caringone Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for four years. He always told me that I was "the only pretty girl". Recently he started to tell me that he thinks other girls are pretty. He tells me everyday that he thought a girl was attractive. It could have been a girl on tv or a girl he saw in person, it varies. He tells me sometimes that he saw a pretty girl earlier that day when we were hanging out. I don't think that he's doing it to make me jealous because when I ask him that he says that he's just being honest. It hurts my feelings. We are reaching a point in our relationship where things are getting more serious and I don't want to let him break my heart later on down the road. I am starting to wonder if there are guys out there that don't care about what other girls look like when they are in a relationship with a girl or don't divide girls into groups based on what they look like. I want to have a long-term relationship with him, but I don't want him to be judging other girls all the time if he's going to be my steady boyfriend. Any advise? Should I just wait it out to see how things go or end it now?
Author caringone Posted September 29, 2005 Author Posted September 29, 2005 The reason why I titled my thread double standard is because I asked him if it would be ok with him if i thought other guys were attractive (which I am somehow unable to do, I'm just not attracted to any other guy) he said that he would not be able to be with me if I did.
d'Arthez Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 There is nothing wrong, in itself, with commenting that a girl / guy is pretty. As long as it is done in a sensitive way, and non-demeaning way, there is nothing wrong with that. The reason why I titled my thread double standard is because I asked him if it would be ok with him if i thought other guys were attractive (which I am somehow unable to do, I'm just not attracted to any other guy) he said that he would not be able to be with me if I did. That is definitely a double standard. The rules that he wants to apply to him, should not apply to you, in his opinion. What is his reason for applying these rules? It could point to a few issues, you might run in if the relationship evolves further, if nothing is done to address the issue, and most of all the underlying issues. And no, it is not just a guy thing, evolutionary evolved or anything. If it were, you'd be inclined to try and attract the pretty guys, flirt with them, and make your guy jealous by doing so. Whatever argument he would put up with, it would also serve to justify behavior that you are not allowed to engage in by him, because he can. The best thing is to have a good discussion about the whole issue. About your respective views, and the motivations behind the views.
housebaby Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Sounds like he's playing games, or testing you. It's pretty sick if you can't say the same back to him. If it hurts you, you should tell him. We all look at people (especially attractive ones). That doesn't mean we have to profess it to our lover. Why the need to tell you all the time? This kind of situation happened to me with my last relationship - and it basically ended my attraction to him after awhile. When someone is constantly saying "she's hot" "she's pretty" "she has a nice this/that" and not telling YOU how hot you are and how sexy you are - then they probably want to hurt you or get your self esteem so low that you won't leave them Believe me, you don't need this. Find someone with a little respect. He's only going to make you insecure about yourself.
portableversion Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Lose him. His use of the double standard says legions about his character.
elijahBailey Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 caringone, the only thing I will say about him is that he's insensitive. But guys will be guys. The gentlemen out there won't be so blantant in expressing his views on other women. However, you can't seriously think that you're the only pretty girl in town? If you really think so, then, I'm sorry to be blunt, but you're being delusional. I find many girls attractive but my heart belongs to my girl. What's important is where his heart is. You should talk to him about being more sensitive to your feelings, but you shouldn't giving him a hard time for thinking other women are pretty.
TnT Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I am in the same situation. My man always comments on other women, but only ppl on tv like celebs etc. Like the other day i asked him if he wanted to go and c a new movie with me and he said he would only cos Jessica Alba was in it. He always makes comments about how they look and stuff, but its ok with me cos i find the female body very attracive (dont get me wrong, im straight) but yeah, we were watching something the other day and i told him in a joking manner "i know y u wanted to watch this" (due to the hot women) but then said to him " Its ok hun, its good for me to... cos i get the best of both worlds".... I can have a perve on the men and the women... i never have a prob looking at a women just like a man and admitting they are attractive. i think its easy for me cos he knows how much work goes into these women on tv.... hair makeup.. surgery etc etc
justsomeguy Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 None of it has to do with being male or female. It COULD be this. He is comfortable talking about women with you because he believes that his attraction to you is so secure that there is no jepeordy in talking about other women. So he considers you his pal in a way and can talk about women with. That COULD be it. But also that second part about you not being able to talk about men can't be true if he talks about women. Something about your story doesn't make sense. Are you sure this is the case? Maybe he meant if you talked about men you wanted to be with in real life and not just visually admiring. It can also come down to how secure you are. If a woman talked about Jonny Dep I would feel a little bad because she is building him up so much. But if I were to talk about a woman I wouldn't expect her to feel upset because I know that there is nothing challenging my attraction to her. But when she talks about Mr. Movie star I might be insecure because I don't know if there is anything endangering her attraction to me. So I could imagine her saying something first and decide how I would feel about her saying it before I say it. Because she doesn't realize just how secure I feel with her so I can say anything.
megabit15 Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for four years. He always told me that I was "the only pretty girl". Recently he started to tell me that he thinks other girls are pretty......We are reaching a point in our relationship where things are getting more serious and I don't want to let him break my heart later on down the road. I want to have a long-term relationship with him, but I don't want him to be judging other girls all the time if he's going to be my steady boyfriend. Any advise? Should I just wait it out to see how things go or end it now? Hm... a couple of things come to mind: A. He could be starting to have that 'gut feeling' (IE: non conscious thought) that the relationship needs to go to next level and perhaps one or combination of the following applies: 1. He's uncomfortable with losing his 'right' to freedom and noticing other women 2. He's seeing if you'll get insecure or jealous (again not conscious) to determine how badly he would lose his freedom if he fully commits 3. He realizes he does not want to spend the rest of his life with any one person - or not yet anyway. 4. He looks because he wants (subconsciously) to make sure that he won't be missing out on anything should he take the next step. Or B. He looks because he thinks it is perfectly natural to do so and is really really comfortable sharing his thoughts with you. Or C. Maybe you could use to update your look a little. We all can get - um - 'comfortable' in our appearance with those that we've been with a while. Is there a common look of the women that he mentions that you would be willing to try? I am starting to wonder if there are guys out there that don't care about what other girls look like when they are in a relationship with a girl or don't divide girls into groups based on what they look like. :lmao: They may not necessarily care but they do notice! Just some more discreetly than others :lmao: The reason why I titled my thread double standard.... Yes, it is a double standard. Does he have a lot of other double standards as well? Is this the only thing that bothers you? It sounds like you are otherwise happy with this person. It may be quite innocent on his part, and not be very important in the bigger picture. What is important is how you both handle the conflict (ie: open to respectful dialog without judgement). ....but I don't want him to be judging other girls all the time if he's going to be my steady boyfriend. . If this is the only thing that bothers you and you really want him to stop, ReluctantRomeo has posted some great advice on behavior 'training' that you might want to try: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70728/ Hope that helps...
Author caringone Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 Wow! Thanks everyone for all the great advice. I feel very good about how I am going to bring this up with him. I really think that a lot of the reason why I don't like him commenting about other women is because of my own lack of self esteem. I will try to update my look and I will take into consideration all of the great advice I was given. I feel a lot better about the situation from just reading an outsider's perspective on it. Thank you sooo so much everyone! I really appreciate the time and effort each and every one of you took to answer my post. I can't thank you enough! :)
Copingsaw Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 As I guy I can say that I will always look. Women are beautiful and any guy who says he doesn't look is lying to you. You shouldn't hold that against him. Consider this: He may be able to tell you about it now because he feels comfortable around you and is opening up with some things he wouldn't have told you when your relationship was less developed. I wouldn't necessarily consider it a bad thing (the double standard is another matter of course). The question is can you trust him not to act on him impulses? If so, let him have his fantasies.
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