Dealing with my GF friends and their impact on our relationship

[High Voltage]

Hello everyone,

 

PS: excuse my bad english.

 

Me and my GF had a conversation yesterday about her friends and how i'm supposed to deal with their presence in her life.

 

To contextualize, we are together for 4 months now. i'm an introvert person and i have few friends, i'am good like that. However, My GF is extrovert, she has lots of friends, really lots of friends ( she introduced me so far to 20 persons and still i dont know all of her friends ) she has lots of male friends and female ones.

Every time, she speaks about her friends, she always recalls me how much she loves them and they are important in her life.

 

When we first met, she introduced me quickly to the closer ones and it went good ( all of the ones i met liked me and told her how we are good together )

 

I made lots of efforts to meet bunch of people i dont know and did it for her cause i love her. basically, i was planing to put some boundaries between her friends world and me but i didn't want her to take this step badly and to feel any change after coming to her life... i wanted my presence in her life to be smooth, i then made the effort to accept numerous invitations.

 

last week, she told me that one of her male friends is inviting us for dinner at his place with his wife and his kids. i said OK, sounds good.

later at her place, she started to speak about her friend and told me that he smokes hashish and will probably do it in front of us. i made a spontaneous remark about it how this is bad for one's life. she got then mad and told me that i judged her friend. i tried to explain that i have friends who smoke hashish and never thought that they were bad persons. she has not change her mind and kept believing i made a judgement.

 

last sunday, there was her belated bday party organized by her friends ( we spent her bday together but she wanted a second bday party with her friends ) i was not in. Basically, i thought that it was a "ladies party" but she told me later that there was one of her male friends and other male friends showed up later.

Yesterday, we went to the movies/diner together ( it was amazing ) before leaving the restaurant, i saw on her phone some photos from the sunday party, i asked spontaneously to see the photos but she refused, when i insisted, she said that she didn't want me to make bad remarks about her friends... i was confused.

She then dropped me off and went to her place, she then sent me the photos and told me that:

- i need to stop thinking that she imagine bad things about me towards her friends;

- she has the right to put some boundaries between me and some from her cercle;

- i know 50% of her friends and she knows 0;

- she has her private parties with them and she needs that.

 

we had a light dispute about those statements.. basically, i tried to explain that their presence does not bother me and making a bad remark is not a judgement and i always made the effort for her to meet them and now they are becoming a subject of dispute, i need to back up and put some boundaries and show up very less, she said "OK, that was not the aim of the conversation but if i want to, it's okay"

 

This morning, she called me to ask about me and "hear my voice" she told me that she loves me but didnt made any remark about yesterday conversation... i think she just wanted to rassure me that everythings fine between us...

 

I am really confused and dont know how to feel about that. I love her and i'am fearing this will break everything up.. i'm also confused about the fact she excluded from her bday party and that she wants to put some boundaries between me and her friends. i am also a bit jealous about the presence of this amount of her friends... i feel that her happiness is shared between me and 50 persons... i already told her that if they bring her joy, i'm OK with their presence but the fact she defended her friend ( about the remark i made ) against me made me feel bad and feel less priority in her life.

 

she always recalls me that i'm her top priortiy tough.

 

Any sights ?

Thank you

[kendahke]

You need to figure out what you want, figure out how to tell her what you want and if she stalls or protests, then you need to take to heart on a serious tip that despite what she's saying to you, her behavior is showing you that these "friends" of hers will always be far more important to her than you and your feelings---and you and your feelings will always be what has to shift and accommodate her friends--she would rather cut her tongue out of her head than to insist they respect any boundary you set for yourself and your relationship with her.

 

At best, you're #30 on her priority list and she'll demonstrate that by the numbers of her friends she allows to trample on you.

 

BTW, your English is excellent.

[Maggiemay1]

You have only “known” her for 16 weeks.

How old are you in weeks?

 

She has introduced you to people and you have introduced her to none. Why is that?

 

Why make a remark about her friend smoking hash when your friend does too?

It is irrelevant!

 

You say you accepted several invitations because you love her? But you don’t love her. You don’t even know her yet.

 

Why create or put up with drama when you barely know this girl?

[smackie9]

There is nothing wrong with having a life outside your relationship. This is her, the way she is and her lifestyle. You are now just realizing that you are not fitting into her life like you think you should. This is called incompatibility. Some day you will figure out, no matter how much you love someone, if you can't share your lives the way you like, it's not going to work out. She will always want her space. And since you are an introvert, there will be times she won't want you there. Now if you really want this to work, you will have to be more extrovert, social, mingle on your own instead of her having you in tow. To tell her to cut back on her social time for you just proves my point, you are not compatible.

[d0nnivain]

Her wanting to put boundaries between you & her friends is bad. Her being OK that you prefer to bow out of her whirlwind social life would be good. I think my husband attends less than 75% of what we're invited to & many times he leaves early. He actually went to a party without me over the weekend for an interesting change of pace. That is perfectly OK. It would not be OK if I stopped inviting him. IMO, when an introvert dates and extrovert, the introvert gets to chose how many social things they want to attend & the extrovert always extends the offer. The introvert also does not get to limit how often the extrovert goes out.

 

She's not handling your opinion about her friend's smoking habit well. You weren't judging. You were just making an observation about the deleterious health effects smoking anything can have. Given that you are friends with other people who indulge, I did not see you judging in any way.

[schlumpy]

She's trying to pull you into her world. It's so much fun, she reasons, being engaged every single moment of the day that she's sure you will see it her way. Extroverts rarely understand the internal need of introverts for downtime and one-on-one relationships that don't include dozens of other people.

 

At some point you are going to find yourself saying "no" more than "yes" and she will either turn your way or let you go.

 

Try not to lose yourself in her until you know for sure.

[justwhoiam]

last week, she told me that one of her male friends is inviting us for dinner at his place with his wife and his kids. i said OK, sounds good.

later at her place, she started to speak about her friend and told me that he smokes hashish and will probably do it in front of us

Ok. For me, that friend has to go. I know I wouldn't bring my kids into that environment where they'd perceive smoking weed as normal and welcome in a social context. I want to raise my children thinking they don't need to rely on substances to socialize and have fun. I know this is the early stages of a relationship, but if you don't make it clear now, it'd be hypocritical to oppose the friendship later on.

 

i made a spontaneous remark about it how this is bad for one's life. she got then mad and told me that i judged her friend.

Next thing you know, it's good getting drunk while pregnant. I guess you didn't stand your ground as - like most men - you were just unprepared to face such a discussion in order to win it. And your position became weak and groundless.

 

last sunday, there was her belated bday party organized by her friends

Fail. You were introduced to half of her friends. You should have arranged the party with them, involving them, not them arranging it for her, as if she didn't have a boyfriend. Again, you came across as weak and not up to the task.

 

( we spent her bday together but she wanted a second bday party with her friends ) i was not in. Basically, i thought that it was a "ladies party" but she told me later that there was one of her male friends and other male friends showed up later.

I guess she didn't want you around, and that wouldn't sit well with me, and that'd be an understatement.

 

Yesterday, we went to the movies/diner together ( it was amazing ) before leaving the restaurant, i saw on her phone some photos from the sunday party, i asked spontaneously to see the photos but she refused

It was very annoying of her.

 

- she has the right to put some boundaries between me and some from her cercle

You have a right not to hang out with them, but that's your decision. Her wanting you away from them is bad. I wouldn't put up with it.

 

i know 50% of her friends and she knows 0

Well, you should introduce her to your friends as well.

 

she has her private parties with them and she needs that.

If that excluded me regardless, then no, for me it'd be a dealbreaker. And the drug-addicted ones need to go. It's not my lifestyle, and I don't like the smell of smoke in general. It makes my eyes cry. I have delicate eyes.

 

I am really confused and dont know how to feel about that. I love her and i'am fearing this will break everything up..

I can certainly understand that.

 

i'm also confused about the fact she excluded from her bday party and that she wants to put some boundaries between me and her friends.

I would see that as: not being comfortable having you around when she's more loose with her friends, like keeping that side of her hidden from you, and you not being fun to her or being a party-pooper. Any of that is good to me. It's all bad. But I'd be willing to go, if that's how she felt about me. Also, I see it as demeaning for a man.

 

i am also a bit jealous about the presence of this amount of her friends

If they're just friends, you need to overcome that. And you can only overcome that if you're part of it, at least partially, not completely out of it, at least in the beginning.

 

she always recalls me that i'm her top priortiy tough.

Then she'll need to make decisions along the road.

[samspade]

Do not verbally "set boundaries," OP. Simply have them and if she crosses them give her a second chance. After that, if she doesn't get the hint, do what's best for you, with dignity.

 

 

 

A woman with a lot of guy friends, including one that smokes hash, sounds like trouble to me.

[Beendaredonedat]

You have only been with her for four months and now you've found out that basically, you are incompatible with her in too many ways to make this work long term.

 

You can't control who she is friends with or when she wants to be with them especially if she is including you. You don't like to be included so you will either be left at home while she goes out and you will resent that she has gone without you or she will resent you and find someone new because you are never with her which will make for a bad partner. Even if you do go, you will go reluctantly which will ruin her fun as well.

 

I think you are with the wrong person for you and it doesn't matter how much you like/love her, if you aren't compatible then things will go sour fast.

 

Think about that.