healing light Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 What I find very perplexing is that you advocate having sex in order to keep the guy whether the woman is comfortable sharing her body or not. No guy in this world is so important! ^Agree. I am really looking forward to seeing how this unfolds, OP. I think that immediate "spark" never really goes away, so I wish you all the best! Keep us updated.
BaileyB Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 #1 rule is being OK with the kids always being the priority, forever and always. That's good parenting. If you're cool with that, you'll be a good partner. #2 rule is waiting to meet them for a long, long while. Words of wisdom. This could not be more true. Plans changed because one child is sick or his ex has to work. Holidays not possible because his child needs braces and he doesn’t have the money or he wants to take a trip with his kids. It goes on and on... What is his relationship like with his ex-wife? The sailing will be smoother if they are amicable...
alphamale Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 His kids will always come before you so get ready to play second fiddle. Its just a reality you have to accept or reject. 1
Blind-Sided Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 MC... good for you. I've read a bunch of your threads over the (almost) year I've been on this board, and it just seems like you've had bad luck. Since I'm now in the situation of your new man (divorced with kids) this is something I've been thinking about. But... I think CautiouslyOptimistic has it right. His kids will take priority. So... if he has to cancel on your because of a sick kid... school meeting, or that the ex dumped the kids on him... please don't take that as a sign that he's not interested. If things progress, and you get to know the kids... then it won't matter as much, since they will just join along. As far as holding off on being physical... that's up to you. For some guys it it's a big deal, and some guys it's not. As many people here will tell you... if you jump into the sack too quick... then they lose interest. There needs to be some "Chase" to build desire, but not so much as they give up. Unfortunately, no one knows how much is the right amount. Good luck and keep us posted.
elaine567 Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 I think a single woman taking on a divorced Dad can be problematic. Single people in relationships are used to being #1. All rotates around "the relationship" and she enjoys being his priority. And she can make him her priority too. Add in 3 small children and an ex, then #1 can quickly become #4 or even #5 if the ex is demanding or "challenging"... If he thinks the kids will come and live with him one day then I guess he is preparing for a custody battle and that fight in itself may come before everything else too... As a single person one needs to be very accommodating to date a single father.
Author mortensorchid Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 Before anyone jumps down my throat about this being overly self critical or analyzing things to death, please know that this is a legitimate question and I am in need of some guidance on this. Recently, I started up with a guy who is divorced and has 3 little kids under age 12. Nevermind the past history, this is where we are now. He and I went to a movie last Saturday night and we were back at my place talking. He said a lot of his time is taken up by the kids (naturally) and he is going to things like soccer and basketball games and whatnot. I said I am okay with this. I even said to him if he wanted to include me in said basketball and soccer games I am okay with this. He said thanks, that's a good thing to hear. I don't want to be the pushover or doormat for others by any means, I was saying to him that I am okay with being the pseudo-parent to his kids and doing kid oriented things. I don't think a lot of women would be okay with that, but this is what you have to do when you are with someone with kids. I am saying to him that I want to be with him despite his having 3 kids and hope that he will include me in these things. I hope that doesn't sound too pushy on my part. Did it?
Blind-Sided Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I don't think that sounds like you are being a pushover at all. Unfortunately... it's what you have to do when you get to a certain age, and kids are part of a mix. It's a premade family, and some of the romance won't be there because of that. This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately. Newly divorced with 2 kids... and my oldest kid refuses to go with her mother. So, I'm a full time dad. I've had a few friends offer to set me up with people, but I worry that those people won't understand, and only want to "Party" like a bunch of Teens, and not just want to come over for a BBQ, or other "Home" kind of date. Anyway... assuming he also feels the same way about you... I would actually think it would be a relief to him, knowing you are ok with the situation. 2
OpenBook Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 No, I don't think it was too pushy. Your intentions were good. It was very nice of you to try to ease any concerns he might have about dating you while raising his kids. Just keep in mind that it will always be his call (not yours) as to whether to include you in his kids' lives.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 There's nothing unusual about what you said and about how you're handling it. It's how it should be handled. 1
Cersei Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Is he a full time Dad? Does he have them all the time?
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I’m happy for you but this sounds horrible. Attending soccer games with some strangers’ 3 young kids 1
Happy Lemming Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 All you are doing is confirming and acknowledging the fact that he has 3 children, you enjoy spending time with him and don't mind sharing that time if the kids are around. You are not being a pushover/doormat or pushy, you probably put his mind at ease. This is a good thing. Glad to hear things are going well, how was the movie?? 1
Gaeta Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 You did good but you have to wait for him to feel the time is right to introduce you in the mix. I've dated a man that his young son was playing football. I went to practices and games with them. It was actually fun!! We were with other parents, making jokes, sharing drinks, enjoying being outside and encouraging the players.
kendahke Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 How is this guy's relationship with their mother? Is she cool with you being around her children?
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 It doesn't sound pushy at all. I agree it will be up to him WHEN to introduce you to the kids. I think it's great he's putting all this out on the table now. The problem with a lot of single dads, from what I've experienced, is they seem anxious and weird about dating as a single dad. One of them canceled our first meet due to a kid issue, then before I even had a chance to reply, texted me all this angry stuff about how if I don't understand his kids come first, it'll never work. What a weirdo. Unfortunately, I found that this kind of attitude wasn't unusual. It seems that your guy, on the other hand, is being mature and open with communication, which is great.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I’m happy for you but this sounds horrible. Attending soccer games with some strangers’ 3 young kids I love kids, so this would be a lot of fun for me. He's not a stranger once you start dating and get to know him. I wouldn't date just any single dad, but I'd consider it for the right guy.
Versacehottie Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Yay, i'm so glad you've found a guy you like and it's reciprocal! Congratulations. I think what you said was neither pushy or pushover. Sounds just right to me. As others have mentioned, I think he will be relieved and happy if he is considering a future with you or even to keep going that what is a huge part of his life is acceptable for you and that you are into spending time with him in that way. I don't think you need him to "take you up on that offer" too quickly. I think it would be important to cement your relationship with each other--not to mention slowly introduce you into his kids lives but the fact that you are willing is good. I think to avoid being a pushover, you should make sure that just because this is a huge part of his life that it is not the only thing you guys do and that he still puts a lot of effort into courting you at the beginning before you settle into family type life, that's a little more comfortable and lazy. Don't want him to take you for granted--not saying he will but you are also the one who should control that boundary with the patterns you set up. Right now it sounds good!
Lotsgoingon Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Nothing wrong at all about what you said. You were simply stating your feelings at the moment ... I would add something: really you won't know how much time you're willing to spend with his kids until you meet with and hang out with the kids. I think a relationship can work for a person in your position if ... and this is a big "if" ... if you basically fall in love with his kids. Otherwise, going to soccer games will be tedium. So you've basically told him his kids are not an obstacle for you. So next step down the road is to meet and hang out with the kids and see if there is some chemistry with the kids--or signs that chemistry can develop. 1
SumGuy Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 OP. As a dad with three kids what you said was perfect. If he seemed hesitant in accepting, he is rightly going to think before leaping in anything with his kids. He is likely 100% ok with it, the question he has to ask himself is then are his kids and if so what may be the best way. You there at beginning, then leave, just halftime, near end go out after (and maybe only if they win and kid is all happy) etc.
chillii Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 l don't think your being a push over at all really , more like the kind of open understanding woman he's gonna need tbh. lf he he sees something serious with you he's gonna need to know stuff like that about you. Besides , if things go on o it'll still probably be a fair while before he even intro's you to the kids anyway. And you won't need to go to everything l don't think he'd expect that or even want it , that can be really special times for a dad and his kids. But knowing he has your support and that your willing to go when he feels it , and he won't be fighting you every step of the way , is gonna mean a lot to him for sure.
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 He and I went to a movie last Saturday night and we were back at my place talking. He said a lot of his time is taken up by the kids (naturally) and he is going to things like soccer and basketball games and whatnot. OK so you said "I am cool with that I will come along", and he said "Thanks for that." But what I just thought. Did he say that to warn you that he doesn't have much time for dating, rather than, as you saw it, an invite for you to tag along... Seems just a bit early for you to meet the kids.
greymatter Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 He may eventually want to include you, or he may want to preserve the time alone with his kids, which should not be taken as a slight to you. It's important for him to consider if, when and how he wants to introduce you, hopefully later down the road and not anytime soon. In my relationship, we met each other's kids after being together for a year. Our kids have not met each other. My partner, son and I went rock climbing together once (the second time they met) but otherwise he doesn't come to anything my son is doing, and I don't go to his kids' soccer games or music practice or any of that stuff. I cherish my time with my partner, and we sleep over at each other's houses, but I don't have any need to intrude on his kids' activities. I have a busy life and my own son to attend to, and my partner too has a million things going on. It's never occurred to me to offer to go to his kids' games because I instinctively know it would be hard for them and I would never want to insert myself unnecessarily. They have a mom. We (my partner and I) both have divorced parents and both of us understand the kids' need for time alone with their parents. We've been in their shoes. All of this will vary depending on each situation but in my view, less is more especially since most kids in a divorce situation usually have two parents and don't want parent boyfriends/girlfriends inserting themselves into the family too soon.
Author mortensorchid Posted October 10, 2019 Author Posted October 10, 2019 To answer some questions asked on this thread: 1) The kids - I have not met the kids as of this writing. He has them 50% of the time but predicts they will someday live with him full time. I assume someday I will meet them. 2) Their mom - I am 99.999% sure I met their mom / his ex wife a long time ago (as in 15 years ago or so), it was just a "Hi how are you" and shook hands, and that was that. Apparently she started hitting the bottle and screwing around with his circle of friend/acquaintance. She doesn't know about me and him, it's only been a few weeks. 3) Sports - I can't stand sports, either watching them live or on TV. But, I am willing to do this in order to be in the relationship with him (or those I've been with in the past), it's about compromise after all. And it's what his kids are into at the moment so, naturally... I'm insecure about this now, I didn't hear from him yesterday but hope that he will text me today. I'm about to leave for a weekend away I had planned for a while now and won't return until Saturday.
alphamale Posted October 10, 2019 Posted October 10, 2019 have you two slept together yet? if you have and have also established exclusivity then it is ok to ask these questions or make these statements
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