I don’t understand

[Erin2]

Need advice regarding a situation. It’s more of a matter of having closure.

 

A bit of background first. I was in an abusive marriage for many years. My ex was an alcoholic and manipulator. When we first married, I moved across the country with him and left my parents, friends and extended family. We ended up having 2 kids and after they were born, I eventually decided I wanted a divorce. He moved back to our hometown and shortly after, I moved back as well with the kids and I got full custody of them in 2016 and have been a single mom since then.

 

Pursuant to this, in 2016, I began a career with a great company. I met a man at work that I was really interested in, which I know is a huge faux pas to be interested in a colleague, but I couldn’t help be attracted to him. From when we first met, we flirted a lot, i would catch him staring at me at office events and by the end of 2016, we were talking on the phone regularly. We went out to lunch a few times during the work day and also once outside of work, a few days before Christmas. He told me he was reluctant to date a coworker, he didn’t want things getting messy, but he continued talking to me on the phone regularly and I really thought we had a connection.

Being an introvert, i rarely open up to anyone about the details of my life, especially my past with my ex. But I opened up to this man. On New Years 2017, he wished me a happy new year right at midnight. Later that day, my crazy ex broke into my home and waited for me in the dark to get home. I called the police and had him arrested. I told the whole story to this new guy and since then, the conversations started dying. We hardly talked anymore, and he became distant and basically did the “slow fade” kind of thing. A few weeks later I come to find out through coworkers that he started seeing someone. Fast forward a couple years later, him and this woman travelled all over the world and they bought a home together.

I know they are happy and I would never be a home wrecker, but I can’t help but still have feelings for him. I know he probably doesn’t even think of me anymore, but I feel like I never got closure from this situation.

We still work together, but it’s so strange that right after these events, he switched departments.

I want to know why he suddenly stopped talking to me and started seeing this woman. Was it the fact that I had kids or the crazy ex. I feel like I need to know what went wrong or I’ll never be able to move on from this.

[Fair]

Because people don't want drama and are fickle.

 

I would have kept the crazy ex story to myself. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to get into a new relationship with someone with a crazy ex?

[schlumpy]

I don't know his motivations but if he had a strong feeling for you I don't think the crazy EX or the kids would have held him back. He certainly overcame his reluctance to get involved with a colleague.

 

Your closure is knowing that he did not love you the way you needed him to. Please don't let him back into your life if he shows up later. He's made his choice and now you get to make yours.

 

You sound like a great person with a lot going for you. Let him go and move. You have much to offer.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

His silence, distance and clear disinterest is your closure. It doesn't really matter what he decided. At the end of the day, he didn't want to be with you and you deserve someone who does.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You can achieve closure by avoiding the pitfalls of truth... We all have our truths, however, just because it is the truth, does not mean people will exempt you from the consequences of it... Sometimes, the truth can be more destructive than a lie.

 

I myself have been exposed to this type of truth before, where this woman told me her ex was obsessed with her and that truth brought more questions than answers for me... Questions that I felt intrusive asking, sometimes she would even push back, yet, for her to offer this truth and then just withdraw, well, it made me withdraw as well and this is excluding how I felt about this guy potentially focusing his ire onto me, which adds another dimension.

 

Social consequences are often incalculable, but if we remain within a certain framework, we can limit the incalculable.

[Gretchen12]

You only "went out to lunch a few times during the work day and also once outside of work." That's not a romance and far from a relationship. It was only a possibility but you built it up in your mind. His behavior is not unusual because you never actually dated. Your inability to let go of something that never happened, is unusual.

[MsJayne]

I think he met his partner around the same time that you told him about your ex breaking in, just a coincidence, and that's why he moved to a new department because he knew that you'd bonded as friends. Once he met the new woman he realised he needed to fade the friendship because she would have picked up on the attraction between you and it would likely have caused trouble in his new relationship. Sorry, that sounds harsh, but you have to look at it from her point of view, you meet a new guy and he's got this female friend that you just know is secretly wanting him for herself....how would you feel? Would have been fairer to you if he'd told you what was going on so that you could move on, but I'd guess he thought he was doing the right thing by hiding it from you because he knew you were developing strong feelings for him.

It's a bit worrying that it's 2 years down the track and you're still dwelling on it. You have to let go so that you're emotionally available when Mr Right turns up.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he liked you, but not enough to pursue anything serious.

 

Perhaps your ex was a deterrent, but it might simply have been that he didn't feel the same connection with you that you did with him.

 

I would be more curious to understand why this is still eating at you nearly 2 years after the fact.

[kendahke]

You don't get closure from with-out---you get closure from within. There is nothing preventing you from closing the door on this except what you're refusing to let go of for 2 years.

He told me he was reluctant to date a coworker, he didn’t want things getting messy,

 

He doesn't poop where he eats.

 

Even though he still talked to you on the phone, this is as far as he's willing to take things with you---phone conversations aren't full blown romantic relationships. This whole connection thing was in your head and not his.

 

I'd say that your ex's antics scared him off the idea of you. Unfortunate, but there it is. He doesn't know what your ex is capable of and doesn't want to put himself in the crosshairs of your ex's idiocy, which is totally his right. That's the messiness he told you he wanted to avoid dating a coworker.

 

This guy's now wife didn't take anything from you---you were never going to be given a chance because he plainly told you up front he was reluctant to date coworkers.

 

It's time to let this go. You may never get the truth out of him, so you're going to have to make an appointment with a therapist and work this closure out with them.

Edited September 13, 2019 by kendahke

[schlumpy]

Schlumpy,

 

She said her coworkers told her he was dating someone new.

 

She didn’t state he was dating a coworker.

 

Either way, he became interested in someone else. That’s all the closure you will get - which is more than most get.

 

Hi S2B. It's nice to know someone actually reads what I scribble. My reference to "not dating colleagues" was a not a reference to his new squeeze. I was referring to him telling her he didn't date co-workers. In which he meant the OP.

 

I do appreciate your input.

[d0nnivain]

I want to know why he suddenly stopped talking to me and started seeing this woman. Was it the fact that I had kids or the crazy ex. I feel like I need to know what went wrong or I’ll never be able to move on from this.

 

He learned that you have a crazy EX. He didn't want to be involved with that. He's never going to say that to you because to do so would be rude. he is a colleague so he'd prefer to keep things civil & distant.

 

Now you know. . . . move along.

[TheFinalWord]

Just being totally honest here:

 

--You work together

--You're a single mom

--There is baby mamma drama

 

If he does not have kids, most men are going to be reluctant to date a single mom. But add in that you work together and the ex is crazy. Anytime a girl tells me she has a crazy ex, or all her boyfriends were abusive, I bolt because I know she is either the problem (the common denominator is her), or she makes bad decisions.

 

There was nothing more than flirting, so on his end, he doesn't see any need for an explanation.

 

You feel attached because you opened up emotionally to him, and like you said you don't open up to people. You need to guard yourself about who you are emotionally vulnerable to. Because when he barely knows you, but you tell him all of this drama, he doesn't have a context to compare against. All her hears is this girl has a ton of baggage and drama. The ex BF sounds like a serial killer. I wouldn't want to date a woman with a psycho ex that might try to kill me. Especially when I am already reluctant about everything in the first place. He doesn't relate or understand your drama. These are things you need to tell your female friends about, not guys you are interested in attracting. No matter how good a guy makes you feel when you're around him, before you say something, ask yourself is this going to increase or decrease his attraction towards me?

Edited September 13, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Erin2]

Thank you to everyone who responded. The replies are really helpful and it is good to see the situation from an outside perspective.

 

I do not know why, 2 years later, this still eats away at me. Maybe because he was the first man that I fell for after my bad marriage came to an end. I have met other men since this all happened 2 years ago, but I never was able to find anyone that I am as attracted to as this colleague. I don’t know why I’ve idealized him in that way.

 

When we were getting close, I remember it was around Christmas. He was always the one to initiate our conversations and then he started calling me every day. Maybe he needed friendship, or maybe he was attracted to me...I don’t really know. I know that at our company Christmas party, he left early and then texted me that night to check if I got home safe, and he mentioned that he wanted to stay and chat but that another male colleague was always talking to me and he didn’t want to seem like a jealous guy. He also said the whole evening, my boss was bothering him making allegations that we were together and he said he believed that my boss had put the other male colleague up to talking to me purposely in order to make him jealous.

 

We continued talking daily, texting, etc. We saw each other outside work once, then he said he wanted to see me again but he was hesitant because we were colleagues. New Year’s Day, the whole drama went down and I told him about it. Not long after is when he distanced himself, and I think he met his current partner around that time. He then changed departments at work. The department we were in together was a consulting role in engineering and the professional risk is higher than the department he switched to, and that’s the excuse he used to justify switching departments.

[smackie9]

He told you he was not into dating a colleague....he enjoyed keeping it casual with you as to not cross any boundaries. The ex incident may have had a small part in it, but I think he faded when he met this new gal he is seeing now. Him transferring to another department is probably a coincidence.

 

So my conclusion: you were friend zoned and now his attention has shifted to his new relationship.

[Gretchen12]

You need to stop thinking about it. No doubt he liked you but it never really took off. I guess you keep mourning a premature death. You keep thinking what if he gave it a chance. But he didn't. He could have escalated but he didn't.

[Whodatdog]

He may have had some mild interest at the time, but his own rule of not dating co-workers, plus the crazy ex...well, thats enough to say, nope. As was said, the only closure you need is with yourself. Its easy to put people in some fantasy in your mind when there was no relationship to begin with. And thats all this is.

[FMW]

He was the first guy you felt interest for after your divorce. It made everything seem more meaningful to you, especially after a bad marriage.

 

Since you haven't felt much interest in anyone else since, he's the default position for when you think about wanting love/romance.

 

I don't think telling him about your ex showing up was a deciding factor for him in fading out, I think it was simply timing - he met the other woman and for whatever reason felt more of a connection with her and wanted to pursue it without distraction. Your interactions did not have the same impact on him as they had on you because of your vulnerability at the time.

 

Keep meeting other men, when the time and person is right you'll feel the spark. Let go of this other guy, as has been said, so that you are emotionally available to recognize it when it comes along.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like he liked you but then just happened to meet someone else he felt was right for him. I doubt you've done anything wrong. Having a crazy ex in the picture probably didn't help as most guys would be worried about that. It's a shame you have to cope with that.

[Maddie82]

He was reluctant about you from the start and he was honest about that. You never dated and never became exclusive or anything. You only flirted, talked allot and went to lunch a few times. Nothing happened between you. Then he heard about your crazy ex and that sealed the deal for him. It was too messy. He doesn't owe you anything either. Let it go.

[Maddie82]

He also said the whole evening, my boss was bothering him making allegations that we were together and he said he believed that my boss had put the other male colleague up to talking to me purposely in order to make him jealous.

 

This is just bs. No boss would do such a thing. What purpose would that serve? None. Forget about this.

[justwhoiam]

I'm a mom. Am I the only one wondering: where were your children on New Year's Eve while you were out? Were they home alone and the father got there to confront you on it? Just a wild guess, because you didn't mention anything about them. With both parents in the same room: where were the two kids? And you had him arrested, with the police coming in the wee hours, this makes for a big scene in my head. Did they have to witness all that?

 

All that was said in previous posts might be correct or plausible at least. Especially about avoiding unnecessary drama.

 

Also, I'm not a man, but putting myself in the guy's shoes, I'd be very put off by the fact that you had him arrested. Did he break in? Did he have the keys? Did the kids let him in? If my man had his wife arrested, I'd be disconcerted. I'd need to consider all the aspects involved, but I would expect some level of humanity. It's scary. Maybe he was violent and dangerous, but maybe not.

 

I wouldn't want to find out that you lack humanity.

[Erin2]

We were separated for a year before that. He was abusive and had an alcohol addiction. He didn’t have keys, he broke in and waited for me in the dark.

 

I had a restraining order long before he broke into my home that night, that’s why he got arrested.

 

He’s the one who lacked humanity, from the years of torture I had to endure being with him while he drank and became abusive.

 

The kids were at my parents’ house when this happened.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[d0nnivain]

I do not know why, 2 years later, this still eats away at me. Maybe because he was the first man that I fell for after my bad marriage came to an end. I have met other men since this all happened 2 years ago, but I never was able to find anyone that I am as attracted to as this colleague. I don’t know why I’ve idealized him in that way. .

 

This is exactly why you are still hanging on. this guy was a descent guy. You hadn't experienced that in a long while. By comparison to your abusive EX he was a breath of fresh air. Not having had a good man for so long, he must have seemed ideal to you. Hence you connected more deeply then he did & felt blind-sided by his disappearance.

[justwhoiam]

he broke in and waited for me in the dark.

 

I had a restraining order long before he broke into my home that night, that’s why he got arrested.

Then he was dangerous, and who would want to put up with that? You were not in a relationship with your colleague. Had that been a relationship, he would have supported you. But given he barely knew you, he distanced himself.

 

The kids were at my parents’ house when this happened.

At least they were in a safe place

[Erin2]

This is just bs. No boss would do such a thing. What purpose would that serve? None. Forget about this.

 

I agree with you, but why would he make this up?