Conversations on OLD

[max3732]

I'm having trouble with multiple women on OLD and don't quite know what to do

 

1. There is one I talked to on the phone and had setup a date this week and she's been texting me constantly. She asked over text if I'd been married and I told her no. She asked why when I'm such a great guy. My response included something like "I haven't been able to figure out how women think. I'm definitely a great guy and also have pretty high standards so it's hard to find the kind of women I'm interested in". After I sent this she said she wanted to cancel our date since she found it so arrogant and that she didn't think we'd be a good match based on how I communicated that. Huh?

 

2. Before my trip I met someone in person and now that I'm back I contacted her asking show she's been and if she'd like to meet for lunch. Her response was "Hey Max". How am I supposed to respond to that?

 

3. Someone contacted me on Bumble with "Hey, how are you". In her profile she said she just moved here so I said "Doing great. How do you like living here so far?" She never responded so I sent her something else asking her if "how are you" is the best should could do and she said that she never responded because my question "didn't inspire her". What does that mean? I have to be a muse for her?

 

4. On Match while I was traveling this women said she was looking forward to meeting when I got back and to make sure to show her lots of pictures. When I got back I contacted her and she said she wanted to finally meet me in person. When I suggested a date she said she'd "check and get back to me" and I haven't heard from her since.

 

5. Also on Match someone liked my profile so I contacted her and she never responded. Now like 3 months later I just got a message saying "good morning. Hope you have a great day". What am I supposed to do with this?

 

Overall I'm communicating with this women online, but actually meeting them in person and forming an actual relationship seems impossible. All this texting/messaging that goes nowhere is very confusing. It's like trying to decode a secret language or something.

[Ruby Slippers]

OLD is full of poor communicators and flakes. I think some people on there just want a virtual "relationship" and have no intention of meeting anybody.

[smackie9]

oh ya #1 there I would be turned off by your answer too. Boy you lack finesse. You could have answered with "Ive dated some very nice ladies, but, still haven't met the one you know? You can understand that don't you? It's been a long search, but I do look forward to finding her " Positive, cute, romantic.

[max3732]

oh ya #1 there I would be turned off by your answer too. Boy you lack finesse. You could have answered with "Ive dated some very nice ladies, but, still haven't met the one you know? You can understand that don't you? It's been a long search, but I do look forward to finding her " Positive, cute, romantic.

 

Obviously my answer wasn't exactly Shakespeare, but was it bad enough that you would go from basically inviting me out and texting me constantly to wanting to never talk to me again?

 

When I wrote it I was juggling a bunch of other things and it was last text before telling her I had to go since I was embarrassed I kept taking my phone out to answer her while I was out with a bunch of people.

 

What about the other issues?

[max3732]

OLD is full of poor communicators and flakes. I think some people on there just want a virtual "relationship" and have no intention of meeting anybody.

 

It's very frustrating. Especially if they say they want to meet and even start talking about places and times. I just checked and I got a message from someone agreeing to a date next week. Hopefully she won't flake too. I'm spending so much time and money on this and really want to meet someone!

[alphamale]

OLD is mostly weirdos and ner-do-wells. Most of these women are looking for Bradley Cooper and his fat paycheck and large penis.

[devilish innocent]

These women probably feel as though they have a lot of options to select from so they're not taking anyone too seriously. I think you should forgot ladies number 1 and number 3. You haven't said anything wrong with your previous responses to them, but their attitude is clearly that they've lost interest so let them go. I think you could still check in with numbers 2, 4, and 5. They seem like they may have gotten distracted, but it doesn't mean they won't agree to a date and that you might not hit it off at that point.

[Sam2020]

I'm having trouble with multiple women on OLD and don't quite know what to do

 

1. There is one I talked to on the phone and had setup a date this week and she's been texting me constantly. She asked over text if I'd been married and I told her no. She asked why when I'm such a great guy. My response included something like "I haven't been able to figure out how women think. I'm definitely a great guy and also have pretty high standards so it's hard to find the kind of women I'm interested in". After I sent this she said she wanted to cancel our date since she found it so arrogant and that she didn't think we'd be a good match based on how I communicated that. Huh?

 

Yeah that doesn't read well and I too would most likely think that you're a bit full of yourself. "I haven't bee able to figure out how women think."? Yikes!

 

As Smackie9 mentioned, be positive, cute & romantic!

[max3732]

Yeah that doesn't read well and I too would most likely think that you're a bit full of yourself. "I haven't bee able to figure out how women think."? Yikes!

 

As Smackie9 mentioned, be positive, cute & romantic!

 

For some reason the movie where the guy could read women's minds jumped into my head and I was just thinking that I can't do that. Obviously in hindsight it doesn't read well at all.

[MsJayne]

Online dating is evil. Stop giving corporations money for nothing more than having your self-esteem battered and your hopes crushed. A photo' and a quick 'about me' is a truly awful way to meet people, some of the coolest people aren't photogenic and aren't very good at waffling about themselves. There's a relative handful of good-looking, over-confident *********s having the time of their lives on those sites while guys like you sit by eating themselves up about why it's not working for them. For a long time I refused to ever use dates sites again, then a few months ago I let a girlfriend badger me into giving it another go. It's exactly as I remembered it, full of sleaze and desperation. These sites are destroying good old fashioned romance, and the world would, literally, be a better place if people like you just refused to use them.

[chillii]

Butttt, in fairness , during my brief old thing, just about everyone l met b2tchxxd it up about every guy she'd encountered, and ex's and God knows what else.

Another thing was just going on messages. Even my woman only said a few words in a message,couldn't get anything out of her.

l would've given up for sure but l liked her a lot and l had a feeling about her so l persisted. Yet when we called she was brilliant, one the coolest personalities l've ever met.

She told me later she just hated messaging on there and was exhausted from the bs.

 

So as in anything with that stuff it seems , very tricky business.

Edited September 17, 2019 by chillii

[smackie9]

Obviously my answer wasn't exactly Shakespeare, but was it bad enough that you would go from basically inviting me out and texting me constantly to wanting to never talk to me again?

 

Yes it can be that simple, and I got the same impression as she did. This>>"I haven't been able to figure out how women think. I'm definitely a great guy and also have pretty high standards so it's hard to find the kind of women I'm interested in". is so negative...it says issues all over it.

Edited September 17, 2019 by smackie9

[SumGuy]

I'm having trouble with multiple women on OLD and don't quite know what to do

 

1. There is one I talked to on the phone and had setup a date this week and she's been texting me constantly. She asked over text if I'd been married and I told her no. She asked why when I'm such a great guy. My response included something like "I haven't been able to figure out how women think. I'm definitely a great guy and also have pretty high standards so it's hard to find the kind of women I'm interested in". After I sent this she said she wanted to cancel our date since she found it so arrogant and that she didn't think we'd be a good match based on how I communicated that. Huh?

It's stuff like this that has soured me on pre-meet phone calls. The "best" I've had are just OK and invariably for me I find them to be people seeking a reason to reject you, it's cherry picking and confirmation bias of the highest order. What you do learn is what has hurt them in the past, sadly you are paying for the sins of someone else.

What you said may have been unartful, but instead of giving you a chance or jumping to conclusions from a few sentences that can be interpreted a couple ways (especially if the visual clues of body language were present) you are immediately put in pigeon hole, judged and rejected.

In contrast, in an in person meeting I can rarely see that happening. If they are a thinking person they would explore it more to see where you are coming from. If they have even a modicum of being able to put themselves in someone else shoes (there but for the grace of God go I) they would realize that sometimes they speak inelegantly and put their foot in their mouth and so would not jump to conclusions.

Lastly, just because a person is eloquent over the phone means nothing about their character, absolutely nothing.

Overall though this is good that it happened. A person like this is will jump to conclusions on other things. Instead of being fair they will be judgmental, of course justified by the trail of hurt they have suffered in life. No thanks.

 

2. Before my trip I met someone in person and now that I'm back I contacted her asking show she's been and if she'd like to meet for lunch. Her response was "Hey Max". How am I supposed to respond to that?

My response would be to say "Hey [insert name]. So what do you say to meeting this next this day at this place at this time for a drink?" Take it as a "yes" until you get a no, she may be waiting for you to proposes something.

 

3. Someone contacted me on Bumble with "Hey, how are you". In her profile she said she just moved here so I said "Doing great. How do you like living here so far?" She never responded so I sent her something else asking her if "how are you" is the best should could do and she said that she never responded because my question "didn't inspire her". What does that mean? I have to be a muse for her?

Another bullet dodged. Yes you don't only have to be her muse but her monkey, dance monkey dance. Some women call that chasing or chivalry or some other word that doesn't sound as bad as entitled child with no social skills. This woman is like the first one. She is looking for some magic words instead of character. Maybe she is looking for humor or intelligence (which you can get from words to a degree) but anyone worth having (in my opinion), that is like that will never be so rude, shallow or appear so lacking in social graces as to say what she said.

 

4. On Match while I was traveling this women said she was looking forward to meeting when I got back and to make sure to show her lots of pictures. When I got back I contacted her and she said she wanted to finally meet me in person. When I suggested a date she said she'd "check and get back to me" and I haven't heard from her since.

This is common, and should get use to it. It means that you are not high on her interest list at the moment, for whatever reason. Something happened in the intervening time, life or someone else. I wouldn't get upset about it as there is no reason she should put her search on hold while you travel, but her saying look me up after means she does find something interesting about you. That is always the chance you take when you wait to meet.

If you can respond in a way that shows you are completely good with that, understand her search went on, and you are still open to meeting with her should she free you can impress with your maturity and understanding But please only do that if you can deal with it.

 

5. Also on Match someone liked my profile so I contacted her and she never responded. Now like 3 months later I just got a message saying "good morning. Hope you have a great day". What am I supposed to do with this?

Whatever you want. You never know what like means. It could be she need to like or skip you to keep scrolling through her matches. Otherwise you disappear, I hate that about match. But she wasn't ready to meet you yet, again for whatever reason but likely meeting others. Guessing those other did not work out...good for you...you are still on her list. It is kind of a lame opener, but hey....there but for the grace of God.

I would not interrogate her about it though if you meet her. You may say something like (if you can od it in alight hearted humorous manner) glad you got back to me I thought for a second I had responded to the wrong like. Or something like that, a glad you reached out again and a bit of humor. Again only if you can really internalize that. I'm not saying don't keep this as a data point about her, just keep it good until you can figure her out better.

 

Overall I'm communicating with this women online, but actually meeting them in person and forming an actual relationship seems impossible. All this texting/messaging that goes nowhere is very confusing. It's like trying to decode a secret language or something.

Humans are like that, there is nuance, and gasp, even disassembling to our interactions.

My advice is to meet, arrange to meet soon (less than a week out), and arrange to meet after messaging 2-3 days messaging max.

Don't leave it to her to pick a day, time and place.

I first propose a couple of days or the weekend. Once that is agreed to, if she says more than one is OK you pick the day, I mention I'll look for a place near her (if haven't already as that can be important in people picking a day). Then the next message is: "how about we meet at this day, at this place or this place at this time." I think it is always good to give a choice of places, it's considerate and shows good planning.

If you are lucky there may be two places that are good with different vibes, that might be good at gauging her style.

In any event pick a place you might like to go to alone so if she doesn't show or the meet is a bust you at least got to experience the place. Noting says after she leaves you can't go back in, but courtesy dictates at least wait until she is out of site.

Picking a place you might like also puts you in an adventure/fun mindset as you are going to derive fun from just being there.

 

 

and pleas forgive all the typos as I type this stuff fast, and yes it is not as important to me as my work writing or OLD messages

Edited September 17, 2019 by SumGuy

[Ruby Slippers]

For a long time I refused to ever use dates sites again, then a few months ago I let a girlfriend badger me into giving it another go. It's exactly as I remembered it, full of sleaze and desperation. These sites are destroying good old fashioned romance, and the world would, literally, be a better place if people like you just refused to use them.

I got off dating sites when I met someone last year. We broke up in May, but I haven't gone back and am pretty sure I won't.

 

When he and I got together, we talked about how we were both so relieved to delete our profiles, both had the same experience - sifting through tons of pieces of hay in search of that one glinting needle in the haystack. It seems to take a huge effort to find anyone close to what you're looking for - and even then, that's no guarantee it's a good match for long term.

 

While I never paid for a dating site, he said he wasted tons of money on a number of sites, which is a shame and I'm sure very common among men. That's money you men should be investing in quality relationships and potentially families, not some faceless corporation's bank account.

 

Let's bring back old-fashioned dating and romance. I think it will be more effective.

[alphamale]

why did you two break up last May RS?

[Ruby Slippers]

He's a Marine veteran, has PTSD from combat. He has many great qualities, was ideal in some ways (romance, fun, sex, some of the man stuff), but is emotionally unstable and not smart with money, making marriage a no-go.

[max3732]

Just to follow up:

 

1. Sent me a text that she overreacted and would consider meeting me after another call. Not really sure what to expect here or if it's even worth pursuing. Part of me is thinking of saying to forgo another call and let's just meet in person instead and see if there is chemistry.

2. I sent her a text and haven't heard back yet

3. I'm not going to follow up

4. Responded that she would like to meet and was wondering what time. I gave her a day, 3 possibilities and told her the one I was leaning towards. She lives in an area I'm not familiar with and thought it would good to give some options in case the activity I picked is something she wouldn't like

5. Sent her a message this morning

[alphamale]

He's a Marine veteran, has PTSD from combat. He has many great qualities, was ideal in some ways (romance, fun, sex, some of the man stuff), but is emotionally unstable and not smart with money, making marriage a no-go.

 

well he could have gone to therapy for his emotions and you would have managed the money after marriage

[Ruby Slippers]

^ I wish it were that simple. In spite of his issues, I was pretty crazy about him and we tried just about everything to make it work. Ultimately it did not. I'm not sorry we tried, though. We made some truly fabulous memories that I'll never forget.

[max3732]

^ I wish it were that simple. In spite of his issues, I was pretty crazy about him and we tried just about everything to make it work. Ultimately it did not. I'm not sorry we tried, though. We made some truly fabulous memories that I'll never forget.

 

Sorry things didn't work out with him. Sounds like you did everything you could to make it work.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you

[SumGuy]

Just to follow up:

 

1. Sent me a text that she overreacted and would consider meeting me after another call. Not really sure what to expect here or if it's even worth pursuing. Part of me is thinking of saying to forgo another call and let's just meet in person instead and see if there is chemistry....

I would say let's just meet, would leave off to "see if there is chemistry." Chemistry I think can imply sex, perhaps not an implication you want to give here.

 

You could also just pass if your interest level is low.

 

Of course realize I'm in the phone calls do little good camp but also because I don't find spending 3 nights a week meeting people a problem. YMMV

[max3732]

I would say let's just meet, would leave off to "see if there is chemistry." Chemistry I think can imply sex, perhaps not an implication you want to give here.

 

You could also just pass if your interest level is low.

 

Of course realize I'm in the phone calls do little good camp but also because I don't find spending 3 nights a week meeting people a problem. YMMV

 

That's good to know about the implication from discussing chemistry. I thought it was just how you felt when talking to the other person.

 

I'm kind of on the fence with meeting her, but I think overall I need more experience going out with women so I'm leaning towards giving it a try

[SumGuy]

That's good to know about the implication from discussing chemistry. I thought it was just how you felt when talking to the other person.

....

Oh it does, but you’re already in the judgement zone with her. I generally would same chemistry because sex is also a part of it for the women I’m interested in.