Got Dumped For Talking to Ex Wife

[jogle7]

First off, I'm sorry this is long. I'm getting it all out, and hoping to feedback/thoughts on my behavior, hers, and what might come from this.

 

Met a fantastic woman May 30th, 38M/30F. We were together for 2 1/2 months, it was great. Got along, same interests, ended up becoming a couple officially. I'm saying this lightly, it was truly something special, from my view at least. At about a month and a half, we were together and I was asked 'a relationship question'...it essentially was if I, or would I, spend much time with other women alone?...at this time I mentioned that I understood that going out to dinner or being alone in settings with a singular other woman wasn't something I did much (true), and understood if it would be concerning if I did, but I also said I had no intention of ever breaking any trust. At this time I also mentioned that I did still talk to my ex-wife occasionally, and that we were trying to be friends (we were together for 12 years). I remember the look in her eye that night, I knew she wasn't necessarily OK with this, but nothing more at this time. I was officially divorced in Feb, but it was a long few months before, and years of issues before that.

 

Fast forward, we had a planned long weekend getaway mid last month. It went great, all good, great talk, lots of smiling/laughing/kissing. No sex, she was on her period, and was clear that was no sex time...I was OK with this. (I truly do believe she was on her period.) There was slight oddness a couple nights there, as there wasn't a clear line on how intimate we could get, but I don't think this was overly odd given the situation.

 

After returning, she got dropped off. Usual hug and 'see you later'. That night, I got a text (after a few other texts) that she had an issue and was struggling with it. She mentioned that when we left on the trip, in her driveway as leaving, she saw my phone call list (I put the phone up in a holder and use it as a map/gps...I was hiding nothing) and said it was almost all my ex-wife. I checked my phone then..yep, there were many calls to/from...but they were one conversation we had where calls (whatsapp) kept dropping and reconnecting; service at my house is abysmal. (GF did know this fact). She said she was 'stuck' and didn't want to feel like a rebound, she said she knew I was talking with her, but not at that frequency. I responded and said that yes, my ex and I talk, and that that list of subsequent calls was a bunch of dropouts and reconnects, but that we did talk as much as a couple times a week about cats and sometimes her and my ex wifes new bf (this is true only in spurious context, it was generally more like once a week to once every couple weeks, rarely 'few times a week', but I did say it). I mentioned that my ex wife and I were trying to be friends, and that my ex would actually like to meet her knowing that we could only be friends if she (my GF) and my ex's new bf were OK with it. I mentioned we should talk in the AM. My intention was simply being totally forthright, I didn't want to hide or cover anything, and while I did want to be friends with the ex, it was NOT by any means a priority.

 

We met the next morning at a coffee shop. GF said she didn't understand talking to an ex at all; that she did not talk to any of hers. She asked why I did it...understand that during this whole conversation I was off guard and anxious (I get anxious, can't help it, especially put on the spot). I mentioned that I liked talking to her, but there was no chance we'd ever get back together, and that we were just trying to remain friends (all so true!...never would I get back with ex, but I meant well keeping in touch...ex wife same). GF mentioned that she felt felt I relied on my ex to be the person to talk to, and that she wanted to be that person. I said of course I wanted that too, and that there was nothing of significance there and what we were doing was innocent and that I would be more than happy to stop talking to the EX (And I fully meant this!)...GF said she didn't want to be the person to say 'you must'...I offered my phone to let her see what trival things we texted about (cats, we had 4, I kept 2 she kept 2...and we talked about plans with our new GF/BFs). She did not check my phone, she didn't want to be that person either. She said she needed time, and would get back to me.

 

That night, she texted that "we are great together, fit well, and had lots of fun. You are wonderful"..but she "couldn't reconcile that she would be the reason I stopped talking to the ex" and that she couldn't say that she wouldn't have lingering feeling about it. She promised to return $500 I had paid for a trip we had planned, a non-refundable flight (my portion, she had to go anyway as she had a work class...I was invited to tag along). I asked to call, we talked, and she said she was sorry it was black and white, no grey, and that even though we had agreed and said we wanted LTR each, this was too serious an issue. In my heart I know it isn't a serious issue, but I think I understand her belief that it is...if one assumes the worst or had past experience with regards to similar behavior; and I understand that talking to an ex does often mean there is lingering feelings and want by one or the other to get back together...I can say with 100% certainty here that this is not the case here. I told her she could just pay me back half or whatever she felt appropriate if she was sure.

 

Two days later I met her to get the money and give her some stuff she left at my house. There wasn't much talking. I gave her a drawing I had done of her (a pencil drawing of her face...she knew I had started it before the breakup) and a letter. The letter was from the heart. I explained that she meant a lot to me, that the ex wasn't significant and it was something I didn't realize would lead to this, and thanked her for opening my eyes to so many great things we experienced together, and wished her well regardless of whether together or not. It was a full page pencil written letter. She gave the full $500 to me and said she couldn't get a refund but felt bad about the situation.

 

Nothing back regarding the letter I wrote... Next night I wrote a text, quite long, explaining the relationship between my ex and I, how we were together and simply decided to try and be friends. That there were serious relationship issues, but that we ended in a place where we both respected each other, but had 0% interest in getting back togethre...and that I was more than willing to end communication with the ex. The day of the breakup I called my ex to tell her that we had to stop talking, and explained the situation...she was also shocked, and agreed that we should stop...of course too late for this situation. Point being that neither of us had nefarious intent.

 

Now it's 3+ weeks later, and no feedback regarding my letter or the text I sent. I truly expected some form of response, good or bad.

 

The GF, during that last phone call, mentioned how she was breaking up because it was unfair to me to 'put the relationship on hold', and that 'maybe she'd check in in a few months and see where I'm at'.

 

I haven't texted or written since the last long text, and removed her as a facebook friend as I unhealthily kept checking her profile (she never posts, but I figured it wasn't a good thing to keep checking).

 

I don't know what to make of this. I know some will believe that talking to the ex was/is wrong, but I meant no ill itent. As they say, hindsight is everything. I'm most perplexed, as are all that run into a sudden breakup, that something seemingly trival and that which could be fixed seemingly easily could end what was otherwise a great relationship. Yes, it's possible there was something else which triggered the breakup, and this was an 'excuse' (I did x or y or z, but she blamed this)...but I don't believe that is true. i had every intent to be completely faithful, would have gone 'all in' with and for her and it hurts feeling like I broke a critical layer of trust, even though unintentional.

 

Thoughts? Can this be saved...if you belive so how? Are the thoughts I have about this simply being something that would pop back up and re-occur rational (stemming from a possible insecurity by her)... or if this could be saved is there a way to end up with a stronger relationship from it?

 

Lost and trying to understand; help me see all the sides here.

[schlumpy]

You meet this special, over-the-top, once-in-a-lifetime woman and you lose her because you can't quit talking to your EX?

 

You didn't really need to talk with your EX except that you - kind of liked talking to her.

 

Instead of telling your fantastic new girl friend, when this was first discovered, that you would stop talking to your EX you just let it meander on until she's tired of waiting for you to end it so she ends it.

 

I respect your ultimate woman for protecting herself by not believing what you told her but making an informed decision based on your actions.

 

 

You only have yourself to blame.

[PRW]

It doesn't matter how great she seemed to be. If she dumped you over this,...then you were going to get dumped for something sooner or later. It was just a matter of time. She is insecure, and insecure people pretty much always accuse the other person of cheating, in fact that is probably the #1 problem with dating an insecure person (stalker behavor being #2). They will even dump you because you might cheat even though they know that you never actually did it,...which is rather cowardly of them.

 

As far as your Ex,...if you are on good terms then there is no reason you should hide from each other. Granted you may not want to hang out together as "best buddies" but you certainly don't want to be dating someone that thinks you have to treat an ex as if they are dead to you. This GF said she basically treated her exes as if they were dead but it isn't right to expect everyone else to treat theirs the same way. How much would she have freaked out if you had kids with your Ex and your GF had to see her twice a week when the kids were brought back and forth for visits?

[Marc878]

Hopefully you've learned a good lesson here.

 

No woman is gonna want an X in the mix. You are divorced which means everything should be separate. Especially with no kids. You didn't mention any.

 

How would you like a gf who kept her X close?

 

Your Xgf did the smart thing as I would have done. The thing you see over and over is contact with an X often switches back to romance. So your Xgf got out before going through that.

[elaine567]

Many people will not tolerate a ex in their relationship,

Relationships are hard enough without an ex complicating things.

 

You only got divorced in Feb, so your new gf being a rebound was definitely a possibility, add in your new "best friend ex", then I guess she decided to bail for her own protection.

Women tend to want a strong emotional connection with their man.

Your gf can't have that with you, whilst there is another significant woman in the mix.

Women can be highly territorial, meeting up with the ex-wife is the last thing they want, they want her GONE and to forget she ever existed.

[Tamfana]

You’ve been divorced for less than a year = high rebound and flaking risks.

 

You want to talk with your ex and be her friend = emotional ties remain.

 

There was a string of calls between you = many calls to/from an ex mean unfinished business

 

Your response to GF’s concern was to explain that you want the relationship with the ex = that’s all she needed to know.

 

The ex-GF’s right. If it makes you feel any better, a lot of newly-divorced people think the way you do. However, because so many do, many people won’t date them.

[Beendaredonedat]

I don't consider her as being "insecure" as one poster has alluded to but rather with good boundaries in place and smart enough to look after her own emotional health.

 

I will say though that if you had told me that you were going to stop talking to your ex once you realized it upset me, then I would have given you the benefit of the doubt and I wouldn't have broken up with you (at least not over having talked to your ex).

 

I do agree with your (ex) g/f in that this could very well have ended up as a rebound type thing since you haven't been single that long so there's that.

 

Sorry it ended up like it has but at least you are aware that a whole lot of women don't take kindly to ex's remaining in the picture when there are no children involved. When you keep up with an ex when there is no children then it's a preference and not a necessity.

[Londy]

I would totally dump a person if they were in regular contact with their ex.

 

 

It's rather interesting that you don't realize how wrong this is.

[preraph]

I think it's her being a different type person from you with exes. She is the type NEVER talks to them again. You are the type that has cats you shared and are able to be friends.

 

Now, be honest, is one of you wanting to get back together? You said you weren't, but is she? Usually the one who got dumped is wanting back together. That's why anyone dating you would be nervous about it, especially since you are somewhat close.

 

I think it's a problem when one or the other is actually angling to get back together. And often one or the other is.

 

That said, my two or three exes that I was real close to, I certainly did talk to them, and it was mostly me carrying the torch, but once I moved on to the next guy, I wasn't wanting back the one before, but it is a fine line.

[fromheart]

She sounds awful.

 

You can be friends with whom you want. She sounds very jealous and controlling.

 

If a woman starts checking my phone, I dump her. And never, ever offer your phone to someone to check.

 

You'd told her the truth, she chose to believe the movie in her head. So just tell her that if she deceides to trust you to give you a call, but you're going to walk on and not look back. Then NC. Possessions can be posted, money on paypal.

 

Don't give long letters and texts in these situations, you've told her once and if once is not enough nothing ever will be.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

This was a painful read. I’m F, and find that it is hard enough to feel secure when early dating, that having an Ex around just makes it all the harder to trust (the other person but mostly your own judgement).

I totally get where she was at. It is more about the emotional turmoil that occurs about the situation. You question where you are on the priority list and then you feel like horrible person for having those feelings.

 

Also the frequency is a big red flag. Had the contact been once every few months, then it would not be so bad. But couple times a week? Come on! really?

 

I’m sad to say that once those emotions are encountered they can never be forgotten.

[DKT3]

Hmm...why do I get the impression that she was dating more then just you?

 

I doubt you're ready for a real relationship just yet. Take your time, date casually and heal from your divorce.

[mark clemson]

I agree with ALL of the posts above. Meaning that some people would feel a lot more threatened than others by this. It's based on their views and their experiences; what they think is reasonable or not, etc.

 

Taking that into account, if you must contact your ex multiple times a week, realize that will make you "undateable" for a significant portion of your potential new partners.

 

You should think about whether its worth catering to their views vs. worth losing the potential to have them. It's clear you thought this new GF was great, maybe she was. Maybe she would have dumped you anyhow over something else, maybe not.

 

How much is your friendship with the ex over cats worth to you?

 

How much are people who would be bothered by that friendship "your type"?

 

This is your opportunity/wake up call to sort this out.

[assertives]

I didn't get the vibe that she was insecure. She sounds like one of those black and white kind of people. She's even said as much. There's nothing wrong with that, just that you guys may not be compatible in terms of your views/approach wrt to exs. She's not looking for someone who'll "change" and stop talking to an ex for her. She's probably looking for someone who also believes in a clean, no contact, no strings left break, coming into a new relationship. She tried to understand why you needed to/wanted to/preferred to keep in touch with your ex wife, but ultimately decided nope out probably because it's one of those things that's a deal-breaker to her, and there are no 2 ways about it. Seems like she's clear about what kind of dynamic she wants/do not want in a relationship.

 

She's already told you she's not one who keeps in touch with exs, and frankly, I'd say her actions post-breakup so far is consistent with what she said since she has also not been contacting you after the breakup either.

[Maddie82]

She sounds awful. You can be friends with whom you want. She sounds very jealous and controlling.If a woman starts checking my phone, I dump her. And never, ever offer your phone to someone to check.

 

You'd told her the truth, she chose to believe the movie in her head. So just tell her that if she decides to trust you to give you a call, but you're going to walk on and not look back.

 

Is this based off a personal experience here? Sounds very much like it. The GF here actually took the very mature approach. Nothing jealous and controlling about her. And she didn't check his phone. If you read the post properly you will see that he offered to show her but she didn't because she didn't want to be that person. The OP is still emotionally connected to his ex-wife. There may be no romantic feelings but still connected and have allot of history. He didn't offer to stop talking to this ex either when the GF became uncomfortable with it (his mistake). He lacks boundaries. She did the right thing.

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fromheart]

Is this based off a personal experience here? Sounds very much like it. The GF here actually took the very mature approach. ......

Respectfully disagree! Yeah, had a gf years ago who wouldn't allow me to talk to ex's. When that rule was established, I wasn't allowed to talk to female friends. Then any women whatsoever.

 

There's no limits to jealousy and insecurity. If someone chats to an ex wife as a friend and nothing more, what's the big deal? If there is a betrayal going on, that person will betray at some point anyway.

 

And a hot woman is constantly getting hit on, much more chance of her going off with someone on the street, than an ex it didn't work out with.

 

So if the concern is he/she will betray you with an ex, they're less likely to do that with an ex. If they are going to betray, they'll do that anyway.

 

If the issue is retroactive jealousy, not talking to an ex will not stop that in any shape or form.

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tamfana]

I agree with ALL of the posts above. Meaning that some people would feel a lot more threatened than others by this. ...

 

I'm not sure that "threatened" is what people feel. When I met or started dating someone who was recently divorced, communicating with the ex frequently and trying hard to preserve a remnant of the old relationship I backed away because of the inevitable drama. It is unnecessary drama for the single person dating the person who is still not settled and hasn't worked out an old relationship.

[Maddie82]

Yeah, had a gf years ago who wouldn't allow me to talk to ex's. When that rule was established, I wasn't allowed to talk to female friends. Then any women whatsoever.

That's a very shallow and immature prospective. The OPs gf is a mature woman who took the grown up initiative. Learn from it. There is always an emotional tie with the ex wife. A history. That's very intimidating for a woman. OP is the one that didn't think and didn't shut it down when he should have. Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Everyone has their deal-breakers, things they cannot put up with in a relationship.

Ex wives being in close contact without any kids involved I guess is a dealbreaker for many many women, not only the OP's gf.

I don't actually see many men putting up with an ex husband wanting to be their gf's BFF either...

[fromheart]

That's a very shallow and immature prospective. The OPs gf is a mature woman who took the grown up initiative. Learn from it. There is always an emotional tie with the ex wife. A history. That's very intimidating for a woman. OP is the one that didn't think and didn't shut it down when he should have.

 

The emotional tie is there or it isn't, communication or lack of isn't going to change that. If he's communicating with an ex without an emotional tie, then there's no problem.

 

The OPs ex is an ex for a reason. Anyone who restricts your communication and friendships, who can't respect your word and who cause's unnecessary drama for no reason has to go.

Edited September 11, 2019 by fromheart

[fromheart]

I don't actually see many men putting up with an ex husband wanting to be their gf's BFF either...

 

Well, a woman isn't going to be my property and she can be friends with whom she likes.

[elaine567]

The OPs ex is an ex for a reason. Anyone who restricts your communication, who can't respect your word and whi cause's unnecessary drama for no reason has to go.

 

She has already removed herself from the "drama".

Single people tend not to want to get involved in "married" people's baggage.

[Mrin]

In my experience people fall into two camps on staying in touch with your ex's: 1) oh hell to the no and 2) sure thing. It really is Black or White. People with low confidence obviously fallen to the first camp. But that's not to say everybody here is adamantly against it has low confidence. Not only do they not like an ex hanging around, they see no reason for it in the first place. They see a connection with an ex being purely romantic. If there is not a romantic angle there than there is no connection at all. Period. so the fact that you want to remain in contact with your ex means it must be romantic and it is viewed through that lens and that lens only.

 

People in the other camp don't have this romantic only viewpoint. They can see a connection being sustained between two exes and only being platonic or friendship based.

 

You can see these two camps clearly manifesting and the responses you've received thus far to your post. I'm a camp 2 type guy myself.

 

In my experience people of opposite camps should not try to be in a relationship with each other. It just doesn't work.

 

You might want to fill out the next woman to see where she lands camp wise before getting too far down the road. the easiest way is just to ask her about her connections with her exes.

[mark clemson]

I'm not sure that "threatened" is what people feel.

 

 

Agree - there are no doubt a variety of perspectives and emotions on the "no-Ex's" side. Was not intended as a blanket statement, but probably came across as one. My bad.

[fromheart]

She has already removed herself from the "drama".

Single people tend not to want to get involved in "married" people's baggage.

 

Better choose a virgin from a balanced family then, because everyone has baggage.