Shabba888 Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Please excuse the long post. For the past month I've been seeing a guy I met at the gym. I like him it's and it's going well. The only issue is he told me his ex GF of 5 years (they broke up over 2 years ago) also goes to the same gym. Prior to dating and knowing the guy I would enjoy chatting to his ex but we haven't met outside of the gym. He told me he liked her alot and wanted to marry her but ended up realising she wasn't the one. He told me why they broke up but also said he's trying to respect the fact I know her and hasn't spoken rudely etc. Initially when he told me they were in a serious relationship I was shocked I had no clue. They don't talk/say hi/interact. Since he told me and I see them both at the same time I have this feeling that there is unfinished business. Sometimes when I see him/talk at the gym she may also be present and I find it REALLY hard. I'm not sure what I'm feeling--I don't feel jealous but I feel akward and that I'm in the middle of something. I don't want to upset her by 'shoving' it in her face but at the same time want to act as I would if I didn't know she was there. If I'm honest I find it a bit strange they both go to the gym at the same time but don't interact. They both have 9-5 jobs so can understand why they are both there in the evening. My bf is being nice about it and is listening to how I feel and answers questions I have about it. I asked him if they had unfinished business he said no and that he never wants to go there, its history and something he has 'boxed and forgotten about'. He also said he didn't move gyms when the split up because he was in a new city with no friends and the few friendly ppl he knew went to the gym so he didn't want to give that up. Everything he says seems reasonable and I can understand how he didn't want to change just because she went to the same gym. A part of me thinks if they didn't have unfinished business feelings they would acknowledge each other/be friends/have polite chit chat. I also can't help but think there must be something else I mean they both literally weight lift at the same time. I'm struggling with this at the moment. It's fine when I don't see her but sometimes he will chat/even flirt with him to me and she's literally right behind me. Initially we agreed we would keep it discreet so as not to upset her but as we've got closer naturally we talk more in the gym and I do think she'd have noticed by now. Sometimes I wonder if he's chatting to me to prove a point or 'show off'. I've known him as a gym friend for a few years and it's evolved over the past 6 months. He was in a relationship for a year and a half after he broke up with his ex but she doesn't go to our gym. He knows I find it hard, he's being patient and nice about it. But I just can't shake the uncomfortable feeling. I've had nice chats to the ex GF a few times. Mostly about running etc but neither of us has mentioned his ex. Do you think I'm overreacting? I don't know how to get over it. Any tips appreciated x
ExpatInItaly Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 No, I don't necessarily think they have unfinished business if they don't interact. They simply have nothing to say to each other. Not all exes want to maintain a friendship and it appears that treating each other as strangers is what has worked for them. I don't agree that you're in the middle of anything at this point. Unless and until you have a more tangible reason to believe they are not over each other, I wouldn't stress it. Consider that if they were friendly, you might have trouble with the fact that he is buds with an ex. Of all the things to worry about in a new relationship, the guy not being more friendly to an ex wouldn't even make my list. 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 If he chats with her, you'll think they still want to interact. If he doesn't, you wonder if there's unfinished business. If they go to the same gym, you think they want to be there at the same time. If he stops going there, you wonder if he can't see her because he has feelings. I don't think you can come up with a scenario that makes you completely comfortable. So there's nothing to do but to accept it as is. 3
elaine567 Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 You feel awkward as it's a highly awkward situation. The not talking to each other, the ex befriending you, the ex hanging about, the ex in your conversations, the weight lifting together... it is as if they are performing some weird dance round each other at the gym... I guess your bf is indeed showing off or making a point, big ego boost for him - the ex and the gf in the same place... but hard to say whether he is still "involved" or not, though I have a sneaking suspicion she is not over him. You feel uncomfortable as you feel you are in the middle of "something" and you would be right.
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Why should they interact....it was over 2 years ago, they both choose to not bother knowing each other anymore...and why should they? I have ran it's an ex or two, and I just move right along. I have no need to say hi or anything...it's ancient history. You are over reacting. I'm sure if they did talk, you would be freaking out over it. Damn if he does and damn if he don't. It's all in yer head. So what if they go to the same gym...it's just a coincidence. It would be silly to stop going over someone you used to date from 2 years ago. Relax, there's nothing going on... egad! 1
Author Shabba888 Posted September 13, 2019 Author Posted September 13, 2019 What do you want him to do? Thanks everyone just wanted reassurance/opinions. Not really sure what I want. Just want to be able to interact with him without feeling arkward. If I knew she was seeing someone and happy I'd feel better (but she did tell me she's single) essentially I don't want to shove it in her face and I also rather not they weren't best friends. One of my friends who knows them both said she thought there was tension when she observed the situation. I'm more bothered about learning to deal with my feelings rather than what either of them is thinking/feeling. But thanks Everytime I worry or overthink I will remember this thread.
kendahke Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Not really sure what I want. Just want to be able to interact with him without feeling arkward. why can't you interact with him without feeling awkward? What's preventing you from being authentic? I'm more bothered about learning to deal with my feelings rather than what either of them is thinking/feeling. Best to deal with this sooner rather than later. At some point, you're going to have to deal with your feelings if you want to grow and not stagnate.
Calmandfocused Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Op, I get you completely. Not only does it feel inappropriate but it feels disrespectful to act like you’re a couple when she’s there. I’d feel exactly the same. She may not be your best friend but you know her, you like her and get on with her so you don’t want to rub it in her face. This means you’re a nice person and have the ability to emphathise. Good for you! Sounds like neither are prepared to change gym. The system seems to be working nicely for them. Just a suggestion but why don’t you just tell her? It doesn’t sound like she will particularly care. You’ll then feel less awkward and/ or feel the need to hide it.
d0nnivain Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Rearrange your mindset. You "won". Possession is 9/10 of the law & he is your BF now, not hers. Then kind of ignore her. Don't be rude but stop thinking the world revolves around her.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Not really sure what I want. Just want to be able to interact with him without feeling arkward. If I knew she was seeing someone and happy I'd feel better (but she did tell me she's single) essentially I don't want to shove it in her face and I also rather not they weren't best friends. This isn't exactly your problem. If you were intentionally showing off with him when you knew she is watching, then sure, that would be crappy. But these two broke up two years ago and you are free to interact with him in the way any newly-dating couple might, in the context of being in a public place. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't need to watch. She can manage her own feelings. You worry too much about what other people think and evidently spend too much time trying to mind-read and apply meaning to things without any real basis for doing so. Concentrate on how he treats you.
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