Dating 10months and no committment

[TheLight86]

So I've been dating this guy for 10months and I asked him recently about getting into an actual relationship and he said that it would happen soon but he was still trying to see If Im the one he should be with.

 

He says he is taking baby steps and compared to what he use to do its progress. He use to date a different woman every week and he was having sex with different women every other week. He says now since im seeing you im having sex with only you, and im seeing you all day every day its like its not enough. He says give me a lil time. He says because when he is in a relationship he is faithful and wants to be sure.

 

He also brought up age that he is 32 and doesn't have time to make mistakes on choosing the wrong person. We do everything together, we live together now but before when I had my own apartment he was over my place everyday after work. We always go out on Fridays. However I recently had to vacate my apartment because the owners weren't paying the mortgage and it foreclosed. So he said we could get an apartment together and in six months Ill get my own place again or possibly well get another place together we would see.

 

He talks about the future he says things like when we get married...when we do this...and when we do that... and im just confused why say all that to be at a stand still.

 

He recently took me home to meet his mom and his family. ON the trip we had a few arguments and a few altercations with each other. Recently I caught him on our apartment security camera talking to a woman. He admitted to it and said that he met her while he was out and about recently. He said we are both still single so we can do that. I thought by now he wouldn't want to talk to anyone new and I told him that too and he said how do you know if you like something or if its for you if you have nothing to compare it to.

 

I thought his logic was stupid, and I said you shouldn't have to. I asked him what is the point in us going forward if your going to do this and not commit. All he does is crutch the fact that he just wants to be sure and oh you met my mom and I dont introduce anyone to her if they aren't important which his mom confirmed and was shocked to of met me when she did. BUt still I feel by now we should have been in a relationship.

 

So I told him I was going to give him a few days to think it over but that if he wants to still date other women at this point and chill with them that was fine but that I wasn't going to stick around for it and that he was either going to see other women and date and be on his own or choose me and we focus on just you and me. Its been a week and Im going to ask him on Sunday. Im so nervous! Im prepared to hear im not ready and im prepared to hear I choose you what do you guys think?

Edited September 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

Why did you let a guy who isn't committed to you move in? Commitment comes before cohabitation.

[kendahke]

Make good on your plans to move out in 6 months.

 

With you being there 24/7, he has no incentive to move the needle towards "we are in a relationship" because you're already there in his space without any real negotiation towards him recognizing your relationship.

 

And for all things good and holy, DO. NOT. BECOME. HIS. WIFEY. That means no being his cook, laundress, housekeeper without him reciprocating with something way more concrete than what he's so far presented to you.

 

ON the trip we had a few arguments and a few altercations with each other.

 

Define "altercations", please.

[stillafool]

I too am wondering why you would get an apartment with a man you love who won't commit to you after 10 months. He's had more than enough time to decide if he wants you in his life or not. Usually when they put you on 'relationship hold" it's because they aren't really sure about you and holding out for better. You need to set a date and if he hasn't committed by then break it off. If you want marriage and kids you don't have time to stay "on hold" for him.

[Redhead14]

Listen, a car dealer doesn't let someone test drive a car for an unlimited period of time

 

You sit him down, you tell him you love him and see a future with him. Then you tell him what you're goals are for yourself -- married in a year, two, whatever. Kids by age ??. You see what he has to say about all that. If he doesn't have the same or similar goals, you tell him you're moving on. If he says he's on the same page, you set a mental time limit for yourself -- 6 months maybe. tops. If he doesn't ask you to marry him in that time frame, you tell him you're moving on.

 

He needs to have some kind of heads up that you aren't going to sit around giving him the milk for free forever. Not an ultimatum. A serious conversation so he understand your goals and, if he's serious about you, he'll hear it and understand that you've got a plan for your own future too. But have that conversation and be firm/steadfast.

 

Also, find yourself your own place to live as soon as possible. If that can happen by the time you have the conversation outlined above, that would be ideal. Conversation, go into your own place = serious about what you're saying.

 

 

Don't string yourself along.

[Calmandfocused]

Op, this Behaviour/ attitude is outrageous, disrespectful and, frankly, weird.

 

You boyfriend lives with you, shares a bed with you, eats with you, spends his free time with you .... yet he won’t call you his girlfriend! Is he for real?

 

Does he not understand that calling you his girlfriend is not really a commitment but living with you is? Choosing to move in with a partner is a huge commitment.

 

You know this is what I think is going on: he wants to maintain the “single” label so he can use it as his get out of jail free card. Don’t be surprised if you find out hes cheating on you at some point in the future. His response will then be “ well I am single and I told you I didn’t want to commit to you” He’s down nothing wrong then you see? It will all be your fault, not his.

 

Sorry op, but it’s a big thumbs down from me.

[TheLight86]

Why did you let a guy who isn't committed to you move in? Commitment comes before cohabitation.

 

I moved in because well we talked about it and we had been dating for 6 months at the time and he was already coming over my apartment everyday after work and he stayed over every weekend Friday-sunday. So when I got the notice that I had to be out of my condo at such a short notice I didn't have much of a choice. I didn't have the funds to put up for another place. He had been trying to get an apartment but didn't want to go broke footing the money and I didn't have the money for a new place so we both figured since we are already together all the time and we care about each other why not help each other out. The way he was talking at the time I was under the impression that he was going to have made up his mind cause he said were going to be in a relationship soon I just need more time at six months that what he said and I believed him....

[FMW]

You were absolutely right to tell him he needed to make a decision. Don't back down and have the strength to walk away if he's still wishy washy when you ask his decision.

[TheLight86]

Make good on your plans to move out in 6 months.

 

With you being there 24/7, he has no incentive to move the needle towards "we are in a relationship" because you're already there in his space without any real negotiation towards him recognizing your relationship.

 

And for all things good and holy, DO. NOT. BECOME. HIS. WIFEY. That means no being his cook, laundress, housekeeper without him reciprocating with something way more concrete than what he's so far presented to you.

 

 

 

Define "altercations", please.

 

Well we went to the navy pier and well im anemic and we were driving around all day and I hadn't eaten. He wanted to go on the boat ride but arrived there kinda late. I told him I needed to eat I was feeling weak. He said we can eat later we trying to do the boat ride because the last one is in 20minutes. So I walked off and went and got me something to eat but I didn't tell them were I went. He got upset and got into an argument because I walked off and didn't tell anyone were I went. When I told him I was hungry and was feeling good and needed to eat. He was furious....the boat ride ended up being not so good cause we werent' speaking and everyone could feel the tension (his mom and bro n sis) but she said she understood his reason but that he was making more of it than what it was. She said he didn't have to speak to you in that way. Most of the trip I was sad because he said I was being anti social and not talking to his other family. I spoke when I was spoken to but you see I have social anxiety and when im upset I dont deal too well being around a lot of ppl especially ppl I dont know. His family isn't stupid though they knew why I was a lil upset he just didn't know they knew, of course he blames me for it all and not his temper or well attitude. I just felt both ppl had a part. He should have watched his mouth and handled his anger better and I should of communicated my were-abouts better and been in control of my emotions better when im upset to so that others dont know there is something wrong who shouldn't ya know.

[TheLight86]

You sit him down, you tell him you love him and see a future with him. Then you tell him what you're goals are for yourself -- married in a year, two, whatever. Kids by age ??. You see what he has to say about all that. If he doesn't have the same or similar goals, you tell him you're moving on. If he says he's on the same page, you set a mental time limit for yourself -- 6 months maybe. tops. If he doesn't ask you to marry him in that time frame, you tell him you're moving on.

 

He needs to have some kind of heads up that you aren't going to sit around giving him the milk for free forever. Not an ultimatum. A serious conversation so he understand your goals and, if he's serious about you, he'll hear it and understand that you've got a plan for your own future too. But have that conversation and be firm/steadfast.

 

Also, find yourself your own place to live as soon as possible. If that can happen by the time you have the conversation outlined above, that would be ideal. Conversation, go into your own place = serious about what you're saying.

 

Yeah im going to ask him SUnday his decision if he doesn't choose us then im moving my bed out of our room to the guest bedroom, and giving him the twin bed to put in the room we both currently sleep in and im going to pick up a second job so that I can get my own place a lot sooner. Im going to just be to myself till I can move out. Its not going to be one of those things were he says no and I still sleep with him, wash dishes, and clean and wash his clothes and etc. Im basically going to stay gone and and just sleep there in guest room if he says no till I can get my own. Im prepared to hear No cause I know that its a big chance that he will say that.

Edited September 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheLight86]

You were absolutely right to tell him he needed to make a decision. Don't back down and have the strength to walk away if he's still wishy washy when you ask his decision.

 

Trust me Im not Im not going to do everything clean up, pick up after you, love you, sex you, and just give all my time and energy anymore for nothing. If im not special enough to be your one and only then hey its his loss because he will be loosing someone who always excepted him for who he is and never made him feel less of a man. No matter how mean he was I still stayed and worked it out and loved him anyway not too many women are going to do what I do and he will see that after me if he walks so...

[Redhead14]

Yeah im going to ask him SUnday his decision if he doesn't choose us then im moving my bed out of our room to the guest bedroom, and giving him the twin bed to put in the room we both currently sleep in and im going to pick up a second job so that I can get my own place a lot sooner. Im going to just be to myself till I can move out. Its not going to be one of those things were he says no and I still sleep with him, wash dishes, and clean and wash his clothes and etc. Im basically going to stay gone and and just sleep there in guest room if he says no till I can get my own. Im prepared to hear No cause I know that its a big chance that he will say that.

 

 

Don't ASK him anything. Make a statement - "I have invested enough time in this relationship to know that I am ready for a committed relationship with you". PERIOD. Then you let him talk. If he's wishy washy, wants more time, etc., you tell him you're out. That's it.

 

If he gets crappy about staying there, go stay with a friend and find a place quickly. It sounds like it's his place unless you're on the lease. That's a different thing all together.

[elaine567]

You did what so many women do in this situation.

You assumed.

 

Woman think moving in= commitment, first step to marriage.

Men often just see moving in = regular sex, tidy home, meals cooked...etc.

 

Here he is not even seeing your "relationship" as bf/gf, he told you he is "single", and he meant it. He is keeping you on board with the future and marriage talk, but when the chips are down he is "single" again...

He is a player, you can't make a father and husband out of a player. As soon as you knew he had a different women in his bed every other week, you should have ran far, far away...

[scooby-philly]

Don't ASK him anything. Make a statement - "I have invested enough time in this relationship to know that I am ready for a committed relationship with you". PERIOD. Then you let him talk. If he's wishy washy, wants more time, etc., you tell him you're out. That's it.

 

If he gets crappy about staying there, go stay with a friend and find a place quickly. It sounds like it's his place unless you're on the lease. That's a different thing all together.

 

And to add to this, the best perspective I've seen (though they're all on point) - if he says yes, then you have to monitor his actions - he could say yes because he's afraid of losing you, not because he wants you. At that point, he could start cheating, it could lead to a break up anyway, or unnecessary drama/stress or some combo thereof. Put your foot down and if he says yes - then it's 3-6 months of observing his behaviors and his language - because even if he's faithful if he really didn't want it but has a fear of losing people, then he could become resentful.

[kendahke]

I moved in because well we talked about it and we had been dating for 6 months at the time and he was already coming over my apartment everyday after work and he stayed over every weekend Friday-sunday. So when I got the notice that I had to be out of my condo at such a short notice I didn't have much of a choice. I didn't have the funds to put up for another place. He had been trying to get an apartment but didn't want to go broke footing the money and I didn't have the money for a new place so we both figured since we are already together all the time and we care about each other why not help each other out. The way he was talking at the time I was under the impression that he was going to have made up his mind cause he said were going to be in a relationship soon I just need more time at six months that what he said and I believed him....

 

#1: BUILD AN EMERGENCY FUND so you're not caught out and not at anyone's mercy for a place to lay your head at night. If that means working 2-3 jobs to amass the money, do it. As long as he's not wanting to call you his girlfriend, you need to be about tying your time up getting that coin.

 

#2: Unfortunately, you didn't negotiate for his recognition before you placed yourself on the losing end of this deal. He doesn't have to say anything to you about being his girlfriend now because where are you going to go?

 

#3: never assume someone is going in one direction because they more than likely are not going that way at all. You always have to directly ask them and never be afraid to get that information because it affects where you lay your head at night.

 

#4: how he acted when you both had your individual places to live has nothing to do with how he acts now that you're in his space all the time.

 

#5: talk is cheap... he'll tell you anything to keep access to your sex.

[Tamfana]

Redhead14 is exactly right, especially well said: "A serious conversation so he understand your goals and, if he's serious about you, he'll hear it and understand that you've got a plan for your own future too."

 

...No matter how mean he was I still stayed...

 

Wait... what? He's mean? Oh no, that's important and changes the whole discussion.

Edited September 13, 2019 by Tamfana

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I moved in because well we talked about it and we had been dating for 6 months at the time and he was already coming over my apartment everyday after work and he stayed over every weekend Friday-sunday. So when I got the notice that I had to be out of my condo at such a short notice I didn't have much of a choice. I didn't have the funds to put up for another place. He had been trying to get an apartment but didn't want to go broke footing the money and I didn't have the money for a new place so we both figured since we are already together all the time and we care about each other why not help each other out. The way he was talking at the time I was under the impression that he was going to have made up his mind cause he said were going to be in a relationship soon I just need more time at six months that what he said and I believed him....

 

So, If i am getting the jyst of what you are saying here... Basically, if you are not his girlfriend, then you need to move out? Or rather, if he is not receiving the privileges of being romantically involved with you, as opposed to just being roommates, then he is going to ask you to leave?

 

I don't understand why you would want to... Force it, especially when you already live together. If you two live together and it doesn't just naturally happen, it is NOT going to happen, period... I know this is a hard pill to swallow, but it is the truth.

[Redhead14]

No matter how mean he was I still stayed and worked it out and loved him anyway not too many women are going to do what I do.

 

 

Good lord! TheLight86, this statement is so telling about your situation and should have been highlighted earlier!!!!!!!

 

You're right not too many women would do what you do unless they are used to be abused and manipulated and have some self-esteem issues. Get out of that place right now and end this once and for all. There is no way in hell that statement should be coming from you and be able to justify wanting a commitment from him.

 

You're not his girlfriend PERIOD. I always tell women that they should never do a man's laundry if he isn't your husband (and even then, he should do it once in a while anyway).

 

Get out now. There is no dignity in being a "ride or die" girl. Those women usually end up feeling very lonely, put upon and exhausted. It's not mentally and emotionally sustainable. They usually have other deeper issues that need to be addressed. Don't be one of them.

Edited September 14, 2019 by Redhead14

[SumGuy]

...

I thought his logic was stupid, and I said you shouldn't have to. I asked him what is the point in us going forward if your going to do this and not commit. ...

 

 

His logic is stupid. It's not logic he just wants to have his cake and eat it to.

That's the kind way for me to say it.

You are absolutely right.

Once you cohabitate that does mean exclusivity and not looking around. Doesn't matter what label he wants or does not want to put on it. When you share the same bed every night exclusivity and not looking for others is the baseline.

Looking around means you are open to sleeping around, that is the natural consequence of looking around and people intend the natural consequences of their actions (despite protestations to the contrary).

Of course sleeping around is not OK when you live with someone.

[spiderowl]

I am glad you sound like you have thought this out now and will not stay to be in an uncommitted relationship.

 

You should never have to put up with him being mean. You deserve more respect than that.

 

Think very carefully before you decide to stay with this guy. He is not a caring man. He knew you were feeling faint and yet he insisted you all go on the boat first. He did not care about how you felt. This is a big red flag! He may have been preoccupied with his family being there and all that, but still, he should not expect you to do anything but sit and rest while he looks after you if you are feeling faint. He should have offered you a seat and offered to get you some food.

 

It seems his family thought he was rude too, if I am interpreting your post correctly.

 

I do not think you should give him a deadline but that you should have one in your mind that you will stick to if he does not want further commitment. It is worth talking to him about what you need from a relationship and mentioning that is what you need. You need to let him know that you will not stay in an uncommitted relationship for long. He will then have to figure out for himself whether he is going to be more or less committed. But essentially commitment comes from the heart and if his heart is not in it, there is little you can do about that.

 

Having said that, what you can do is to ensure he respects you more. Respect is important for love to flourish. If he thinks he can get away with treating you badly, he may remain uncommitted because deep down he is looking for a woman that will not put up with his worst side. In the short term, once you have let him know you will not be staying without commitment, you can quietly remove your attention from him whenever his behaviour falls short of being kind and respectful. He will start to realise that suddenly you are not there and responding to him when he behaves badly. It will register on some level and he will have to rethink his behaviour.

 

Good luck!

[Watercolors]

I understand that you thought moving in w/him was the right move b/c your condo was foreclosed and you didn't have the funds to put a deposit down on a place for yourself. I think the wiser choice would have been to select a roommate from Craigslist instead of moving in with this guy. Chi-town is a HUGE place so you had options.

 

I think you need to look for a roommate right now. One that doesn't require a deposit, just one month's rent. Do you have those funds available? Time is of the essence here.

 

This guy you've living with sounds like a real player from everything you've written about him. He sounds like a total commitment phobe. A guy who sleeps around is not going to suddenly stop doing that because he's living with another woman? I've seen too many Jerry Sprinter episodes that defunct the myth that cohabitation = commitment. It never does especially for a guy like this who outright told you he used to sleep with multiple women at the same time.

 

Have you ever heard of the expression, "a leopard never changes its spots?" This leopard you're living with hasn't changed and isn't going to, if he's refusing to commit to you long-term.

 

Get out of there as soon as you can. Find a roommate situation where you can move in asap and split up the first month's rent into a few payments. Waiting for this guy to commit to you, is like waiting for Godot. It's never going to happen. I'm sorry but he does not sound like a very good person.