What is my wife up to?

[taktell]

Hi,

 

I'm looking for some advice, my marriage seems to be falling apart but I don't know what to do about it, and I'm getting very mixed signals from my wife. I'm not even sure if we're separated or not!! It's a long story so I'll try and keep it as simple as possible.

 

It all started about 18 months ago and seemed out of the blue. We've been together for over 20 years and married for most of it. Last year, my wife came home and she was a different person. After a few weeks of this she admitted that a colleague had made a pass at her and that she had feelings for him, but nothing would ever happen because he had a family, etc. Someone else working with both of them made an outrageous play for her (in front of me), which she seemed to revel in, although she insists to this day she did nothing about it, but she did see him again and still works with him. After March this year, she told me that she still had feelings for both.

 

My wife was working as hard as ever, and was showing signs of depression, with long black moods and sometimes talked about killing herself.

 

Then things started to seem to get better. She seemed more herself. We had 3 weeks of summer holiday abroad, with a week back at home in the middle. The first week away went really well, but then the weekend we got back, she took off, saying she was going to stay the night at a friend's. She left her iPad which started pinging lots of messages so I got the full story - she had met a man for sex and spent the night with him. I confronted her about this the next evening. At first she denied it but then admitted the whole thing. She said it was a one-night stand that meant nothing. She wouldn't mind if I did the same, in fact she encouraged me to. She doesn't believe in monogamy, sex is just a thing etc. etc. An uneasy truce followed, although it was clear she was seeing more of him, they had another couple of dates, she insisted they were friends etc.

 

Our two week holiday was bizarre. On the one hand, it was brilliant. We talked for hours, starting on the flight over, it was like the best counselling session we could have, we were open with each other emotionally and physically in a way we haven't been for 20 years. We started making love again - the best it's ever been. We were close and affectionate with each other, made plans for the future etc. Best of all, she is happier than she has been since this all started. She is no longer depressed, no longer talks about taking her own life.

 

But - on the first day, when we arrived, she made an excuse to go off somewhere and didn't come back for a couple of hours. This happened every day, and by the end of the holiday twice a day. On one of her mysterious disappearances, she left me with some work to do on her laptop - she'd left her fb page open. I'm afraid I looked - probably shouldn't have done but she hadn't done anything to hide it. It was quickly obvious that she had, as I suspected, been calling the other guy every day, for hours at a time. And there were also a couple more men she'd met through the dating app.

 

On the last day, she finally admitted that she had been calling the other guy. But the holiday had reignited her feelings for me and she didn't want to separate. We eventually agreed to a partial separation - she will continue to see A, but not move out and see if we can work things out. Soon after we got back she went on another date with A and didn't come back until the next day. I was away for the weekend and she went away with him. I will be seeing her again (I think) later today, when she is coming back here. I've no doubt that her new relationship will have be taken to the next level. I've not spoken to her for a few days but have had texts. She still talks about things we will do together in the future.

 

So this is the bizarre situation I'm in. I don't know if she is my wife or my ex. This new relationship is definitely making her happier than she's been for months, lifted her out of her depression, which I'm delighted about even if it's not a situation I wanted. Meanwhile, when we are together, we seem to be getting on better than ever, in every sense, although whether that will still be true now she has slept with A (I assume she has) and spent time with him, I don't know.

 

I'd really appreciate some insights into what might be going on and what I should do. At the moment, I'm justing letting things play out and I feel completely powerless. I'm not a judgmental person so if you're someone whose had affairs I'd be grateful for some insights from you because I really don't know what to make of any of this!!

Edited September 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request

[usa1ah]

She is cheating and you have turned a blind eye to it for years. Of course she is lying to you, you let her do it.

 

Congrats on just standing by and watching.

 

Just file for divorce and find someone that can at the very least be honest with you.

[DKT3]

No insight needed, either you except you wife is sleeping around or you leave.

 

It appears that she has slept with at least 3 different guys and is basically opened your marriage. Hard to put that genie back in the bottle. As I said you either join in or get out, I believe she would rather leave then go back.

[BaileyB]

You are not powerless. If you don’t want to watch your wife come and go from your marriage as she dallies with other men, you always have the ability to file for divorce.

 

To be very honest, I’m not sure why it has taken you so long to divorce this woman.

[FMW]

Your story requires no explanation, I don't see any room for confusion. She wants to stay married (for stability, money?) but be free to have lots of men friends and lovers. You appear to have agreed to this arrangement.

 

I do find it odd she obviously still lies to you about it at times. Even if you have tacitly agreed to an open marriage (which is how I read your story), I would think that would require honesty and transparency. Or at the very least the ability to be discreet enough to not make the lies so obvious.

[schlumpy]

You must find this all somewhat sexually exciting because I can't think of any other reason you are hanging around. Afraid to be alone?

 

You are free to choose the life you want. Why are you choosing this one?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would put up with such humiliation and disrespect from you? If you don't respect yourself then who will? She is playing you for a total fool.

 

1. Get tested for STD's

2. See a lawyer and get divorced

[Marc878]

Your are accepting an open marriage on your wife's side. Why is that?

 

You'd be better off without her. Until you stand up and stop living in infidelity this will be your life going forward.

 

You do have a choice

 

I would inform their wives.

[MJJean]

So, she's been cheating on you off and on for years and your response is to tell her it's ok to live with you as your wife while continuing to date.

 

Ok, then.

 

NO! NOT ok! Jeebus, man, wake up! She spent the night with her romantic interest and you think they didn't have sex? Really? She even told you he was a friend with benefits. The benefits part is sex. Yeesh!

 

If you're ok with her continuing to cheat on you, carry on. Some men are fine with a one-sided open marriage. But if you're not ok with a one sided open marriage your choices seem to be A) Find an affair partner of your own so at least it's not a one sided open marriage or B) file for divorce and find a woman that isn't a serial cheater.

[mark clemson]

Hi,

So this is the bizarre situation I'm in. I don't know if she is my wife or my ex. This new relationship is definitely making her happier than she's been for months, lifted her out of her depression, which I'm delighted about even if it's not a situation I wanted - and yet this new relationship seems to be founded upon a lot of untruths. Meanwhile, when we are together, we seem to be getting on better than ever, in every sense, although whether that will still be true now she has slept with A (I assume she has) and spent time with him, I don't know.

 

I'd really appreciate some insights into what might be going on

 

 

She's "happier" because you're letting her have her cake and eat it too. Your marriage is in part now a safe base from which she can explore flings and other relationships.

 

Agree with the above that she basically opened your marriage and brought you in after the fact. If you're not ok with that, you probably have few options, one of which would obviously be divorce. I suspect she's "hooked" on this, at least for the time being, and is unlikely to want to stop.

 

At the risk of stating the obvious, it's totally unfair and unethical to open a marriage without telling the spouse. IF you think you want to continue this, suggest you research online about polyamory. I would give it some long hard thought before agreeing to this, though. Honestly, at the rate this is going, it sounds like she could come home pregnant with someone else's kid one of these days.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm getting very mixed signals from my wife

 

Don't agree with this at all, as your wife has done you the favor of being fairly upfront about her intentions - she's going to date and sleep with other men.

 

No judgment here, though your choices are pretty clear. Accept her lifestyle as a part of your relationship, or find someone else who understands monogamy.

 

Not that confusing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

You're not her father. You're her husband. If she no longer wants to live the married life, one of you should file for divorce and get it over with. This is disgusting behavior on her part.

[Amethyst68]

We set the bar on how people treat us. In other words your wife is treating you like this because you are permitting it. There is no respect for you in her behaviour/her actions. What does she have to do before you hit rock bottom and start applying consequences?

[elaine567]

Could she be bipolar?

 

The first "manic" episode or perhaps more likely hypomania.

She would be out of bed at 6am and I wouldn't see her again until nearly midnight. She hardly ate and lost loads of weight...

 

Followed by deep depression. To the point of being suicidal

 

Followed by "mania" again.

The great sex, the promiscuity, the talking for hours to you and to A, the elevated mood...

 

Signs of hypomania in bipolar II disorder include:

Decreased need for sleep

Extreme focus on projects at work or at home

Exuberant and elated mood

Increased confidence

Increased creativity and productivity

Increased energy and libido

Reckless behaviors

Risky pleasure-seeking behaviors

[Buffer]

Taktell,

 

What are you really after?

Take control of the situation, please don’t sit back and let her gaslight your marriage. She is walking all over you.

 

Your wife of 20 years has such little respect for you and your marriage. She has cheated on you with multiple partners on numerous occasions. Yet you seem to accept this as a phase she is going through or at least a medical condition.

 

I understand that most of the time you get on well, and she has had bouts of depression during this period of your lives, but she has to be accountable for her actions towards you and the marriage.

 

When you get home, get tested for STDs.

Ultimately what are you wanting from this? For her to stop her ways and recommit to you or just live in a open marriage.

 

Your choice is what you can accept, not what she wants!

 

Seek legal information for your location. Know what your position is as for financial and property.

 

Is she seeking medical assistance for her depression? If not get some.

If she is under medical care, can you talk with her treatment team? To help.

 

When you decide what you want, Act.

 

She made need a reality check. When you are at home, just get up and pack her bags without telling her why, she will know. Kick her out. Go NC, etc. Suggest IC and MC if you want to work on your relationship.

 

Brother, at the moment she is just destroying you and the marriage.

Edited September 16, 2019 by Buffer

[40somethingGuy]

Wow, I don't see how you can be so tolerant to be a doormat. She has played you for years. She has gotten so used to playing you that she got sloppy by leaving her FB open and Ipad out there in a place you could figure it out. She wants your financial security but a variety of different partners. What do you mean 'what's going on with my wife?' Give us a break. Launch her and most importantly, take control of your manhood and get a backbone. Your weakness is exactly why she is doing what she is doing. She thinks you're a chump. Sorry but that is what women do when they realize they are with chumps.

[Nikzy006]

Man ... love yourself first... don't be a doormat file for divorce find someone who will love you and mostly respect you .. if you don't act now i am sure she will drag you for months of trauma and manipulation and ultimately she will leave you ... so why don't you do that just leave her ... trust me you won't regret it now ... but the longer you wait the pain will get worse ..

[aliveagain]

Hi,

 

I'm looking for some advice, my marriage seems to be falling apart but I don't know what to do about it, and I'm getting very mixed signals from my wife. I'm not even sure if we're separated or not!! It's a long story so I'll try and keep it as simple as possible.

 

It all started about 18 months ago and seemed out of the blue. We've been together for over 20 years and married for most of it - no children. Last year, my wife came home and she was a different person. She had started working with a friend of mine (I introduced them) - he lives in another country but visits the UK occasionally.

 

You have no children. Do you depend on her financially? If you don't and you don't like the idea of sharing her with other men, divorce her, your life is at risk if you stay with her. Everything about her is tainted by other men, including your ex friend. Your life should be easier now, why complicate it by staying married to someone who doesn't love you except as a friend? Being alone is better then being with a serial cheater. The more men she is with the greater your chance of contacting a life changing STD. Save yourself, she doesn't care about your relationship anymore, have her served and start a new and exciting life with someone that you can trust.

[Buffer]

Leave her, she has already left the relationship, just failed to tell you!

[BettyDraper]

Are you seriously questioning your cheating wife's obvious extracurricular activities on LS?

 

I'm genuinely confused.

 

If you are still with her and asking about her infidelity online, then I don't know what LoveShack can do for you this terrible situation.

 

Maybe you have a cuckold fetish? I'm not being sarcastic when I say that because that could be the case.

If I'm wrong, then I'm perplexed about what you are asking and why you are still with your wife.

[crispytoast]

Your wife is up to having sex with other men. Either you're about it or you're not. If you aren't, then get proof of the cheating and get a divorce. If it doesn't bother you that much (which it sort of reads that way) then perhaps have a talk with her about where she is at and what's going on. Honestly there's no shame in having an open marriage if you're ok with it (despite what most of LoveShack will tell you). But you and your wife need to be on the same page, which is not how it currently appears. And she needs to be upfront with her other lovers that she is a married woman. With that being said, if you are going to stick with it for the long haul, I highly recommend picking up a few lovers yourself.

[spiderowl]

She wants the security of being with you and yet having romances with others. The question is, are you prepared to accept that kind of relationship or not? If she feels the need to be with others, there is always the risk she might fall madly in love with one of them and move out anyway.

 

She may be more naturally polygamous than most - I really don't know enough about it to say. It comes down to what you are comfortable with really. I cannot imagine being happy with someone who has such a strong need to be with others and who bunks off from family events to talk to them.

 

There are no magic solutions really. If you two separate for good, you might meet someone else who is faithful and loves being with you. You might end up having various relationships but not finding 'the one'. Life is very uncertain. How do you feel about all this in your heart of hearts?

[merrmeade]

You do realize you can't trust anything she says, right? She is capricious and unpredictable and will say what works and is sort of true at the moment, then later "confess" just enough to keep things marginally authentic because that's thrilling, too. This is the game and you need to wise up at least to what the rules are. She will call it something different each time, but really you're just sharing her with a bunch of other people. She's just as genuine with each of them as she is with you. Sorry but it's very important to accept the full reality that your spouse is not who you thought she was. Once you can say she lies and deceives without compunction, you'll start getting clear and free. Good luck.

[notbroken]

Go see a lawyer immediately. Don't pass go. Don't do anything until you see an attorney. Divorce her asap. Regain what little self respect you have. She is destroying you. Don't participate one second longer. Safeguard your assets and your heart.