Author Alugo6340 Posted May 17, 2019 Author Posted May 17, 2019 You sound like you have a mental health issue. Please go see a doctor, we cannot help you here. Um why do you figure that? Cause I have insecurities, I’m gonna seek a therapist and see what they say have to say about that. Are you a therapist? If you mean therapy yes I’ll look into it.
kendahke Posted May 17, 2019 Posted May 17, 2019 My most recent experience is a guy online, who when I began speaking to him tells me how sick he was. I made the remark "does it know who it's up against?", and it seemed to put some starch in his spine and spike his interest in me. Then after making plans for a first meeting the following weekend, he messaged that couldn't make our first meeting because he was "still sick" and couldn't shake whatever it was he had. I said "no worries--feel better" and then blocked him. I know when I'm being played by an amateur who's only on OLD to waste everyone's time.
Love2015 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Please read other people's posts. My last three OLD...I slept with and as soon as done...they want out and never saw me again....alll different times of when I had sex but outcome still the same. ...hang in there.
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) but when I asked him recently , It’s just these guys get turned on by me but say things to make me question myself or appearance. You have deep seated self esteem issues. You need to address those & become more self confident. It shouldn't matter that much what somebody else thinks of you. What matters is how you view yourself. You are looking for reassurance in all the wrong places. That is not to say that getting compliments is bad per se. We all enjoy the ego boost but you shouldn't need them. Somebody else's opinion will do nothing to ease your insecurities. That has to come from within. My husband is a man of few words. When he does give a compliment it's a 4 letter word like you look good / nice / fine etc. It made me so nuts that I once bought him a Thesaurus with those words tabbed & highlighted so he's say something . . . .anything else. His explanation was he just assumed I knew how beautiful I was so there was no need for him to say anything. Hearing that was a mixed bag because I wanted the compliment. Difference between you & me is I didn't need it My husband's taciturn style is not an objective indicator of my looks. When you believe in yourself you won't need validation from others. Yes you may still enjoy hearing because who doesn't like a compliment but it won't be so devastating if it doesn't happen. You also have to remember that people often say the wrong things. They are not reading from a script of writers who agonized over just the right word & inflection. Stop parsing their words so closely. When you become more confident in your own skin most of these issues will disappear. We all have self doubt but healthy people self soothe. Edited May 20, 2019 by d0nnivain
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Her photo is not the problem. The problem is she leads with how many other men have already rejected her then wonders why the ones she meets are . . . unsuitable. Umm yeah, you don't tell the guy you are on date w/ that another guy rejected you. Then the guy will feel like he is just a back up. Plus you look desperate. Everyone gets rejected. A lot of people online pretend to be something they are not to get in your pants.
Author Alugo6340 Posted September 16, 2019 Author Posted September 16, 2019 (edited) I’m a 23 year old woman and I’ll go on dating sites like MeetMe or okcupid and talk to guys. Some of them I talked to for a few weeks or off and on for a few months but didn’t meet cause they were looking for something casual and I wanted a relationship but anyway some guys would message me telling me I’m really cute and pretty and make me feel good about myself since I still get called ugly or treated as such as an adult sometimes so it made me feel good when some guys messaged me and complimented me and told me I was pretty but then later on when I asked them if they meant the compliments or if they actually think I’m pretty. they will tell me that no they didn’t mean it at all and that they actually find me unattractive. These guys acted sexual too but I never rejected them or had sex with them or met up with them but I would just let them tell me I’m pretty and how beautiful I am and they would sometimes even say they want to meet me and then later tell me that honestly they don’t find me attractive and “good luck on finding a nice guy” and some of the same guys that made me feel good about myself randomly start insulting me saying hurtful out of the blue when I didn’t reject them or sleep with them or nothing. It’s just one day it’s like they eighter admit they were never attracted to me or thought I was good looking and lied about it and led me on the whole time or maybe they saw an ugly picture of me and decided that was it. Idk if anyone else had this happen but maybe they were just horny or drunk? Idk but this is why I can’t trust people when they compliment me cause 5 or 6 guys have admitted I’m not attractive when they called me cute before and again I never met these guys so now I believe no guys are truly attracted to me and I have a hard time finding a boyfriend due to my looks probably . I just let them compliment me cause it felt good at the time and they seemed nice til one day they got rude and uninterested and insulted me. It doesn’t help that I have big boobs cause 90 percent of the time I got compliments on mostly my breasts instead how pretty I am and I feel like if I were to cut them off to where their a C cup then they wouldn’t find me attractive anymore . I worry that most guys only message me cause of my body. I don’t dress slutty eighter but it’s discouraging when they can’t compliment much else. Two guys even said my face looks trans and no one has said that before til recently, and they were cute guys that messaged me first so that’s even worse. I just don’t believe anyone who says I’m cute cause of all these liars and negative experiences. It’s like if it weren’t for my large chest then no one would be attracted to me. How can I handle this? Idk why guys do this. No this is not the same as my other posts cause these guys I didn’t meet in person, they just message me with a “Hey I think your really cute! Let’s get to know each other ” it’s not me seeking compliments it’s them complimenting me on their own and then we get along texting a few days or a week or whatever and then randomly one day they say they weren’t ever attracted to me or I might just asked them “did you mean the good things you said when you said I was attractive?” Then they’ll say no. It wasn’t me asking them repeatedly cause lately I been trying more and more to give people the benefit of the doubt and I still get shat on. This why I’m so insecure about my looks cause people say I’m pretty and then admit they lied about it later and turn mean for no reason. Any other woman experience this? Edited September 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 Sounds like they just wanted quick sex and when you didn't bite they didn't want to keep in contact, but since you asked, they were truthful and told you they aren't attracted to you . This is online dating.
Author Alugo6340 Posted September 16, 2019 Author Posted September 16, 2019 Ok thanks for the honesty. Hopefully there’s some guys out there that truly think I’m attractive tho.
basil67 Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 You've written extensively about this in the past. I'm truly sorry to hear that you're still so focused on your appearance. And honestly, contacting numerous guys later to ask what they *really* thought is so self destructive. I'm going to guess that not many other woman would experience this....as I suspect most don't call men back later and ask these questions as you do. Did you ever start therapy as discussed? 1
Author Alugo6340 Posted September 16, 2019 Author Posted September 16, 2019 i know I’m insecure but you don’t seem to grasp that it’s due to negative experiences in the past. We are total of our experiences. This has happened before I became insecure enough to ask guys what they think. I was STILL lead on and lied to in the past to the point where it DOES make me question people and ask them if they meant it or not and yes I’d like therapy but I can’t afford it.
Author Alugo6340 Posted September 16, 2019 Author Posted September 16, 2019 While I have had some positive experiences with online Dating or with guys in general, the negative outweighs the good experiences.
basil67 Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 (edited) Please remember that looks are subjective - and that the most important part of you is who you are. It's not about what you look like. OLD is tough. Most people do report many negative experiences from it, so you're not alone in this. Do you have any opportunity to meet men in real life? Do you have a good circle of friends who you can socialise with? Edited September 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Alugo6340 Posted September 16, 2019 Author Posted September 16, 2019 Well there are guys at work but I don’t want them being weirded out by me if I ask if their single. Other than that , work is the only place I talk to guys in real life.
winny Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 guys on OLD sites mass message girls. For a while i did not have a picture on my OLD profile. still I would get messages like - you are cute, you have nice eyes.. etc etc... so do not take their initial messages to be true. they just copy paste same message to bunch of women and see who responds. 2
Maddie82 Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 From my perspective here, I think OLD is no good for you. It's bringing you down. Take a step back from it and have a break. Don't do it for a while and concentrate on yourself. Build your self esteem and confidence. Go out with friends and meet guys in person. Have fun. Go shopping and treat yourself to things that make you look and feel good. There are allot of men online just looking for hook ups and that is no reflection on you. Learn not to care about what they say because they don't even know you. To me you sound like a good person with a big heart. You have allot to offer in a relationship and you need to give someone the chance to spend some time with you and get to know you. There are good guys out there. Don't let those mean losers get you down. You're worth so much more than them x
stillafool Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 If you think guys only message you because you have large breasts, cover them up with a nice top and don't show cleavage. See if that makes a difference. Maybe play up your eyes or something to distract from your chest. I would agree any guy commenting on large breasts is only interested in one thing.
SumGuy Posted September 17, 2019 Posted September 17, 2019 I’m a 23 year old woman and I’ll go on dating sites like MeetMe or okcupid and talk to guys. Some of them I talked to for a few weeks or off and on for a few months but didn’t meet cause they were looking for something casual and I wanted a relationship but anyway some guys would message me telling me I’m really cute and pretty and make me feel good about myself since I still get called ugly or treated as such as an adult sometimes so it made me feel good when some guys messaged me and complimented me and told me I was pretty but then later on when I asked them if they meant the compliments or if they actually think I’m pretty. they will tell me that no they didn’t mean it at all and that they actually find me unattractive. These guys acted sexual too but I never rejected them or had sex with them or met up with them but I would just let them tell me I’m pretty and how beautiful I am and they would sometimes even say they want to meet me and then later tell me that honestly they don’t find me attractive and “good luck on finding a nice guy” and some of the same guys that made me feel good about myself randomly start insulting me saying hurtful out of the blue when I didn’t reject them or sleep with them or nothing. First you are doing the right thing by not sleeping with them. Second these guys are all a**holes if not far worse. What they are doing to you is called "negging" as in give her compliments then make a negative one that makes her question herself so she will give in to sleep with you to "recover" her self worth. Better yet if they say "its just a joke." Totally disgusting. There are whole on-line communities, sites and coaches dedicated to this in the PUA (pick up artist) community. It is part of the PUA "game." It is as disgusting as it sounds. So not surprising you are seeing the same over and over. To arm yourself you may want to check out that part of the internet, anonymously of course, don't start posting or registering or anything. You know what it tells me? That you are attractive and these guys feel you are out of their league. If that is any consolation.
preraph Posted September 17, 2019 Posted September 17, 2019 If you are putting up cleavage shots or other on OLD, stop that right now because something you are doing is attracting some guys who think it's going to be a fast easy hookup, and posting seminude pics sends that message loud and clear. Second, be sure you're not omitting part of your body (in clothes) and that you have up a current photo taken in the last couple of months of a long shot of you in your clothes, showing the proportions of your body (plus a nice face shot -- and don't photoshop anything!) Because I'm getting the idea you do not look accurate in person to your photos at all. No reason for you to feel so ugly or whatever. If you were ugly the guys wouldn't even be talking to you. I know you said your photos match but I bet they don't. I bet you're hiding your butt or stomach or something. Put the real you up there so you'll get someone who thinks that is attractive. And beyond whether you look at your photo, just this post alone makes me think you are maybe a bit over the top in person, too available, too emotional, maybe sharing too much personal stuff, or that you come off too needy. You're doing something to scare guys off, being too intense or something. Your goal on a first and second date (really any date) is to be entertaining and fun personality-wise. No, you don't have sex with someone in their car. You walk out on that just like you did. But your goal should just be to be light and fun and easy to get along with and chitchatty but not going into all your problems or your past or anything real personal. A date should be fun, not a confessional.
spiderowl Posted September 17, 2019 Posted September 17, 2019 (edited) Guys do not always give compliments on dates. It does not mean they are not attracted, it is just the way some are. If they ask for a second date, you know they are interested. The way you talk, I am getting the impression you feel you have to almost push these guys into dating you. You talk about them 'agreeing' to a date or 'agreeing to see you again' as if you are not worth seeing and have to persuade them. It doesn't matter what you look like, you do not have to persuade them to date you. Just be your friendly self and assume they will want to date you. I suspect that in your whole demeanour and the words you use with these guys, you are giving them the impression you are unworthy of them. This is the impression you are giving them; it is not based on fact. If you ask them if you are pretty, they will be embarrassed. You don't need to ask them anything like that, just assume you are attractive to them. Assume they will want another date with you if you get on well. Assume they will enjoy your company without sex. You owe them nothing. Dates are about getting to know a guy not giving him sex in the hope that he will see you again. This problem is in your head. You are convinced that you are unattractive and that you need to 'persuade' guys to date you. You are convinced you must give them sex or they will not want to see you again. This is all false (except for a few guys whose intentions are only to find a woman for sex). I do think you need to see a therapist to have someone help you look at your self-esteem and why you feel you are not worthy of anyone's attention. Ironically, thinking this way is driving you to seek more attention and reassurance than most women would need so this is probably putting guys off. They can sense you are going to need constant reassurance and are focused on how you look and whether you are good enough for them. They simply don't know how to handle that. They just want to meet a normal girl who is fun to be with and is not afraid to reject them if they behave out of order. Let's look at some of your worries: I am not pretty/attractive - assume you are attractive and interesting and stop worrying about how many pics/videos or whatever you are showing. You have more than enough pics to give them an idea of your looks. I am not worthy of a date - assume they will want to date you, not that you need to ask them. Wait for them to ask you and then think about how they are treating you before you accept. You might find if you turn a few guys down, the ones who do approach you are more respectful. I have been rejected in the past - do not tell guys this. It is not relevant to them. If you start saying things like this, you are effectively saying 'guys treat me badly and I bet you are likely to do that too'. It makes them feel they have to live up to some sort of ideal. It also makes them afraid to move forward in case it does not work out and you accuse them of rejecting you later. It is also another way of telling them that you do not feel worthy of dates and being loved. I have to have sex for a guy to want to see me again - this is not true. It is more intriguing for a guy to wonder what it would be like to have sex with you. If you rush into it in the first few dates, he will think you are not choosy (and therefore that he is not special to you but could be any guy), and the intrigue disappears and that is part of the fun of dating. The longer he has to get to know you without sex, but maybe with a kiss, the more attached he is likely to be anyway. I can only say that you appear to have everything back to front. There are all sorts of people out there with a variety of looks who have found partners. Focusing on looks is pointless and obsessive. You can offer a guy good conversation, fun, good company. You do not have to offer him sex to have a date. Never ask for a date, let him ask. Assume you are that prized girl you most admire and think how would she behave with a guy? Would she ask him for a date? Would she expect to have to be sexual with him straightaway? No, she would be herself and let him spoil her with dates and company until she felt he was the right guy to share her body with. You can think like that too. See what a difference it makes to you. Edited September 17, 2019 by spiderowl 1
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