Breadcrumbing - Effects

[Love2015]

Hi, I have been breadcrumbed by a guy I should have closed the door to after first date. But I didn't. He kept making plans and not sticking to these. He kept calling back and wanting me to still be waiting for him. He travelled and asked me to wait for him and I did. Now he is back and after amazing phone conversation where he made plans to see me weekend, he stopped messaging and never made plans again.

 

The problem is now I am obsessed. I want validation that I deserve respect. And I am not getting it and wished I did. So I text him many times and nothing. I wish I didn't meet him cause I was doing well single and started focusing on myself. Now I am in this bad pattern again.

 

Anyone has been breadcrumbed and felt this way? What can be done? How to not be obsessed for validation?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Anyone has been breadcrumbed and felt this way? What can be done? How to not be obsessed for validation?

 

I have a couple of times and this really sucks! The only thing that can be done is learning not to get attached. This takes a lot of practice, but it helps. Also if someone treats you poorly, you slam the door in their face. If they come back, ignore, ignore ignore!

[DrNo1962]

When you keep it simple, things like this just don't happen.

 

"Breadcrumbing" occurs when you tolerate anything other than investment from the other person.

 

Set-up some boundaries and breadcrumbing won't occur to you anymore.

 

I'd tell this guy you see no future with him. Wish him all the best and move on to someone who will take action.

 

You may also need to address why you feel obsessed with someone else's neglect / require validation from someone who really should mean nothing to you. I suggest you do this in your own spare time.

[divegrl]

Block and delete him.

 

Work on your boundaries and self esteem.

 

Take care my friend.

[Maddie82]

Do not text him anymore because that it just coming off as obsessed and desperate, and just makes it worse. Block and delete his number, and do the same with any other avenues of communication. Let it go. Nothing you do will change anything.

[Redhead14]

The sooner your embrace the fact that you cannot control another person and take responsibility for how you handle what they do or don't do, the sooner you will be able to stand up for yourself and enforce boundaries and feel empowered rather than like a victim.

[Gaeta]

Been there, done that.

 

Then I caught on that I owe respect to myself first. Respecting myself means to not allow people to play with my feelings. You don't need acknowledgement from this man. His acknowledgement is worth nothing, he's a nobody. Closure comes from within when you forgive yourself for letting someone play you and you make changes it doesn't happen again.

 

 

.

[BaileyB]

The problem is now I am obsessed. I want validation that I deserve respect. And I am not getting it and wished I did

 

You need to respect yourself. What he thinks about you doesn’t actually matter.

 

If you spend your life looking to other people for approval, you will be sadly disappointed time and again.

 

And, if he “breadcrumbed you,” it’s only because you allowed it...

[smackie9]

I get it..... it’s hard to find someone you really like and connect with these days. It makes it difficult to let go. The question is, when do you know when it’s time to call it quits? What boundaries do you set for yourself? Maybe work out a set of rules to follow so you don’t get caught up in it again.

[justicegrl]

So you admit you're obsessed because you need validation, not due to any real interest in him, correct? I mean you also admitted you should have nexted him after first date which tells me there wasn't much interest there to begin with.

 

This need for validation is ego-driven and that's all this "obsession" is - your ego. It's bruised I get it.

 

Try to move past your ego and see the situation for what it actually is. You've had one date, in person, the rest is essentially a fantasy based on phone calls and false promises.

 

People who need and seek validation from others are insecure and ego-driven.

 

A healthy person gets validation from within him/her self. Strive to be that person, and toss this need for validation from others (men) out the window, you're better than that, stronger than that, more secure than that.

Edited September 18, 2019 by justicegrl

[Love2015]

Thank you everyone for all your support and comments.

 

I do need to work on boundaries and self esteem although I can genuinely say I have come a long way working on these for a while now.

 

In terms of this guy, I don't think it's an ego thing. I had started liking him. I was surrounded by 5 guys interested in me when. He showed up and something about him made me fall for him. I am upset because of this game and now my self esteem has become low as a result.

 

I will work on this. I don't understand why I continue missing him and truly this is what bothers me. I am doing nothing but being an observant and within my own flow. And when I flow ...I feel him closer. Has this happened to anyone? I have two more guys around me and I am genuinely not interested. If it was ego...wouldn't the attention of others be enough?

Not sure what to say here....

[Gaeta]

You're mourning the 'possibilities' that have died. You built hopes and now hope is gone. It's difficult to let go for anyone. That's why it's important to not build romance in our head with someone brand new. What you feel toward him will subside, it's just a matter of keeping busy and letting time do its magic. Some men I got over in a week, others it took longer but I knew it would eventually go away and life went on.

[Redhead14]

Thank you everyone for all your support and comments.

 

I do need to work on boundaries and self esteem although I can genuinely say I have come a long way working on these for a while now.

 

In terms of this guy, I don't think it's an ego thing. I had started liking him. I was surrounded by 5 guys interested in me when. He showed up and something about him made me fall for him. I am upset because of this game and now my self esteem has become low as a result.

 

I will work on this. I don't understand why I continue missing him and truly this is what bothers me. I am doing nothing but being an observant and within my own flow. And when I flow ...I feel him closer. Has this happened to anyone? I have two more guys around me and I am genuinely not interested. If it was ego...wouldn't the attention of others be enough?

Not sure what to say here....

 

 

Most of the time, when there is an esteem/ego issue, it is a bottomless pit. The more attention one gets, the more they want/need. Even if you aren't interested in the two guys who are "around you", they are giving you attention. You're liking the attention, otherwise, you'd be leaving them behind because you aren't interested.

[Love2015]

Thanks! To be honest I also feel stupid because he was travelling and he had asked me for money. I separated the two things in my head and after getting his explanation I did lend him the money (knowing the consequences). I did it because I wanted to but I didn't expect no respect. I am not even thinking love wise it's just basic respect. He went from talking very lovey dovey and inviting me out to setting a day and never msging me on that day. He did all this after lending him money so it's not trying to fool me into lending it to him. Today I get no respect one way or the other. I pretty much donated the money I guess.

[Redhead14]

He did all this after lending him money so it's not trying to fool me into lending it to him.

 

 

Awe, Love2015, whether he did this before after lending you the money, he still tricked you. Being all lovey dovey afterward is just gaslighting you and hoping to keep you on that string. And, it's kinda working isn't it? If he called you or texted you right now, would you answer? Would you listen to what he had to say and/or fall for whatever he said, would you accept another date invitation or meet up or would you ignore and block/delete??? Be honest with yourself.

[stillafool]

Thank you everyone for all your support and comments.

 

I do need to work on boundaries and self esteem although I can genuinely say I have come a long way working on these for a while now.

 

In terms of this guy, I don't think it's an ego thing. I had started liking him. I was surrounded by 5 guys interested in me when. He showed up and something about him made me fall for him. I am upset because of this game and now my self esteem has become low as a result.

 

I will work on this. I don't understand why I continue missing him and truly this is what bothers me. I am doing nothing but being an observant and within my own flow. And when I flow ...I feel him closer. Has this happened to anyone? I have two more guys around me and I am genuinely not interested. If it was ego...wouldn't the attention of others be enough?

Not sure what to say here....

 

I think it's an ego thing because you are upset that the guy you want doesn't want you. You know it's not that you aren't attractive to men it's just that you can't get the one you want. Not everyone we want wants us back but it doesn't negate our attractiveness to others. Therefore there should be no need for our self esteem to be lowered. We just are not the one for that person.

[Love2015]

Yes I would answer hoping an explanation of the why he had to act this way. I want him to respect me and even like me like he said he did. I also want him to tell me if I am seeing the money back or is he really such an as**le.. That is honest true.

 

The logical one is block it. Take responsibility for my own stupidity and make myself happy again alone as I know how to when I really put my mind to it. Against my better judgement and my friends one who said don't let him the money, I still did because I wanted to believe.

 

Oh well...I need to come to terms with my own stupidity. Trusting someone I don't even know for real. And take responsibility for what I did to create this situation. Uff...

[stillafool]

What date did he agree to pay you back the money?

[Gretchen12]

what a loser! he actually asked you for money?! well of course now he wants to vanish because he has no intention of paying you back.

 

as for the validation you seek, you get none because you failed yourself. You went for the breadcrumbs. (Picture yourself picking up actual crumbs) You didn't do well. It is done. Be better next time.

[mark clemson]

Wow. Forget about this guy. He's a user and THAT'S IT. Did he ever pay you back? If not, kiss that money goodbye and consider it WELL SPENT on helping you see him for what he is. You're much much much better off without him anywhere near you (money paid back or no). If you did get it back DON'T lend him any more this time.

 

You're experiencing the impact of hot/cold. Some people are (consciously or sometimes unconsciously) very good at creating a "need" in others. Become aware of this so you can avoid being suckered in.

 

Beware the bottomless pit mentioned above. I've brushed up against it myself. There's nothing wrong with getting some validation from flirting/attention etc, but don't let it become a need or let receiving it regularly it become part of your identity. It should be strictly icing on the cake of internal self-esteem IMO. How you feel shouldn't be held to the vagaries of transitory attention from people who don't really matter much in your life.

 

You sound like you have no trouble attracting interest. Good for you. Get over this guy completely so you'll have emotional room for someone much much better, who's capable of healthy relationships.

[mark clemson]

Ah, saw that he hasn't paid you back. Not a shocker there. IF he ever does, it will probably be so that he can ask you for a lot more soon afterwards. You won't get paid back that 2nd time. STEER CLEAR.

[Love2015]

Thank you for kind words.

 

"You're experiencing the impact of hot/cold. Some people are (consciously or sometimes unconsciously) very good at creating a "need" in others. Become aware of this so you can avoid being suckered in."

 

Yes this is exactly what I feel an unexplained "need" that it was not there before. And it's based on fake hopes. I will stay clear. Well money good bye. Respect myself . Can't force to do that for me...having said that is still makes me sad and angry and hurt.

[elaine567]

How much money?

[Gaeta]

and even like me like he said he did.

One word of advice. Don't trust men (women) on what they say but by their actions. Sounds like this man was full of words but he never delivered. When I was dating I never believed what men told me I waited for them to show me.

[Love2015]

How much money?

 

$400...oh well