Should I give up? What is wrong with me?

[d.s.]

If you could read my earlier post at for more insight first:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=581289&postcount=41

 

I am mainly concerned about "The One" girl. I seem to be thinking about her a lot lately. She is one of those beautiful girls that many guys hit on; I am afraid that I am just one of those other guys to her. I really like her personality and find that we really clicked when we went go out together with friends. I have never gotten past the flirt stage (other than clubbing) because I'm too scared. I have never been able to get her to go out alone with me though. We are culturally different both in terms of religion and race. It doesn't really bother me- but I am afraid that it may bother her. A lot of people tell me that this girl uses people. I think I got to the stage where I don't even mind if she uses me because I like her so much (pitiful I know). Everyone thinks that I am such an amazing person and I am wasting my time with this girl. I can't seem to let her go. She seems to have too much in common in terms of her personality and lifestyle with me. I am scared to tell her how I feel because I don't want to get shot down because I have to still work with her and see her at school for another year. I don't think I would be able to handle being shot down knowing that I am so concerned about my "pride".

 

I am really good friends with her best friend- we once had a discussion about this last year and she told me that it seemed like we liked each other. I was with my girlfriend at the time, but I decided to bring the topic up with "the one" girl. I started the discussion in the the third person .... therefore I couldn't really get shot down... but apparantely she didn't feel the same way. I seem to be getting mixed signals from her. We still flirt a lot, smile with glows, and look deeply into each others eyes when we talk. I think this girl is also one of those chicks that like the attention- but I don't want to just be another guy to her. I like this girl beyond even my imagination and I keep defending her when people talk bad about her. I feel so hurt and wonder why I am not good enough, or what I am doing wrong.

 

So my questions are:

1.how do I know if I really like this girl or if it's just infactuation?

2.is this girl using me? what do I do if she is?

3.should I keep giving this girl all my attention?

4.will this never happen-should I give up?

 

Feel free to comment on anything... I know my previous post was extremely long but it should give you an idea of where I am coming from and my next to nothing experience with relationships.

 

 

Thanks~

[GuySimple]

Maybe I’m getting too old for such a pursuit, but is there no other girl out there that would cause you less uncertainty and grief? If you feel this way in such an early stage of your relationship what are you going to feel like after you’ve really given this person your heart?

[d.s.]

You seem to be right in that context. However, most girls I meet don't seem compatible with me. It's like I found that dream girl who you think meets all your expectations. I am not saying she doesn't have flaws; she has many. I fear that if I give up on her, I may regret it forever. I am not sure if she is ready to be in a relationship. I am not even sure I am ready to be in a relationship- all I know is that I want her to see past "just another guy hitting on her". I don't want to rush into anything and screw it up.

 

Maybe it is too much grief; I said earlier I felt like I was trying too hard to be with this girl. It felt wrong at some point. I know so many other girls who want to be with me, but I don't really go for it because I look mainly for "long term" relationships. Since I am looking for those "long term" relationships, I look for certain qualities in a person that many tend to overlook.

 

You are also right about what may happen if I do finally get with this girl. I may become the crazy jealous boyfriend as too many guys tend to hit on her. I believe that you have to work on trust in any relationship so therefore it can be applicable to anyone as well.

 

Thanks so much for the input, however, I am still confused!

[d'Arthez]

So my questions are:

1.how do I know if I really like this girl or if it's just infactuation?

Well, you seem to grasp quite a few of her flaws, and in infatuation you would either be blind to that, or deem the flaws of no importance. It could be infatuation. But even if it were not, there is a real possibility that you are deluding yourself in thinking that you like her. For example, construe her different from who and what she really is.

 

2.is this girl using me? what do I do if she is?

Maybe. It really depends on what you are giving to her, and whether you are expecting anything in return. And if she does use you, (you may not notice that at all or mind that) as you have written she will keep on using you as long as you offer her rewards for that. In short, the moment you would realize she is using you, you should keep your distance.

 

I think this girl is also one of those chicks that like the attention

Which explains why she does not mind to flirt with you at all. A lot of (young) women are not conscious of how their behavior is interpreted by young men. These get confused, and think there is a potential for a relationship, while she will perceive her behavior as simply friendly behavior.

 

3.should I keep giving this girl all my attention?

No.

4.will this never happen-should I give up?

It may happen, but based on this post alone, I would not count on that. The mixed signals you are talking about are probably even an over-estimation of her interest in you.

 

But perhaps I am a bit too pessimistic now.

[d.s.]

Thank you so much for the reply.

 

I think that I am infact infatuated with this person but I am deluding myself. If it was any other girl with the same flaws I think I would not even think twice. I was telling myself it was her personality and lifestyle that outweighed all the negative things about her. Sounds funny now that I think about it!!!

 

I know this girl is using me; but I choose to do nothing about it! I am pathetic. I find that too many people use me. It is hard to make real friends coming from my background (smart, rich, etc..) The thing is I let myself be used hoping for the best in people. Some people never change. I don't know what I was thinking to even consider this girl when so many people told me she uses people. What is sad is that I know that I will continue to allow this girl to use me.... (HELP WHAT DO I DO????)

 

You are right, maybe I misinterpreted the signals and thought too much of it. Then again, everyone around us also noticed the "chemistry" between us. I guess that I should have crossed her out when I realized that she was using me. I should have also crossed her out when I had the slight feeling that religion and race would be a factor as well.

 

I have decided that I will stop giving this girl all my attention. I think so many other people would appreciate what I do. I just feel so hurt and unappreciated. I thought that maybe this girl was shy as well so she couldn't actually tell me she liked me either. I think I have made some terrible choices and have been a wrong judge of character.

 

I think that this post has finally helped me realize that I should give up on this girl. I just hope that what I say is not just words and that I will be able to control my emotions better.

 

Thank you so much for your input and your time

[d.s.]

I tried to ignore this girl but unfortunately I see her all the time at school so I keep falling down this never ending pit of thinking of her all the time. I constantly smile and look at her.

 

I am alone with her sometimes, but it always seems to be school related. Even if I drop her home, or have breakfast or lunch it seems to be school related. The weird part about this girl is she always tends to say she'll take the bus when I offer her a ride... I have to like insist to offer her a ride.

 

I finally had the guts to ask this girl out. I basically called her really late at night after talking to her on msn, and asked her if she "trusted me". She said "I don't know" ... then I said, "what you don't trust me?" ... then she " Now I don't trust you"... then I said, "you went from I don't know to no" ... then she said she "trusted me". I asked her when she was free and told her I wanted to surprise her for tomorrow night. I told her I wanted to take her out from dinner anytime from 7:00-10:00pm for about an hour or so. I didn't tell her where but I asked her to make sure she doesn't cancel on me. She promised she wouldn't cancel on me and she seemed sorta happy that I asked her.

 

Tomorrow comes along and she ends up cancelling on me saying she is sleepy. I told her it is okay not to worry about it. She kept saying she was really tired cause she slept at 3:00am. (she woke up at 10:00am - I went to bed at 4:00am and woke up at 6:00am but I was still so eager to go) Anywayz, I told her it didn't matter but she said we should go Sunday since she was busy all the other days. I told her not to worry that I didn't want her to be tired and sleepy when we went out. BASICALLY she cancelled on me; I have this weird feeling that she is not capable of saying NO to me or anyone for that matter. That same day she and her friend invited me to watch a movie at there place.... "a old 3 hour long movie"... I didn't want to go... but I still went... we stayed up until 12:30am to watch it... SO I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DIDN'T GO WITH ME FOR DINNER???

 

Do you guys think I should remind her about the dinner on sunday or forget it? I did finally have the guts to ask her out after the longest time; but I felt really bad when cancelled on me. After speaking to my friend about it, if she really want to go, she would have done anything to be there. I actually planned to get her a flower and take her to a really nice restaurant. Now I feel so hurt.

 

I told you guys I know this girl's best friend ; I spoke to her about this. I know she does not want to get involved because she really likes both of us as friends. The girl I like is probably her best female friend; I am probably her best male friend. She told me that I would end up hating this girl and it would break my friendship with herself. She basically thought the relationship was not a good idea.

 

She also told me that this girl is unable to go out on a date alone, she always brings her to tag along because she is afraid. Girls out there.... what does this mean????

 

I would appreciate any advice you can give me; I am really confused and do not even know where I stand. I am once again in the same situation where everyone thinks I am wasting my time with this girl... WHY CAN I NOT STOP?? I keep giving her so many chances; I keep getting hurt everytime ... I hurt everyone around me by still choosing her over everyone else... What do I do?

[fusangite]

What can we say? You know the right thing to do; if you really can't exercise basic control over your behaviour, get some counselling while you're still young enough that it's free.

[europimp]

I know what you're going through. One of my best female friends is the person I had a crush on. Long story short, I asked her to prom, she said yes, cancelled after finding out how much I liked her to "preserve the friendship", we didn't talk for a few months. Now we're good friends again, but that's awhile later.

 

Not exactly the same situation as you, but similar. Keeping in mind that this is an opinion and nothing more; I say that it's probably best for you to get over this and move on with your life.

 

Barring that as a possibility, a first date is not an elaborate fancy dinner with flowers and all that, in high school at least (and in college where $$ matters more), but go do something where its not so formal, where you can get to know each other. First date could be something simple, go for coffee and find stuff to do where you can be yourself. You seem to like her a lot, and you need to get to know each other and what you're like together, and unless you plan on having formal meals every time you see each other it's probably not the best of ideas to start off that way.

 

Casual is the way to go for now.

 

Now that the actual "date" is out of the way there are a few more things that I want to note.

 

You say you have to insist to give her a ride home. This seems to be a HUGE red flag. If she didn't like you; if she was just using you; she would take the ride home and be happy that she got something else out of you. On the other hand, if she liked you, she would be stupid to not take a ride home from you. Especially if, from what I read at least, you've given her a few/many rides home. It seems that what this shows is that she is just not interested.

 

I can see that some girls are afraid to go out on dates with people they don't know on a first date alone. This doesn't apply here though; from what you say you've known her for awhile, and you've hung out with her before and given her rides places, so she should trust you. This makes it curious that she asked you to join her and her friend for a movie. Was the movie like a "make up date?" Did you sit next to each other, talk with each other at all, etc. ? This needs some more explanation I think.

 

Just a general weird possibility vibe I'm getting though; I haven't known any girls that cancel dates with people only to invite them over the same day with the addition of another friend. Is it possible at all that the best friend of the girl you like likes you? If so then the movie would make much more sense to me, perhaps she didn't want to hurt her friend by going out with someone she liked, and maybe she used the knowlege that you had no other plans that night to perhaps get her friend and you to know each other more; but that doesn't make sense either because you said that you were her best male friend... well I suppose it could make some sense.

 

It's a strange situation and all I have to offer is my input...

 

Best of luck;

 

-Euro

[d.s.]

Hi Everyone!

 

Thank you all so much for the advice. I have realized that this person I like is a Narcissist. I have also concluded that I was being used and was deluding myself for the longest time. There was never anything in this relationship. I finally came to my senses and did something I should have done a long time ago. I decided to bring up the topic of this girl using me in the conversation. I think this was the best thing I could have done. Obviously she got upset; I apologized; but she had too much of an ego to do the thesis with me after what I said. What a brilliant plan ehn? I also dropped all the subjects I had with her just before. I have decided to go NO CONTACT with her. I am really happy and feel really confident now. I really lost by dropping those subjects, but I finally realized that I could never win. I had to accept a loss in order to get out!! Although my ego and self-esteem are at an ultimate low, I think I will win in the long run!

 

Thank you all so much!!

 

d.s.