Another date to add to the list.

[normal person]

I don't consider disclosure to be sabotage.

 

Well, considering you have an admitted lack of knowledge in this area, maybe you should reconsider, because it's hard to spin it any other way for anyone who knows what they're doing. I'm all for full disclosure, I'd want to know long before I met someone if they had no job, an STD, an ex-husband, children, etc. People who willingly withhold that kind of pertinent information past a certain point deserve the ire they get. It's like signing up to play on a recreational sport team with a broken leg -- everyone else will just wonder why you wasted their time when they could've put someone else in the position. But I wouldn't put you in that category, you're not expected to disclose the fact that you just aren't at a level of proficiency you'd like to be at yet. Most people will give you the chance and accept the fact that dating inherently is a roll of the dice.

 

I think you can legitimately be given some benefit of the doubt here, don't take it away from yourself if you don't have to.

 

The answer is I am not.

 

Have you been tested recently? I know someone roughly your age who seemed off-beat in childhood, was taken to psychologists, etc. This was long before autism spectrum disorders were classified in the DSM-V (which was relatively recently), when most people hadn't even heard the word. Everyone just assumed he was depressed, troubled, weird, whatever. Now it's obvious that he's on the spectrum somewhere, and while it wasn't pleasant for him to hear at the time, it's since provided him with some clarity and relief that the problems he's faced his whole life aren't his fault, and now he can get on the right path going forward with better information on how to get the things he wants out of life.

 

I just meet very few people who interest me and hold my interest.

 

That's not the extent of your situation. You also have very stringent views about how the dating world "should" be coupled with an inability to accept and adapt to how they actually are. You also have a very binary view of a nuanced, complex social phenomenon and frequently say things like "women only like fake, terrible men, I guess being nice gets you nowhere," as if no woman can sniff out a terrible man, or as if no nice man is in a relationship, or as if no other combination of people and/or personalities has ever matched. You fail to see the opposite happening all around, yet because it's yet to happen to you personally, you can't fathom it. I'm just playing armchair psychologist, but to me, that seems like a clear lack of cognitive empathy, or the ability to view things from someone else's perspective -- most people find partners outside the bounds of this small box you've constructed, and you can't see it. Lack of empathy, or inability to express or convey it, is commonly linked with autism. I'm not giving you a diagnosis, but the suggestion doesn't seem totally off base either.

 

Another possibility is that you know your line of thought is wrong and won't admit it, because then you'd have to admit to yourself that the way you're doing things probably isn't going to get you the results you want, and you're too afraid to change. It's a lot easier to blame society than it is to do things that are uncomfortable. And it's not easy to change, but lots of things worth doing aren't easy.

 

I'd love to have been one of those super popular guys who can get ladies I want but everything with dating is a struggle.

 

Plenty of guys who aren't "super popular" find relationships.

 

Reality is there is a big gulf between what I like and what likes me so there is never likely to be enough compromise for me to accept someone who doesn't wow me. The same is true of everything I do, it has to wow me to some degree.

 

Can you examine the gulf further (without using reductive rhetoric like "women only like terrible men and no one likes nice men who read about politics")?

 

Most people have realistic expectations about their sexual market value. I know I'm not going to marry into royalty, or to a supermodel, they can certainly do better than me. But the things I bring to the table might are worth a lot to someone else whose sexual market value is more on par with my own. The market is assortive, you'll likely end up with basically on par with yourself across socio-economic status, morals, attitudes, looks, etc.

 

If you spend all my time fixated on marrying far beyond what's practical, you're bound to be unhappy. At some point you need to accept the realities of the market. What're the big differences between the women you like and yourself? What can you do to lessen the gap?

[Londy]

The answer is I am not [autistic]

 

 

No, the answer is you refuse to accept the possibility that you are. Denial doesn't make it "not so". You sound autistic, and many people have suggested it, for good reason.

 

 

I don't consider disclosure to be sabotage.

 

 

Of course you don't. That's one of the problems here. You have almost zero capacity for introspection, being self critical, learning from your mistakes and you've got an unwavering tendency to do the same thing over and over again despite poor results.

[ZA Dater]

I think you can legitimately be given some benefit of the doubt here, don't take it away from yourself if you don't have to.

 

Another possibility is that you know your line of thought is wrong and won't admit it, because then you'd have to admit to yourself that the way you're doing things probably isn't going to get you the results you want, and you're too afraid to change. It's a lot easier to blame society than it is to do things that are uncomfortable. And it's not easy to change, but lots of things worth doing aren't easy.

 

Plenty of guys who aren't "super popular" find relationships.

 

Can you examine the gulf further (without using reductive rhetoric like "women only like terrible men and no one likes nice men who read about politics")?

 

Most people have realistic expectations about their sexual market value. I know I'm not going to marry into royalty, or to a supermodel, they can certainly do better than me. But the things I bring to the table might are worth a lot to someone else whose sexual market value is more on par with my own. The market is assortive, you'll likely end up with basically on par with yourself across socio-economic status, morals, attitudes, looks, etc.

 

If you spend all my time fixated on marrying far beyond what's practical, you're bound to be unhappy. At some point you need to accept the realities of the market. What're the big differences between the women you like and yourself? What can you do to lessen the gap?

 

Ok the bold part is true, I am extremely stubborn and dogmatic. Everyone who knows me will say the same thing.

 

My popular reference is more to the fact they actually get better choice than I can get.

 

I am a fundamentally a realist but if the best I can do is an obese single mom I'd rather just have nothing at all, sit and work, go to Eastern Europe and have fun.

 

I am very practical and I try and select dates from that point of view and where I think you and I are on the same page is the fact one needs to find something to bring to the table that can differentiate yourself from others. Be it charm, be it a unique experience, be it sense of humour. I just simply haven't figure out what my marketable unique characteristic is.

 

Your advice is very helpful because its not wholly impractical and prescriptive. For example if most of this forum saw a picture of K, about 75% of people would deem her unattractive but her personality and average looks make her attractive to me. Ok C the date before this was Eva Green and stunning, the thing is it was HER who found ME attractive on Tinder so my looks cant be completely bad.

 

I agree perhaps the best thing for me to do would be to focus on narrowing the gap BUT I also need to take the whole dating thing less seriously, take that serious weight off my shoulders.

 

What drives me at life is the never ending want to simply try and do better, chase the experiences, I am very driven at what I want to do, has that come at a cost socially, probably but I still get a thrill from a deal, I enjoy my work day to day, I enjoy a challenge so in the dating context something that is too easy doesn't really "excite" me too much.

 

What I need to avoid doing is wallowing too much, see beyond the horrid tinder matches and maybe look at the world around me as whole, I don't have a lot to loose really BUT I do sometimes feel stuck.

 

All I tried to do with this date was try something different, a match I wouldn't normally consider I don't see anything fundamentally wrong with that.

 

Yes, I should perhaps park the cynicism somewhere else as difficult as that is because somehow I need to start with a clean slate. I need to find more confidence, funnily enough I did ok on this date, I did ok on the last one too so that's better. Could I cold approach, maybe I could but the context would be difficult because clubs and bars don't really work for.

 

Maybe I need to take the "nobody actually cares" and stop worrying about what other people think about me.

 

Fundamentally much of my life is about beating the odds, doing things people said I couldn't do, proving them wrong. A lot of that still drives but its an uneasy combination with dating because I usually try and similar driven people which is hard. I really adored date C because she was in politics and we had such great conversation and it was flowing and easy, she tapped into me and I shared more about me than I normally do. Maybe my ill fated kiss killed, I have to live with that mistake.

 

Like me she doesn't go out often and there was so much that would have worked. I might add she didn't block me.

 

I don't NEED dating but I do need companionship, someone to have dinner with, see the odd movies, share bits of life, phone up and chat to.

 

Ultimately I am haunted by being 35 with zero experience and it sits on my shoulder like a monkey.

[normal person]

Ok the bold part is true, I am extremely stubborn and dogmatic. Everyone who knows me will say the same thing.

 

I'm glad you can admit it, that's the first step in moving forward. Now it's time to stop deflecting attention with sayings like "women only like bad boys, etc." You're too smart to know that's not that case, and it's just a waste of time for the dozens of people here actually trying to help you. I understand your frustration but these threads will be a lot more beneficial for you if you just drop all that nonsense.

 

 

I am very practical and I try and select dates from that point of view and where I think you and I are on the same page is the fact one needs to find something to bring to the table that can differentiate yourself from others. Be it charm, be it a unique experience, be it sense of humour. I just simply haven't figure out what my marketable unique characteristic is.

 

You're smart and successful at least, that's more than a lot of people have. Just because it hasn't paid dividends yet doesn't mean it won't. And from what I've read, you seem like a nice, even empathetic guy, and even though in my previous post I alluded to your lack of cognitive empathy, I was pretty sure that the statements you make illustrating that were done consciously to further your arguments when you couldn't otherwise. I was basically just trying to get you to admit it. Anyways, if you're not "unique," it's certainly not the end of the world. There are plenty of women out there who on paper would love a smart, successful, sweet guy who doesn't necessarily subscribe to all the fads of society. You just may have to lose or hide some of your lesser qualities and continue searching for the right person. You also might have to resort to some unorthodox measures.

 

I will say this: I think your hurdles are largely mental, and the ones that aren't can likely be dealt with. I honestly believe you are smart enough to eventually figure this out and find someone, but up this point you've made some excuses for yourself. Despite what I've said, I don't think your real issue is the inability to figure a lot of these things out, but really what holds you back is your unwillingness to face them and deal with as they should be dealt with. I'm sure you can observe and decode human behavior at some level, but you also need to learn as much as you can (as uncomfortable as it can be) and put it into action. For example, on some level I'm sure you know that telling your dates how unsuccessful you've been isn't going to do you any favors. Yet you do it anyways, and you give yourself a convenient excuse for failure, rather than doing the hard, uncomfortable labor of trying to go the opposite route. You're smart, but not yet strong. You need to be both.

 

Another thing, I've actually found you to be both pretty reasonable and thick skinned at times, even when posters here (I'm sure I'm guilty of this myself) grow frustrated with you. As much as you try to deflect and derail, you're usually pretty civil and considerate of the discourse. For what it's worth, even though this isn't the best context, those are nice qualities to have, in my eyes. You seem like someone I could be friends with if you lived around here. Wild, I know.

 

 

What drives me at life is the never ending want to simply try and do better, chase the experiences, I am very driven at what I want to do, has that come at a cost socially, probably but I still get a thrill from a deal, I enjoy my work day to day, I enjoy a challenge so in the dating context something that is too easy doesn't really "excite" me too much.

 

Fundamentally much of my life is about beating the odds, doing things people said I couldn't do, proving them wrong.

 

 

I think those are really great, interesting things about you. If I was on a date with you, I'd want to hear a lot more about it, minus how much it's cost you socially.

 

I have hope for you yet. It might be a long road, but I do think someday you'll make it work.

[basil67]

Even if I did, a lack of manners would have been enough reason not to see her again.

 

If you hadn't been so horribly judgemental about her, and had met her because of genuine interest rather than boredom, I'd strongly agree with you that she was rude. But your attitude about her is so horrid that I think a lack of thank you on her part was Karma.

[Foxhall]

Good post, Normal Person

[chillii]

Ok the bold part is true, I am extremely stubborn and dogmatic. Everyone who knows me will say the same thing.

 

My popular reference is more to the fact they actually get better choice than I can get.

 

I am a fundamentally a realist but if the best I can do is an obese single mom I'd rather just have nothing at all, sit and work, go to Eastern Europe and have fun.

 

I am very practical and I try and select dates from that point of view and where I think you and I are on the same page is the fact one needs to find something to bring to the table that can differentiate yourself from others. Be it charm, be it a unique experience, be it sense of humour. I just simply haven't figure out what my marketable unique characteristic is.

 

Your advice is very helpful because its not wholly impractical and prescriptive. For example if most of this forum saw a picture of K, about 75% of people would deem her unattractive but her personality and average looks make her attractive to me. Ok C the date before this was Eva Green and stunning, the thing is it was HER who found ME attractive on Tinder so my looks cant be completely bad.

 

I agree perhaps the best thing for me to do would be to focus on narrowing the gap BUT I also need to take the whole dating thing less seriously, take that serious weight off my shoulders.

 

What drives me at life is the never ending want to simply try and do better, chase the experiences, I am very driven at what I want to do, has that come at a cost socially, probably but I still get a thrill from a deal, I enjoy my work day to day, I enjoy a challenge so in the dating context something that is too easy doesn't really "excite" me too much.

 

What I need to avoid doing is wallowing too much, see beyond the horrid tinder matches and maybe look at the world around me as whole, I don't have a lot to loose really BUT I do sometimes feel stuck.

 

All I tried to do with this date was try something different, a match I wouldn't normally consider I don't see anything fundamentally wrong with that.

 

Yes, I should perhaps park the cynicism somewhere else as difficult as that is because somehow I need to start with a clean slate. I need to find more confidence, funnily enough I did ok on this date, I did ok on the last one too so that's better. Could I cold approach, maybe I could but the context would be difficult because clubs and bars don't really work for.

 

Maybe I need to take the "nobody actually cares" and stop worrying about what other people think about me.

 

Fundamentally much of my life is about beating the odds, doing things people said I couldn't do, proving them wrong. A lot of that still drives but its an uneasy combination with dating because I usually try and similar driven people which is hard. I really adored date C because she was in politics and we had such great conversation and it was flowing and easy, she tapped into me and I shared more about me than I normally do. Maybe my ill fated kiss killed, I have to live with that mistake.

 

Like me she doesn't go out often and there was so much that would have worked. I might add she didn't block me.

 

I don't NEED dating but I do need companionship, someone to have dinner with, see the odd movies, share bits of life, phone up and chat to.

 

Ultimately I am haunted by being 35 with zero experience and it sits on my shoulder like a monkey.

 

 

 

 

STIll , your still only self sabotaging advertising it. You don't get past one or two dates anyway so they have zero need to know anyway.

You also nailed something above, saying they have all the choices but you have none , well that's it in a nutshell then , you must be aiming too high.

Because guys have just as many choices if they're aiming realistically, maybe possibly even more.Most of the women l met back when were the ones putting on the pressure , not me . lt's always been that way , but then l'm realistic and if you wanna get somewhere you gotta be too.

 

Another way in that way you shoot your self into a downer is in even saying that stuff, if they really had endless choices then they wouldn't still be single or dating you.

Read around ls , there's just as many single women that have been dealing with all this for years and years too, as men. The men just seem to do a helluva a lot more moaning about it.

Even just look at this one , she was dying for a real relationship that was pretty obvious, yet even in the prime of her life in that way, she's still single.

Edited September 11, 2019 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

Anyways, if you're not "unique," it's certainly not the end of the world. There are plenty of women out there who on paper would love a smart, successful, sweet guy who doesn't necessarily subscribe to all the fads of society. You just may have to lose or hide some of your lesser qualities and continue searching for the right person. You also might have to resort to some unorthodox measures.

 

For example, on some level I'm sure you know that telling your dates how unsuccessful you've been isn't going to do you any favors. Yet you do it anyways, and you give yourself a convenient excuse for failure, rather than doing the hard, uncomfortable labor of trying to go the opposite route. You're smart, but not yet strong. You need to be both.

 

Another thing, I've actually found you to be both pretty reasonable and thick skinned at times, even when posters here (I'm sure I'm guilty of this myself) grow frustrated with you. As much as you try to deflect and derail, you're usually pretty civil and considerate of the discourse.

 

I have a thick skin, earned from a life of conflict and experiences I wouldn't want anyone else to experience.

 

Of course telling dates about my lack of success isn't ideal but I can and have used this as a method of ensuring I get rejected instead of me having to hurt the other person by rejecting them. Ostensibly my view on dating is one must look for best one can get, go on dates, work on how the dates make you feel and the great ones really do make me feel great.

 

If there isn't that great feeling I am pretty reluctant to put in more effort. People will argue that's wrong but to me its like ordering a meal you don't like 20 times and hoping by the 20th time you actually like it.

 

The biggest problem is I don't really have any plan on dates, I just sort of wing it, learn about her, try keep the conversation light, try subtly sell my good attributes and hide the less fantastic ones but I always get the sense the shyness and lack of confidence is very obvious so I am always trying to hide those attributes away.

 

Sure unorthodox that's fine depending on what my objective is. The forum seems to forget for all my apparent ability to judge one of the nicest people to me was a Romanian stripper. She was a friend of a friend of a friend.

[basil67]

I would argue that it's actually quite normal to not have a plan on dates. OK, perhaps the PUA guys have a plan, but the rest of us really do wing it too. Thing is, you've got no idea what your partner is going to say or do, so there's no real way to plan how it goes anyway.

[BaileyB]

Preparing for a date is much like preparing for a job interview. You can prepare for a date by knowing yourself and having a plan of how you want to “sell yourself” - a few talking points that you want to share with your date so that she knows a little something about you. You can also be prepared with a few ideas of things you have in common that you may want to discuss during the date, if you know a little something about her.

 

But then, you really do have to wing it on the actual date/job interview because successfully interacting with another person means that you have to adapt to the situation and the respond to the other person.

 

Unfortunately, before you even meet the person you sell yourself short. It would be like walking into a job interview and saying “thanks for taking the time to meet with me, even though I have no experience and I don’t really have the skills to do the job.” Who in their right mind would hire you for a job if you presented yourself this way? Nobody, because you lack confidence and you make it very clear - although you dress up well for the interview, you are not the guy for the job.

 

But then, after the interview you try to convince yourself and others that you didn’t really want that job (even though you did). You complain about the interviewer - they didn’t make you feel comfortable, they were not interesting, they didn’t ask you the right questions about yourself... see what I’m saying...

 

It’s a self fulfilling prophecy, around and around you go... This last date was doomed to fail for many reasons even before you met the woman.

[Londy]

Of course telling dates about my lack of success isn't ideal but I can and have used this as a method of ensuring I get rejected

 

 

A winning strategy for sure. Seriously you wonder why you can't meet anyone?

[mortensorchid]

What an a******* for not even saying thank you for the meal. You should not loose sleep over this by any means, people can and do show their true colors over time but she did immediately. Just put that in your arsenal of lousy encounters and move on.

[elaine567]

@mortensorchid

 

My guess.

He somehow managed to upset her.

If she picked up on the obvious disdain he has for her that he shared here, she probably was in no mood to say Thank You

[ZA Dater]

Preparing for a date is much like preparing for a job interview. You can prepare for a date by knowing yourself and having a plan of how you want to “sell yourself” - a few talking points that you want to share with your date so that she knows a little something about you. You can also be prepared with a few ideas of things you have in common that you may want to discuss during the date, if you know a little something about her.

 

But then, you really do have to wing it on the actual date/job interview because successfully interacting with another person means that you have to adapt to the situation and the respond to the other person.

 

 

Which is what I pretty much do most of the time. The problem is deciding how to sell myself and on what points, its not that easy going back to what I tried in the past and seeing it didn't work so its a case of trying to find something new each time.

 

Mostly I think I am not meeting the right people most of the time, which doesn't really help the interaction. The other problem is I tend to ask myself why I am going on this date.

 

1: Do I go for a second date, irrelevant if I can see before I have met the person I am not going to be interested

2: I am cant seem to be charming enough to do the whole hook up thing and I have a severe lack of confidence at anything remotely resembling affection.

 

C was brilliant because we got along really well, had lots in common but clearly not enough attraction from her side. Its just very tough to get everything aligned, which becomes tiring and demotivating.

 

C is a good example of what I like but is SO hard to find, quiet, smart, beautiful, motivated, very little baggage. That's what I like so when miss two kids and etc. comes along I don't really get that excited. Should I be enthusiastic about what I know I don't like?

 

Should I reconcile that I cant get that? If I should please tell me how?

Edited September 12, 2019 by ZA Dater

[Londy]

Mostly I think I am not meeting the right people most of the time

What you don't seem to be getting is that when you DO meet that one girl you like and want to get to know better, you've gotta get the same response from her- and that's why you need to put your best attributes upfront so she's got something to work with.

 

 

By telling them about your lack of dating experience and failures you won't attract anyone- not the ones you don't care about and not the ones you want.

Edited September 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[NuevoYorko]

I have very much come to terms of the fact most will judge often harshly.

I'm dying over here. You are always beeyotching about how harshly you are judged ... but ... "not nice accent"?? And the thing about the "heavy" conversation after your tomes of complaints about superficial frivolous chats?

 

Also, you often say that women don't like you because you're not experienced, which I know is untrue because women would like an inexperienced guy just fine ... if she actually found him attractive and likable. That's beside the point, though, because it's a big turnoff in itself for you to be putting your dating / girlfriend stats in a profile on Bumble! For crying out loud.

 

OtOh, good for you for going on a date.

 

Please, get some self awareness.

[ZA Dater]

What you don't seem to be getting is that when you DO meet that one girl you like and want to get to know better, you've gotta get the same response from her- and that's why you need to put your best attributes upfront so she's got something to work with.

 

By telling them about your lack of dating experience and failures you won't attract anyone- not the ones you don't care about and not the ones you want.

 

I have probably only met 5 people I who I liked and got along well with. Irrespective which attributes I sell it hardly seems to matter.

 

Seldom do I really find the person that attractive or interesting so does it really matter what I say, not really to be honest, I'll be kind, take an interest in them but I wont try hide the fact I am useless at dating.

 

A case in point, had a great weekend away with the club I administer, everyone else has dates, I had a not single lady friend come along to assist me with the event and she sort of just became the date, nothing romantic will ever happen and I am ok with that, I had someone to chat to, someone to do things with. We went walking, went exploring different shops in this small town, had dinner with the group.

 

Her and I just communicate well, she tell me all about what's going on in her life, her bf, she knows my dating issues and we laugh about them. I get the intellectual attention, I don't need to sell myself, don't need to worry about tailoring each word, working out which piece of body language I need to do. We just talk, the conversation flows.

 

I am happy with this and its something that does make me happy.

Edited September 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[justwhoiam]

For the time being the Eva Green lookalike I went on a date with last time will remain the standard by which dates will be judged, its hard to imagine how I can improve on that.

 

 

Any attempt to look smart and mature at 35 ended with your statement above. You want companionship, bonding etc. but you seem so superficial. And apparently, they're fleeing fast.

 

 

Cultivate your spiritual side.

[elaine567]

Any attempt to look smart and mature at 35 ended with your statement above. You want companionship, bonding etc. but you seem so superficial...

 

Maybe that is what one date meant when she told him he needs to "evolve".

 

the core meaning of evolution is the gradual development of something growing more complex.

[ZA Dater]

Maybe that is what one date meant when she told him he needs to "evolve".

 

I find this point pretty irrelevant to be honest. Women aren't superficial? My experience is they are equally superficial, unless of course as I suspect is being prescribed to me, they just accept whoever will date them irrespective if they find the person attractive.

 

This line of remind me of something which gripes me to this day, I have a friend who went through a phase of "she is great you should date her", said friend was also single at the time but he never wanted to date any of these women, if they were so fantastic why did he try date them?

 

Strangely enough the one who said the above is very attractive to me so no I doubt that's what she meant, actually she told me to go and find "experience" with younger women. Funnily

 

But hey its good enough for some to apparently date people they find attractive but heck if you struggle at dating you might as well just accept whatever because who are you to be picky.

 

In my view dating is almost in its entirety a superficial activity so why not just be like everyone else in this regard. I put up a good picture of me with a great profile, get no matches, I edit a pictures with no profile and I get lots.

 

So while we can all decry the superficial nature of it all, we are all in fact willing participants.

Edited September 16, 2019 by ZA Dater

[Maddie82]

I think for me dating has become an activity where I chase, the best looks I can, the most interesting personality the most interesting jobs, different outlooks on life, different hobbies.

 

Perhaps its always been this which is why I don't really connect because fundamentally I am closed off the idea.

 

For the time being the Eva Green lookalike I went on a date with last time will remain the standard by which dates will be judged, its hard to imagine how I can improve on that.

 

This is incredibly shallow. She had a lucky escape.

[elaine567]

Yes we can all decry the superficiality of OLD, but you are getting dates, sometimes even with women you like "superficially", but none of these women seem to want to go on second dates with you. So it is not your looks.

Yes, you say at times you try deliberately to ruin it with someone you have no interest in, but that sounds a bad and a very negative strategy to me.

I would rather have to turn someone down than have them run for the hills because I was being deliberately contrary...

 

We all know about the trite "study" with fake photos, that every bitter guy wheels out to make a point, but YOU would also be conned with that one, so I am not too sure why it is so bad that some women would also be swayed by a handsome face...

Stop getting entrenched in "nonsense", it does you no favours and destroys your credibility.

 

With these women who agree to go on dates with you, you obviously pass the first superficial hurdle, it is the next hurdles you are really struggling with.

Building connection and encouraging interest.

You need to work on those.

 

The point about "evolving" is about becoming a more well rounded individual, yet you again go on about the superficial and ignore the deeper issues as to why women do not want to hang around with you past the first date.

Being a more well rounded individual means that "building connection" and "maintaining interest" will not be so much of an issue.

[justwhoiam]

I find this point pretty irrelevant to be honest.

That means you can't pick on advice. Evolving will be a slow process for you, if it's ever gonna happen.

 

Women aren't superficial?

It stings, doesn't it? We were talking about you... and you make it about all women. We talk about something specific, you make it general. One word: superficial.

 

they just accept whoever will date them irrespective if they find the person attractive.

That's funny. Some might be flaky, as they will cancel on you 1 hour before the date, but saying that all women will put up with any men available? Come on. How come the Eva Green lookalike is not going out with you anymore? Your theory just crumbled.

 

I have a friend who went through a phase of "she is great you should date her", said friend was also single at the time but he never wanted to date any of these women, if they were so fantastic why did he try date them?

Why didn't he try, is that what you meant? Because we're all different, and what is good for you might not be good for him. Why do some people divorce and then remarry? Because they think it didn't work because of a wrong combination of factors, or that they were with the wrong person.

 

Strangely enough the one who said the above is very attractive to me so no I doubt that's what she meant, actually she told me to go and find "experience" with younger women.

I thought you were talking about a male friend? You said "he". Now you're talking about a "she". I'm not following your line of thought anymore, here.

 

In my view dating is almost in its entirety a superficial activity

I don't think it's the activity, I think it's the people who make it either deep, interesting, exciting, dull, boring, annoying or superficial...

 

I put up a good picture of me with a great profile, get no matches, I edit a pictures with no profile and I get lots.

I guess that has to do with the unknown. The more I know, the more grounds I have to understand if the person is for me or not. If little is said, I have some margin to think there might be something. But that will backfire... if you want to "waste" less time, then you'll make sure you slim down your pool of potential partners with whom a relationship could work. If smoking is a dealbreaker for me and you don't say that in your profile, I'll have no reason to think you do. Maybe I forget to ask... then we meet and I see you smoking: chances are it'll be a fail. You might say it'd be superficial to judge someone on a trivial habit. But the truth is a chain smoker gives me more info about him than just the smoking. Smoking is often an obsessive habit that some can't do without. And it can eat at you aka be very consuming, like if you run out of smoke at 2 am and you feel the need to smoke, you have to go out to buy cigarettes. And it's a personality trait. Not to mention the unhealthy sides to it, that will have an impact both on the inside (lungs, heart...) and on the outside (yellow nails & teeth...) or both (e.g. bad breath). If I'm turned off, I can't go to any next level, to get to know the person better. Edited September 16, 2019 by justwhoiam

[elaine567]

I thought you were talking about a male friend? You said "he". Now you're talking about a "she". I'm not following your line of thought anymore, here.

 

A male friend is the one pointing out women for him to date.

 

A woman he dated told him he needed to "evolve".

[ZA Dater]

With these women who agree to go on dates with you, you obviously pass the first superficial hurdle, it is the next hurdles you are really struggling with.

Building connection and encouraging interest.

You need to work on those.

 

The point about "evolving" is about becoming a more well rounded individual, yet you again go on about the superficial and ignore the deeper issues as to why women do not want to hang around with you past the first date.

Being a more well rounded individual means that "building connection" and "maintaining interest" will not be so much of an issue.

 

Ok lets go through this. I have only got perhaps 5 dates with people I find attractive versus maybe 50 with people I don't so no I wouldn't say my looks are getting me the sort of people I find attractive. On this point it is what it is, I can be toned and whatever, I doesn't make any difference and walking around in vests doesn't interest me either.

 

Its considerably easier to pull dates apart than look at myself, why because I can then just feel sorry for myself and that serves no purpose at all, I don't know what they don't like so it could be anything, Id then sit ad try second guess what it was and again feel sorry for myself. Pointless.

 

Oh well so I am not interesting, honestly that fine and I couldn't care less. The majority of my dates have been with unbelievably dull, unexceptional people so I guess it just evens out really.

 

Women who have looks and no baggage can simply choose whoever they like which I suspect if what C ended up doing really, went on a date with me and had a better looking match the day later and well, sorry for you. Why shouldn't I adopt the same shopping principle?

 

Of course there is nothing wrong with women being swayed by a handsome face but then the same has to be true of men.