Feeling angry due to irrationality

[ddan]

I am a 30year old guy. I am introverted and prefer not to hang out in groups. I do not have any close friends for a couple of years now. My social life was mostly dating via phone apps and most of them were just a couple of dinner dates.

 

Then I met a female colleague at the same workplace and I am now in a relationship with her. Things went naturally initally and we became a couple within a period of 1.5 years. But we were soon in a LDR due to inevitable work requirements, as part of the government service stint.

 

As such we have been in a 2year LDR, and already proposed to her with an engagement ring.

 

We met up almost once a month. We have been to loyal to each other.

 

But things have started to sour lately as we had a couple of disagreements in which I had raised my voice about 2 to 3 times venting my frustrations.

 

 

These were the 2 disagreements:

1) I did not reply and respond her text messages on time. It was very infrequent and it did not happen everytime. It only happened when either I was asleep(too tired after work) or too busy. There were times that I texted and promised to call her but I was too busy burning the midnight oil. As such I did not reply her text messages and did not give her a phonecall.

 

She feels that it is important to let her know that I am busy and demands me to respond in a timely manner. As a matter of fact, I have always answered her phone calls 9 times out of 10. Even if she had called, I would have always returned the call within a few hours.

 

I was upset because she knew that I was busy and yet expected me to reply her on time. If she had called knowing that I was too busy to reply her text message, all of this wouldn't be an issue.

Her phone calls were never a nuisance. I just could not fathom what point she is trying to make.

And out of this argument, she had the impression that I did not care much about her, which of course is unintentional. I just feel that this is just being irrational.

 

2)She is not content with my attitude of negativity towards petty things and the fact that I get irritated easily. We both view the magnitude of life issues differently, in particular the importance and priority of work versus relaxation.

As an example, regarding our plans for holidays, I wouldn't much be concerned about how many days we would spent altogether or where we would travel as I am currently bothered with transitioning to an entire new department with a different scope of practice. I must say that the work stress has contributed a lot to this. I have some mild OCD and would always advise her things that she thinks are trivial (and petty), such as keeping clean and stuffs about personal hygiene and so on.

 

The fact I tend to have a negativity towards certain things definitely came from my mother.

Whether it's about food, clothes, ideas or whatever it is, I tend to comment on the negative aspects. It took me a while to realise it because it has already become so routine. I too disagree with the pessimism in my family home. This is something that I will address and hope to change.

 

During our last vacation, she cried unexpectedly and I couldn't understand how the 2 things that I mentioned above could hurt her so much. She told me she was getting tired of the above 2 things and could not fathom why she could get so emotional. And of course she blamed me for those 2 things for taking them lightly all the time.

 

I was angry because she was irrational and I have always felt that I was contributing more in the relationship, being on my own in my career progression and there wasn't much any sexual reciprocity on grounds that I respected her limits. But I still love her a lot. We both cried on that day after forgiving each other.

We have not made any major life-decisions yet as in buying a house, finances or preparations for our wedding day.

 

I am disappointed and I regret that I might have 'scarred' her given that she grew up in a spoon-fed family, where her parents never scolded her before.

 

I would like to ask for help/insight as to how I could deal with this. I have already talked to her regarding the 2 disagreements but I still feel that I might not have come to a resolution for myself as I still feel her irrationality at times. Kindly help. Thanks.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You need to communicate. I can understand that you are busy, but promising to call and then not calling definitely shows a lack of interest. Everyone gets busy, but they don't break their promises. I dated a guy like that and every time he "forgot" to call, that hurt. Eventually I found out he wasn't all that into me. I don't need constant contact, but there was a huge difference between guys who were bleh about me and someone who really cared for me.

[smackie9]

Step up to her demands, and send flowers, nice cards, gifts to let her know you do care.....remember happy wife (to be) happy life. She just wants to know you are thinking of her. A nice unexpected little note, a surprise small gift (jewelry is nice) goes a long long way. Don't let the romance die.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she feels you are neglecting her in terms of responding in a timely way. She is missing you and feels you aren't bothered.

 

Regarding raising your voice, we all get frayed at times, so that's bound to happen at some point but it should be avoided in a loving relationship.

 

I get the feeling you are criticising her dress, hygiene, and maybe other things. You say it's because of OCD - if it is, you need to apologise. She should not have to meet your requirements if they are excessive. If she does not maintain even basic cleanliness, that is a different matter. Her clothing is her own choice and part of her individuality. What has she done wrong about that in your eyes?

 

She clearly wants more loving attention from you. I don't know how loving and romantic you are towards her, but as another poster said, there is no harm in improving that. Criticism of someone's personal dress and habits is not a good thing, unless they are outrageous in some way. It could be seen as controlling. If you are OCD, then it may help you to discuss these issues with a therapist to see what is bothering you and if it is something one should be dragging into a normal relationship.

 

It sounds like this woman loves you. If you want this relationship to last, you need to be more loving and supportive and less critical, or she will walk.

[Ami1uwant]

What are you negative about? It sounds like you are negative about something important to you.

 

 

You need to regularly communicate with her let her know what’s going on good or bad. Show affection.

[ddan]

thanks for your input, I really appreciated that. My OCD is just mild and there are things that I would prefer her to follow but I have never forced her. Just mostly conveyed as polite gentle requests with repeated persuasion i guess.

 

I should be more loving and less critical.

 

I am always critical of things. I should tone that down a bit, be more optimistic and comment more on the good things in general. (whether its a trip, an item, food etc)

[ddan]

What are you negative about? It sounds like you are negative about something important to you.

 

 

You need to regularly communicate with her let her know what’s going on good or bad. Show affection.

 

Mostly negative in general. I guess it's a bad habit. I get criticise things easily, even about ordinary daily things.

 

Thanks for the input regarding the communication. We don't always communicate our feelings that well. I am aware of it but yet not working on it. Gonna take it step by step to be more optimistic and be more expressive on the good points and experiences.

[Gretchen12]

I was angry because she was irrational and I have always felt that I was contributing more in the relationship ..

 

This sums it up. She's not more irrational than you. Anger is an irrational state but you are critical so you say she was irrational. It's not a good position to take. Crying is often due to stress, not hurt.

 

If I were you, I'd not promise to call. If you're busy, she just has to understand. She is equating lack of contact with lack of love. Assure her that this is not so. She will be happier because waiting to hear from you is stressful and builds resentment. If you plan to get married you'd better stand your ground or you'll be forever reporting in or else.

 

As for your criticism and OCD, she has to just ignore you. Constantly picking on details, is called nagging. Are you really a nag or is it because you have resentment towards her for "not contributing more to the relationship"? Nobody wants to be criticized all the time, makes her feel unloved, then she'll need you to call her all the time.

[schlumpy]

Relationships go through stages. Your honeymoon stage is coming to an end and all of those little cute, aggravating eccentricities that both of you were ignoring and sweeping under the rug are gaining in importance.

 

If you are going to survive as a couple you will have to find a way between you to compromise or to forgive.

 

You should take this seriously because things like this that are easy to dismiss can take on a large disruptive role in your relationship. It helps a lot to have a good sense of humor.