I WILL Stick around

[Leid]

Hi, I'm fairly new on here, but this is my story..

 

I have a BF who is married. I met him and he said he was separated and will be divorcing. I was skeptical, b/c I've NEVER knowingly dated a married man; that was taboo for me. I told him that. But three months later, he's still in pursuit and I'm falling for the guy. We're in our sixth month, and I have the key to his house, cars and I basically live there most of the time, even though I own my own home. Recently, though, his wife started coming at the house more. At first it was to get her mail, even though she lives in the same city in her own house (which he gave her in their separation agreement) and I'd be inside while they talk outside. He's never invited her in. But now she knows I'm there all the time she's come to get her mail more. The first time I answered the door (and the first time I "met" her face to face).. she looked me up and down and said "Let me speak to XXX". No hello, good morning, nothing. Sure, I politely answered, I'll get him for you. I closed the door and went upstairs to get him. They talk outside, while I'm inside finishing his breakfast. The second time she came over, she's fuming, b/c she and I arrived at the house the same time. I take out the keys to open the door and she almost try to race to the door. I let her into the foyer (she's looking around, b/c he's worked on the house since she moved out) He comes downstairs from his office and makes her go outside. While outside, she calls me a "muther****ing bitch" then demands he tells me to leave the house so she can come in to "talk" He says no, she leaves, angry. He comes back in and apologizes to me but says he'd never put me out of his house and that she's never been back in that house since she moved out and that since he changed the locks and got new carpet, furniture, etc. she's now saying they're hers and she'll get them from him. Then she tells him I'll break his heart like she did and cheat on him too. That all women are like that. And that I got a good catch, with him owning all this stuff and his job status.

 

What she doesn't know is that I, too, own "stuff" and have a great paying job. I love him and I can't imagine wanting to be w/ someone for what he has. When he told me what she said, I told him she's just trying to hurt him, b/c he doesn't want to be w/ her anymore. It's not like I broke them up. He'd made up his mind about their marriage a long time before I came into the picture.

 

 

They've been separated over a year and he did tell her he has a girlfriend. She's been served her divorce papers by a processor. She'd already signed a separation agreement six months ago spliting their properties (which really are all his). Now she sees I'm at his house all the time, he just told me she went back to court to contest the divorce and says he "forced her" to sign the separation agreement and is contesting her share. She also said when she married, she married for life. He told me she didn't think he was serious about the divorce and probably was waiting for him to cool off, but he doesn't want her in his life. He'd been dating other people before he met me. He says he wishes she'd just move on and that she's one woman he won't get back with b/c of what she'd put him through. He told her that. He was cheated on and was used a lot. He's a handyman and loves to help people, but I think she took advantage of him and didn't love him like she said she did. All she talks to him about is his "stuff" his benefits and what she'll take from him.

 

If she really loved this man, she wouldn't try to make his life so miserable and she'd be trying her best to get him back. Showing up at someone's home unannounced and calling someone I don't know a bitch isn't my style and I think it's uncouth. He says he'll likely get a restraining order so she stops doing that, b/c he thinks it'll get worse.

 

I suspect his divorce will be a rocky one now, and I'll be there to support him.

Outside of all this, we're happy. We see each other every day, well, b/c I basically live in his house. He's always there for me, I'm always there for him. We talk two to three times a day. When I come home, he draws my bath water and makes me hot tea. He massages my head while we watch TV. We go out on "dates". When he comes home, I make him lunch, rub his back, whatever he needs to feel comfortable. We look out for each other. He fixes my car, I keep his house clean. I respect him, he respects me. We're going on our first vacation abroad in two months. We've made our holiday plans. I have nothing but love for this man.

 

It hurts me to see a man so loving going through something like this. True, there are two sides to every story. If he'd told me all those things about her and I've never seen it for myself, I'd be skeptical. We all make mistakes in life and I see he yearns to be in a happy relationship and get over that mistake. I don't plan on making his life any miserable. If he asks me to leav or give him time, I will respectfully do so, b/c I don't want to be the one who puts furrows in his forehead or sadden him. His smile is too beautiful to keep hidden..

 

OK, I'm getting musshy.. but my point:

 

To any woman who is in a great relationship with a separated man who treats her well, hang in there. Don't let anyone take away your happiness. Relationships aren't perfect. Marriage should be respected, but there are some situations where marriage means nothing if one of the parties is being treated disrepectfully or poorly or just wants out.. no if ands or buts about it.

 

This is my story, and I plan to stick around. Even if things don't work out between us, it'll be a relationship I'll remember for a lifetime.

[jhurtinct]

I read your post earlier I just didn't think I could be of help, it sounds like he really cares for you and that you care for him, have the papers been filed for the D yet?

 

There really isn't anything you can do other than stick by him. It does sound like she is a very hurt women and as you said there r many sides to a story and you don't know hers, but she sounds unstable. You are probalby right it will be a hard and long D. but just make sure it is in the works and good luck stay safe.

 

I hope someone else who can better advise you will:)

[newbby]

i agree, it doesnt sound like the typical affair type situation. she will move on, obviously she is having a hard time at the moment, but this is normal at the end of a marriage.

[Leid]

Hi, Jhurtinc,

 

Thanks for the kinds words. I'd posted this in the separation/divorce forum, which probably wasn't a good idea. But I can't delete it

 

Newbby, I agree.. she's obviously having a hard time; I'm sure she's trying to blame me for her situation, but I know better. I've never been married, but breakups are difficult. I wish her well...

 

Leid

[Art_Critic]

I agree with the 2 previous posters but I would like to add a few things of my own.

 

Seperated = Married they are married until the judge says they aren't.

 

Anything can happen at this stage and it isn't unheard of for 2 people to get back together before the divorce.. So you need to proceed with your best interests in mind.

 

Remember that as soon as the divorce is final he will be flooded with a different set of emotions he hasn't felt yet and you could take the brunt of that and wind up the rebound.. He most likely hasn't grieved yet for the marriage.

 

Don't believe the issues about what was his or hers .. this is none of your business and she is due what she is due because they are married.

Just because they are seperated doesn't mean the house shouldn't rightfully be hers instead of him GIVING it to her.

 

The last thing I want to caution you on is, Pay attention to how he is treating her throughout this seperation/divorce..Seeing other people.. etc..

Because this is how he is going to treat you when you either breakup or get divorced from him.. People seem to repeat their behaviors.

[Leid]

Hi, thanks for the wise words.. I did say I'm involved with a married man. I'm not delusional about that fact. But I DO know for certain he's not taking her back; so that part is moot. But I understand anything can happen.

 

You're right, all the other stuff about the divorce isn't any of my business and he volunteers that info to me. I just nod and let him talk because I think he needs that right now. I'm prepared for what comes after the divorce....

[lust4life]

I think the signs he is showing by making her keep her distance are good, however; it is also a possiblilty that he is trying to make her feel remorseful by showing her he can and will live without her. He probably has deep feelings for her still and you may want to explore those with him. Think of it as him being a widower, what would he need? He would need to REALLY TALK ABOUT HER.

[foolinlove]

I agree with the other posters....be cautious...my MM seperated from wife for 10 months and because of "business" reasons, returned and has been there for a month? Tells me still talking about divorce...

 

Bottom line..there is NEVER any guarentees in life. NEVER! Be cautious when dealing with situations like this....there are many emotions people can go through...I would hate to see you get hurt. But truely wish you the best....Good luck!

[Leid]

Lust4life, you have a good point there. I think I need to work on that more, seeing if he really can open up. I never thought to think of him as a widower.. he's going through the stages, and right now he's expressing a lot of anger. Yes, it could be he wants her to know he can live without her. He may well love her. That's not something you can turn off like a faucet. I understand that. I think the more he talks out his anger, the better. Thanks for shedding some light on this

 

Foolinlove, I'm still holding back a bit emotionally until he's divorced. Just the other day, his lawyer sent a response to her filing to contest the divorce asking her to stop harrassing his client. She calls him up and asks him why is his lawyer threatening her. She then told him she'll destroy him and do all she can to see he suffers. I dread to think how long she's been holding that in. But it could be she's just deeply hurt. I'm inclined to believe the former. I don't think my getting out of the picture will change anything for him or make it any better for her. When we met, he wasn't "thinking" about or talking divorce. He'd already made up his mind and had filed. They didn't have any children (he wanted two, she didn't want any but he found out after they married), and they don't own a business together. She's contesting the divorce, mainly for beneficial reasons (she's on his health insurance), not because she wants to stay married to him. I'm convinced of this the more nasty she gets.

[Leid]

update: the battle is brewing. she's gone and forwarded all his mail to her new home address (which she won't reveal to him) and now he can't get his mail, including lots of important legal documents. He's upset. W doesn't live there (hasn't in over a year)..he'd changed all the locks. And the few mails she was getting was credit card offers or otherwise junk mail. Why are some women so stupid?