IDB_2017 Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Recently, my partner and I attended a function and the night didn't go too well for us. My partner likes to dance whereas I feel quite awkward dancing, particularly because I am not into mainstream music. I just struggle to 'get into it' like other people do. Nonetheless, I do make myself dance to satisfy the social acceptance of it, at least for a while. I would also like to be better in these situations so I can do it without feeling awkward. Unfortunately, there were a few comments made throughout the night that hit my self-confidence. It was the first time I was meeting some family members of my SO's, and she had warned me that they were quite sarcastic and probably would try to wind her up. It's just what they do. Anyway, they made a comment firstly about my tie (it was neat but not a 'professional' knot). This was completely flippant, and not said nastily at all, but it did make me a little self-conscious because I really hadn't thought about it. Secondly, when we started dancing, another family member suggesting I needed to liven up more and get into it, trying to get me to move my feet more. Again, I kept calm and just smiled/laughed and said my dancing doesn't get much more lively. But, internally, it again made me more self-conscious. Thirdly, a random stranger on the dance floor turned to me and said I looked scared and uncomfortable dancing. At this point, I felt so uncomfortable and self-conscious I started to panic a little and just left the dance floor to get some air outside for 10 minutes. My partner came looking for me a few times and eventually found me. She saw that I was a bit upset, and I just explained that I felt really uncomfortable and it had started with some comments made by her family, which I understand were said sarcastically but nevertheless affected my self-confidence at a time when I don't feel too confident anyway (dancing). When I am like this, I often like to have some time by myself and don't like to hold hands/hug. Unfortunately, my partner took it that the night had been a bit of a disaster for me and I was angry at her, so she left me and went back in. She spent the remainder of the night dancing with her friends and family, which is fine, but I was left to sit with strangers, where I felt even more uncomfortable. We argued about it later (not my intention, but my partner brought it up in quite a passive manner), because my partner thought I had fallen out with her and her family, and thought I would want to just leave in the morning and not spend any more time with them. I explained that that wasn't the case, it was just a perfect storm of little things that stacked up and made me reach a point where I felt extremely uncomfortable. I also said that I hadn't planned to do this, and that I felt like my feelings weren't being respected with regard to what was said to me that evening. She angrily said that her family is sarcastic and don't 'do feelings' very well, which came across at the time that she was being insensitive towards me. I was expecting that we might break up the next day. Anyway, we spoke the next day properly and worked things out. We communicated about what we both needed in those situations. She emphasised that I don't need to dance if I don't want to, and I said I would have liked us to check in with each other if that happens to make it clear we are thinking about each other so we avoid going to bed angry. After having some time to mull it over, I still feel strange about it. I feel like if it was the other way around, I wouldn't have left her to sit all night. I don't think I would have let my family members say anything sarcastic about what she was wearing either, particularly the first time they had met. I guess I feel a little bit uncared for that evening - like I didn't receive that much support or feelings of safety in a setting when I needed some reassurance. However, I can't work out if it is myself projecting my worries over dancing and how I acted, or something to do about how we communicated afterwards and how she behaved towards me. Thanks for reading
scooby-philly Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Recently, my partner and I attended a function and the night didn't go too well for us. My partner likes to dance whereas I feel quite awkward dancing, particularly because I am not into mainstream music. I just struggle to 'get into it' like other people do. Nonetheless, I do make myself dance to satisfy the social acceptance of it, at least for a while. I would also like to be better in these situations so I can do it without feeling awkward. Unfortunately, there were a few comments made throughout the night that hit my self-confidence. It was the first time I was meeting some family members of my SO's, and she had warned me that they were quite sarcastic and probably would try to wind her up. It's just what they do. Anyway, they made a comment firstly about my tie (it was neat but not a 'professional' knot). This was completely flippant, and not said nastily at all, but it did make me a little self-conscious because I really hadn't thought about it. Secondly, when we started dancing, another family member suggesting I needed to liven up more and get into it, trying to get me to move my feet more. Again, I kept calm and just smiled/laughed and said my dancing doesn't get much more lively. But, internally, it again made me more self-conscious. Thirdly, a random stranger on the dance floor turned to me and said I looked scared and uncomfortable dancing. At this point, I felt so uncomfortable and self-conscious I started to panic a little and just left the dance floor to get some air outside for 10 minutes. My partner came looking for me a few times and eventually found me. She saw that I was a bit upset, and I just explained that I felt really uncomfortable and it had started with some comments made by her family, which I understand were said sarcastically but nevertheless affected my self-confidence at a time when I don't feel too confident anyway (dancing). When I am like this, I often like to have some time by myself and don't like to hold hands/hug. Unfortunately, my partner took it that the night had been a bit of a disaster for me and I was angry at her, so she left me and went back in. She spent the remainder of the night dancing with her friends and family, which is fine, but I was left to sit with strangers, where I felt even more uncomfortable. We argued about it later (not my intention, but my partner brought it up in quite a passive manner), because my partner thought I had fallen out with her and her family, and thought I would want to just leave in the morning and not spend any more time with them. I explained that that wasn't the case, it was just a perfect storm of little things that stacked up and made me reach a point where I felt extremely uncomfortable. I also said that I hadn't planned to do this, and that I felt like my feelings weren't being respected with regard to what was said to me that evening. She angrily said that her family is sarcastic and don't 'do feelings' very well, which came across at the time that she was being insensitive towards me. I was expecting that we might break up the next day. Anyway, we spoke the next day properly and worked things out. We communicated about what we both needed in those situations. She emphasised that I don't need to dance if I don't want to, and I said I would have liked us to check in with each other if that happens to make it clear we are thinking about each other so we avoid going to bed angry. After having some time to mull it over, I still feel strange about it. I feel like if it was the other way around, I wouldn't have left her to sit all night. I don't think I would have let my family members say anything sarcastic about what she was wearing either, particularly the first time they had met. I guess I feel a little bit uncared for that evening - like I didn't receive that much support or feelings of safety in a setting when I needed some reassurance. However, I can't work out if it is myself projecting my worries over dancing and how I acted, or something to do about how we communicated afterwards and how she behaved towards me. Thanks for reading OP, It sounds like you guys eventually worked it out in a healthy and positive way, expressing your feelings about what happened in the moment and what you need in those situations in the future. That's all good stuff. Moving forward it would be important to consider the larger picture. It's naturally for a lot of people, especially guys, to feel uncomfortable dancing. Learning to loosen up a bit about it would be helpful no matter what your relationship situation is. But more importantly - I think the question to consider is with this person's family. You can't change and shouldn't try to change the person you're in a relationship with. But you definitely can't change her family/friends. Now, if you continue to see this woman it would be important to discuss things with her, which you started to, to have her understand that you can take a joke/some light teasing, but that you might need her to recognize and be okay with the fact that if the perfect storm hits or you're having a bad day to start, you will need her to say/do x,y,z. If she is supportive and loves you she'll be agreeable to it and try. You also bring up a good perspective to consider - if the shoe was on the other foot - maybe not the same exact situation with dancing - but a situation where she wasn't having a great time and/or felt the way you did - what would happen. You can bring that point up with her and explain what you would do - or if it's happened - think about what you did do - because there's no point in using that frame of reference if you haven't been supportive. Double standards don't work out well. But...if you have been supportive or realistically know you would be, then tell her and ask her what she would need. There will always be times when one partner is down and out. A good partner will learn and communicate with you on how to support you, but you also have to learn that when you're down it doesn't mean you need to drag your partner with you and/or stop from doing things/having fun. But - it's important that both people treat each other with the same level of respect when it comes to those types of situations where one is down and the other is up. Last point - you can't, as I said before, expect people to try and change their family/friends. Now, if there's a major problem or a consistent pattern that you point out and how it affects you or makes you feel. Perhaps she could have been a little more sensitive to you and your feelings and checked in with you a bit during the night. And she shouldn't have made assumptions about how you felt the next morning about her/her family. But until you're together for a while and/or engage/married - you shouldn't expect her to put up much of a fight with her family - especially when it was your first time meeting them. Hopefully things continue to work out for you as a couple.
kendahke Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Learning to self soothe might be something worthwhile for you to invest in. she had warned me that they were quite sarcastic and probably would try to wind her up. It's just what they do. So it's not like your girlfriend let you walk in blind to her family's ways--she did tell you they like to "play the dozens". Question is: why didn't you believe her and gird yourself for their smart aleck comments? Of course they're going to vet you because they love her and want her happiness. Your feelings are for you to manage, no one else. Secondly, when we started dancing, another family member suggesting I needed to liven up more and get into it, internally, it again made me more self-conscious. Thirdly, a random stranger on the dance floor turned to me and said I looked scared and uncomfortable dancing. At this point, I felt so uncomfortable and self-conscious I started to panic a little and just left the dance floor to get some air outside for 10 minutes. I'd suggest you sign up for some dance lessons if you're that awkward on your feet. It'll give you a lot of confidence on a dance floor. No one is saying you need to be Vadim Muntagirov, but have you ever seen an unconfident danseur noble?
schlumpy Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Yeah. Dance lessons are in order if it's that important to you but let me warn you that if it wasn't your dancing it would be and will be something else. Her family is not going to let up until you participate, ignore them or break up with your GF. While you are learning rhythm while holding that beautiful dance instructor in your arms, think about growing a thicker skin.
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