Dating a guy who plays a lot of video games and not as motivated. Am I overreacting?

[adilaurentis]

The guy I've been with for almost a year loves video games more than anything else in the world and sometimes I don't quite get it. Even his family and old friends would attest that the only thing that he's ever been driven to get or motivated to work for as a kid were video games.

 

I admit that when he plays he's completely focused and I feel a bit neglected since it's usually very long hours. Sometimes I don't mind as much if I want to do my own things or want some alone time. However, essentially I just don't think I like seeing the whole visual of him playing because it reminds me of a man-child, a bum, and someone who's a piece of garbage glued to the TV (sometimes late at night) and absent-minded about his work.

 

It also bothers me when he's completely bored at work and also doesn't want to do better or become completely unmotivated in life, and then his only solution would be more video games. I especially hate the scene of him in the morning yawning and lazy, if he's stayed up late the previous night on video games.

 

Now, I understand that a lot of men like video games but I feel the influence and degree of obsession vary among people. I know many men who play video games as a hobby and are still able to balance family life and their job fine. For my boyfriend, though, what I'm sensing is that video games are the center of his world and he doesn't really have any other hobbies, interests, or friends. Even one of his ex-girlfriends said that if he could live in the mountains with just himself and video games, he'd be perfectly fine.

 

This has been a source of tension between us - usually after he's played for a long time and I get fed up, I become distant and cold while he doesn't quite understand why "a hobby" would bother me so much. He keeps asking how him playing video games is different than guys who do other hobbies such as gym, basketball with friends, watching sports, etc. which can also take extensive amount of time in one sitting.

 

To be fair, we usually don't fight much about other things and get along just fine. When we're out and about enjoying life, going to a festival, going out to eat, traveling, etc., he's awesome and we have a great time together. He occasionally has some ambition with his career but that could disappear quickly.

 

Maybe it'd also help to point out that he and I were raised very differently. I was born into a family with just my parents and I and my parents pushed me extremely hard in school and disciplined me to no end. So naturally I'm mostly very motivated in life and don't have many "unhealthy obsessions," for lack of a better term. He, on the other hand, grew up in a much more "loose" environment where his parents didn't care what he could accomplish and never pushed him for anything. He's also a middle child.

 

I realize that everyone is different and nobody is perfect but I also feel like our take on life may be too different. Sometimes my high spirit or drive just despise his bum-like ways (not trying to make myself sound noble). I also don't know if I'm overreacting here because everyone needs to compromise a bit in a relationship and you probably have to deal with a bit of negative about everybody.

[Blind-Sided]

as a man who does like a good game now and again (mostly retro) have you tried to play the games with him? If he's a good guy... goes to work, will spend time with you, so on... why not try to see it from his side? I know you said he's not motivated to do more with his life... but personally, I don't need to be rich to be happy, and maybe that's the way he sees it too.

 

 

With that said... if he is neglecting life because of games, or spending enough money on them that bills get pushed aside... then that's not healthy.

 

 

just some food for thought.

[smackie9]

You are not compatible. He should be dating someone who is just into it as he is, and not care about much else.

 

Hun, there's better out there, stop wasting your time dating the wrong guy.

[d0nnivain]

You have been dating for almost a year. That is a significant relationship.

 

But the length & breath of the relationship do not guarantee that it will be forever. Sometimes with the passage of time you have to step back & say this is how things are; this is who he is; this is who I am. Then you look if those things fit together in a way that will make you happy long term.

 

You have to assess the situation as it is, not how you want it to be. You can't say he'd be the perfect BF/husband if he didn't play video games & was more motivated in his job. You have to say if things never changed, if they remained exactly as they are right now would you be happy for the rest of your life? When you answer that Q you will know what to do next.

[scooby-philly]

Dear OP,

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with the first sentence of your last paragraph. I don't it gets any clearer than that. As you said, we are all raised with different expectations, viewpoints and understanding of critical areas that are important in a relationship - family (structure, size, how much time spent), friends (how many, how much time spent), finances, sex, work ethic, introverts vs extroverts, etc. For all of those areas we have to figure out what are our non-negotiable elements and what/where we are willing to compromise on. For example, I've learned that family is important to me, but i don't want my spouse and i (hoping to find one someday) spending hours and hours with their family or mine - at the cost of time for us together. So someone who's around their family 6 days a week would be too much for me. But...someone who's from a toxic family and hasn't established a healthy boundary or who comes from one and doesn't want any family time with my family wouldn't be a good fit either.

 

It sounds like you already kind of resent your bf a bit for his lifestyle. If you do some quick reading and searching you'll find that resentment is one of the biggest killers of a relationship. You have to love your partner for who they are and the lifestyle they want to live now. Doesn't mean that you can't communicate your needs and agree to work on things a bit together. People can change. But if he doesn't want to, doesn't put effort into it, or does try but at some point slips back to his old ways will you be able to love him and not resent him? I know a few couples where at face value - they seem to be totally opposite in terms of social life. One person is outgoing, constantly traveling for work, networking, socializing, etc while the other partner is a home body, less social, etc. And yet, - they've been married or together for 10,20,40 years. They cherish each other and they don't resent each other's lifestyle and needs.

 

Perhaps video games are his safety net because no one gave him direction and support growing up and when he tried stuff and he failed or it didn't work out, no one was their to help him process and frame the emotions so his passion for video games became a crutch. That can certainly be undone over time - but the question is are you willing to work on that WITH him. Are you willing to put effort in, to be there when he fails, to keep working at over time.

 

If you're not willing to work and/or he's not willing to change or try then it's not going to be a healthy outcome. And when I say change, I don't mean you should try to change him. You can't do that and relationships like that turn into unmitigated disasters. What I mean is - explain how you feel (nicely), ask him if he minds you taking the initiative to plan things and if he is willing to come along for the ride (maybe this includes taking the lead in just simple time spent together).

Edited September 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote removed

[Ruby Slippers]

it reminds me of a man-child, a bum, and someone who's a piece of garbage glued to the TV (sometimes late at night) and absent-minded about his work

Well, there you have it. Most women would agree with you.

 

If it were me, I'd move on and find a more productive man building a real future.

[kendahke]

You and this guy are not a match, emotionally, intellectually, or motivationally, if that's a word.

 

There is no sense in wasting your youth behind someone you already know is not a good fit for you. The real question here is: why are you trying to make him your renovation project? Are you holding out for some potential he has no interest in showing or acting on?

 

As you said, you and he were raised completely differently---and it's high time you respect that finding and quit trying to turn him into a version of himself that's acceptable to you: he's been showing you he ain't that one. Why you're not picking up on the clue is a mystery of the ages.

 

Stop wasting time and youth--two things you'll never get back.

 

and if he wants to spend all of his time playing video games, then that's what he's going to do, despite how you feel about it. Until he sees value in putting down the controller and shutting the game off, this is going to play out just as it has been for the past year. Right now, he doesn't see any value in keeping you happy.

Edited September 11, 2019 by kendahke

[SumGuy]

...

This has been a source of tension between us - usually after he's played for a long time and I get fed up, I become distant and cold while he doesn't quite understand why "a hobby" would bother me so much. He keeps asking how him playing video games is different than guys who do other hobbies such as gym, basketball with friends, watching sports, etc. which can also take extensive amount of time in one sitting.

He should add in fantasy football, car builders, golf, marathoners, etc. The thing is guys who let these hobbies get in the way of heir relationships also get in "trouble" with their wives/girlfriends for ignoring them. Sometimes the hobby is one the woman finds status in by association so she accepts it.

As hobbies go, his is pretty innocuous and unlikely to lead to cheating, arrest or bankruptcy (if he maintains his job) unlike others (betting and gambling). I'm assuming you are not putting any stigma on gaming as a hobby.

Nevertheless, one can spend too much time on a hobby when it interferes with responsibilities, such as work, and time for a relationship.

 

He occasionally has some ambition with his career but that could disappear quickly.

Having seen career ambition destroy relationships and families more than those who do enough to live the way they like, don't judge too much by the desire to make money or achieve work status.

 

 

That being said, there is good money to be made in video games if one can win tournaments or get an on-line following. Maybe that can be his ambition?

[Stevnx3]

He should add in fantasy football, car builders, golf, marathoners, etc. The thing is guys who let these hobbies get in the way of heir relationships also get in "trouble" with their wives/girlfriends for ignoring them. Sometimes the hobby is one the woman finds status in by association so she accepts it.

As hobbies go, his is pretty innocuous and unlikely to lead to cheating, arrest or bankruptcy (if he maintains his job) unlike others (betting and gambling). I'm assuming you are not putting any stigma on gaming as a hobby.

Nevertheless, one can spend too much time on a hobby when it interferes with responsibilities, such as work, and time for a relationship.

 

Having seen career ambition destroy relationships and families more than those who do enough to live the way they like, don't judge too much by the desire to make money or achieve work status.

 

 

That being said, there is good money to be made in video games if one can win tournaments or get an on-line following. Maybe that can be his ambition?

 

This is pretty sound here. SumGuy knows his stuff. Good to be back, some familiar names here.

[crispytoast]

That being said, there is good money to be made in video games if one can win tournaments or get an on-line following. Maybe that can be his ambition?

People can actually make a lot of money with an online following, especially if they are good at games and have an entertaining personality (which from the sound of it, he is fun to be around outside of games). You could encourage him to do this -- perhaps without making it about the money. Could ask him if he's ever thought about Twitch streaming. I'm willing to bet the interest in that part of his life would excite him and could play out positively for you in other ways.

 

 

 

Also I wonder, do you live with your boyfriend?

[normal person]

I usually get raked over the coals here for saying this, but adult men who play excessive amounts of video games (to the point where it affects relationships) are probably not worth your time. There are plenty of productive men out there who would rather use their free time to supplement their lives in the real world rather than pretend to live in a fictional one. It's absolutely childish, I have no idea how women tolerate this beyond college. For the record, I feel the same way about people who are next-level obsessive over movies, watching sports, or anything where you're just a passive observer sitting on a couch, watching something that doesn't provide you with anything informative to better your life with.

 

This has been a source of tension between us - usually after he's played for a long time and I get fed up, I become distant and cold while he doesn't quite understand why "a hobby" would bother me so much. He keeps asking how him playing video games is different than guys who do other hobbies such as gym, basketball with friends, watching sports, etc. which can also take extensive amount of time in one sitting.

 

The issue isn't necessarily the time that it takes, it's that the return on that time is abysmal. If he played for half an hour day, would it affect you like this?

 

Everyone's got their method of escapism, but video games aren't one with much upside. Basketball with friends? Great, you get some exercise, maintain your relationships, etc. Building furniture? Great, you can use the furniture yourself, give it away to better your community, or sell it and use the money to better your own life. Gym? Great, stay healthy. Look better for your partner. These are all good uses of time. There is tangible upside other than pure escapism. Video games don't provide any of that. You just stare at a screen pretending to be someone you're not, not burning any calories or improving your life or relationships in any way, and you also lose 3 hours of your life. What a waste. Life's too short for this.

Edited September 11, 2019 by normal person

[olivetree]

I dated someone like your bf.

Let me tell you, life is way more fun when 1. you respect them 2. you're compatible in your lifestyles.

 

You two are not compatible.

Sure, you could "make it work" but life is too short to be with someone who'd rather live in a virtual world.

[IslandSanctuary]

I used to play a lot of games when I was younger. Not so much as I get older but they are still an important part of my life and it is a common theme among young to middle aged men today.

It is important to have your own interests in a relationship. If he was spending his time doing something you deemed more constructive would you be happier? Does he pay the rent and his bills and mostly clean up after himself?

A lot of serious 'go-getters' at work are seriously narcissistic. Is he a good BF with a good heart? If you ate today and sleep with a roof over your head you are in the top 10% of the world's wealthiest.

There are far worse things for a man in a relationship to be spending his time doing. He is allowed to have hobbies, even hobbies you don't understand or agree with. It's when it starts eating into quality time with you that it becomes a problem.

Does he take you out on dates? Show you affection? Are you happy with your sex life? If you answer mostly yes to all 3 of those questions then you are one of the lucky ones and should start seeing the glass as half full.

[snowboy91]

Everyone's got their method of escapism, but video games aren't one with much upside. Basketball with friends? Great, you get some exercise, maintain your relationships, etc. Building furniture? Great, you can use the furniture yourself, give it away to better your community, or sell it and use the money to better your own life. Gym? Great, stay healthy. Look better for your partner. These are all good uses of time. There is tangible upside other than pure escapism. Video games don't provide any of that. You just stare at a screen pretending to be someone you're not, not burning any calories or improving your life or relationships in any way, and you also lose 3 hours of your life. What a waste. Life's too short for this.

 

I'm going to have to disagree with this - and I'm not even a gamer. For some, the level of escapism and focus on the game can actually be helpful from a mental health perspective. Sure, obsession and addiction are obviously unhealthy, but depending on the game it can help with creativity and a sense of community if the game is online. Not to mention that a lot of people need down time - not everyone can spend every waking moment trying to improve their place in life - they need to do things for themselves too!

 

All of that being said, if this guy's hobby is something that is taking away time in your relationship and he doesn't see a reason to do something about it, then it's a serious incompatibility in your relationship.

[schlumpy]

What if he was playing golf instead. He would have to spend a lot a time at it to get any good. Would you view that differently?

 

Do you know how many women would thank God their SOs were playing games in the living room rather then out with guys at the local establishment? Be that as it may I have to agree with your assessment.

 

If you stay together and marry and he doesn't try to "improve" himself he will lose value in your eyes and your resentment will grow. I don't see a compromise here.

 

I'm sorry because he sounds like a good guy and I'm sure he will be good for someone else.

[Sam2020]

No you're not overreacting. My son is a big gamer. But when his friends want to do stuff he's up and out. Same with his gf, when she's with him at home, they watch tv together.

 

If your bf just wants to play games all the time and isn't really considering you much then it's not looking very good for the future.

[fromheart]

The difference between playing video games and going to the gym, is that the gym wont leave you prone to disease.

 

Get yourself a better BF.

[elaine567]

Some people immerse themselves in video games to the point of addiction to self soothe themselves mentally.

[Gaeta]

It's time to move on otherwise you're facing a life time of this.

 

I know a lady that is a gamer. She goes to work and as soon as she's home she plays till she goes to bed late at night. Her husband prepare dinner, she doesn't move from her game to eat as a family she eats in front of her game. The husband does everything in the house, takes care of the kids ..all this on his own. Sure once in a while they go out, once in a while they have friends over, once in a while they go on a trip but their day to day life is her playing all her free time.

 

Their son come to my house to play with my foster-daughter. He told us at his house they never sit at the table for dinner cause mom plays, the fridge is often empty cause mom plays, and at 14 he had never played a board game.....cause mom plays online.

 

I'd prefer no life at all than living like this.

 

Pick wisely who to love.

 

 

.

[d0nnivain]

No you're not overreacting. My son is a big gamer. But when his friends want to do stuff he's up and out. Same with his gf, when she's with him at home, they watch tv together.

 

If your bf just wants to play games all the time and isn't really considering you much then it's not looking very good for the future.

 

 

Exactly. It's called balance. No matter the hobby if somebody engages in the hobby to the exclusion of other parts of their life, that is a problem.

 

My husband loves his multi-player games but if I ask him to do something with me, most of the time he says yes. Gaming is when there is no much else to do; fortunately for DH I have other hobbies & interests which entertain me so I'm not always bugging him to get off the computer.

[Allupinnit]

Run far and fast.

 

My sister was married to a man-child like this. She couldn't get his ass out of the Nintendo chair to save his own life, not even to help her with the baby.

 

In fact, while she was in labor, he sat and played games on his phone. They had to ask him to put the game down to sign the birth certificate.

 

I'm with Normal Person. How someone spends their free time outside of work says a lot about how they view their limited time allotted on this Earth. I'd much prefer a man who reads, or plays tennis, or anything else aside from parked on a couch for hours on end essentially ignoring all-else around him. And nowadays you can't even pause the game because you're involved in some sort of interactive campaign with other people. When I would hear my ex-brother in law playing with his stupid headset you could hear the other players and what was going on the background - kids crying, etc. You know, their real lives going on without them.

 

You're not wrong to feel the way you do.

[Els]

H and I are gamers, but we do it in moderation. IMO, that is pretty much the key to everything, be it video games or football.

 

 

 

So my question for you is: you say he spends "very long hours" on it. Can you quantify that? How much time does he spend with you, conversely?

 

 

As for those who suggest making money from it... yeah, no. Not unless you're in the 1%. The vast majority of streamers and competitive gamers make less than they'd get as a McDs employee, and almost all professional gamers work extremely long hours without vacations. The average time spent training for most teams in the latest TI for instance was 70 hours a week. Gaming for 99% of people strictly only works as a hobby, frankly you'd be much more likely to be able to travel for a living or paint for a living than play games for a living.