What would you think?

[MsJayne]

Hypothetical... You meet a guy online and you hit it off from the moment you meet. There's a huge physical attraction and you can talk for hours together. For 4 weeks it appears he's super keen, he wants to spend heaps of time with you and it seems you're so compatible it's a little Twilight Zoney. Then, at the end of week 4 the two of you have a date lined up for Saturday night, he says he's coming over and bringing takeaway. But at 6pm he texts you to cancel your date and doesn't really give an explanation. You don't want to ask why because you don't want to come across as demanding or controlling, you haven't had the "Are we in a relationship?" talk yet so you figure you don't have the right to question him. A couple of hours later, after contemplating the reasons why he might be cancelling, you decide to check to see if he's been active on the date site you met on, and you see that he was on there a couple of hours ago. What would be your thoughts on it?

[justwhoiam]

Hypothetical... You meet a guy online and you hit it off from the moment you meet.

Meet in person you mean?

 

you have a date lined up for Saturday night, he says he's coming over and bringing takeaway.

OK, so that means we would have agreed on the menu, and I know what he's going to bring and quite likely where from.

 

at 6pm he texts you to cancel your date and doesn't really give an explanation.

I'd call right away, and he'd better have a very good explanation. No one dares stand me up like that, on a whim.

 

You don't want to ask why because you don't want to come across as demanding or controlling

Ha! Are you kidding? This guy is being flaky and I need to care about his feelings? The h with that. It's not gonna happen (but I'm really trying to follow your insane reasoning).

 

you haven't had the "Are we in a relationship?" talk yet so you figure you don't have the right to question him.

Doesn't matter, really. I'd question a friend standing me up too. Unless, of course, they have a good reason. Not to mention, my meal depends on that person, and they're not showing up?? WTH.

 

A couple of hours later, after contemplating the reasons why he might be cancelling, you decide to check to see if he's been active on the date site you met on, and you see that he was on there a couple of hours ago. What would be your thoughts on it?

That he went to another date with someone else.

[basil67]

If it were me? When he called to cancel, I would have said in a conversational way "Yeah, no worries. What's come up?" While I understand that you don't want to be demanding or controlling, I think it's perfectly reasonable to continue the conversation to find out what's going on in his life - especially if he cancels a date at the last minute.

 

Of course, only you can guess at whether he's honest in his reply...but don't be afraid to ask questions. If they scare that easily, then they weren't into you anyway.

 

All that said, I'm assuming this happened to you on the weekend just gone. Have you spoken with him since? What's the vibe between you now?

 

Edited to add: I agree with justwhoiam that I'd also ask a friend what's up if they cancelled.

[MsJayne]

No, it happened a few weeks ago, and when I asked him about it I was accused of jumping to conclusions, (I stupidly told him I'd had a look and seen he was active on the date site - sometimes I'm too honest for my own good). I'm just interested to know what other women would think in the same situation as I don't think I made an unreasonable assumption.

Edited September 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DrNo1962]

There is a fault in your mindset that you need to fix.

 

Assuming this guy cancelled an hour or two before your date with no explanation that would not be acceptable at all.

 

You should have questioned him on it. If he couldn't give you a sufficient explanation I'd almost next him unless there was sincere remorse and maybe you'd give him another chance. There is nothing controlling about not being treated like a doormat.

 

If he gave you a few days warning, fine, but a couple of hours before. No bueno.

 

Regarding being active online, that is not your place to question him on it as you are not exclusive yet. He can see, talk to whoever he wants until such time as you have 'the talk'.

[divegrl]

My thoughts would be to grab my running shoes and get as far away from him as possible!

 

This man has a low sense of self worth and needs the constant ego boosts. And the accusations he made is called gaslighting my friend.

 

Take care.

[basil67]

Yep, I second those gaslighting comments. Cancelling on you at the last minute without explanation looks suspicious no matter how one looks at it.

 

Did he give you an explanation in the end?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I would assume it was because it was because of another woman, either a new conquest or an ex back in the picture.

 

You can do better than a fickle man who waits till the last minute to cancel with no explanation.

 

People like this deserve to be blocked.

[Maggiemay1]

No, it happened a few weeks ago, and when I asked him about it I was accused of jumping to conclusions, (I stupidly told him I'd had a look and seen he was active on the date site - sometimes I'm too honest for my own good). I'm just interested to know what other women would think in the same situation as I don't think I made an unreasonable assumption.

 

I think it depends on when you asked him and how??

 

When he cancelled , you were within your rights to simply say “oh that’s a shame, was looking forward to seeing you , what’s happened , you ok?”

 

But instead you simply accepted the cancellation only to get annoyed later and check his online activity. But you only dated for 28 days! How many dates? You, I would like to think were active in those 28 days too?

 

His reasons for cancelling may have been legit but something he is not willing to share with someone he barely knows. And so what if he logs on to the dating app while waiting around for a work call, a friend that needs him, whatever?

 

But you decided he cancelled to stay home and chat online to girls.

 

If you mentioned this to him before even giving him a chance to contact you again and see you again , then yes, you screwed up and showed him that you are potentially possessive and jealous.

 

He did not gaslight you.

Edited September 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Without explanation, I would assume lack of interest but after a month of dating, I would have had no problem asking what was up. . . was he sick? Was a family member ill? Your mistake was in not following up.

 

I certainly wouldn't be thrilled to realize he had at least been "window shopping" but again if you two weren't exclusive & you hadn't talked about getting off the site, then you can't really complain.

 

I would do nothing at this point but there would be a conversation about all of this next time he called.

[Saracena]

Doesn't matter, really. I'd question a friend standing me up too. Unless, of course, they have a good reason. Not to mention, my meal depends on that person, and they're not showing up?? WTH.

 

That he went to another date with someone else.

 

Absolutely. If it's one thing I can't stand it's cancelling last minute plans and on a Saturday to boot, when folk are looking forward to a good night out at the weekend! We had a friend who was always doing this and in the end nobody bothered with her after that! At least in our case there was a group of us but in yours you were essentially left sitting.......Not good at all on his part!

 

Agree, he had another date lined up!

[alphamale]

having the relationship "talk" after 28 days? wtf

[Redhead14]

What would be your thoughts on it?

 

 

My thoughts would be that either a) he was enjoying the time spent "in the moment" but not as engaged as you thought and/or b) he's been seeing other girls anyway and blowing smoke up your skirt to keep you on the string. A cancellation via text and without explanation doesn't get a second look from me. Adios muchacho. Block, delete, forget.

[Maddie82]

Gotta agree with the majority here. No explanation means he was doing something you wouldn't like ie meeting another girl. Are still talking/dating?

[justwhoiam]

I was accused of jumping to conclusions, (I stupidly told him I'd had a look and seen he was active on the date site - sometimes I'm too honest for my own good

Facepalm... Have you ever watched Columbo?? Never give away your clues before you have evidence But I guess he was not worth such a hassle...

 

I certainly wouldn't be thrilled to realize he had at least been "window shopping"

Is that what you call feasting one's eyes on girls? I thought that only happened in the Netherlands!

[preraph]

Maybe all he ever really meant to do was chat women up and masturbate online. Seriously, there's a lot of guys killing time like that, just like there's a lot of women "playing house" with guys they never met.

[amaysngrace]

So it’s not hypothetical at all?

 

I’d never speak to him again.

[MsJayne]

Yep, I second those gaslighting comments. Cancelling on you at the last minute without explanation looks suspicious no matter how one looks at it.

 

Did he give you an explanation in the end?

 

Hell no. I canned the whole thing and just blocked him after I did ask him about it and there was no explanation, he just told me I was wrong, but wrong about what he wouldn't say, (wrong about why he cancelled? wrong about how keen he was? wrong about which bit?). I wasn't confrontational about it, just queried why he seemed so keen and then so suddenly not. I was OS for a week just before this happened, during which he kept daily contact with flirty messages and telling me what was going on in his life, and the day before I was due home he sent me a message saying he was looking forward to me being home. During that 4 weeks, (except for the week I was away), we saw each other 4 - 5 times a week. I agree with what someone said about he met someone else, but I think he was trying to keep me on hand in case things didn't work out.

[Maggiemay1]

Hell no. I canned the whole thing and just blocked him after I did ask him about it and there was no explanation, he just told me I was wrong, but wrong about what he wouldn't say, (wrong about why he cancelled? wrong about how keen he was? wrong about which bit?). I wasn't confrontational about it, just queried why he seemed so keen and then so suddenly not. I was OS for a week just before this happened, during which he kept daily contact with flirty messages and telling me what was going on in his life, and the day before I was due home he sent me a message saying he was looking forward to me being home. During that 4 weeks, (except for the week I was away), we saw each other 4 - 5 times a week. I agree with what someone said about he met someone else, but I think he was trying to keep me on hand in case things didn't work out.

 

You deserved an explanation for him cancelling a date last minute but in your attempt to look cool , you didn’t ask for one.

But later you did , I’m assuming while emotionally charged after looking to see his online status.

 

You only had 4 or 5 dates, he only cancelled on one. You never gave him the chance to explain or even reschedule another date.

Instead you went PI and confronted him about his online status whilst jumping to conclusions.

 

You were confrontational. You asked why he was keen and suddenly not so , all because he could make one date? And forgetting everything else that preceded that??

 

He likely had a good explanation but not something he wanted to discuss by text or over the phone. But on your next date !

 

It certainly seems that you were wrong about why he cancelled .

Why the hell did you do that?? What was your hurry to find out the truth? Because your hurry has caused him to leave and you will never know the truth.

 

Why couldn’t you have just relaxed , give him a chance to explain in person and worry after that if it happened again?

 

Poor guy!!

[MsJayne]

You deserved an explanation for him cancelling a date last minute but in your attempt to look cool , you didn’t ask for one.

But later you did , I’m assuming while emotionally charged after looking to see his online status.

 

You only had 4 or 5 dates, he only cancelled on one. You never gave him the chance to explain or even reschedule another date.

Instead you went PI and confronted him about his online status whilst jumping to conclusions.

 

You were confrontational. You asked why he was keen and suddenly not so , all because he could make one date? And forgetting everything else that preceded that??

 

He likely had a good explanation but not something he wanted to discuss by text or over the phone. But on your next date !

 

It certainly seems that you were wrong about why he cancelled .

Why the hell did you do that?? What was your hurry to find out the truth? Because your hurry has caused him to leave and you will never know the truth.

 

Why couldn’t you have just relaxed , give him a chance to explain in person and worry after that if it happened again?

 

Poor guy!!

 

LOL! Actually, we'd had about 10 dates and I had plenty of reason to think both of us thought there was potential there. And yes, I was "emotionally charged", (I flew home on a red-eye the night before and had zero sleep). And you're absolutely right about me handling it badly. But I think he did too.

[MsJayne]

Maybe all he ever really meant to do was chat women up and masturbate online. Seriously, there's a lot of guys killing time like that, just like there's a lot of women "playing house" with guys they never met.

 

That actually was what I thought. There's some dirty ho's on those date sites. A guy friend once showed me the kind of messages he got from women and I was god-smacked.

[justicegrl]

There is a fault in your mindset that you need to fix.

 

Assuming this guy cancelled an hour or two before your date with no explanation that would not be acceptable at all.

 

You should have questioned him on it. If he couldn't give you a sufficient explanation I'd almost next him unless there was sincere remorse and maybe you'd give him another chance. There is nothing controlling about not being treated like a doormat.

 

If he gave you a few days warning, fine, but a couple of hours before. No bueno.

 

Regarding being active online, that is not your place to question him on it as you are not exclusive yet. He can see, talk to whoever he wants until such time as you have 'the talk'.

 

This!! And what many women don't realize is that your not questioning him due to fear of "scaring" him off is precisely what will "turn" him off.

 

It sends the message that you're weak, have little to no backbone and fear losing him.

 

The absolute worst thing you could do is send him the message that you fear losing him or scaring him off.

 

HE is the one who flaked, HE is the one who should be scared of losing you!!

 

Men like strong women, women who will stand up to them, when called for which him flaking last minute was.

 

Playing the "cool girl" will get you nowhere real fast. Trust me on that, I've done it myself. Now I stand up for myself in my own feminine way and don't tolerate BS such as last minute flaking unless they have a damn good reason

 

Re him being on website, agree with the above also. It's not your place to question, you are not exclusive and to question him made you appear controlling and insecure in his eyes.

Edited September 19, 2019 by justicegrl

[MsJayne]

@justicegrl

Yes, I agree with most of what you say, except for the bit about fearing scaring him off. I went at it like a bull at a gate because, despite him appearing super-keen earlier on, something had changed and I drew the conclusion that I'd gone from being 'the one' to being a gap-filler, and that made me mad and I felt the best thing was to get him out of my life asap, far from worrying about scaring him off. It was only after he accused me of jumping to conclusions and told me I was wrong, (but then wouldn't tell me why I was wrong), that I was left wondering if I was. I grew up being gas-lighted into oblivion by a crazy narcissist so even now it takes a supreme effort for me to stick to my guns when confronting a manipulative type. Hence I was asking what other women would think in the same scenario. There are a few things I didn't bring into it because I just wanted to stick to the bones of it and make it a hypothetical question rather than the unabridged version with all the things that contributed to my conclusion. Not the least of those was that a close girlfriend had been contacted by him via OLD a couple of years earlier and she seemed a bit uncomfortable about him, later said that she wasn't sure whether she should warn me and chose not to interfere. When I mentioned to him that my girlfriend remembered him I saw his eyes flick quickly from side to side, a split second of discomfort, and he said he didn't remember her. The humorous, (sort of), thing is that it was the same girlfriend who'd convinced me to give OLD another go, and at the time I told her I never wanted to meet another flakey time-waster from those sites ever again but I went along with it anyway. Must have needed one last flakey clown to finish me off. LOL!