Boyfriend's relationship with mother / family - is this weird?

[karliewhatyouwant]

Hey, I haven't posted on here in a while but lately I feel like I can't talk to any friends or family about the position I am in and how I feel and so I would appreciate any advice.

 

I've been in a relationship with a guy for almost 1.5 years. There have been a lot of fun times, I do love him and he is a lovely gentle person, although he can be exceptionally needy, intense and demands a lot from me emotionally. I am a very unemotional person, whereas he on the other hand is the complete opposite. Being at different ends of the spectrum has been a bit of a blessing and a curse since the start of our relationship.

 

Since our relationship began, I knew he was close to his family. They are very good people and I would never doubt that they have good intentions. However, I have recently been concerned by the closeness of the family and whether I can put up with this long term.

 

For example, they see each other very often, they never have arguments or fights, no mutual kind of teasing or banter, they seem to constantly live in a bit of a mutual appreciation bubble where they satisfy each others' emotional / intellectual needs. Since the start, I've felt uncomfortable at the dynamic - my own relationship with my family is not at all like this. I frequently fought with my siblings, had very strict parents who I always saw as authority figures. I lost one of my parents some years ago, but the relationship I have with my surviving parent is still to this day quite formal and not at all like a friendship. I am not particularly close with family, but I do have a relationship and see them, it's just more formal and distant.

 

There are some things about my boyfriend's relationship with the family that I initially laughed off but now they are starting to concern me. For example, they have a tradition of the children getting into bed with the parents to open presents at Christmas. Not normal at their age. I have witnessed this once while sitting on the floor and I just felt very uncomfortable. Both son and daughter seem to be Molly coddled by the parents, told how brilliant they are. Again, this is completely different to my own family experience - I was often brought crashing back to reality by my strict parents. It just wasn't in our culture / family's nature to suck up to children like this. The family are constantly meeting up for gathering that take up whole weekends for 'team building' things that I cringe at - think escape rooms / crystal mazes and everything self-congratulatory. Basically, the family dynamic as a whole feels kind of childish. They just do not seem to live in the real world. The parents don't really work (house was gifted to them) and so no mortgage etc to pay.

 

The relationship between my boyfriend and his mother, however, has really concerned me. By each of their own admission, and they almost pride themselves for it, they are exceptionally co-dependent on one another. They are constantly texting / whatsapping, whether it is in the family groups or one to one. They frequently go on holidays / trips just the two of them. He seems to satisfy a lot of her emotional needs, whereas he will go to her when he is upset / stressed / needs to offload rather than me, because he thinks I am too rational, logical and solutions oriented. I have let this go on without saying anything to him because I do not want to hurt him or tell him that I think the dynamic is inappropriate or strange. I think she had a serious health scare some years ago and I can see why their relationship has potentially strengthened.

 

However, things came to a head recently where we went for a meal with his entire family and she announced to me over dinner that she was taking her son away for New Year's Eve this year. I was a bit taken aback, as was he - he hadn't discussed this with me. I actually wasn't that bothered about the concept because I've been having some difficulties in recently that has led me to want to have some more alone time, but it resulted in a huge fight between me and my boyfriend later in the day because he felt like I was pressuring him to make a decision about the holidays (even though I said I was completely fine about them going away).

 

The next morning (we were staying at his parents' house), I woke up late and then saw he wasn't there. He came upstairs a few minutes later with his mother and they both sat down on the bed (while I was in the bed with no clothes on) and said they'd had a discussion about the holiday plans and had a big heart to heart about his feeling like he has to pick and choose between me and his mother. He told me later that his mother had given him advice on how to handle me being a very rational / unemotional person etc and that they had come to a 'compromise' that they would either go on new years' day or they'd go later in the year during a week that coincides with my 30th birthday. The mother then said to me that she felt she needed to involve me in these plans "now that he's yours". He also told me that he'd spend the morning crying with her because of the stress of the situation. These types of conversations between them are not uncommon at all, and he leans on her as an emotional rock enormously.

 

I feel utterly weirded out and uncomfortable that I am now being involved in this odd three-way relationship with his mother. I went home later that day and since then I have just been plain angry that he had been having intimate discussions with his mother about our relationship. Is it acceptable to be completely furious about this? I don't know what I feel apart from being totally weirded out by it. This guy is 28 years old and is running to mummy when things get too stressful or difficult. I don't know what to do without hurting his feelings. I do love him, but I cannot imagine having to be this involved with his family during our relationship.

 

I don't want to end our relationship because he is very special to me, but lately I am getting more and more put off by his emotional behaviour and the excessive reliance he has on his family. I am completely non-reliant on my family and the behaviour feels alien to me. I am often left feeling upset because he always tells me the only place he feels 'happy' and 'safe' is at his parents' house.

 

What do I do? I am at a complete loss because I don't want to lose him, but I want the closeness and happy clappy family stuff to be strongly dialled back and for the focus to be on our relationship - I do not want to be in a relationship with his family and this has got to stop.

Edited September 15, 2019 by karliewhatyouwant

[Beendaredonedat]

I do love him, but I cannot imagine having to be this involved with his family during our relationship.

Then you've answered your own question.

 

He won't change, he won't stop being a mommy's boy for you or anyone else and if you are one of the many people out there that go ahead and marry someone when you know perfectly well that you are so incompatible, then you will be adding to the high divorce rate in this world.

 

Loving someone is not enough to continue on with them when there is such a great divide in sensibilities.

 

Frankly, they sound like a horror movie where in the end they all converge on you and have you for dinner... as the main course not a guest.

 

What is the father like? Does he encourage this rampant codependency and dysfunction?

[stillafool]

They have a very close family structure and are co-dependent on each other. Every family is different and their's are extremely close. I imagine any woman he marries is going to have to fit in with them and like that type of support. Since you don't want to break up with him I would suggest you learn to live with it because they have been a family far longer than he's been your bf.

[karliewhatyouwant]

Then you've answered your own question.

 

He won't change, he won't stop being a mommy's boy for you or anyone else and if you are one of the many people out there that go ahead and marry someone when you know perfectly well that you are so incompatible, then you will be adding to the high divorce rate in this world.

 

Loving someone is not enough to continue on with them when there is such a great divide in sensibilities.

 

Frankly, they sound like a horror movie where in the end they all converge on you and have you for dinner... as the main course not a guest.

 

What is the father like? Does he encourage this rampant codependency and dysfunction?

 

He’s not as involved in it all. He’s a bit more distant and I get the feeling he does not satisfy the mother’s emotional needs hence why she turns to her son for that. But he certainly doesn’t call it out.

[Beendaredonedat]

I dunno but If I were you, whether I loved him or not, I would run. I would heal from the relationship and find a good guy with a family that wasn't a model for The Twilight Zone or Black Mirror.

 

Don't let your attachment to him make you ignore your gut and the red flags you clearly see flying.

[elaine567]

I could be wrong but I guess this is a cultural thing.

[Ruby Slippers]

I seem to attract mama's boys, not sure why. Every decent woman wants a strong, independent man with good boundaries with his family for a reason. When a guy is overly close to his mom, there are usually underlying issues that will plague his romantic relationship. Usually the father was deficient or absent, so the mom leans on the son too much for needs the father/her husband should be filling. You will pull attention and energy away from her - perfectly natural, but threatening to the overly dependent mother. So you can't win and you start to see your man as weak, which kills the attraction and romance.

 

One of the biggest red flags for me now is an overly close relationship with his mom.

 

I couldn't deal with this dynamic. I hope it works out for you.

[FMW]

I would be completely creeped out by his relationship with his family.

 

It's highly unlikely to change, so if you don't want to be a part of it, end it now. If you let it get as far as marriage and children, his family will be even more involved in your life.

 

Ending it now will hurt, but it will only hurt more the longer you wait.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wouldn't be creeped out but I would be annoyed by it. I'd also wonder what's gonna happen to him when he loses a parent! It sounds like he will crumble to pieces.

[karliewhatyouwant]

I wouldn't be creeped out but I would be annoyed by it. I'd also wonder what's gonna happen to him when he loses a parent! It sounds like he will crumble to pieces.

 

I said these exact words to him and he told me I was being patronising and projecting my own life experiences. I do really worry on a serious note what will happen when he does lose a parent.

[elaine567]

I'd also wonder what's gonna happen to him when he loses a parent! It sounds like he will crumble to pieces.

He'll be fine as his close family will step in to give him emotional support.

He is also coming from a strong position, a lot stronger than most

Edited September 15, 2019 by elaine567

[preraph]

Oh, Gawd. I can foresee all kinds of problems looming. I would be both creeped out and annoyed by this. Her sitting on the bed with you in it naked. HELLO!

 

Really, you cannot really grow up as long as you're still so involved with your parents that they're still, as you said, molly coddling you and calling the shots. I wonder, as have others, how he'll be with kids. I wonder if he'll be the other kid or if he'll just leave it to you and his mother to do everything and expect them to make the decisions. I know everyone will say he's had good role modeling so he'll know how to be a good parent, but let's not forget....

 

the job of the parent is not to keep their children acting like children but to teach them to be self-sustaining adults. In that regard, they have not succeeded. He sounds like a big baby.

[SugarLips72]

My family is close but a couple of things you mentioned is flat out weird.

 

I see my parents on major holidays and maybe once or twice a month. They live less than 30 min from me. I have their only grandkids so I do talk to my Mom every day by text.

 

I would not dump by S/O on NYE for mom.

 

We don’t open gifts I bed.

 

I don’t travel with them

 

If you stay with him, be prepared to take the backseat to his family. That would tick me off.

[justwhoiam]

she announced to me over dinner that she was taking her son away for New Year's Eve this year. I was a bit taken aback, as was he

This is all very simple. She didn't register that he has a girlfriend now, or didn't take it into full consideration. She can't do such surprises anymore, as if he was still single.

 

it resulted in a huge fight between me and my boyfriend later in the day because he felt like I was pressuring him to make a decision about the holidays (even though I said I was completely fine about them going away).

Pressuring? Letting them go? I would have asked: don't you want to spend New Year's Eve with me??! Also, we have a saying: whatever you do on New Year's Day (aka past midnight), you do it all year long. I would have said: "I guess you need to talk to your mother and tell her that she cannot decide about your time before asking you first, because you have a girlfriend now". You could have gone downstairs together to talk to her. You would have been the couple joining forces in front of the mother. Instead, you nagged, you argued and went to bed with nothing solved, rather an open conflict. The next morning he talked to the mother, and it ended up being them joining forces to talk to you. Now, that's twisted. Because a couple needs to support each other. A son leaves home and starts his own family. That's the whole point. Ties with the original family are fine, but not this level of complicity. Complicity should be in the couple.

 

What do I do?

I guess such incidents won't happen anymore, because she came to you and clearly said that she will ask you first. She needs to take a step back and let the son go live his life.

 

But should anything similar happen again, he'll need to be ready to stand up and side with you. Something similar happened to me ages ago, the mother was expecting him to pick me up at home & then go back to his home to spend Easter with her. As for me, it was such a beautiful spring day and I thought we'd spend the afternoon out, doing something fun. After all, our tradition is "Christmas with your folks and Easter with whomever you want". I didn't know about her plans, and during the afternoon she called all angry because we were not there and hung up on him. It was at the beginning of our relationship, just like in your case.

She was showing an understanding façade, but deep down there were things that angered her if she was not priority. With a new family, priorities change. He needs to be aware of that. If he's not willing to make the leap, then you should break up with him, because that'd make for constant conflict and it's not healthy.

Edited September 15, 2019 by justwhoiam

[kendahke]

Understand that he is completely within his rights to have the life experience gained by being reared by his parents. There is nothing wrong with the way they proceed with one another--it's just you don't have a frame of reference when it comes to a harmonious family that doesn't fight

 

You two are completely different individuals and if you aim to become a member of his family, then you're going to have to find a way to accept that this, too, is a norm; and that homes that are frayed by fighting and other dysfunctional behaviors isn't a norm and there is a lot that people in those families need to work out in therapy.

 

If you can't bring yourself to accepting a different truth than one you've invested in, then you need to end this and find a guy who was brought up in a fighting household like yours.

[kendahke]

I said these exact words to him and he told me I was being patronising and projecting my own life experiences.

 

He's right. You are.

I do really worry on a serious note what will happen when he does lose a parent

.

He will lean on those who truly have his back--his family.

[Calmandfocused]

Op in my opinion you are right to be concerned. In my opinion this crosses the boundaries of a healthy parent/ child relationship.

 

A parents role is to nurture but to guide, protect and help a child reach independence by the time they become an adult. This is not independence this is a severe case of co-dependency. Not healthy.... and a bit weird!

 

Read about the Oedipus complex. This is what this reminds me off. A bit whacky but I think Freud has a valid point in examples like this. In bed with his parents? On Christmas Day like an excitable child when he’s 29 years old? Even the thought of that is a bit disturbing.

 

Mummy’s boys generally cannot stand on their own 2 feet nor are very well equipped at managing their own family obligations. You marry him, you marry his family. Have a child with him and you’d better get used to the fact that it will be his mother who you’ll be having a child with.

 

There’s a difference between a supportive family and a family who overly interferes in their children’s life when it’s inappropriate to do so. This falls into the latter category.

[Gaeta]

You are both at opposite ends and it cannot be reconciled in my opinion. You need to find someone with the same family dynamic as you. This is different than having different movie taste.

 

 

 

And..it's not because their dynamic is 'different' that it's bad. In my eyes, coming from a close-knitted family you are the one with an unusual family dynamic, so stop seeing it as bad, it's just different.

 

I am extremely close to my 32 year old daughter, we speak 10 times a day at least, she's my confident and I am hers...we vacation together etc etc. I speak to my siblings several times a week, we also vacations together and it would be impossible to keep us apart on Holidays. My bf understands 100% even if he's from a culture with different views.

 

Family is strong word for us. If I had to pick between my bf or my family...I would pick my family. Don't make it a battle because you won't win. If it's unbearable then find someone with similar views as you.

 

 

 

 

.

[Ruby Slippers]

Getting in bed with your parents/grown children is extremely weird, no matter the occasion. The mother sitting on her son's girlfriend's bed with the son while the gf is in bed with no clothes on is even more bizarre and creepy, a total boundary violation and invasion of her privacy. But the son went right along with it, so he obviously doesn't get it.

 

It's also very controlling and bizarre for the mother to announce to the entire family that she's taking the son on a trip on a big holiday, without any prior discussion with the son. He's not 8 years old anymore. He's a grown man with his own life.

 

If he had good boundaries with her, he would have said, "Thanks, Mom, but New Year's is a ways off and I'm not sure what karlie and I are doing yet. I'll let you know once we figure it out." And that would be the end of it.

 

If you plan to stay with this guy, get used to being the third wheel to him and mommy. This dynamic has been in place for 28 years and it won't change easily or quickly

[karliewhatyouwant]

I am extremely close to my 32 year old daughter, we speak 10 times a day at least, she's my confident and I am hers...we vacation together etc etc. I speak to my siblings several times a week, we also vacations together and it would be impossible to keep us apart on Holidays. My bf understands 100% even if he's from a culture with different views.

 

That’s not normal.

Edited September 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

It's not normal by anyone's standards. They have no boundaries and haven't raised him to be independent and adult. Honestly, do NOT marry him. This is beyond being pleasantly close to family. Don't let anyone gaslight you because your family was unhappy. His is just as weird. It's not your fault his family is babying their grown son and getting in bed with him. He doesn't bat an eye, so it's no use. You can't make him grow up.

[Gaeta]

It's not normal by anyone's standards. They have no boundaries and haven't raised him to be independent and adult.

What in this makes him not independent? Doesn't he have his own place? doesn't he pay his own bill? I don't see how that makes him none independent. He wants to go on that trip with his mother, so? My sister-in-law took her 25 year old son on a trip just the 2 of them. My nephew is educated, has his own home, and practice in the medical field, he pays his bills, has his own political views, etc.

[preraph]

Well, let's ask her that question. His parents are up in his business constantly and in bed with him on holiday, so that's not independent, for starters.

[OnlyHonesty]

I want to know how you survived all of this for 1.5 years. I'd be gone in 60 seconds....

[emeraldgreen]

I felt so creeped out I had to stop reading.