Losing my heart

[Heartbrokenandconfus]

If you’re with a partner you’ve been in love with many years but issues gotten worse over the last few years despite efforts to control them what would you do? For example if the anger happens more often and the language they use while they’re angry at you it’s much more direct and hurtful does that make a difference? Also if you find that they are self-centered too often on their own needs and never consider your needs or wishes is that a deal killer at this point?

 

How about if they’re very controlling is that a deal killer? You still care for them but because they don’t admit fault there’s no solution and they point the finger at you.

 

Then they can be very loving and gentle with you including bringing flowers and giving you attention and love as well as being supportive .

 

Because this is the same person which side of the person is the real thing? In a normal relationship should you not experience extreme behavior at all or only on a limited basis? If you do get to the point we would love for them is affected in a bad way because of this is it time to leave once you know they’re not going to change and they have a split personality that’s triggered by whether things go their way

[schlumpy]

It depends on how they respond to push back. If your SO is crossing a line with abusive language and you push back, do they modify their behavior or does it get worse because you dared to talk back?

 

If they modify their behavior then you can work with them but if they just get angrier then you headed for a bad end.

 

If it has gotten worse over the years then their respect for you has diminished.

 

Counseling is your only recourse to save your relationship.

[basil67]

Both sides of the person are the real thing. It's a very rare person indeed which has no redeeming features.

 

Can you give some recent examples of when he's been angry at you and using abusive language? Do you ever use abusive language back at him?

[Heartbrokenandconfus]

I caught him in a lie and when I confronted him he lashed out at me and cursed saying @uck you a few times. He then accused me of lying which wasn’t true. He then stormed out of my home. He called a short time after that and then told me that I needed to apologize. He however never apologized for lying to me in the first place.

 

Obviously this does not sit well with me. Another time he lost it because I caught him in another lie and as a result I told him I didn’t wanna go away with him for an upcoming vacation. He completely lost it then and cursed me, and also cross the line and badmouth one of my children as well. He told me me and my kids need him and no one else can take care of us. FYI, I’m well off, my kids are grown and on their own except my son does need help from time to time because he has mild autism and my bf has only modest income. So who needs who?..

He never really apologized for the way he spoke to me and by the way I never spoke to him like that. Instead he sort of glossed over it at a later time and then started romanticizing me with him telling me how much he loves me bringing me flowers and the like.

He can generally be easy to get along with but he can be controlling and if confronted with an issue sometimes he acts just like above.

Edited September 11, 2019 by Heartbrokenandconfus

[stillafool]

When I read your opening post I thought you were a young girl by the way you described your interaction with your partner. I see you are a grown woman with grown children. Of course you shouldn't put up with his behavior and I'm surprised you don't already know this.

[spiderowl]

This is why people tend to stay with abusive partners longer than other people think they should - because they have a nasty side and then there is the nice side which comes out sometimes.

 

There is no excuse for abusing someone. If they are hurting you a lot of the time, then why stay with them? Are the few good moments worth all that pain?

 

It is hard to emotionally withdraw from someone when you want to cling on to the good side. It is confusing. As you say, which is the real them? In a way, there is no issue because you have to protect yourself from abuse. The good side might be there but it doesn't make up for the rest. If they switch from one personality to the other, they will probably carry on doing that. Why should you put up with that?

[Heartbrokenandconfus]

Looks like I made the right decision. I now have a large bruise on my arm where he must of grabbed me during our argument.