Guys will compliment me then be mean later and tell me they never meant it?

[stillafool]

I'm not understanding why you need a guy to compliment your looks. It's obvious they found you attractive that is why they asked you out. Why do you need your looks validated by them? Also telling them "remember you said you would hug me?" Is coming off a little needy too soon IMHO.

[chillii]

l thought that was cute myself , it'd only make me a bit weird if she was nothing like her pics and l didn't wanna hug her.

 

Anyway , personally l would rarely if ever compliment someone l'd just met on looks, might say she looks really nice as in a dress sense but from a looks point of view , l dunno. l'm a bit wait and see'ish like that. . l'd wanna see the person first, nice person nice looks, ugly person forget the looks.

Or somem like that.

[JuneL]

I experimented with OLD for 3 short weeks; chatted with a bunch of guys online and met a few in person. Omg, I don’t understand why every single one of them felt the need to compliment me on my looks, both online and offline. Some of them made me a little uneasy, to be honest. Hearing a stranger commenting on my looks (even positively) made me feel a little like an object Like a previous poster mentioned, the guy must find you attractive to ask you out, no? I also like how another poster would compliment on how the girl looks nice in her outfit, instead of saying “You’re pretty/cute/beautiful.”

[OatsAndHall]

I can't really comment on why guys are ghosting you or ditching you but, IMO, complimenting a woman on a first date can be a Catch-22 for a guy. Some women enjoy a simple compliment while it seems to make others uncomfortable. I've been on dates where an innocuous "You look wonderful tonight" has made a woman visibly uncomfortable. My eyes weren't "wandering" in a manner that would spook them either. I will always toss out that compliment as there's no harm in it and I feel that it's polite but I rarely go above and beyond that on a first date.

 

 

 

I was out with a woman once and we were having a good time; conversation was flowing well, we were both laughing and all aspects were just fun. About a halfway through the date she referred to me as "cute" and I told her that her profile pictures didn't do her justice. Conversation pretty much came to a screaming halt and the date floundered after. I couldn't get the conversation back on track and it died a quick death as she called off things early. I was ghosted quickly after that and I can only assume that it was the compliment that set her off some how.

[JuneL]

I can't really comment on why guys are ghosting you or ditching you but, IMO, complimenting a woman on a first date can be a Catch-22 for a guy.

 

In this case, you’re criticizing her pictures She’s probably anxious to go home and retake her photos!

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[OatsAndHall]

In this case, you’re criticizing her pictures She’s probably anxious to go home and retake her photos!

 

 

Apparently... I figured that was a more cordial compliment than "you're hot" (cue Beavis and Butthead laughter".)

[Veronica73]

I don’t think it’s necessarily bad if a guy doesn’t complement your looks when your first meet. I do think it is probably unattractive to ask a guy if you are pretty or something like that on a first meet. Or ask him why he didn’t hug you. Personally, hugging when very first meeting someone feels too forward to me. Although if the date was pleasant...at the end of the date I’m okay with it. Again, I wouldn’t ask them why they didn’t hug me. Also... you can initiate a hug too.

[JuneL]

Omg, I just read that you actually asked the guys if you’re pretty?! That’s beyond needy, tbh. I mean, what did you expect them to say in case they didn’t find you pretty That may explain why some of them cut the date short.

[Trail Blazer]

I must admit that I did say to my current girlfriend on our first date, "you look more beautiful in real life even in your pics." I think she appreciated the comment. She did admit that she only used plain, head shots, no make up and definitely no Snapchat filters. She didn't want to attract jerks or give them the wrong impression.

 

When she dolled herself up for our first date she genuinely looked stunning. Would I say to any girl I dated on the first date that she was pretty? No, not necessarily. It shouldn't be something that you need to be told. As others have said, if a guy is on a date with you, it's fair to assume there's a base level of attraction there.

[Alugo6340]

I understand.

Edited May 3, 2019 by Alugo6340

[Alugo6340]

I'm not replying to you Trail Blazer lol, I meant to reply to June or whoever the person was before you lol but it took me to the next page but I understand what your saying Trail Blazer. Well I DID post recent body pics and video chatted with them and even had some no makeup pics on there. I showed everyone I know irl who is honest with me what they thought of my pics and ALL of them said I look just like my pictures so I could only assume these guys didn't find me attractive even before going on a date with me am I right? Lol anyway sarcasm aside, I see what you mean by asking them looks needy. I won't ask anymore and I still need to learn more about dating I geuss and what's appropriate and working on my confidence before putting myself out there. I think me asking these guys could MAKE me look unattractive by asking those "am I pretty? " questions which I didn't realize how bad it sounded til I thought about it in this post. I think these guys are ditching me early in the date because either I'm scaring them away by my insecurities or cause they think I'm boring or weird or something lol but NOT cause of how I look cause everyone that knows me irl tells me I look the same.

Edited May 3, 2019 by Alugo6340

[Alugo6340]

Omg, I just read that you actually asked the guys if you’re pretty?! That’s beyond needy, tbh. I mean, what did you expect them to say in case they didn’t find you pretty That may explain why some of them cut the date short.

 

 

Well I DID post recent body pics and video chatted with them and even had some no makeup pics on there. I showed everyone I know irl who is honest with me what they thought of my pics and ALL of them said I look just like my pictures so I could only assume these guys didn't find me attractive even before going on a date with me am I right? Lol anyway sarcasm aside, I see what you mean by asking them looks needy. I won't ask anymore and I still need to learn more about dating I geuss and what's appropriate and working on my confidence before putting myself out there. I think me asking these guys could MAKE me look unattractive by asking those "am I pretty? " questions which I didn't realize how bad it sounded til I thought about it in this post. I think these guys are ditching me early in the date because either I'm scaring them away by my insecurities or cause they think I'm boring or weird or something lol but NOT cause of how I look cause everyone that knows me irl tells me I look the same.

[preraph]

Some people are shy about complimenting and talking in person plus awkward the first time, too, and forget to do things. It's certainly not a requisite. "You look nice" seems like all a person needs to say.

[RecentChange]

Honestly?

 

My guess from what you have described is your neediness is coming through.

 

You talk about how they didn’t hug you at first sight, or compliment you...

 

But how were the conversations? Personality? How did you CONNECT with them? What in the world went so terribly that guys have straight up walked out on you?

 

Because despite what some say, beauty is more than skin deep. Attraction is more complicated than just a body.

 

I never expect compliments, heck honesty it took me quite a while to get used to them and accept them graciously, rather than object “oh I am not that pretty” or worse just assume that they were given out of pitty.

 

I do however pride myself on my conversation skills. Being able to talk to people and connect with them. And in my experience that can make “pretty” down right gorgeous in some guys eyes. I have gotten a few marriage proposals after a great discussion (ha!)

 

So my advice, don’t let your insecurity dictate what you say to guys. Asking why they didn’t compliment or hug you is beyond awkward. If your goal was to make them extremely uncomfortable I am sure you succeeded.

 

A date should be about getting to know each other. Not analyzing him to see if he said just the right thing etc to boost your confidence.

[Alugo6340]

Is it possible to look completely different in real life compared to when yo video chatting and recent full body pics? Just wondering, I haven’t been told I look different in real life but sometimes I fear it just cause of being ditched more than once on first meets early on like 20 to 40 minutes after meeting in person despite video chatting more than once and recent pics before that.

[basil67]

Again, I think it's your neediness coming through rather than issues with your appearance.

[Veronica73]

I think it is possible to look different in pics than in real life. I only tried OLD for about 3 weeks, but I made sure to not put the greatest photos of myself on my profile. And I included a no-makeup one (and no filters).

 

I mean, even if you aren’t purposely being fake, the focal length of the lense and how close you are to the camera and the angle the photo is taken at can make a big difference in how you look.

 

But who knows why these guys took off mid-date. If they did it because they were disappointed in your appearance, be glad to be rid of them.

[Alugo6340]

I put many no makeup pics up on my dating profile cause I don’t wear makeup and these guys seem to be ok with that and when I meet them in person, I’m still not wearing makeup. I also take my pics further away instead of at arm’s length so I’ll put a timer on my phone and stand back and take a pic so it includes a clear pic of my face and body and that’s how all my pics are, there’s no close up selfies or selfies held at arm length so if I do all that is it still possible to look different in real life? What about different in real life compared to how I look on video chat? People who know me irl have told me I look the same as my pics so I don’t know.

[Veronica73]

I’d guess if the phone is far enough away that you can get a full body shot, then it is much more likely to look like you really look. Those selfies taken an arms length away can be deceiving. (But I’m not a photographer). And I don’t do video chat, so I can’t answer that. Based on what you have said I doubt the problem is your appearance.

[snowcones]

I think he has to say some kind of compliment. If he doesn't, then yes it's bad. He's either not feeling attracted enough to me or he's too restrained for me. Just my feeling.

[frus69]

The only way to know why those guys took off, is to ask them, not us. We don't know if you look like your photos unless you post them here. We don't know if you sound needy. Or maybe you have bad smell? Who knows.

 

Why not politely send them a message and ask what happened.

[Foxhall]

I suppose it falls under the general situation that meeting in person is quite different than online chat,

 

 

I know when I am on a first date, I am more focused on building rapport and seeing how we gel in a conversational sense,

 

 

I would say most guys generally will want to complement their dates appearance, the ones that do not, it is almost certainly down to nerves and shyness in person,

 

 

usually if you become more relaxed in conversation and click as such, then the guy will feel more confident to complement your appearance,

 

 

so in that way it is also linked to the connection you have or do not have.

If you observe some of the first date tv shows, sometimes the guy compliments at the start, sometimes he waits until midway through the date, if he feels there is chemistry,

 

 

and then the other scenario, he does not compliment at the start, there is no chemistry on the date, and in this case it is unlikely he will compliment.

 

 

It can be a nationality thing too, I was speaking to my Hungarian friend one day, she says as a general observation European guys are more natural at complimenting where as Irish or British guys tend to be on the shyer side,(lol I am sure there are exceptions-nothing is an absolute!)

Edited May 4, 2019 by Foxhall

[salparadise]

I put many no makeup pics up on my dating profile cause I don’t wear makeup and these guys seem to be ok with that and when I meet them in person, I’m still not wearing makeup. I also take my pics further away instead of at arm’s length so I’ll put a timer on my phone and stand back and take a pic so it includes a clear pic of my face and body and that’s how all my pics are, there’s no close up selfies or selfies held at arm length so if I do all that is it still possible to look different in real life? What about different in real life compared to how I look on video chat? People who know me irl have told me I look the same as my pics so I don’t know.

 

You are clearly fixated on your looks and pics, as if that's all that matters. And your focus is all inward, insecure. As in, am I good enough?

 

Here's the deal... you are inherently worthy. You should not need, nor should you be seeking external validation... much less promoting visible sexuality as your primary asset. If you can learn to integrate and assume that you are absolutely worthy, both in terms of attractiveness and independently of that, then you can start focusing outwardly and engage with the world in a positive way.

 

My suggestion is to make an appointment with a counselor/therapist with the goal of learning to consider yourself inherently worthy, and quit thinking that physical beauty is the be-all, end-all in terms of self-esteem and social interaction.

 

It's a tall, tall order, but I am positive that shifting your focus from inward to outward will change your life.

[d0nnivain]

The idea that you have actually asked men on these dates if you are pretty or asked why they didn't hug you after they said they would is troublesome. Your behavior in doing that is causing them to ghost you. It has nothing to do with your looks & everything to do with how you behave.

 

You are doing right by posting full body pictures & meeting relatively quickly. What you are doing wrong is having long 1st meets. Assume those meets will be an hour tops. You be ready to leave at the end of the hour. These 1st meets are not lingering gaze into each other's eyes, 4-5 hour dates. Adjust your expectations. These are high intensity, low commitment, meet ups to size up whether the person is worth spending more time with. The only thing you need to be assessing at the 1st meet is whether you want to spend a whole evening with the person at the next date & possibly whether you want to kiss them goodnight. That's it.

 

You want to be intriguing. This isn't not a spill your guts, highlight every insecurity you ever had therapy sessions. You want to breeze in there, be beautiful & alluring but leave him wanting more.

 

As for the guys who are only looking for easy sex, you need a better filter. When they talk about sex before the 1st meet, shut it down. Don't even bother to meet them. If they raise the subject, they are not gentlemen. Even if they say they are fine with waiting, they are lying. Understand this when you go on dating sites in an effort to arrange dates, everybody knows that sex is in the equation somewhere down the line. Anybody who feels the need to verbalize that unspoken future action is not somebody you want to waste your time with.

[Alugo6340]

So I met like 14 guys on dating sites so far. If you read my other posts, I would ask these guys if they found me attractive in person and feel upset if they didn’t compliment me in person like they did before we met.

 

I asked some guys and a year or a few months later they message me to see how I’m doing and when I asked them if I looked attractive in person, one guy said avoided that question then admitted he was avoiding it then said “I didn’t find you unattractive “ but he didn’t say attractive either, despite saying yes I was cute in person but he wasn’t feeling it. He also took off after 20 minutes of talking and he was gonna meet my dad but he ended up meeting him earlier than expected cause my dad dropped by unexpectedly and later he admitted it scared him off to meet my dad and that I lived further than he thought so that’s why he left the date so early and anyway we were gonna do sexual things which I didn’t want previously but I agreed cause I want him to like me so I said yes but then that happened and he made excuses not to see me again.

 

Other guys I asked if I was pretty in person cause I didn’t want to feel like catfish, I’ve gotten answers such as “I believe you are” to “Well I kissed you didn’t I?” and some said they liked my personality more than my looks but still thought I was attractive. I was asking the guys that left earlier and didn’t want to see me again. I video chatted with these guys, I’ve asked people who know me in person if I look like my pics and they all say yes. I don’t use filters of any kind, I post recent full body pics , I video chat with these guys and they all say I’m cute but when we meet, this happens.

 

Not every guy did this cause a few I dated for a bit like went on 10 dates with but most of them I couldn’t get past 1 date . One rude guy that was my first kiss from a dating site told me He liked my personality more than my looks but I was still cute but when he saw pics of me a few years later , he said I was beautiful but that I would be gorgeous if I got to a size zero and straighten and grew my hair long and that I would look gorgeous if I tried. He told me he would tell his ex to lose weight too cause she thin and beautiful according to him and yea they were apparently verbally abusive to each other.

 

Another guy told me after I was upset one day after I said “why do you want me? There are are prettier girls than me? Are u only talking to me cause you feel you can’t get them?” He said “I can get girls prettier than you so I’m not desperate but I want you” .

 

Another guy who told me I owed him a blow job and talked me into a blow job on the first meet when I was trying to back out, he told me I did a good job with the performance but then he promises he will give me a second date cause I did a “good job” but then he blocks me, a few weeks later I find him on a dating site and I ask him what happened and he said “it’s just a lot of work trying to convince you I liked you so we won’t work out but you did a good job” then I asked “so it had nothing to do with my looks?” He said “not really “ so that kind of made me insecure but I asked him if he meant what he said when he said I looked better in person and pretty but in person of course I asked him if I looked good so I’m not sure but he told me he meant it.

 

 

I did have a few other guys that I met off a dating site that actually did think I’m pretty and not some catfish and one guy said I was gorgeous in person and that I do look like my pics. I don’t know I wouldn’t be this insecure about my looks if guys didn’t flake on me. I’m a big girl but these guys tell me they like big girls and one showed me his ex and she was like 200 pounds like me but she had a more masculine face and short hair cut like guy’s and he’s gonna get back with her and he was with her for a year after they met off a dating site and this same guy leaves me during mid date and says I’m not “unattractive “ but wouldn’t say I was attractive eighter but before said I was cute in person but it wasn’t feeling right and my dad scared him off cause he didn’t want to get caught doing sexual things.

 

I just don’t know what to do, how would you ladies feel if guys gave you these answers? Are they giving me these answers or avoiding my question cause I’ve asked them multiple times and they got tired of telling me I’m still cute so that’s why they say “If you think it’s your looks then fine “ or other answers? Or are they just abusive jerks who were attracted to my low self esteem?

 

A couple of these guys told me I should put out more but they weren’t mad at me. All my pics are recent and I facetime them so how can I look different in person? Guys don’t approach me in real life and I’ve only been asked out a few times as a joke in middle school and a guy from high school who never talked to me in class til after going on facebook after graduation then he wanted to be friends with benefits cause he told me I was cute but he was shy and that he had sexual fantasies about me and asks for nudes from me but I didn’t have sex with him but we fooled around a few times and he refuses to take me anywhere public and he only sees me for 40 minutes to an hour after we makeout and stuff .

 

I did have a guy one time at the store tell me I was gorgeous and kissed my hand and asked me if we can talk outside but I wasn’t used to that so I said no.

 

I had another guy in his early 20s ask me out but he was a sign flipper and his friend was across the street so I felt he was asking me out as a joke but all this makes me not want to lose weight cause what’s the point if your ugly right?

 

I don’t think I’m ugly , I think I have a pretty face but I’m fat but I can’t see what these guys are seeing . How do I handle this or think of this? My own mother and her 40 something year old friends would talk about naturally pretty girls then tell me I’m one of those girls that need makeup but I’m fine without makeup or I think I look good without and all those guys seen me without makeup in my pics and in person and the few times I did wear makeup on my date , it still didn’t work out. I don’t know what to think.

Edited May 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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