hulkabjorn Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 Hi all, Need an advice/insight for what's happening.. please try to enlighten me (sorry to bore you all for the details) We met in office like a year ago. We hang out for dinners and movies causally plus one one night stand (feelings + influence by alcohol) I know it was wrong (coz he's in separation but not yet divorced) and anyway I need to leave the city for work so I thought if things between us is real when I come back it would still happen. We were in touch on a daily basis when I was away for 9 months. He said love me and miss me, calls me sweetheart. Actually I also had strong feelings for him but since he is still married so I did not acknowledge him or just pushing him away. But how much you can lie to your mind when you really have feelings? My feelings has grown so much while I was away, despite I never told him as he's rather handsome and there are always so many girls around him. I wasn't confident at all when he got so many other choices physically around him. When I came back after months, we met at the airport and I told him about my feelings, he acknowledged and we were together. After one & half months I found out actually he started dating/sleeping with 2 other girls just two months before I came back. Basically he was with both the girls ("A"-initially sex, later affections grew; "B"-for sex/company) even we are together. I tried to believe he just need company when I was not there so I didn't say anything until 3 weeks later, when he went out with "B" and planned to stay with "A" for a week (telling me lies of coz). He broke up with "A" that day. Next 10 days was roller coaster. He kept telling how bad I have been for not acknowledging his feelings; how emotionally unstable I am, etc, and kept telling me he just felt I needed him so he was with him, he was taking care of a patient.. then after hours he would come and hug & kiss me saying he still loves me just we want company, etc. On day 10th after revealing everything, he went on a long train journey to "A" vacation place and "A" agreed to be with him again. The next 10 days he was in touch with "A" (since was still on vacation) For me it was just repeat of past 10 days. On 21st day after revealing everything, he initiated "break up" (again) with "A" and somehow he agreed to go on a pre-booked 6D long trip with me. During the trip we were just like normal couples, except the fact that he would video call "A" everyday. The day after we came back from trip, he met with "A" and all of a sudden she broke up with him and blocked him in any means. The roller coaster continues. Since this time he was dumped suddenly and cruelly, he felt extremely bad, especially when "A" has blocked her in all means and he can't get her back or have a gradual closure as he wanted to have. Despite all the emotional blackmailing I was by his side. I even helped him to messaged "A", despite he still blame me for messaging in the way which is pushing "A" away rather than coming back to him. Two weeks after we are back from the trip, I met and talked to "A". Surprisingly the next day noon time she called but he gave her bad words. After couple of hours she asked to meet him. He immediately left work and cleared his home as if I haven't stayed there since I revealed everything (as he has been lying to her that he already blocked me but in fact I have been there throughout). They met and "A" even kissed him and agreed they can be together again. Ironically this same day morning before he got the call from "A" he told me he loves me, very grateful to have me by his side, let's start everything again and forget everything. After meeting her he told me now he can dump her and not feel bad coz now he would be the dumper. And the next day telling he wants to 'complete' the relationship with "A". Thanks for reading till here. Got few doubts/questions which would need some inputs: 1. What am I to him? Life buoy? He has been pushing me away a lot yet still with me, maybe he actually love me? 2. Why would "A" take him back so many times despite he has been cheating on him (btw, "A" still didn't know he is still with me) 3. What is "to 'complete' a relationship" for a man? (He did explain he want to do whatever he has planned to do with her, he want a gradual break up. But these to me seems he's just not letting go) Thanks everyone..
ExpatInItaly Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 Yes, you’re essentially just a filler to him in between other women. He is in no way trying to seriously date you. Instead of trying to figure out his or A’s motivations, you need to spend more time figuring out your own. Where the heck is your dignity and self-respect, girl? This dude wipes his feet all over you and you keep allowing him to. What on earth are you still doing with this guy? 1
Sunlight72 Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 1. What am I to him? Life buoy? He has been pushing me away a lot yet still with me, maybe he actually love me?I'm sorry dear, no, he does not love you. Clearly he does not. You are one of many women he is asking out, and kissing, and having sex with all the time. 2. Why would "A" take him back so many times despite he has been cheating on him (btw, "A" still didn't know he is still with me)"A" took him back because he is lying to her. He is telling her the same he is telling you. He is telling her that he just broke up with you. Or that he was never serious with you. Or that he just wants to see you for one more week and then he will break up with you. Do you see?3. What is "to 'complete' a relationship" for a man? (He did explain he want to do whatever he has planned to do with her, he want a gradual break up. But these to me seems he's just not letting go)That is a lie dear. He doesn't want to 'complete a relationship' with "A". He wants to tell you something so you won't leave him until he is ready to dump you, so he had to tell you something to get you to stay for one or two more weeks. I'm sorry dear. Now - I wrote that because I think you want to be his only girlfriend. If that is the case, then he is a very, very bad choice for you. However, if you are happy for him to have two or three other women as girlfriends/Friends-With-Benefits at the same time as you, then he would be a good guy to do that with. It won't last very long I think (maybe 2 or 4 months), but for a few months you could spend time with him. 1
Author hulkabjorn Posted September 12, 2019 Author Posted September 12, 2019 very confused when he said "i love u so much that i care for u and should not be with u". Sounds kind of a joke isn't it? Logically knows at this moment he's confused but aren't you supposed to give second chance for someone whom you love? And he keeps saying he needs space to unclutter his thoughts, what does it even means?
spiderowl Posted September 12, 2019 Posted September 12, 2019 He is using you and manipulating you. He wants other women, including A, and you are helping him. If you wanted this guy for yourself, you are wasting your time. He does not respect you. He is treating you like a handmaiden not a girlfriend. He is focused on others. Whatever he says to you, it is his actions that count. He is not exclusive with you and he is dallying with other women. Save yourself more heartbreak and dump this guy. You need basic standards for a guy. You might fear you will lose him if you maintain your standards but you will lose those that have no respect and eventually meet someone who appreciates that you have standards. I would suggest you have as a basic: He does not lie to you He is respectful towards you and exclusive if that is what you want He does not mess around with other women while seeing you He does not drag you into his dramas with other women He is kind to you and looks after you He has good manners This guy falls down badly on these basic standards. He will only hurt you and mess you around. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2019 Posted September 12, 2019 very confused when he said "i love u so much that i care for u and should not be with u". Sounds kind of a joke isn't it? Logically knows at this moment he's confused but aren't you supposed to give second chance for someone whom you love? OP, he doesn't love you.
MountainGirl111 Posted September 12, 2019 Posted September 12, 2019 Woah... this guy is way too high maintenance... to thine own self be true...
ahayy Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 When a guy loves u he will do whatever he can for u. Just ask yourself has he changed in his actions for u? For instance, he used to pick u up from work and drive u home, has he stopped that? He used to get u flowers once in a while before, has he stopped doing that as well? Actions speaks louder than words, especially for guys, when it's hard for them to say "i love u" all the time.. If he has stopped all his actions for u, probably it's time for u to move on as he's already not into u. He probably just use u for sex and kill time. All the best..
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