Boyfriend's relationship with mother / family - is this weird?

[Gaeta]

His parents are up in his business constantly

 

 

I did not read his parents are up his business. I read that OP has a boyfriend that is emotionally dependant on her, it's at the very beginning of her story, THEN she complains that her boyfriend is also emotionally dependant of his parents. Why is she surprised?

[Maddie82]

Karliewhatyouwant, you sound jealous that he has such a good relationship with his family, probably because you don't with yours. You made a big spiel about how your family is rather fraught. His mother realized her mistake by her announcement and wanted to include you from now on. That's a nice thing of her to do. He's right that you were patronizing him. At the end of the day, if you ever made him chose between you and his family you know where his loyalties lie, and that's not with you. You either learn to live with it or walk away now and do him a favor.

[kendahke]

That’s not normal.

 

To you, but then again, you come from a family with fighting dysfunction, so you really don't have a grounded view on what Gaeta is talking about. Your view is skewed by your upbringing experience, which isn't the norm. In fact, it seems you are jealous, threatened and triggered by people who have close ties to their families.

[Calmandfocused]

I think there is a huge difference between what Gaeta and the op is describing.

 

Gaeta is saying that she’s very close to her daughter. Shes not saying that she enters her daughters bedroom when her daughter’s partner/ husband etc is in the nude. Nor is Geata saying that she gets in bed with her daughter or interferes in her daughters relationships.

 

It’s like comparing apples and oranges. It’s not the same.

 

The boyfriend or his parents do not understand boundaries and mentally her boyfriend is still a child.

 

I don’t think the op is jealous. I think she’s grossed out.

[preraph]

There's lots of parents who don't like to hear that their job is to make adults out of them, not keep them acting like babies and telling them everything and letting them run their lives.

[spiderowl]

I can see that as your relationship with your parents was quite formal and unemotional, a close family would seem alien to you. I found the same thing with my ex's family, they were very physical (lots of cuddles and hugs) whereas my family hardly touched each other.

 

However, although your partner might quietly talk to his mum about his relationship with you (to get motherly advice) he should not actually bring her into discussions with you. Bringing her in in the morning like that is really going too far. It is an invasion of your privacy. I can see why you were angry. They both stepped over a line there. He needs to discuss his problems with you directly, not drag a third person in to arbitrate or make decisions.

 

I think you need to have a talk with him about how his family is too involved in your relationship. You can say you understand they mean a lot to him but there is a line between his relationship with them and his relationship with you. You can expect privacy and respect from him. If he is not happy with this, then you really need to decide whether you can continue with him. He is likely to keep falling into similar traps, even if he decides not to bring his mum into your private discussions.

 

His mum should not be coming along and talking to you with him. This must feel very threatening to you, like it is you against THEM. He is not a child any more and she needs to accept that he has to deal with his own relationship problems.

 

I think you have good grounds to have a discussion with him about where to draw this line, as he does not seem to have thought of it himself first. I have a feeling though that similar things will keep cropping up and you will find it hard to contain your feelings about this. You may well be better off leaving this relationship to find a more grown-up one.

[Beendaredonedat]

Karliewhatyouwant, you sound jealous that he has such a good relationship with his family, probably because you don't with yours.

I disagree. She doesn't sound jealous but rather disturbed about the lack of boundaries and the lack of backbone her b/f has displayed.

 

You made a big spiel about how your family is rather fraught. His mother realized her mistake by her announcement and wanted to include you from now on.

She should have apologized and said that she would let them live their life without interfering but hoped that they could do family vacations together occasionally and wait to be asked to join. I am very close to my daughter as well but I would NEVER interfere in her life like this mother does. We do go on vacation ocassionally with her and the SIL and the grandkids but we do not impose... we go when we have been INVITED.

 

That's a nice thing of her to do.

I don't think it was "nice" is was necessary since she overstepped her boundaries.

 

He's right that you were patronizing him.

I also disagree. She was communicating with him something that bothered her and he turned it around on her.

 

At the end of the day, if you ever made him chose between you and his family you know where his loyalties lie, and that's not with you.

This I agree with and its a very huge flag for you to analyse and figure out if you are really with the right man for you, op.

 

You either learn to live with it or walk away now and do him a favor.

IF she walks away I say she'd be doing herself a favor.

[Gaeta]

For example, they see each other very often, they never have arguments or fights, no mutual kind of teasing or banter, they seem to constantly live in a bit of a mutual appreciation

These families exist. There are families that genuinely get along and respect each other. I find it disturbing that this description falls in what you cannot live with long term.

 

For example, they have a tradition of the children getting into bed with the parents to open presents at Christmas.

Ok, that's unusual. I would classify it as eccentric. This is a little hippy. It's not bad, weird, it's different.

 

Both son and daughter seem to be Molly coddled by the parents, told how brilliant they are. Again, this is completely different to my own family experience - I was often brought crashing back to reality by my strict parents. It just wasn't in our culture / family's nature to suck up to children like this.

It's not because it's different that it's automatically bad or weird. Most parents elevate their children and give them compliments. You should be happy he was raised in a loving family and not kicked in the head at every opportunity like you were raised. If this boyfriend and you plan on having a family this issue needs to be disected. I imagine you'd want to raise your children the hard way and he'd want to raise them in the same loving environment he was brought up in. I don't see how you can make parenting together work.

 

The family are constantly meeting up for gathering that take up whole weekends for 'team building' things that I cringe at - think escape rooms / crystal mazes and everything self-congratulatory. Basically, the family dynamic as a whole feels kind of childish. They just do not seem to live in the real world.

That's what happy and close knitted family do, spend time together. Some families enjoy trips together, others golf together, others do camping together. His family enjoys crystal mazes (what ever that is). Their positive outlook on life and 'joie de vivre' seems to give you nausea, and you seem to be put off by any life style that isn't yours. When we're not open minded and not open to differences we stick within the people with same life style.

 

The relationship between my boyfriend and his mother, however, has really concerned me. By each of their own admission, and they almost pride themselves for it, they are exceptionally co-dependent on one another. They are constantly texting / whatsapping, whether it is in the family groups or one to one. They frequently go on holidays / trips just the two of them. He seems to satisfy a lot of her emotional needs, whereas he will go to her when he is upset / stressed / needs to offload rather than me, because he thinks I am too rational, logical and solutions oriented.

You said yourself at the beginning of your post that your boyfriend was extremely needy and emotionally dependant, why are you surprised that such a man be close to his mother? You should be releived he does this with his mother, he could be doing it with a female friend. He finds in her something he cannot find in you, and you know it. You cannot give him the kind of emotional support he needs, he gets it from her. You be better with a man that is not emotionally needy.

 

I think she had a serious health scare some years ago and I can see why their relationship has potentially strengthened.

Yes it does that. You cannot make it go away. My daughter needs to speak to me several times a day since her father died 6 years ago. Her father died suddenly with no warning, she lives in fear she'll lose me too. My boyfriend understands that and instead of imposing on me his views he accepts our dynamic and doesn't interferes. The way I see it you can see why he's like this with his mother you just cannot accept it.

 

However, things came to a head recently where we went for a meal with his entire family and she announced to me over dinner that she was taking her son away for New Year's Eve this year.

Was that a surprise to your boyfriend as well? or he already knew when his mother announced it to you?

 

I woke up late and then saw he wasn't there. He came upstairs a few minutes later with his mother and they both sat down on the bed (while I was in the bed with no clothes on) and said they'd had a discussion about the holiday plans and had a big heart to heart about his feeling like he has to pick and choose between me and his mother.

like I said they're hippies, if they open xmas gifts in bed with their grown children why are you surprised they don't see anything wrong with bardging in your room while you're still in bed, this is not an additional problem, this is the same and only problem...they are happy going hippies. Your life style and philosophy of life is too different for it to work long term. It works for some couples but they have to be open minded, and have the gift to laugh at things instead of being frustrated by them.

 

He told me later that his mother had given him advice on how to handle me being a very rational / unemotional person etc and that they had come to a 'compromise' that they would either go on new years' day or they'd go later in the year during a week that coincides with my 30th birthday. The mother then said to me that she felt she needed to involve me in these plans "now that he's yours". He also told me that he'd spend the morning crying with her because of the stress of the situation. These types of conversations between them are not uncommon at all, and he leans on her as an emotional rock enormously.

You're lucky she accepts you while you are completely different than all of them. She could easily pressure your boyfriend to drop you, you don't fit in their world, their plans, their way of life. In their house you're the weird one. What I am reading here are people that communicated together, compromised, to have you fit in. I read a lot of love and concern on their part for you. You don't see it that way, instead of seeing the good intention you turn it into something dirty and negative.

 

I do love him, but I cannot imagine having to be this involved with his family during our relationship.

Then break up. He's 28, this way of life has its roots deep into him. Couples that have too different background don't work long term.

 

I want the closeness and happy clappy family stuff to be strongly dialled back .

I think you need to meet a man that comes from a similar background as you. I have never once come across someone wishing her mate's family wasn't so happy.

 

 

 

 

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Edited September 18, 2019 by Gaeta

[MsJayne]

I say run from this Oedipal weirdo. I once lived with a guy who was like this with his mummy, and whenever he was around her he would start sucking his thumb. Yes, you heard right, sucking his thumb, at 26 years old. It was bizarre. A guy who loves his mother is great, but a guy who worships his mother is maladjusted.

[Maddie82]

I want the closeness and happy clappy family stuff to be strongly dialled back and for the focus to be on our relationship - I do not want to be in a relationship with his family and this has got to stop.

 

This is quite insulting of you. This is not your call and it is not going to happen. You do not control him or his family. If you start demanding this, your relationship will be over. Like i said, either learn to live with it or walk away.

[Gaeta]

You’re way better off ending it and allowing him to understand fully that he will never have roomfor a significant woman in his life as long as his momma is playing the role of intimacy and emotional bonding for him.

I totally agree with you she should end this relationship but for different reasons. We all need emotional bonding and emotional intimacy (at different level) and OP doesn't have it to offer (at his level). I am sure at 99% if OP was a nurturing woman her bf would have slowly moved from his mother to her. If he cuts his emotional connection to his mother OP will leave him dry, she has explained clearly enough that she's more on the cold side when it comes to emotions.

 

OP is the way she is, her bf is at the opposite end, this cannot be reconciled. If they remain together both will feel they're losing something.

 

 

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[Ruby Slippers]

I am sure at 99% if OP was a nurturing woman her bf would have slowly moved from his mother to her.

It doesn't work like that. I'm very nurturing and sweet.

 

These overbearing mothers have a way of getting their hooks in for life. Years ago I was with a man whose needy mother threw a fit and a huge guilt trip because he told her he wanted to spend his birthday with me in the city where we lived, instead of driving 3 1/2 hours to spend it with her. He was mid-20s and she was around 60, completely against the idea of her grown son choosing to spend HIS birthday with his girlfriend instead of her. In that case, he set the boundary and didn't let her cross it. Subsequently she flung all kinds of drama and guilt at him, which he didn't deserve.

 

Until a man makes up his mind to set some boundaries and be a grown-up, he remains what Dave Ramsey calls "an ineligible bachelor" - not available to bond with a romantic partner.

 

These parents are doing their kids and themselves a disservice, putting big hurdles in the way of them marrying and having families of their own.

[Gaeta]

Ruby: You have to be careful to not mix your story with hers. In this story here the son is fully participating to this co-dependency. His mother doesn't coerce him like in your story. Also when mother and son realized OP felt left out there was a compromise done, they came forward with a solution. OP is grossed out by their family dynamic, and should move on. This man will eventually meet a woman with a similar family dynamic and they can all spend xmas in the same bed.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've been involved with a few men with overbearing mothers and I recognize the patterns. I think it's very common these days, since there are so many absent or inadequate fathers. Instead of developing her own adult life and friendships, in these cases the mother usually leans on her kids too much, especially her sons.

 

In some cases, the man figures out it's an unhealthy dynamic and sets some boundaries. In some he remains trapped, stunted, and ineligible to have a healthy romantic relationship.

 

It doesn't matter how "nurturing" his romantic partner is. The man has to navigate the family dynamic and decide what kind of life he wants to have.

[preraph]

Who would WANT him to transfer all that weird crap over to her? That's not what you want. You want him to grow up and take charge and make boundaries and be an adult. You don't want him to treat you like his mother and expect you to BE his mother. That's insane. Ugh.

 

I say get out while you can. Once you have kids, you're stuck with them for life. They'll be sleeping with your kids, for God's sake!

[Veronica73]

The bed thing grosses me out. Icky I’d run. I don’t see this ever improving.

[Beendaredonedat]

These families exist. There are families that genuinely get along and respect each other. I find it disturbing that this description falls in what you cannot live with long term.

That is NOT what she can't live with long term... it is the intrusive, overly involvement and the lack of her b/f's backbone that has her posting here.

 

Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post

I am sure at 99% if OP was a nurturing woman her bf would have slowly moved from his mother to her.

The odds of that are very, very slim. without therapy for the codependency issues, the b/f will likely NEVER change his ways with his mother. It is also very likely that the minute she felt like she was losing control, the mother would up her efforts to keep the apron strings tied and start tying them even tighter.

 

Close families isn't unusual nor is it unnatural, what the Op has shared here certainly is both of those things.

Edited September 19, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[Lotsgoingon]

You are not dating this guy. This is not your exclusive bf.

 

In fact, you are part of a three-way relationship ... and he is dating two people, his mother and you. His mother claims him for New Year's and he doesn't run it past you ... They constantly text each other? ... Are you kidding me?

 

This isn't immature behavior ... This is borderline infantile behavior.

 

Run ... Your bf's mother is treating him like a bf, like a husband. The open codependent relationship ... that will never change. Get out! He turns to her and shares his struggles with her and not with you. Oh no ... sister, that ain't right. The New Year's thing ... I cannot get over that.

 

You will not have this guy as a priority. Mom will interfere, will block ... and be proud of it ... and if you object, you'll do a mind-eff ... by saying you don't appreciate what a close family is like.

 

Sounds like the family does do some fun activities ... But the mom and your bf ... that's borderline emotionally incestuous ... Get out. Yesterday.

 

Run! Something deeply dysfunctional is going on. If I'm dating someone, I understand I will deal with their family at some point ... But you are sharing him with his family. Nope!

 

Run. He and the mother are, to use a clinical term, "fused." No boundaries. Totally unhealthy. There are six-year-old kids who have a better and healthier relationship with their moms that this guy does.

 

If anything, you're a little slow to be feeling alarm. This is a major red flag warning you of a catastrophic problem ahead. Dump him. I can't imagine any woman with an ounce of self esteem who will be happy with this guy and his mom.

 

As they say in stores at closing time, "please begin to make your way towards the exits."

[anika99]

I totally agree with you she should end this relationship but for different reasons. We all need emotional bonding and emotional intimacy (at different level) and OP doesn't have it to offer (at his level). I am sure at 99% if OP was a nurturing woman her bf would have slowly moved from his mother to her. If he cuts his emotional connection to his mother OP will leave him dry, she has explained clearly enough that she's more on the cold side when it comes to emotions.

 

OP is the way she is, her bf is at the opposite end, this cannot be reconciled. If they remain together both will feel they're losing something.

 

 

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What an awful thing to say about the OP. I can't believe anyone doesn't see how twisted this mother/son dynamic is.

 

OP most of us understand what you are saying and see the problem. I actually used to attract guys with the opposite problem, in that their relationship with their birth family was very fractured. These guys had very limited contact, if any, with their parents. Due to their issues stemming from unresolved childhood problems these guys didn't make very good partners. I used to kind of like not having to put up with my boyfriend's family but overtime I learned that guys who have no relationship with their birth family usually have some big problems.

 

It's great when you meet a guy who has a healthy relationship with his mother. That's not this guy. This guy is one of those mommas boys who will always put his mother first and who will always be more emotionally bonded to his mother than he is to you. You said a couple of times that the mother's seems to get her emotional needs met by her son rather than her husband. That is sometimes called emotional incest. Look it up.

 

I have two adult sons and I love them dearly. I could never in a million years imagine behaving like this mother. My son's wouldn't put up with me being that involved in their relationships or their personal lives, and I say that with pride because it means I raised strong independent men who don't need their mommy to hold their hand through life. They love me and we share a bond, but their priority is their partners. One is married and one has a longterm gf. They make their plans with their significant others. If there is something I want to do with one of my sons alone or together with their spouse, they tell me they will get back to me after they have spoken with their partner and ensured that my plans don't conflict with anything their SO had planned. As it happens sometimes there is a conflict and my son(s) will simply tell me that and ask me to pick another time. There is no long emotional discussions, no crying, no going together with my son into his bedroom to talk to his partner who is still naked in the bed. How ridiculous!

 

I admit I did struggle a tiny bit when my oldest son got serious about his girlfriend (his now wife) and started to prioritize her over me. Since he was my oldest and first to get serious about a girl it was a new experience for me and I had to learn form it. When my youngest son did the same I was more prepared and more accepting. I realized that it is normal and healthy for boys to become independent men and to become bonded to their SO. I'm very proud of my sons for growing into mature men who are thoughtful and caring of their partners. They no I love them and that they can talk to me about anything which they do at times. But I have no business being involved their romantic relationship

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, even if he distances himself from his family (which is very unlikely) he will then be turning to you to supply the emotional closeness and support he evidently needs.

 

You have already expressed annoyance at how clingy and emotional he can be, and admit it has caused problems in your relationship. Be prepared for that to amplify when his primary source of attention and affection will be you.

 

What I see here is a relationship that will probably come to an end in the not-too-distant future. You two have very different personalities, world views and behavioral frameworks - and while opposites can attract, that isn't the case here. I don't see how this is ever going to work long-term without one of you drastically changing who you fundamentally are, which which almost surely cause a lot of resentment. You and he already judge each other for the way the other is and seem to have a lot of conflict.

 

So what would I do? I would step back and really ask yourself how compatible you and he actually are. It doesn't look like much of a match at all, in the end.

[Gaeta]

It's not because something isn't falling within your parameters that it has to be qualified as twisted, weird, sickening, and all the other adjectives I've read on here. It's different, it's not OP's cup of tea, she needs to end it. There are all types of relationships and connections in this world, you have people living in communes, you have polyamory, polygamy, all those demand a different type of emotional attachment. It's not weird, sickening, twisted, it's different.

 

There is so much judgement in this entire thread it's dis-harming. Go to Italy, single men stay with their mom till they marry and sometimes it's up to 45 + age. You wanna talk about mothers buttin in a man's personal relationships, you haven't seen anything yet. People have different emotional attachment and dynamic. It's different.

 

I would not date a man that stayed at his mother's till the age of 45, not because it's sickening or weird but because it doesn't fit with what I consider an independent man. OP doesn't want a boyfriend that text his mom 10 times a day, she needs to move on.

 

Speech over.

 

 

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[Big Aus]

Wow, a lot of posters derailing this thread with their own stories!

 

OP, I think you have very clearly identified the issues, and I can certainly see your dilemma.

To answer your question, no you're not wrong to think/feel this way.

 

You have a difficult choice to make.

You can go "all in". Embrace the weirdness, and become part of their whacky dysfunctional family. TBH it's probably not as hard as you might think.

OR, you can dump him.

 

In reality, I wouldn't worry too much about the family. The decision is really whether you want him, and want him the way he is.

Cos yes, it's weird, abnormal, and unhealthy. But he is never going to change.

Nope, never.

If he fears losing you, he might be able to moderate his behaviour. But he won't actually change, and will resent you for it.

 

Your biggest concern should be what happens when his mother is nolonger around.

If you can insert yourself into that weird dynamic, then maybe he will start to transfer some of his emotional dependency to you.

 

You need to be honest with yourself, about why you are with this guy to begin with.

I'm not being rude, I don't know you at all. But perhaps you're a strong personality, a leader, and you need somebody who's not also a strong personality?

 

Ultimately, only you can decide if you want to stay with him. Just understand he's not going to change, and his creepy family are part of the package.