Dating two guys? ...

[libby0715]

I recently got myself into the situation of dating two guys at them same time which I've never done before. They're both great guys so I don't know how to choose which one to focus on. I also don't wanna hurt either of them.

 

Guy A: Met him on tinder 3 months ago. We clicked right from the beginning. The thing is we live 1.5 hours apart by driving and he doesn't have a car (he has trained up to see me before). And he's often busy with rennovations in his house at the weekends. So things are going slow with him. We see each other at the weekend every 2-3 weeks. Mostly I drive to see him as I'm more flexible with my car and no rennovations. And the sex with him is amazing. He gives me lots of butterflies and I totally lust for him. We just have really good chemitry. He also shows a lot of interests. Always welcomes me to his home, talks to me regularly when we're apart and is willing to make effort to take public transport to see me. However, I have a feeling he's not done with his ex yet. They only broke up 5 months ago which means 2 months before we met. And he still has pictures of them together on a trip together on his FB and still liking her new FB profile pictures etc. The reason they broke up was she didn't have enough time between him and her previous boyfriend, which doesn't sound like a legit reason to me, although he said it was a mutual thing. He told me they still text every now and then and still hang out sometimes but not like going to each other's houses. So it's a huge red flag to me. I could deal with the distance but probably couldn't deal with the possibility of him hanging out with or talking to his ex while I'm in another city if we got in a relationship. I have not asked him what he's looking for from me tho as now I'm not sure as well.

 

Guy B: We used to be friends/ neighbours 3 years ago and I had a huge crush on him. But then we both moved away and lost in touch with busy job and study. A few months ago (not long before I met guy A) we got back in touch and hung out a bit as he moved back to town for work. I thought he wasn't interested as he wasn't making any moves on me in a while so I was just focusing on guy A. Recently tho the contact and the suggestion of hanging out from him just increased and until last week he kissed me at my place. Turns out he had a crush on me 3 years ago as well and still really like me now. I mean, I had no idea lol. I'm also still attracted to him and think he's nice. But not enough yet to want to make him boyfriend. He on the other hand is totally on board. He even asked if we're together yet. I just said it's too soon and we should hang out first. And I didn't tell him about the other guy (I know it's probably wrong and I'm being selfish here). I haven't got physical with him as I don't really wanna sleep with two guys at the same time.

 

Both guys are great but so different as well. Totally opposite physical type wise but both attractive. Both are really sweet but in different ways. I like them both equally but they give me different feelings. I really like guy A's personality and his humor. But his ex is a big red flag and he's far away. Guy B is really really sweet and he's vunerable to me right now so I would hate myself to hurt him. He gives me such a warm feeling like home. But I don't feel as strong chemistry when we kiss (cos we haven't slept with each other?). We have a lot of mutual friends and we live like 2 blocks away.

 

So what do I do now. Should I tell them about each other (not in details of course) or just keep them secret from each other for a short amount of time hoping I can make a decision soon? Should I even stop sleeping with guy A? But how should I explain why I want to sleep with him? I'm supposed to hang out with guy A in 2 weeks. He even said he'll show me his work then so it feel a bit serious now. And probably will hang out with guy B before I see guy A the next time. I don't wanna lead any one but I need to proceed to feel things out as well. Honestly losing any one of the would break my heart and I know the longer it takes the bigger change I'll lose both of them. So HELP. Could really use some advice here.

PS: Please don't tell me to find a third guy or ditch them both. I really just want to pick one of them as my boyfriend.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

Sounds like a very tough decision indeed. I've been typically a guy that's committed too much, too early to people that in reality, weren't right for me or weren't looking for something serious and I've gotten hurt in the end in my relationships. It sounds like you're over analyzing things in your head right now. I AM NOT advocating you lie or deceive either of these two guys. That is not fair, honest, or respectful to them or to you. But you can continue this same path for a while until your HEART and your instincts help you make a decision.

 

It also sounds like you might (and please, correct me if I am off base here on this one) have that inaccurate perception that Western culture beats into women that you shouldn't talk to multiple guys early on (i.e. talk, not sleep with - which is fine, but at that point they would need to know about each other). You haven't slept with guy B. You can keep hanging with both until you have it with B (at which point you need to tell him and guy a) or your heart/head make a decision. If you're worried about hurting one or both of them (which, to be honest, is a nice trait in a person as most people today are takers/selfish/dishonest) and you can handle it - then tell them both how you feel and that there's someone else in the picture and be honest about where you stand on you and the other guy and see what happens. If you don't want to do that then you need to let each run its course until you can make a decision.

 

But most of all - what do you want? Sounds like you "like" B but have a "crush" or "the jones" for A. A lot of people chose A over B when in this sort of situation until they learn that in most (not all) cases A flames out and/or they are truly ready for a long-term relationship based on mutuality and understanding or even if it's just one guy and it's a B situation, they learn to stay around until it turns into an A/B (and those are the couples we are all jealous about).

[PRW]

It is only a matter of time before one shows himself to be more needy and insecure than the other one. Then you'll know what to do.

 

Both show signs of it, but one will end up being worse than the other.

[scooby-philly]

And let me add more to my response.

 

How long was A's ex and him together and how long was she with her previous bf? You could just be a rebound to him - hence the lack of him pushing you for something exclusive.

 

Who initiated the recontact between you and B? Him or you?

 

 

I think things will eventually sort themselves out in both cases, but what advice can we give to help you make a decision I'm not sure, except in the end - what do you want right now?

[smackie9]

I think on your last thread we told you to ditch guy A because you are most likely a rebound.

[SumGuy]

..

 

So what do I do now. Should I tell them about each other (not in details of course) or just keep them secret from each other for a short amount of time hoping I can make a decision soon?

I'm a 50 year old guy so take my advice for what it is worth.

I don't think there is any judgment here as you didn't intend this situation it just happened, and you are now trying to do the right thing.

 

If I was one of these guys I would not consider what you are doing is "bad" yet. So would say keep it secret but choose before you hang out with Guy A in 2 weeks. If you choose B then cancel with A. You can be honest about the distance and his ex making it hard to work. I would not necessarily tell him about guy B.

 

Should I even stop sleeping with guy A? But how should I explain why I want to sleep with him? I'm supposed to hang out with guy A in 2 weeks. He even said he'll show me his work then so it feel a bit serious now.

If I was guy B and it ever came up it would make me feel good that you stopped sleeping with guy A while you made up your mind.

 

And probably will hang out with guy B before I see guy A the next time. I don't wanna lead any one but I need to proceed to feel things out as well.

If chemistry is your concern with guy B, would sleeping with him help? I can say from experience that if you can talk to guy B about sex and have emotional connection any awkwardness in the physical area can easily be overcome. That is, it's fairly easy to make OK sex great sex and very fun to explore to do so.

 

Honestly losing any one of the would break my heart and I know the longer it takes the bigger change I'll lose both of them. So HELP. Could really use some advice here.

Chemistry can be fleeting and lasting chemistry comes from connection, in my experience.

The ex and distance are not things I'd ignore with guy A. Distance makes a big difference and if there is an ex in his picture (plus the distance) that sounds like a recipe for heartache for you.

Now guy B, if you really have fun with him is near by and that makes it easy for things to grow between you, do things together spontaneously, etc.

Realize I only know just the small bits about them you shared, but I'd lean towards guy B.

[fromheart]

You don't like either of them, which is why you can't decide. You don't have an emotional interest if man A, which is why you went on a date with someone else. When you meet the right one you won't want to see anyone else, especially not at the same time.

 

Best be honest with both and inform them that you only want to have fun with them, NSA.

[Mrin]

Guy A: you're a rebound. Bad timing. Geographically challenging. Great sex. Really only good for NSA sex/FWB/casual dating. Not relationship material.

 

Guy B: good guy. Past crush. No Sparks. Geographically desirable.

 

I guess it all comes down to what you want. If you want great sex and casually date somebody then continue to see A and perhaps B. If you want a relationship then you need to get rid of A. See where things go with B and perhaps look for C, D, and E.

[smackie9]

Ya I usually say ditch both on these threads. If a guy was the one, you would be confident in your choice....but here you are asking strangers...so the conclusion is to keep looking.

[schlumpy]

Tell them about each other and they will make the decision for you.

[SmartDude]

Find one more to date. Date 3 at a time and forget which one you like most..

[basil67]

I'm assuming you're not exclusive with Guy A (because of Guy B). Not exclusive after three months? Forget about him.

 

Guy B...you could just see how it goes.

[crispytoast]

Find one more to date. Date 3 at a time and forget which one you like most..

I came here to say "Just two?" but you beat me to it

[Maggiemay1]

Why does guy A not drive???

That in itself is offputting since he doesn’t live close by!

He is willing to public transport to yours yet it sounds like he has only done so once in 3 months???

You think it’s serious because he is going to show you his work? Why?

That could be to introduce to some colleagues to say this is the chick that drives to see me every other week for sex?! Workmates talk about this !

 

Has he ever introduced you to family or friends??

 

Guy B, didn’t express interest 3 years ago. Nor a few months ago.

I think he is sweet talking you to get some!?!

 

Neither A or B sound genuine, so get back into thinking you don’t have to choose because neither seem like a good option , keep seeing them for what they want to see you for if it suits you , but keep your eyes and ears open for genuine options.

 

I assume you are practising safe sex btw??

 

Good luck!!

[Maddie82]

If they ever find out about each other then there wont be a choice to make. You wont have either of them. I think what you're doing to both of them is a little unfair tbh

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You don't like either of them, which is why you can't decide. You don't have an emotional interest if man A, which is why you went on a date with someone else. When you meet the right one you won't want to see anyone else, especially not at the same time.

 

Best be honest with both and inform them that you only want to have fun with them, NSA.

 

Very true. If you liked either of them that way, you wouldn't have this dilemma. You may be holding on because at the moment you have no one else to date. That isn't being fair to either guy.

[princessaurora]

I agree with what fromheart said. I was in this situation when I first met my husband. Guy A and I had amazing sex and had been seeing each other about a month, but everything else was lukewarm. As soon as I met Guy B I knew he was the one. Chemistry was off the charts and I felt more comfortable with him than any guy I'd ever met. I saw Guy A maybe for another week and Guy B and I did not get physical (other than kissing) until after I ended it with Guy A. There is no way way I would have continued to see Guy A because it was not worth the risk of losing Guy B and stringing Guy A along would have been a very insensitive thing to do, as he showed very strong feelings for me. If you can't choose, it's apparent neither is the right one and you should get yourself out of this situation before someone gets hurt.

Edited September 15, 2019 by princessaurora

[IslandSanctuary]

If I was one of those two guys and found out about the other one I would immediately cut all contact with you - absolutely no regrets.