Another date to add to the list.

[Maddie82]

Did i actually say discount physical attraction completely? No, i actually didn't say anything of the sort and you know it. I'm trying to get you to see that looks aren't everything. It's not the most important aspect. There are women out there who have big hearts, lots to offer, wonderful personalities, loving and loyal and smart, but you'd easily kick them to the curb if they didn't look like a movie star. Can you not see how incredible shallow you are? Can you not see that this is an awful quality in a man?

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[ZA Dater]

I never said they must look like a movie star, I was merely commenting that a prior date did. Her personality actually outshone her looks if that matters.

 

However unfortunately I have been on dates with MANY people I found unattractive hoping that I may find their personalities attractive and unfortunately that was never the case.

 

If anyone gives people the benefit of the doubt its me, but I asked myself why I bother.

 

Apparently I have nothing to offer so dating for me now is like browsing a catalogue and looking at nice pictures, I know none of the people are going to want me so I'll just browse.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Maddie82]

Not the right attitude to have.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[basil67]

Its not like I have a lot of reason to change now, change to what exactly?

 

The reason to change now is about setting yourself up for the future. Change takes a long time (decades of it for me) and if you leave it till you've met someone worth changing for, it's already too late. Do you really want to meet another girl of your dreams and to lose her because you haven't done the work?

 

What should you change to? There are lots of changes which can be done, but I'd start with Conversation 101: Small talk. Not only how to do it, but the reasons why we do it and how to segue out of it into real conversation. Yes, it's boring but it serves a short term purpose to help us reach a long term goal.

[ZA Dater]

Just don't have the motivation. That's the truth and I don't have decades.

 

I'll get slammed for this but honestly I have zero motivation, its not like there is a list of great people I am chasing. I tried this with K and pretty much lost that before I even started.

 

My own logical mind says I can do what I want but the awkwardness and inexperience wont suddenly vanish and I punished for those two things. Sitting here I cannot think of one reason or one probability where I would meet anyone I liked as whole.

 

Basically whatever I do the result will always be same, this of course being a completely defeatist attitude.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Maddie82]

Then you will never get anywhere.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[ZA Dater]

Guess not. Have not really gotten anywhere anyway, I just liken it to sitting on a bench watching waves roll in, people pairing up while I just sit alone.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Maddie82]

If that's how you want to live your life then that's your choice.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[ZA Dater]

A choice dictated to me by circumstance. I just thought I had more value on the dating market than I do.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Maddie82]

Clearly not, because your shallowness devalues you.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[ZA Dater]

Its good to know wanting to date attractive people is being shallow. As I say everyone that walks this earth is shallow to varying degrees.

 

Nah being no conformist makes me an undesirable choice and being judgemental makes me undesirable. Maybe its better to watch than actually get involved in the game.

Edited September 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[justwhoiam]

1: I cycle, work on my novel, drive my cars, go to he beach, walk in the forest, meet up with friends sometimes. The odd road trip, breakfast runs.

Ok. My suggestion is: don't give it all out at once. Mention you like riding your bike, spending some time with your friends and writing, adding that you have other interests but you don't feel like boring her will all the details right away, and that she can get to know that little by little (this would raise interest in a second date).

 

2: As per above but add arrange events for the car club I run.

You can say you arrange events for a car club. Again, don't get into too much detail. And you can add with a smile: it'd be interesting to see if you might like it, what do you think?

 

5: No, more important priorities

I would change the attitude here. Women love enthusiasts, not downers. If you are open to the idea of travelling and would enjoy it, you could say: I actually never had a partner who really enjoyed travelling so I focused on other things so far, but it's something I'd love to do with the right person.

7: I believe in being a good person.

This statement would make me think you're so self-absorbed. And maybe you'd give the wrong impression. For me that would be a dealbreaker. So I guess your dating pool would further shrink. People who believe in something would love to share their beliefs, traditions, customs. I see that as an opportunity for cultural and spiritual enrichment. This is something you need to decide for yourself. If you're open to the possibility of embracing that, make sure you let your date know. You said your family celebrates holidays, but what kind of holidays? Like Christmas? Or what? Anyway, how can you let your date know? With a different statement, like: "I don't have strong religious views, but I had a (insert whatever your case, e.g. Christian) upbringing."

8: Not applicable

You answer "not applicable"?? You could say instead, jokingly: "I'm still looking for my longest relationship". Then you could add: when I was younger, I was more career-oriented, and the girls that I had met were too, I thought there'd be time for that later on. And that's why I'm dating now".

9: Ambition, intelligence, well spoken, confident, honest, good general knowledge, well spoken, classy, pretty to me, supportive.

It's funny that you mentioned "well-spoken" twice. My suggestion is: brush up your grammar and vocabulary if you aim at a well-spoken girlfriend. Because quite likely she will pay attention to your language skills. For instance you wrote "Pretty women", instead of "Pretty woman" (even the pronunciation is different). You made a fine list of qualities. That's good!

14: I like money and the things it can buy.

Ok, but tone it down, maybe you can add "but I'm aware money can't buy the most important things in life!"

15: Red, Green, Blue

I had said "color", not colors! Pay attention

16: Asking a girl out in front of about 30 people and being turned down, this was when I was 16yo. Never forgotten it.

Now we finally got to know how you got so sour.

 

During the date: make eye contact, be light-hearted, optimistic, smile now and then. Dress up like Seinfeld lately, maybe avoiding sneakers and preferring boots. Don't go to a date thinking of any previous date, because that would influence you negatively.

 

Be a bit selective when you pick a woman you'll invite on a date. For instance, you could have avoided the one with the annoying accent if only you had talked to her on the phone. We all have pet peeves. If you already know that you don't feel like being with a woman who's 6 ft tall, avoid dating her.

You would benefit from having at least a couple of female friends. They can introduce you to other women and your circle would expand. Maybe there's a local cycling club where you live, maybe there are events at your local library, where you can meet people. Try a few of those. You never know where they can lead. You might make a few friends.

 

And that's already good advice to start from.

Edited September 17, 2019 by justwhoiam

[justwhoiam]

Just don't have the motivation. [...] I have zero motivation

If you date without being motivated, you're setting yourself up for failure. Go on a date with the intent of having a good time. Many guys settle down around your age, so it's not that you missed the bus. Be relaxed and fun. And enjoy.

 

If you're not enjoying life, it shows. You have so many interests, and I don't think you don't enjoy life. You're writing a book, you run a club you most likely are passionate about, you like being in the nature...

 

I know there are also cruises for singles. You might try one of those, it could be fun. I guess that would rule out the drunkies & lowlife.

[ZA Dater]

During the date: make eye contact, be light-hearted, optimistic, smile now and then. Dress up like Seinfeld lately, maybe avoiding sneakers and preferring boots. Don't go to a date thinking of any previous date, because that would influence you negatively.

 

.

 

I do the eye contact thing, I do the light hearted conversation thing BUT mostly I am going on dates with people who will go on dates with me versus going on dates with people I actually want to date.

 

Quite literally I am taking the advice of "give people a chance" which I why when I am called superficial I find it quite laughable. Unfortunately after many, many dates where I know within 5 minutes the person doesn't interest me I have become quite cynical.

 

Female friends never introduce me to anyone ever really, I genuinely don't know anyone who has had female friends ever introduce them to anyone. I am very much seen as a project.

 

My pet peeves are apathy and a lack of ambition. Ultimately I just don't connect with dates, they never seem to want me and I just feel like its a completely pointless endeavour for me. For the guy who has the social life, is fun to be around, the looks, the charm, it must be a huge amount of fun, ladies find those guys exciting and I have seen it because I cannot compete there so I just end up being the guy people sort of find handy to have around but nobody will really give much attention to.

 

I'd like someone to prove me wrong and actually give me a nice experience but until then I suspect my every more cynical views were remain.

Edited September 17, 2019 by ZA Dater

[NuevoYorko]

You will never get a woman with this attitude. You need to change your way of thinking.

 

Well on this topic I think we need to give him a break. Who wants to go out with someone that they don't find attractive?

 

My enduring issue is with ZA's refusal to accept that women have the same right to require attraction in their partners that he knows he does.

 

Pages and pages dedicated to the unfairness of it all - that reliably morph into disparaging statements about women in general because they so dare ...

 

Its an unattractive personality trait that surely comes through in real life encounters. More to the point for ZA though, it's like running directly into a wall every time. That train of thought is a dead end and will always be.

Edited September 17, 2019 by NuevoYorko

[BaileyB]

My enduring issue is with ZA's refusal to accept that women have the same right to require attraction in their partners that he knows he does.

 

Pages and pages dedicated to the unfairness of it all...

 

Agree. ZA, you can belabour the point for as long as you like and continue to bemoan about the fact that women reject you for the very same reason that you reject them... but where is that going to get you?

[ZA Dater]

I don't disagree with at all, they can choose whoever they like. The fact I feel that society has made irrelevant character traits highly desirable for dating purposes is irrelevant.

 

Answer this question if you will, I am slim, athletic but the majority of people who like me on Tinder boost are over weight. What goes through their minds? What is it that makes them think I might be interested? I know the life of the party isn't going to be interested in me because I am too shy so I don't even bother trying with those sorts of people, I also don't bother trying with extremely good looking people because they have endless choice and my 'issues" will mean I have no chance whatsoever.

 

Ok I'll try but I expect no success so there is no element of surprise.

 

What I do take exception to is being told "oh well you must look past physical appearance" why must I? Why must I when pretty much nobody does?

 

I went on this particular date to see if I stepped out the box of what I like if I could like an alternative to that. It didn't really work.

 

Obviously people can like who they want it just seems most are better at actually going out with people they do like whereas I rarely ever go on dates with people I do find appealing and when I do I need to work so incredibly hard to try make it work, sell like a use car dealer trying to make his profit margins on the last day of the month. Or I don't sell too much and still go nowhere.

 

Which has lead me to the conclusion the entire thing is incredibly petty and for some us we have a better chance of wining the lottery than going out on really great dates. I don't help my case I know that but honestly I like what I like and more importantly I know what I don't like.

[ZA Dater]

Agree. ZA, you can belabour the point for as long as you like and continue to bemoan about the fact that women reject you for the very same reason that you reject them... but where is that going to get you?

 

I never need to reject them because I have hardly ever find them attractive to begin with and its not like any of them bother to amplify their good attributes so the whole date turns into a business meeting devoid of any real feeling or emotion, I might as well be concluding a property deal, the difference is a deal is interesting the majority of these dates haven't been but I am going get called judgemental and maybe she was shy or nervous of whatever. My experience is women don't give me that benefit of the doubt, perhaps three have but for the rest it was like they simply threw me on a scrap heap so no I don't not going cry over spilt milk.

 

If I look at the dates I really did enjoy it was because I felt some sort of intellectual connection with them they held my attention made me think, there was a wonderful balance of intellect and physical attractiveness which I found VERY appealing. This is a great feeling, perhaps one of the best but is SO HARD to find, for me I'd wager close to impossible. A lot of what I feel is intense irritation that nothing I do ever works, that I cant find more of these people, that I get judged for pathetic things like not drinking, not having any relationships.

 

That irritation manifest itself in "facts not in evidence to those other than me", what I mean by this is when you have had as many bad experiences the ENTIRE experience of everything becomes bad and its impossible to extract anything good from it, never mind confidence.

 

I do care about others, in some cases profoundly but being thoughtful and caring in that way just gets me used for those qualities and more than that those qualities fall short because women don't want that, seemingly most would rather have the hot popular loud mouthed guy, sorry this based on my own experience when I did try to compete, yes I DID go to CLUBS and BARS but it was ultimately pointless because I could never win against those guys. I asked myself why ladies bought into that and concluded that there must be something attractive about that but for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is.

 

Fundamentally I guess those first two rejections didn't do much good, nor did never really finding any real success. I am far from faultless and arguably the decisions I made 20 years are go directly lead to where I am now, I cant change that, I cant change the fact politics interested me more than going to discos. I cant change the fact rugby doesn't interest me either, I cant change the fact I never bought into the macho gym built look, fundamentally I wont be everyone's cup of tea and I regret that because not conforming is a cold place to find oneself.

[justwhoiam]

I am going on dates with people who will go on dates with me versus going on dates with people I actually want to date.

Then stop doing that! Be more selective. Instead of arranging 10 different dates, make two meaningful ones.

 

 

But most of all, don't put all your hopes in OLD. Look elsewhere as I suggested in my previous post. Try Smartdate. Try the following:

https://joburg.co.za/speed-dating-events-singles-city/

Try options that will give you the chance to meet women in person instead of arranging blind dates (because in the end, that's what they are).

[justwhoiam]

I am slim, athletic

If you feel like, upload a picture online on Imgbb, then send me the link so I can see it. I will give you my personal opinion on your looks. 100% honest.

 

the majority of people who like me on Tinder boost are over weight

According to statistics, 70% of women in South Africa are overweight. So it's no surprise. Also, had you been dating earlier, chances of being overweight at 18, 20 or 22 are slimmer, but you are 35 and attracting an older crowd.

 

What is it that makes them think I might be interested?

Why not? I see all sorts of couples around. She's obese and he's thin. He's obese and she's thin. He's a giant, she's 4 ft something. All kinds, really. Because - as they say - love is blind. Also, there are guys who love curvy, natural big breasts, etc. Just think that in many countries, people get bigger butts surgically, with implants. So that means that those things are appealing to some.

 

I know the life of the party isn't going to be interested in me because I am too shy

More likely, they wouldn't be interested because you're a party pooper. I can be the life of the party, so I know.

 

so I don't even bother trying with those sorts of people

So you're contraddicting yourself. You keep saying that you should date people you're attracted to. Don't pick a woman for a date thinking this is what I can aim at. You should pick her because you found something intriguing in her, because you like her, because you're attracted to her. Never approach a woman with the feeling of "I'm out of her league" or stopping yourself from doing so for the same reason.

 

I also don't bother trying with extremely good looking people because they have endless choice and my 'issues" will mean I have no chance whatsoever.

By personal experience, that's a wrong assumption. One of my cousins was very good looking: tall, slim, athletic, fair hair, blue eyes, but she couldn't find guys interested in her enough to take her out. We'd go out together and I witnessed guys telling her she was not sexy and that she should take a page out of my book (I'm a few years younger). I was quite embarassed. But this proves your theory has exceptions for sure. What was she lacking? I don't know. Maybe a combination of factors: having fair hair she wouldn't wax nor shave and guys notice those things, she would mainly wear casual clothes or sportswear, she was not very feminine in the way she'd carry herself, she wasn't very talkative with people she didn't know and at times a bit curt. Because of all of that combined and probably other things and despite her good looks, she wouldn't get dates nor raise interest. Edited September 17, 2019 by justwhoiam

[BaileyB]

I don't disagree with at all, they can choose whoever they like. The fact I feel that society has made irrelevant character traits highly desirable for dating purposes is irrelevant.

 

What I do take exception to is being told "oh well you must look past physical appearance" why must I? Why must I when pretty much nobody does?

 

Which has lead me to the conclusion the entire thing is incredibly petty and for some us we have a better chance of wining the lottery than going out on really great dates. but honestly I like what I like and more importantly I know what I don't like.

 

In the words of Dr. Phil, your response is the equivalent of “yeah, but...”

 

Answer this question if you will, I am slim, athletic but the majority of people who like me on Tinder boost are over weight. What goes through their minds? What is it that makes them think I might be interested? .

 

Maybe they give you more credit than you deserve... respectfully, perhaps they don’t expect you to be as superficial as you are... perhaps, they are trying to find someone too and they are willing to meet you and decide if THE PERSON that you are is someone they would want to get to know.

[basil67]

Answer this question if you will, I am slim, athletic but the majority of people who like me on Tinder boost are over weight. What goes through their minds? What is it that makes them think I might be interested?

 

Well, the bolded part certainly explains a few things

 

You're tall, slim and athletic? So what? That's nothing to write home about. Honestly, I'm shocked at the you've just put yourself on such a pedestal, sitting up there looking down on others for their gall to think you might be worth getting to know.

 

As you judge others by their exterior, I guess it's hard for you to conceive that not everyone does this. While one's exterior casing may help in securing a first date, it's what's inside that counts. These women who think you might be interested have likely found something you've written interesting and think there's a chance of a bond. That's why they think you might be interested.

 

Look around when you're out. Take your blinkers off and see the diversity of people who are together.

 

I know the life of the party isn't going to be interested in me because I am too shy so I don't even bother trying with those sorts of people, I also don't bother trying with extremely good looking people because they have endless choice and my 'issues" will mean I have no chance whatsoever.

 

You'd be surprised. The life of the party is frequently a person who can talk to anyone and appreciate what they have to offer. Sure, they may not want to date you...but male or female, don't discount them straight off the bat.

 

Re a good looking woman, if you're at an event and you're introduced to her, do you not bother talking with her or engage in conversation?

[basil67]

The fact I feel that society has made irrelevant character traits highly desirable for dating purposes is irrelevant.

 

Irrelevant to you. Not irrelevant to everyone else.

Edited September 18, 2019 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

Originally Posted by ZA Dater

Answer this question if you will, I am slim, athletic but the majority of people who like me on Tinder boost are over weight. What goes through their minds? What is it that makes them think I might be interested?

 

Why don't you turn it around and answer it yourself?

 

Belinda is vibrant, creative and spontaneous.

 

Some people on Tinder who like her are unfriendly, rigid and dogmatic.

 

What goes through their minds? What makes them think she might be interested?

[ZA Dater]

As you judge others by their exterior, I guess it's hard for you to conceive that not everyone does this. While one's exterior casing may help in securing a first date, it's what's inside that counts. These women who think you might be interested have likely found something you've written interesting and think there's a chance of a bond. That's why they think you might be interested.....

 

With respect I think most of the above depends on the situation and is by no means universal. I never get introduced to good looking ladies because, well those good looking ladies all have boyfriends.

 

Where I live I don't see any diversity, its like with like and nothing else. Unless of course there is vast wealth involved then sure I might see the opposite of that.

 

A chance of a bond. Based on a picture? Not sure about that to be honest, I don't look at a picture and think "hey I could bond with her". The guy friends I have look at a picture and its "she is hot" not if they can bond with her, unless bond means to sleep with her.

 

I agree its what's inside which counts but again I don't really find anyone that interesting. A Doctor who works with terminally ill kids in a Denver hospital is much more interesting to me than a 29yo au pair. This is probably because since forever people told me I couldn't do this and do that but mostly I proved them wrong so I can really admire someone who takes the difficult road instead of the easy one.

Edited September 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator