tukorob9 Posted September 10, 2019 Posted September 10, 2019 Not sure who to turn to in this situation but i'm a 26M and i've been seeing a 26F for almost a year now. We are totally exclusive but shes super afraid of putting a label on things (boyfriend & girlfriend). We are exclusive, go on dates, hangout all the time... but shes timid about making it official and when i say we should just leave it alone and not see each other she also REALLY doesn't want that either. This entire situation has made me feel pretty awful to be honest. I don't know what to say to her to make her realize this is a little selfish. Has anyone ever been in this situation before? I really like her and we both agree we make an amazing team... just not officially. At this point it'll feel like a breakup regardless if we are bf and gf or not so i don't understand why putting a label on things is freaking her out.
basil67 Posted September 10, 2019 Posted September 10, 2019 Almost a year? Yep, time to end it. You're a monogamous FWB to her. You're not going to find a girlfriend who is open to commitment while you're spinning your wheels with this one. If she doesn't want it to end, it's tough luck for her. It's not OK to use someone like she's using you. 1
PRW Posted September 10, 2019 Posted September 10, 2019 Being exclusive and being Bf/GF is the same thing. When someone tries to split those hairs and create more and more divisions and subdivisions and subdivisions of subdivisions of dating, they have some kind of ulterior motive and are just trying to bend reality to whatever selfish agenda they have. 1
kendahke Posted September 10, 2019 Posted September 10, 2019 There is someone in her life that she doesn't want knowing that she's in a relationship--otherwise, why hide the obvious? That makes absolutely no sense, especially after a whole year of getting girlfriend perks. Stop giving her girlfriend perks if she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. Treat her like you would one of your boys. If she has something to say, tell her that she can be your friend, but you're in the market for a girlfriend, not another buddy, and certainly not a buddy who wants you to spend your money on her--like I said, that's a girlfriend perk, not a buddy perk. She's a bit long in the tooth to be acting this silly. She sounds like she's 14, not 26, 2
Author tukorob9 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Posted September 10, 2019 I think ill try to have a conversation outlining what we each want... and if they don't align maybe the solution is to just call it quits. I really don't want it to end up like that but its probably for the best.
preraph Posted September 10, 2019 Posted September 10, 2019 I'd say she has someone she's got a crush on. 2
Author tukorob9 Posted September 11, 2019 Author Posted September 11, 2019 I'd say she has someone she's got a crush on. We've been 100% exclusive the time we have been together
preraph Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 Yeah, but she doesn't want you and apparently anyone else calling you her boyfriend. So my guess is there's someone she's had a crush on before you and she wants to leave the runway clear for him (to no avail, of course -- if he wanted her, he'd likely already have had her). Most women have a crush on someone they carry for awhile. 1
mortensorchid Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 She wants to keep her options open and keep things as casual as possible. You don't. After a year of this, it's time to fish or cut bait and she's trying to get YOU to cut the bait rather than her because she's too cowardly to do this herself. Consider this.
scooby-philly Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 Totally agreed. Dating hasn't changed in 10,000 years - no matter what technology, terms (FWB/lovers/etc), or ideas come along. If you're exclusive then you are bf/gf. There could be 5-10 dozen reasons she's hemming at the title. But YOU deserve to be with someone who wants the same things. It doesn't matter her reason(s). They could be normal (she's been hurt before and is leary), family based (her family is judgmental and crazy and she doesn't want you to cut and run when you meet them), questionable (side crush), commitment based (maybe she's not ready for the implications of the title)....whatever - you want a relationship. If she does not then you need to draw a line in the sand and stick to it. Respect her wishes/choice and if she chooses you but starts to flake or other signs she's regretting choosing you, then split at that point. In the end, you can't make someone want you or stay with you. You can only work on a relationship as much as the other person. And everyone deserves to be with someone who is on the same page as them.
d0nnivain Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 For whatever reason the label scares her. When I was 16 I actually broke up with the guy I was dating because he called me his GF. I really freaked out about the word. Talk to her. Find out what about the word is so scary. Point out that the label will not change the behaviors. See how she feels about that. Then show her the behavior doesn't change. Even if you called each other orange & tangerine you'd still be doing the same things you are now.
ChatroomHero Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 After a year, I'd say if she can't call herself your GF, it's not a good sign. No matter her intent, she has effectively forced you into being exclusive and given herself an out if she fools around with someone else. She can say, "Well we are not BF and GF...". To me it reeks of burning both ends of the candle or at least the possibility of it. After a year it sounds like you still have uncertainty if you two really are "together" or if she is truthfully committed. If you want to deal with that for another 2,3,4 years...have at it. If not, I'd probably assume there is more to the story than her just being weirded out by being called your GF and probably move on.
kendahke Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 We've been 100% exclusive the time we have been together Or at least you think you've been 100% exclusive... Someone who is down with you isn't going to clutch pearls over being called your girlfriend. Plain and simple. Someone who doesn't want it to get out that she's hanging with you is someone who'd have an issue because the person she doesn't want knowing she's really not available can't know she's really not available and the easiest way to keep that deception up is to fake like she's free when she's not. Your petite amie is shady/sketchy a.f. Her reasons make no sense.
stillafool Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 She's still looking for "the one" if she hasn't committed by now. Sorry OP but she isn't in love with you. When women are in love they want to be committed to that man. She's keeping you until he comes along. 1
fred123 Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 has she introduced you to her circle? has she put pics of you guys on her social media? is she trying to hide you or freaks out when you try to make it official? 1
smackie9 Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 You are wasting your time with this one....gosh a year? that's way too long. IMO if she hasn't figured it out by now she never will. Find someone who is on the same page as you...is confidently calling you her bf! 2
Author tukorob9 Posted September 11, 2019 Author Posted September 11, 2019 has she introduced you to her circle? has she put pics of you guys on her social media? is she trying to hide you or freaks out when you try to make it official? We are part of the same inner circle, she has put pics of me on social media, she questions it when we talked about it last weekend. She scared about the repercussions of breaking up. I told her we're mature enough to still keep the inner circle but the convo ended cause we were at a mutual friends party. I'm going to lay it all out there honestly. Ill let her know i want to work towards a relationship and if her intentions don't align we should stop what we're doing. Wow i don't want to do this cause i feel like it'll end things but I should right?
kendahke Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 Wow i don't want to do this cause i feel like it'll end things but I should right? What's the alternative? It's to keep to the path you're already on and be quiet and content with what/who you have because this is as high as she rises to that occasion for you. Can you be happy and content with things remaining exactly as they are now with her being intransigent about not wanting to be called your girlfriend? Youth is a finite resource.. be careful where and with whom you invest it.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 In a good relationship, you're both happy to be each other's girlfriend and boyfriend. You deserve better. 1
Author tukorob9 Posted September 11, 2019 Author Posted September 11, 2019 What's the alternative? It's to keep to the path you're already on and be quiet and content with what/who you have because this is as high as she rises to that occasion for you. Can you be happy and content with things remaining exactly as they are now with her being intransigent about not wanting to be called your girlfriend? Youth is a finite resource.. be careful where and with whom you invest it. Ill have the conversation with her within the next day. I'm not perfect but i'm definitely a catch and don't deserve to wait around for someone that seems like they already have 1 foot out the door. 4
Author tukorob9 Posted September 11, 2019 Author Posted September 11, 2019 Ill probably feel pretty down for a couple months, sucks but that's life. She keeps sending texts, videos on insta/snap and it drives me crazy.
scooby-philly Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 (edited) Ill probably feel pretty down for a couple months, sucks but that's life. She keeps sending texts, videos on insta/snap and it drives me crazy. 1. What is she texting/videoing about? 2. It's okay to feel down. Life lessons and breakups (esp at 1yr or more) are hard. It's normal and it's okay. SOmething fishy is going on and if she can't be mature enough to tell you then imagine what would happen with more important things in life. Not saying she doesn't deserve happiness and health eventually, but you're beyond her at this point. I just ended - or she ended - or we both ended - a 2yr relationship. There was quite an age gap - but initially I though she was mature and it didn't bother her or I. However, I didn't really seek advice or share with friends/family and I missed the red flags that said she wasn't mature, wasn't sure about us forever, and she wasn't able to communicate like a healthy, open, securely attached adult. And I didn't recognize that I wasn't getting my needs met and other issues. So - better we split now the me waste more of my time. And I wish her the best - maybe we'll be friends in a few months. My point - sorry for turning it to me for so long - is that people with great chemistry don't always work out because of where you are at in life. Now, maybe you can work on this with her if YOU want to and she puts in the effort and you guys work on the underlying issue together. Of course, you need to find out the underlying issue driving this sort of hair splitting while analyzing things - like is she showing you off (people should show off their partners), is she still excited to see you? do you both communicate well & maturely (relateive to age/experience)? have you guys started building a life together - you know her friends, she knows yours - her family and yours had used the term gf/bf in front of the two of you at the same time - do you even know her family, etc? Stuff like that is important to think about - coupled with whether or not you want to invest more into this relationship. Edited September 11, 2019 by scooby-philly misspelling
schlumpy Posted September 12, 2019 Posted September 12, 2019 The ladies are right. You are a placeholder.
crispytoast Posted September 12, 2019 Posted September 12, 2019 Boyfriend, girlfriend, those are labels. Labels are nothing but names, and names are unimportant. As such, it shouldn't matter if you tell out someone elses name during sex.
kendahke Posted September 12, 2019 Posted September 12, 2019 (edited) Ill probably feel pretty down for a couple months, sucks but that's life. This is how wisdom and life experience are forged. It only lasts as long as it takes for you to learn the life lesson. She keeps sending texts, videos on insta/snap and it drives me crazy Like I said earlier, it's time for you to demote her to buddy status. I'd tell her to stop sending it if it's driving you nuts... or just put her on block if you won't say it. If she complains, ask her what the problem is--because as I said earlier, inundating you with texts, videos and snaps is a girlfriend perk, not an unnamed buddy perk. Edited September 12, 2019 by kendahke
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