alphamale Posted September 20, 2019 Posted September 20, 2019 You must never lend money to anyone unless you know them well and trust them completely. even then I wouldn't lend them any money
FMW Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Even with people I know well, I seldom lend money, but if I do I make sure I'm ok with the possibility I may never see it again. But OP you've said it wasn't so much the money, but feeling you had been led on. I agree with the others that have said it was too soon to build up expectations. But I understand, you were vulnerable due to heartache that you likely haven't healed from over your cheating xH. You invested (emotion and money) quickly and it wasn't reciprocated. Take this as a tough lesson to take things more slowly and carefully the next time. In the meantime, take some time for some healing and regaining control of your emotions.
Author Love2015 Posted September 26, 2019 Author Posted September 26, 2019 After two weeks of no contact...this guy msgs and says that my last texts were too much and insulting and that he will give me my money back. I responded saying much appreciated and sorry for the insults as not my nature AND I proceeded to say it's in the past but it actually felt good what I wrote to him cause it's what I felt. I essentially called him out on his behavior. He never apologized for leading me on and not respecting. I am learning quickly that he would anyways be a bad bf who cannot communicate and respect me. Guess what happened next? He stops msging. It too me a LOT not to msg him like crazy. It's the same feeling I got before where because he ignores me suddenly ...I feel need to be validated. Luckily I told myself not worth it.
Author Love2015 Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 I got a msg from him again...let's call him money borrower. He says I am a rollercoaster and all over the place and that he will return my money when he cans... I am dumb folded...he is trying to say I am nervous wreck? It's because of how he behaved to begin with! Anyways I did msg him back and it was just a stupid back and forth. He is not going to see eye to eye and keeps hooking me up with making me hopeful...why am I falling for it? In really right question here.....I wish I would have walked away after first date. Oh well what is done is done. I can only control today.
stillafool Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Hopeful of what? Getting your money back? That is the only thing you should hope for from him at this point.
mortensorchid Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 That's so sad that people do this, whether they use social media or not - leading someone on and then dropping them like a hot potato. Pull yourself up, walk away with your head held high, block him, and never speak a word again. You will feel better about yourself in the long run.
dramallama Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I think that you lending him money for his travels was what essentially led to him asking you to wait for him, because he'd created an obligation / connection between you. He probably had good intentions, was excited about you, but absence didn't make the heart grow fonder. He was honest with you about that. And he's offering to pay you back. You do seem like a rollercoaster, tbh. Don't lend guys you're involved with money is the big lesson here. I had a FWB for 14 months and near the end I lent him money and it completely changed the dynamic. He's paying me back month by month though and we're still friends, because there was no blowing up at each other when we weren't on the same page about something.
PegNosePete Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I can only control today. Can you? So why do you keep making the same mistake over and over and over? I don't think you can control yourself at all, OP. You need to delete and block this fool, and get yourself some help to prevent you from making the same mistakes next time. He is certainly not the last of his type that you will meet and when the next one comes along you need to tell him where to go before any of this drama unfolds.
Maddie82 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Judging from your other previous posts, which seem to be about a different guy each month, i would say that he is right, you are like a roller coster. You've been hurt, you've been messed around. You're a bag of emotions and it's probably why the most recent guy from your recent post didn't stick around
Author Love2015 Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Thank you everyone for all your responses. They are very helpful to keep perspective of what I could be doing. A most recent update from last night: he calls me up. He does not acknowledge how I have been feeling based on his behavior. He says I am his baby and he wants to see me tonight. I mean really after so much cursing and all he changes the story again. He is saying he has been having problems but I he is really into me and he wants me to be there for him and not date others. I told him how I felt. He is asking one more chance? I mean this is a man who at least 5 times has done this! I feel I want to see him cause I seek validation to his behavior. He ditched me at the restaurant on date one and he keeps me on the loop....this is how I end up in the rollercoaster. I have feelings. When I talk to him is like everything is fine...any thoughts? Advice for tonight? Will he once again dump me? How to control my emotions due to his hot and cold?
stillafool Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 You're his baby? This guy is sweet talking you because he owes you money and you are eating it up instead of concentrating on getting your money back. You shouldn't be dating until you have healed from your divorce.
introverted1 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Advice for tonight? Find your self-respect and cancel tonight, remove him from your life, and find a guy who will treat you well.
Maddie82 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 OP, yesterday you were crying about another guy who wouldn't let you go to his house. Today its this guy. I strongly suggest you have a break from any guy right now. Don't see him. Get your money back. He only wants to soften you up so you'll wave the money anyway. Take some time for yourself and reflect. I know that you wont though and that you will still go and see him
divegrl Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Hi, Have you heard of attachment styles? From your posts you are anxious and he is avoidant. You are basically reliving patterns learned during childhood. For a person with unhealthy attachments, falling in love is like falling in trauma. Have a beautiful day my friend.
Author Love2015 Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Hi..I understand all your comments but want to clarify this. So the other guy I am upset at which is the sex no commitment one, I did not have commitment feelings for him. I know it's sex. However, as I felt he came back to my life by being a "text friend" for a bit..I thought that yes we were physical but that didn't imply just "in my house". Now I realize that due to the nature of what were having, he is in his right not to invite me over. I just felt that even that is lack of respect. Like it doesn't matter if we are just sex as a human being in my eyes , you still give the person the respect of inviting them. But I learned that's not the case. *Noted for future. In terms of this "money guy" . I have never slept with him. And I had strong feelings but he keeps me in the loop and not really giving me what I need. And by that it is to just get to know each other and see why I liked him ..and if there is anything. Hence my emotions were all over the place and rollercoaster. Clearly I should probably block him and even forget the money. The money part sucks but for me I am more concerned about the feelings part. Having said that he probably is sweet talking me. Which is what he kept doing....all along. I wished it was different but I do have to keep this in mind. I do want to see him so yes I will....it's what I have been complaining about all along that he shows interest and then doesn't follow through. .so with open eyes, I will meet him. I agreed I need to continue healing. It's just taken so loong (4 years) that I am trying so hard to do introspection...then I feel better and when I date ...more things come up. I mean ...shouldn't one try looking inside while still living life? This is my last chance with this man and then I am taking at least a 6 months from official dating (shall try at least) ...I have taken such breaks before in these 4 years...once I start dating again...then issues come up ...
Author Love2015 Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 I will read more about attachment styles. Yes it does feel like trauma...funny thing is I never had this issue in ANY of my healthy past relationships until the ex hb trauma. Maybe need to go deeper. I have been trying to help myself and a lot...trust me it feels like a genuine challenge. As a side note I want to share something that happened before to give you an idea and find out what I may be doing wrong. So I haven't been old since this "money guy" thing. So 2.5 months now....back then I see an old date online who we remained in friendly terms for a while and it just fizzled out. No no sex .no nothing just friendship and he continued dating. We are close buy so sometimes we met as friends. Anyways so when I saw him online...I swiped right and we matched. So I just said something like ..hey u still here ?(had been like 1.5 I had no contact) I hope you find the right one soon ..like very friendly tone and genuinely good wishing him. Anyways he replied very badly saying oh he though by now I would be married and it seems as I am online all guys run away and dump me because of who I am. And he wishes me well too. . We didn't talk after. The problem is why after I genuinely are being nice does someone believe it's ok to be so mean? We stopped talking naturally in real life and never fought and he genuinely was no into me nor was I. So then why?
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 What do you mean it's your last chance with this man? There is NO chance! Nothing has changed, he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want to be more with you. What didn't you understand?
Author Love2015 Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Graeta...means this is last chance for him and I to go out. If he cancels then that's it. And I am not looking for date anymore just see him to understand. Also it means, I will be taking 6 months minimum off from dating altogether.
PegNosePete Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Great, tell him he can have his last chance if he returns all the money he borrowed, immediately. Until he does that he is not to call or text you again. And when he does return that money, say thanks, and block him. 1
stillafool Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 The problem is why after I genuinely are being nice does someone believe it's ok to be so mean? We stopped talking naturally in real life and never fought and he genuinely was no into me nor was I. So then why? Because some people are just callous and mean. It has nothing to do with you but his own issues that he is projecting on to you. This is why you need to meet someone in person and no OL.
Maddie82 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 So I take it you're going to meet him, even after pretty much everyone here advised you against it.
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Graeta...means this is last chance for him and I to go out. If he cancels then that's it. And I am not looking for date anymore just see him to understand. Also it means, I will be taking 6 months minimum off from dating altogether. Why do you see going out with him as something positive? Why do you want to give your time to a man that wants nothing with you and owes you money? Don't you see where he'll lose all respect for you? because you have no boundaries and no standards for yourself. There is nothing to understand - he doesn't want anything serious - again what part of that you don't understand? 1
mark clemson Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 A most recent update from last night: he calls me up. He does not acknowledge how I have been feeling based on his behavior. He says I am his baby and he wants to see me tonight ...any thoughts? Sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like he wants to get in your pants. Afterwards it will presumably be more of the same. That is just my view. Honestly, I'd focus on getting your $ back (assuming it's worth it to you) in your interactions with him and disregard anything else. This guy's an *sshat. 1
stillafool Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like he wants to get in your pants. OP I think is fully aware of this and wants that to happen. Why else would she go out with this guy after the way he has treated her. He knows this and it's an easy for him so what does he have to lose? He gets money and sex; not a bad haul. 1
Author Love2015 Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Thanks for all your concerns/comments/advice... Unfortunately we must make our own mistakes and see it for ourselves. No sex is not what I only want. I wish I knew why am I attracted. Maybe I am not attracted and that may also be what I want to see..anyways one hour for the meeting. I will keep you guys posted... I know something bigger is attracting me to him and until I don't understand it myself ..will do what I need to do.
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