Patty26 Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Hello All, I am 27 years old, my longest relationship lasted 5 months and was not very intimate (emotionally and physically). Recently I've noticed that when I date guys I focus on their flaws and I act cold and distant... but once I break up with them or they reject me, immidately I want them so bad.. and obsess over them, start to think they were perfect for me and I fell urge to chase them (I never act on it though). I've realised it just now.. I also used to "fall in love" with my bosses, teachers at school and university - so basically man who are not available. I have bad relationship with my father and he's been always unavailable and criticising me all the time. Does anyone have this issue? Is therapy the only solution?
schlumpy Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 I don't see how you acting lovey dovey towards these guys after you dump them is good for an LTR so if you can't self-correct then yes I think that therapy is your only option.
Redhead14 Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 (edited) I've realised it just now.. I also used to "fall in love" with my bosses, teachers at school and university - so basically man who are not available. I have bad relationship with my father and he's been always unavailable and criticising me all the time. Does anyone have this issue? Is therapy the only solution? I suspect there is a little bit of a dual morbidity going on. You fall in love with bosses and teachers because they are "father/authority" figures and you want to replace your father. They represent a "better" version of your father. They represent the characteristics you want in your father. Secondary to that situation is that there is some conflict between you and your father and likely resentment so it's difficult for you to make a real connection with a man. I recommend therapy. You need to talk through this with someone face to face and on a regular basis for at least a little while. I also recommend sitting down with your father and finding a way to work on a better relationship with him. If he is unable or unwilling to do that, then you need to steel yourself and claim your right as an adult and accept that you do not have his support. And, then you need to learn how to leave it and not project that issue onto other men in your life. Edited September 13, 2019 by Redhead14 1
mortensorchid Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 This is a classic problem that most any therapist can tell you they deal with all the time. Know what this is all about? You have Monica Lewinsky Syndrome - low self esteem, going for unavailable men, and thinking that by being with an unavailable person this gives you power. But did it for Monica? Hell naw, it made her a laughing stock. So go see a therapist, you need to.
d0nnivain Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 I had commitment issues in college. I loved the thrill of the chase. When you do get in a relationship, instead of focusing on the guy's flaws, make a point of thinking about his good qualities at least once per day. When you fall back into old habit of being negative recognize what you are doing & think about a guy's good qualities for counterbalance.
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 You should try therapy....you are the type of personality that will easily get locked into an abusive relationship. Dopamine gets released when you are rejected, ignored, refused....that is very dangerous.
scooby-philly Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 @d0nnivain - it's not that easy if you've been conditioned over 27 years. You have a valid point, but early in recovery from that you need a good plan with solid people in place to help, friends, other family members, a therapist. @redhead14 - totally agree with your last line. People often ruin relationships because they never realize or even if it they do (or someone points it out) that they treat people who treat them nicely the same way they treat people who treat them poorly. My recent ex-gf and I had this conversation numerous times. She still lives at home with her parents and she would treat me like **** at times because that's how she learned to treat her parents. Well, I may not be perfect but I certainly treated her well - multiple times better than her parents do - but yet, still got treated like crap at times. OP, A little therapy never hurt anyone! Second, you can also do some self-reflection and learning - a number of books - some old, some new - "Attached", "Healing the Shame that Binds You", etc. come to mind. It sounds like you have an dismissive attachment style and that there's plenty of unresolved stuff from your relationship with your father you need to work through. Don't let us diagnose it alone - even if you only see a therapist a few times - at least she or he would be able to diagnose issues even if you can't afford to keep it going to have them help you work through it.
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