Ghosted me after saying he wants us to progress?

[babybrowns]

I met a guy a month ago. We are both in our late twenties. We hit it off quickly and he sought to make it very clear to me that he was interested. He would text me every day, sharing details of what he was doing and sending me pictures, asking about my life and how this and that was going and so forth.

 

He even texted me frequently when he went on vacation with his family for a week. He bought me a gift from his vacation. He started planning things with me that were in the future, e.g. what we would do for my birthday, which was 2 months away.

 

However through all the keenness that he portrayed, he would sometimes bring up his ex and did say that he wasn't quite healed yet. They broke up a year ago after dating for 4 years; she wanted to get married but he wasn't ready. His confession about not being healed quite yet was naturally a concern for me especially since we were now on kissing (but not yet sexual) terms. I asked him if he felt it better that we were just friends and he said yes, we should be just friends, he still thinks about his ex and might still love her and doesn't want to hurt me.

They talk sporadically but it happened to be her birthday that particular week, for which he texted her for the first time in months and thus got reminded of her. I asked him if the birthday interaction led to them having a chat but he denied it, saying he "didn't want to open a box that should be kept closed".

 

2 days after expressing to me that being 'just platonic friends' is best for both of us, he texted me saying that he wants to talk some more about it since he was quite confused when he said he wanted to be just friends, he does feel that he wants more with me. So we decided to meet up and talk about it, we were going to meet up last week for this chat. We were going to meet up at a restaurant near me; every single meetup that we had prior to that involved me travelling 1 hour to somewhere within walking distance from his home/work and that's why I suggested that place. However this meetup last week never happened.

 

He got sick last week and kept postponing the day of the meetup (Wednesday, Thursday, Friday). He said he didn't go into work either on Wednesday and Thursday. He said I should go round to his house at the weekend for us to have the chat. But since I was always the one doing the travelling, I suggested that we could wait until he is better if he is too sick that week and meet at this restaurant next week. He didn't see why I couldn't come round his house, we "wouldn't do anything , just chat" but ok. Throughout the week I was giving him medical advice on his infection too since I come from a medical family.

 

Last Friday night, one of the days that he cancelled with me due to 'still being sick', he accidentally told me that he was out with friends. ("How was your evening? I was in this park hanging out with friends") in a park that was far away from him but actually near to my area. I made a simple reply;

"I thought you said you were too sick to see me today?"

 

And that was that. He did not reply. It has now been 3 days, I feel I have been 'ghosted'. I know that the sensible option is to just not text him anything but I don't know if I scared him/ made him feel ashamed and thus should come forward, I am fond of him and would like to see him again. Would appreciate some advice thank you

[Redhead14]

Advice?? Forget this one. He lied to you already. You called him out on it. Is that what you want in a guy? Don't chase him. Block, delete, forget.

 

Move on.

[babybrowns]

Advice?? Forget this one. He lied to you already. You called him out on it. Is that what you want in a guy? Don't chase him. Block, delete, forget.

 

Move on.

 

Yes I caught him in a lie. But we had connection. I don't want a little incident like that, when he himself accidentally admitted he was out, to define us not seeing each other again. I don't intend to chase after him but I feel he might be too scared to contact me and so left that text hanging. But then again I feel that if he is interested enough and really did intend to talk about getting together, he would not let things end there so easily.

[Ami1uwant]

To be fair.. he might not have been lying.

 

His friends could have come over and dragged him out. He doesn’t share saliva with friends thus less transferring sick risk.

[babybrowns]

To be fair.. he might not have been lying.

 

His friends could have come over and dragged him out. He doesn’t share saliva with friends thus less transferring sick risk.

 

Yes it could have been this way. But then surely he would have replied to me and corrected this misconception? It's been 3 days. I am unsure as to whether I should text him something like,

 

"I'm not sure why you have stopped talking to me, but I just want to say that I did enjoy your friendship and company and that if this is it I wish you all the best".

 

Or should I wait longer to hear from him?

Edited September 16, 2019 by babybrowns

[smackie9]

omg.....the min he started saying things about not being healed yet, lets be friends blah blah blah, is the min you should have clicked "delete". This doesn't need a message...he ditched your date and gave you a song and dance. He's a liar and wasted your time.

[babybrowns]

omg.....the min he started saying things about not being healed yet, lets be friends blah blah blah, is the min you should have clicked "delete". This doesn't need a message...he ditched your date and gave you a song and dance. He's a liar and wasted your time.

 

Yea. I just find it strange that he wanted to meet me and said he "really wanted to see me to apologise and talk about "us"' when he would ditch the date and then still ask how my evening was, let slip that he enjoyed it with his friends, then run away when I said "I thought you were too sick to meet me today?". He could have just given a simple explanation if he cared enough. Very strange.

Edited September 16, 2019 by babybrowns

[smackie9]

Yea. I just find it strange that he wanted to meet me and said he "really wanted to see me to apologise and talk about "us"' when he would ditch the date and then still ask how my evening was, let slip that he enjoyed it with his friends, then run away when I said "I thought you were too sick to meet me today?". He could have just given a simple explanation if he cared enough. Very strange.

Not worth your time when he's playing games hun.

[stillafool]

After he told me he wasn't sure about an ex I would have been gone. That is your major red flag for future connections. He probably talked to his ex and he is caught up in his emotions. The guy still needs sex and affection so it's rare that they would turn that down even if they are in love with another woman.

[divegrl]

Please don’t put up with this.

 

You are emotionally invested and therefore cannot see things clearly. This guy has minimal interest and will likely string you along for a couple weeks/months .... if you let him.

 

The right guy would never leave you feeling confused.

 

Take care my friend.

[babybrowns]

After he told me he wasn't sure about an ex I would have been gone. That is your major red flag for future connections. He probably talked to his ex and he is caught up in his emotions. The guy still needs sex and affection so it's rare that they would turn that down even if they are in love with another woman.

 

Yes it might be the case that he's talking his ex again. But it's just that, he didn't just want me for sex. I didn't sleep with him even when I stayed over at his house, and made it clear that I need time before going that far with someone.

We share a lot of the same hobbies and he wanted to do things together like play tennis and things. After he told me we should be just friends, he said he changed his mind and wanted to meet with me soon to "apologise and have an important chat".

[Redhead14]

He could have just given a simple explanation if he cared enough.

 

 

The operative word there is "if" . . . cared enough. He doesn't. He was playing games.

[Redhead14]

But we had connection.

 

 

 

Connection? What do you consider a connection? To me it sounded like he was using you as his emotional tampon when he was whining about his ex while setting you up as a back up for sex and companionship until he can get back with the ex. But, that's just my take on it . . .

[babybrowns]

Connection? What do you consider a connection? To me it sounded like he was using you as his emotional tampon when he was whining about his ex while setting you up as a back up for sex and companionship until he can get back with the ex. But, that's just my take on it . . .

 

You might be right here. The guy would never really plan our dates, I would be the one pushing for us to make restaurant reservations etc. He never once bought me dinner either and would never travel to see me, costing me 1 hour's worth of travel time each time to see him. And would always want to take a 'couple selfie' with me from date #1 which I found very strange. Perhaps he did just want me just for companionship/ a pseudo-girlfriend where he didn't have to put in any effort.

[Asayi]

The ex thing was the biggest red flag ever and you still chose to close your eyes and believe that if you could see him one more time, he would fall for you and instantly forget about the ex. You put yourself in a weak position by agreeing to see him even though he confessed to you that he was emotionally unavailable. The right answer would have been ‘Thank you for your honesty, but I’m not interested to just be friends and I’m not interested to keep seeing someone who’s emotionally unavailable’ then you would have wish him the best and delete him from your life. The truth is that a man who’s really into you would never jeopardize his chances of being with you by mentioning another woman (worst when it’s an ex). He seems like a guy who doesn’t know how to commit. Another red flag that you dismissed: he was with the ex for 4 years and ran away when she mentioned a deeper commitment. At least he didn’t make you lose 4 years of your life.

 

Don’t text him again. Ever. If he has time to see his friends, he had time to see you for that ‘important talk’ that he kept postponing. Another mistake that you did: you were ready to go near his place to accommodate him while he should have been the one to drive to see you. Worst is that he doesn’t value you by asking you to come to his place. He doesn’t want to put efforts.

 

It sucks, but you definitely dodged a bullet. Don’t chase him. Keep your dignity intact and delete his number. No answer IS an answer. You can find closure in his silence. Of course, being ghosted hurts a lot and isn’t fair, but what’s worst than sending a message and getting no answer is sending another text... and another one to keep getting ignored. You don’t want that. Let him go and move forward. Schedule other dates with other guys and let them treat you like you deserve: nothing less.

[FMW]

He could have just given a simple explanation if he cared enough.

 

Exactly - so the message is he DOESN'T care enough. Don't waste time wondering why, it really doesn't matter. You had a series of questionable actions/inactions leading up to this.

 

At the very least do not contact him again. I would also say don't bother responding if he does eventually reach out again, but the big thing is don't initiate.

 

My guess is you will (we've all made that mistake), but just know the odds are not in your favor of this working out.

[babybrowns]

It sucks, but you definitely dodged a bullet. Don’t chase him. Keep your dignity intact and delete his number. No answer IS an answer. You can find closure in his silence. Of course, being ghosted hurts a lot and isn’t fair, but what’s worst than sending a message and getting no answer is sending another text... and another one to keep getting ignored. You don’t want that. Let him go and move forward. Schedule other dates with other guys and let them treat you like you deserve: nothing less.

 

Thank you, your answer helped a lot. I've never been messed around like this by a man before and given his age and assumed maturity (28) I did take him seriously when he said he does want to try something with me, when he apologised for saying we should be just friends and nothing more etc. I am fond of him though and do want to be friends if he does contact me again, I feel that we connect well even if just as friends.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[babybrowns]

Exactly - so the message is he DOESN'T care enough. Don't waste time wondering why, it really doesn't matter. You had a series of questionable actions/inactions leading up to this.

 

At the very least do not contact him again. I would also say don't bother responding if he does eventually reach out again, but the big thing is don't initiate.

 

My guess is you will (we've all made that mistake), but just know the odds are not in your favor of this working out.

 

Thank you for this. I know that the right thing is to not respond, I feel that I will though since I am that fond of him. But I'm not going past friendship after all this, it has lowered my opinion of him.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You might be right here. The guy would never really plan our dates, I would be the one pushing for us to make restaurant reservations etc. He never once bought me dinner either and would never travel to see me, costing me 1 hour's worth of travel time each time to see him. And would always want to take a 'couple selfie' with me from date #1 which I found very strange. Perhaps he did just want me just for companionship/ a pseudo-girlfriend where he didn't have to put in any effort.

 

 

He is likely posting it on social media to make his ex jealous.

[Gretchen12]

You're fond of him but he doesn't want your fondness. He is silent because he is ashamed and scared as he should be. This whole thing (and your naive tolerance of his antics) make him feel like a real scum. That means he cannot love you or even be your friend because he has guilt and your fondness is but a burden on him.

[Asayi]

Thank you, your answer helped a lot. I've never been messed around like this by a man before and given his age and assumed maturity (28) I did take him seriously when he said he does want to try something with me, when he apologised for saying we should be just friends and nothing more etc. I am fond of him though and do want to be friends if he does contact me again, I feel that we connect well even if just as friends.

 

Having a ‘connection’ with someone doesn’t mean anything if the person disrespects you like he did. Don’t only look for a connection. Look for someone who truly wants to be with you, who puts efforts and who values you.

 

Having a connection with someone doesn’t mean that this person won’t ghost you or do you wrong.

 

Age isn’t always relevant either to be honest. I met guys who were in their early thirties and who were more immature than guys in their mid twenties.

 

Don’t agree to be ‘friends’ with someone if you want more. That would cheapen you. You want someone who wants you, not someone who wants your accommodation.

[ExpatInItaly]

He isn’t scared to message you, OP. He just doesn’t care enough to make things right.

 

You should have been gone at the first mention of not being over his ex That is the real problem here, and one which you shouldn’t overlook. He’s too hung up on her to date anyone else and wanted to let you down “gently” without feeling like the bad guy.

 

Really, don’t waste more time on him. He’s not serious about you.

[Maddie82]

You may have felt a connection but i can guarantee you that he didn't. Him wanting to be just friends should've told you that. He had too much baggage ie his ex, and he lied to you. Do what others have suggested. Block his number and don't bother with him again. There are better guys than that out there.

[stillafool]

I'm not understanding women who want to be "friends" with men who ghost them. If you are ghosted they have little to no respect for you so why would you want that person as a friend?

[Redhead14]

I'm not understanding women who want to be "friends" with men who ghost them. If you are ghosted they have little to no respect for you so why would you want that person as a friend?

 

 

They don't really want to be just friends. They are hoping that the guy will change his mind and fall for them or they are convinced that the guy really is more interested but he is shy or doesn't know how to show her or whatever lie they want to tell themselves for ego maintenance.