How to proceed in the relationship

[jackalope]

Alright. I'll keep the story short, but I need advice on how to proceed in my relationship. We have been dating for 9 months and when we met he just swept me off my feet and I feel madly in love with him. Unfortunately I already had plans to travel to New Zealand and after a month of dating I left the country for four months, but we decided to stick together and try long distance. We made it through pretty painlessly and met in Amsterdam after my New Zealand trop was over. It was wonderful and romantic. Then we got back home... and I guess maybe because we both started working full time and he got really focused on work while I was oversees but things were different. We didn't see each other as much as i thought we would being back, and work was his priority. It didn't super feel like he cared I was back after being away for four months. Then as work progressed for both of us and got more stressful we saw less of each other. It was hard, but fine because we still had at least one day off together.

But we worked opposite schedules so we didn't see each other more than once a week and a couple quick inch dates. It was hard, still. But we both want to stay with each other.

Anyway... I finally managed to switch my work schedule so I open (not just for him, I was miserable anyway and wanted to open) but now he isn't closing at his store. So I finally switched, and I thought it would make seeing each other more easier, but we are STILL on opposite schedules. It's was already getting to me, and I don't know if I can do it for a few more months.

 

I'm still very much in love with him. He makes me so happy. Anyway that sees us together can tell, but there's no end goal in sight. When I was in NZ, at least we had an end. I don't know what the end of our opposite schedules is, and it doesn't seem like there is one in the close future, and I don't know if I really see the point of going through a few hard months where I hardly see him and just feel like im not really in a relationship for an unseen end. I think I have to break up with him, but i do still really love him. I do really think he is he guy i want to end up with. But the situation isn't getting to me. A lot. And I don't know when it will end.

 

Should I stay or should I go?

[chillii]

Don't get it. Your here telling us how in love with him you are then your saying you can't even rough it for few months.

Do you know how long some people wait for their loved one, especially back in the old days.

But even in this day and age , a good friend of mine waited nearly 3 yrs for her man, didn't see him once in that time and went through all kinds of crap,big crap. If you do love him man up woman.

Besides , where you gonna go to anyway, what someone you don't love but see more often, or wasting your time dating dead ends for years ?

lf you truly love each other you wait and work it out, might take time could even be 12mths,so what, worth it though.

l',m thinking you don't really feel anything like what you think you do.

Edited September 14, 2019 by chillii

[jackalope]

I don't super appreciate how harsh you were, and that you "doubt" my love because you don't know the whole situation. But what you're questioning is exactly what I am questioning. The opposite schedules is taking a huge toll on me, though. And he isn't very good at texting so I don't really hear from him sometimes for two or three days, and part of me doesn't get it because we work the same job and the same hours (different locations) and I still find time and energy to contact or see him, because i love him. And men are different, driven by work more than relationships, so I get how distant he can be sometimes. But it doesn't make it easier.

 

I guess you're right though. I have a lot of learning to do about healthy relationships, as does he, but we both want to be with each other I think. I guess I guess I just am looking for advice on how to power through this, when my partner does become focused on work and distant and hates texting and I sometimes just feel like I'm not in a relationship. Is that worth it?

 

I don't want another relationship after this one. I'm pretty done with it for a while, I don't want to go looking for anyone else after this. He is really the last man I'm willing to put the energy towards but it just has been really ****ing tough, and he puts all his energy towards his job and leaves not much energy for this relationship.

[chillii]

Yeah right , well sorry but a few months is nothing.

But are you doubting his feelings then?

Bit worried about him not texting much been in this sitch, run a business but still make time. Does he still seem to feel the same apart from that l'm wondering, has anything else wavered ? Affection and things he says about you guys, attitudes.

[jackalope]

The thing is I don't KNOW if it's a few months. It could be a few months or a couple years. There is no end in sight right now.

I'm a little less positive about how he feels. He says he cares a lot and loves me and it seems like he is trying but then he still disappears for days at a time and he doesn't make plans or go out of his way to invite me over as much as he did. I've brought the concerns up with him and he says he's trying and listening to what I need, but I just don't feel his affection as much as I used to. I know it's also the end of the honeymoon phase, but I would just to feel love and appreciated like he used to make me feel.

[chillii]

ahhhh, right. Yeah that's a different time worry altogether, something you have to think about isn't it. He should wanna fix that to.

l dunno about the so called honeymoon periods they talk about all over the net for me it's not been like that could last years, grow in fact buttt, situations make a lot of difference too though especially if he's trying to build his work thing up, that can def' be a killer.

Tbh , l'd think he should be a bit more into at this stage though butttt, stress and all is another killer., so it's a bit hard to say for sure.

Be good to hear what others think of the sitch, hang in there they'll come along soon.

Good luck.

Edited September 14, 2019 by chillii

[smackie9]

You shouldn't be talking to us to make a decision, you should be having this conversation with him....but more of REAL discussion, like what can HE do about it and if he can't, you will not be sticking it out, you've had enough. He's obviously been able to pacify you in the past..now is the time to tell him the harsh reality.

[schlumpy]

I think you should at least scale back your relationship. You aren't seeing him as much as you need and he doesn't appear to be making you a priority. I would cautiously take that as a sign and not get caught flatfooted. I think he doesn't miss you enough. The relationship work should be easy not hard or frustrating. Do not limit your opportunities.

 

BTW, I really like what I see of New Zealand.

[Watercolors]

Yes, it doesn't seem like you're much of a priority for him in his life, same work schedules et al. If a man wants you to be a priority in his life, nothing will stop him from doing that.

 

You both work for the same retail store, the same hours, different locations. Yet, he's spotty with digital communication with you. Why not call him and ask him to get together with you and have a face to face discussion about where this is going.

 

If you want to be a priority in his life, you have to tell him that. You both have to discuss what you want from each other and create a plan together or this is nothing more than him fading out from your 9 month connection in a rather lame, and insensitive way (not responding to your texts, making himself unavailable to you).

[spiderowl]

When you got back from your trip, you didn't feel he cared much. You and he seem to be on different schedules still, despite changing your schedule. He is not trying very hard to be free to see you.

 

I guess if he has his own business, he could be tied to that a lot of the time, due to cost of reliable staff and long hours.

 

Is he trying to make sure you know he want to be with you? Has he talked to you about how you could both find more time to be with each other? If not, I suspect he is not as committed as you are.

 

Are you absolutely sure that work is what is stopping him from seeing you? Could he be involved with someone else, married even? Have you been to his home, his place of work, met his friends or family? If not, you know nothing about him - or rather none of what he has told you has been verified. He could be making everything up and you could be one of many women he is keeping on a string.

 

I think you need to check out his story. I also think he is not as committed as you and you probably need to find someone more suited to you in that respect.

Edited September 14, 2019 by spiderowl

[jackalope]

He is absolutely not cheating on me, I know that for a fact. A lot of our issues is that he gets really stressed out with work and it exhausts him emotionally, and he's very independent so he needs his space. He is also not great at communicating, hence lack of texting, but if I call him he prefers that and he does call me back, but he never goes out of his way to be the one to call me. And he's made it clear that the effort he is putting in is all he can manage with work right now, but because of his stress he just disappears. He does try to give me what I need and find time to see me, but he is also very bad at planning in advance and I need more of a plan then he does.

We find time to stop by each other's store occasionally, and sometimes have lunch with each other if the schedule allows it. But I really hate just seeing him on a surface level, not being able to sleep in the same bed as him more than once a week, and only being able to go on dates and do activities every once in a while because of our schedules.

He does care about me. He just doesn't show it a lot. He is very reserved and even though he knows that my love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, and I've made the point that since we can't have a lot of quality time that I need more words of affirmation to balance it, he doesn't keep up with it if we are not physically together.

I'm getting tired of his lack of stress control, that's a huge factor in it. He is unhappy in his job now but still putting so much effort even though it's clear that it's not good for him, he's not enjoying it anymore, and it's unlikely he will get the promotion he has been working towards for months.

I get frustrated when he disappears, because I feel like my presence in his life should be calming and helpful to him, and I do sometimes end up bringing up my grievances with him and stressing him out more. I've been doing a lot of research on relationships and think that I can do better to help him be less stressed in the relationship, more understanding of his situation, to help him be happier, and when he is happier he has more energy and is more willing to see me.

But I don't know what to do. I don't know if he'll put the necessary energy in to help me in the relationship. We are so good together when we are good. But his lack of communication and the way he isolates himself is not super fair to me.

 

We have had discussions about this before, which is why I'm reaching out to the public so please refrain from suggesting I talk to him. I want advice more than anything. When we talk, he is understanding and he wants to do better. But then he gets stressed again. But I know we both want to do better. I just don't know if it's possible considering the situation of opposite schedules and stressful jobs.

[Watercolors]

My advice is to break up with him then, since you two have had discussions about his lack of communication and lack of planning etc.. before with the same results: you are not happy.

 

Maybe you two are just incompatible. He clearly isn't going to change his ways and neither are you. So, my advice is to break up and find a guy who shares your "love language" style and who you don't have to constantly nag or chase after like you do now with your current boyfriend.

[ExpatInItaly]

There isn't much you can do if he isn't able or willing to meet you half-way, OP.

 

You have spoken to him, more than once. He hears what you are saying. Thus far, he hasn't taken action (or at least the kind you would like) to rectify the situation. How integrated into his life are you? Have you met his family? Friends?

 

At some point, you might need to recognize that your relationship just isn't a priority for him right now. Is it all stress-related? Maybe. Do I see a lot of people excusing away a partner's increasing distance with work stress? Oh, yes. Frequently. I've done so myself, in the past, with an ex off mine. My guess is that it's a combination of work stress and a generally lukewarm level of interest in the relationship. It's only been 9 months. 4 of those you were gone. It seems that the remainder has been not that great. This may just be who he is, and not able to manage his personal life when work is tough. Or, he might be in the habit of putting work above everything else. There are plenty of people out there like this, and their relationships tend to suffer for it.

 

I'm sorry. You can hang on for a while longer if you like, and try to be positive, but be careful not to suppress your own needs and wants too much just because you're afraid to lose him. This might not be the guy for you.

Edited September 15, 2019 by ExpatInItaly