Another date to add to the list.

[ZA Dater]

So I had been talking to someone for a while on OLD, for reasons rooted in boredom that anything else. Sure, she is fairly attractive but very different to anyone I had gone out with before so I decided for a last minute dinner date.

 

Yes, I know a dinner date, I shouldn't be doing these but I couldn't come up with anything more creative and got punished for this.

 

Firstly we agreed on a time and I thought I made that pretty clear, she arrived 40 minutes late. Apparently I wasn't clear. Granted she had made an attempt to look good and she did look fairly good.

 

First problem, she doesn't speak very well, there are specific accents in SA which are not nice accents to have and this was one of them. More off putting was her gaze which I found unsettling because it was almost a stare. Part of her outfit could best be described as revealing so between this gave and that I didn't really know where to look.

 

Conversation was ok, she knew all about my dating issues before we met up so that conversation was expanded on in person. I tried to be light and funny but she wanted to go to more complicated topics which I found a bit heavy because unusually she was asking some questions.

 

Something about her made me uneasy, there was a fundamental compatibility issue, she is 25yo. However none of that actually matters because whilst I don't mind paying dinner bills I expect someone to either

 

1: attempt to pay, meaning act as if they are getting their purse out

2: if they don't do that that's cool but at least say THANK YOU for dinner.

 

We took a walk and at no point was a thank you forthcoming, that's enough to make me completely loose interest.

 

So it was a date from which I expect nothing and nothing it certainly delivered.

 

PS: this was a Bumble date.

 

Lessons leant here: no dinner dates, light meet ups if they aren't interested in those then pass. If the compatibility seems wrong then don't bother with a date.

[Cersei]

She sounds really ungrateful. Not even a thank you?

I would have at least paid half.

 

Glad you got out though even if it didn't work out.

[basil67]

ZA you were speaking to her out of boredom. You privately judged her accent, her mannerisms and couldn’t deal with her dress style. Then she asked questions of you (something you always complain about a lack of) but you found it too heavy. And you expected her to thank you for the date?.

 

Thing is, people generally only give a thank you if they enjoyed (or even kind of enjoyed) the evening....and I can’t see how she could have enjoyed the vibe you would have been putting out. You may have expected nothing, but you also delivered nothing in return.

[ZA Dater]

Thing is, people generally only give a thank you if they enjoyed (or even kind of enjoyed) the evening.

 

It couldn't have been so bad if she suggested we go for a walk afterwards. A basic thank you is common manner in my book, whether the experience is good or not.

 

If nothing else this date made me realise how excellent the one before this was.

[PRW]

Lessons leant here: no dinner dates, light meet ups if they aren't interested in those then pass. If the compatibility seems wrong then don't bother with a date.

Lessons learned? Well, you didn't learn what you were supposed to learn.

 

Light meetups lead to the friend zone

 

Dates should have a romantic "frame". Dinner dates do that, light meetups do not.

 

It is the guy's job to pay for the dinner. HE is inviting her out to dinner, it is HIS responsibility. You don't buy someone a gift and then expect them to pay you back for it.

 

You went into it with a negative, judgmental, and entitled attitude. There really wasn't anything this woman could have done different that would have made any difference. I feel sorry for her and the bad experience she probably went home feeling. You are the one that made the date you are the one responsible for the date. You are the one responsible for making it a good and fun time for the woman.

[ZA Dater]

Light meetups lead to the friend zone

 

Dates should have a romantic "frame". Dinner dates do that, light meetups do not.

 

It is the guy's job to pay for the dinner. HE is inviting her out to dinner, it is HIS responsibility. You don't buy someone a gift and then expect them to pay you back for it.

You went into it with a negative, judgmental, and entitled attitude. .

 

Firstly I didn't go into it expecting anything, the judgements I passed were while I sat there and more observations than anything else.

 

I do expect someone with decent manners to say thank you, even if they receive a gift. Its very easy to pass on someone with no manners.

 

As for friend zone, not sure what so bad about that, I have said it before, I'd rather have an exceptional friend than a very average girlfriend.

[Rayce]

Conversation was ok, she knew all about my dating issues before we met up so that conversation was expanded on in person. I tried to be light and funny but she wanted to go to more complicated topics which I found a bit heavy because unusually she was asking some questions.

 

Good job putting yourself out there! Sounds like you did ok considering. I would caution about letting women know about your dating issues before hand. There is no reason to even have such a discussion. Avoid it in the future. Wishing you success next time! peace...

[elaine567]

... I tried to be light and funny but she wanted to go to more complicated topics which I found a bit heavy because unusually she was asking some questions....

What "complicated topics" were you not keen to discuss?

[ZA Dater]

What "complicated topics" were you not keen to discuss?

 

She just wanted to know why I hadn't had a gf. She found it strange, for Bumble I included this piece of information on my profile.

 

It was an interesting conversation but I suspect she found my lack of dating and everything associated with that fairly interesting there was a lot from her of "you know I am quite open minded and it just depends on the person". Her style of dressing could best be described as revealing.

 

All I wanted to do here was just ignore my own basic parameters and go out with someone who I probably normally wouldn't go out with.

[ZA Dater]

I think for me dating has become an activity where I chase, the best looks I can, the most interesting personality the most interesting jobs, different outlooks on life, different hobbies.

 

Perhaps its always been this which is why I don't really connect because fundamentally I am closed off the idea so when I do find someone who ticks those boxes I am actually clueless as to what to do.

 

Look this lady was smart but arguably at 25yo, too young. Her general conversation was also perhaps a bit crass and unladylike.

 

There were lots of silences as I attempted to do what the forum told me to do, i.e. let the person just speak.

 

For the time being the Eva Green lookalike I went on a date with last time will remain the standard by which dates will be judged, its hard to imagine how I can improve on that.

[PRW]

As for friend zone, not sure what so bad about that,

The Internet is saturated with articles and video material clearly explaining what is bad about that.

 

I have said it before, I'd rather have an exceptional friend than a very average girlfriend.

The exceptional friend will never become a GF. So if all you want is friends and nothing else, then you are fine. But if you want a GF then you are doomed to endless failure.

[PRW]

She just wanted to know why I hadn't had a gf. She found it strange, for Bumble I included this piece of information on my profile.

It means she has had a lot of bad dates and is screening you to determine what she should expect from you. That may account for her crass & unladylike approach. She probably judged you based on what was in the profile and also what you said about it when she asked,...came to the conclusion the date wasn't going to go anywhere,...so she "didn't care anymore" and just wanted to get through the date a get home.

 

Now if you said you haven't dated much of had a GF because you have been in the Military for the last 6 years then that would be a completely different thing,...chicks dig those guys.

 

Take that stuff out of your Bumble profile.

[SumGuy]

...

Firstly we agreed on a time and I thought I made that pretty clear, she arrived 40 minutes late. Apparently I wasn't clear. Granted she had made an attempt to look good and she did look fairly good.

Is arriving on time a thing in South Africa? I know it varies across cultures.

 

First problem, she doesn't speak very well, there are specific accents in SA which are not nice accents to have and this was one of them.

Sounds fairly judgmental, and snobbish as she didn't have the "right accent." Do people still think this way in South Africa after all the country has been through?

 

 

.. Part of her outfit could best be described as revealing so between this gave and that I didn't really know where to look.

Part but not all? So she got ready and dressed a little sexy for you? This is a negative?

 

Conversation was ok, she knew all about my dating issues before we met up so that conversation was expanded on in person. I tried to be light and funny but she wanted to go to more complicated topics which I found a bit heavy because unusually she was asking some questions.

Here is where I have to stop. Seen threads where you lament small talk/light talk as uninteresting and boring and meaningless. You then go on a date and get what you wanted, more complicated topics. She didn't do it exactly the way you wanted so it was "too much" for you.

[ChatroomHero]

For the time being the Eva Green lookalike I went on a date with last time will remain the standard by which dates will be judged, its hard to imagine how I can improve on that.

 

 

Yeah, Eva Green does it for me too, so I get it. lol

I think the one thing I see in your threads stopping you, is yourself. YOU are hung up on 'why' you haven't dated long term or had a long-term relationship. Most women are going to ask "what's the longest you've dated someone?" and some will be put off by no experience, some will not care too much, some will judge and some won't.

 

 

From your posts I get the feeling you are waiting for that question and if it comes up, you automatically assume you are going to be ruled out and every women is only seeking a man with a past of long term relationships. I am going off of other threads you have, but I feel strongly that you "next" yourself when the subject comes up or the question is asked. It may be a red flag for women at times, but women will run through red flags blindfolded if they like everything else.

 

 

If the question comes up you can say you don't talk about past relationships for 5 dates, or you can be a little flip in the initial stages and say, "About an hour longer than it should have lasted"...I have had a few long term relationships, but when I am asked why I am not married, why I am not seeing anyone and all of that, frankly I tell them because I am picky, smart and not prone to mistakes. When 1/2 of your friends are divorced, all of your friends have been through a disastrous relationship at some point, frankly to me it is more respectable to hold out for someone that fits, rather than be awful situations one to the next, because you are afraid to be alone. It's making good decisions versus making bad decisions.

 

 

From that standpoint I think you need to get over your own red flag in your own head that no woman will want you without "experience". Start there. I mean you have posted plenty of dates on here so you do have experience. This last date sounds like it was fine but you just weren't a fit. I will say maybe give this girl another chance because you would be surprised how different she may seem, how you may suddenly find her "it", whatever. If your main disappointment was how she stared, was intense and didn't thank you, etc...remember, she may have put on a good front but have been nervous as hell. She may be totally shy and trying to come out of her shell. She may hate and fear dating more than you. She may have anxiety, maybe she wanted to thank you but clammed up.

 

 

If the date was at least enjoyable, ask her out again. I can't tell you how many women I have hung out with or went on a date with and felt very little if anything for until I got to know them a bit better.

[Calmandfocused]

ZA dater, I’ve read a lot of your dating threads with intrigue.

 

Please don’t take offence by what I’m about to say, it’s meant with nothing but good intention:

 

Are you by any chance on the autistic spectrum? I might be way off the mark but is has crossed my mind a few times.

 

Perfectionist ideals are quite common with ASD which is one of the reasons why I’m asking the question. In which case continuous exposure to dating situations is a good idea.

 

But either way if you don’t budge on your parameters, finding a suitable partner will be difficult.

[ZA Dater]

Yeah, Eva Green does it for me too, so I get it. lol

I think the one thing I see in your threads stopping you, is yourself. YOU are hung up on 'why' you haven't dated long term or had a long-term relationship. Most women are going to ask "what's the longest you've dated someone?" and some will be put off by no experience, some will not care too much, some will judge and some won't.

 

frankly to me it is more respectable to hold out for someone that fits, rather than be awful situations one to the next, because you are afraid to be alone. It's making good decisions versus making bad decisions.

 

If the date was at least enjoyable, ask her out again. I can't tell you how many women I have hung out with or went on a date with and felt very little if anything for until I got to know them a bit better.

 

I have very much come to terms of the fact most will judge often harshly. How much that bothers me depends on the day to be honest. They all seem to care to lesser or greater degrees, it seems to depend on how much leeway I get because my inexperience is very obvious to almost all because at some point they comment on it.

 

Not interested in this girl at all. Not even slightly, there is a lack of wow for me and I got the sense in 2 hours I pretty much knew everything I wanted to know about her. Thank you is a very basic concept and I cant say I have ever met anyone who struggles with the concept.

 

I agree with you hold out for someone who fits but how long do I hold out for? I have met some great fits but it never actually works, perhaps in 20 years there have been three people I thought were decent and compatible but those dates never went anywhere.

 

Either I take dating seriously and worry about it or I simply just go on pointless dates like this one to delude myself I am actually finding some success because the ladies I really want are incredibly hard to find and impossible to get when I do actually find them. I'd give anything for another chance with the one but that wont happen because she is gorgeous, smart, motivated and has endless choice, all of which is better than me.

[Londy]

Yes, I know a dinner date, I shouldn't be doing these but I couldn't come up with anything more creative and got punished for this.

 

Nobody should do a dinner date on a first meetup, most of the time it doesn't work out for a multitude of reasons and it's a waste of time and money.

 

she knew all about my dating issues before we met

 

Totally lame. No reason to reveal all your dating failures and never having a girlfriend. That puts you in the weirdo zone before things even have a chance to get started. Might as well pull out a gun and shoot yourself in the foot. No difference.

 

Light meetups lead to the friend zone

 

Dates should have a romantic "frame". Dinner dates do that, light meetups do not.

 

No... WAY.

 

That's ridiculous. First meetup absolutely should be light- meet at a diner, or a bar, or a coffee shop and have casual convo. If there's good reason to take things to a more formal arrangement, both parties will know.

 

Doing dinner dates on the first meetup, is for the most part a complete and utter waste of time and money. I am convinced there's a large pool of women on dating sites who will go out with a naive guy simply for the free meal, and this date sounds exactly like one of them.

[elaine567]

^^^^ agreed.

Even the most sociable will find it hard to keep a one on one conversation with a complete stranger going for 2 hours over a dinner table.

 

Women can be very sympathetic to hard luck stories and tales of tragedy, but being unable to get a date does not engender much sympathetic emotion at all.

It is a pity party and that is not seen as a good thing in a date...

To then advertise it, IS just weird.

Who wants to date a guy apparently no-one else wants?

She came I guess to satisfy her curiosity and get a free meal...

 

ZA

Self sabotage is a real thing.

Edited September 10, 2019 by elaine567

[Londy]

ZA

Self sabotage is a real thing.

 

 

It's been suggested over and over again that he not disclose his dating history (or lack thereof) for all of these good and (obvious) reasons (that any reasonably intelligent person should understand) and his response is always "I am a nice guy and I am honest and won't pretend to be something I am not. If they don't like who I am then SO BE IT!".

[chillii]

Yeah , very weird , like l always say most of the guys with troubles seem to love shooting themselves in the foot.

Anyway , it's a pity l think she was willing to give you a chance saying she was still very open , that's a real nice quality in a woman.

And she showed interest in you too , nother pity, she was trying, just what you've wanted but apparently wrong package.

lt might not have been ungrateful , it might've just slipped her mind as she left or you might've managed to turn her right off with your judgement- which shows in a person too l might add to btw, couldn't wait to leave and thought eff him.

 

What l'd really give 10 bucks to know is, what was she gazing at , why ? Anything strange about your face , l mean there's gazes and stares and then there's gazes and stares .

l mean you sound like a strange guy but there's good strange too , not what l'm sayin but wondering if you get that look often, like she did, add it to you other dates often go quiet when they meet you, or are you unsual looking ?

Or often too a persons personality is in their face even if you don't know someone and you at least sound very stern closed tight which usually shows in a person before they even speak.

Dunno , but there's something in your look but eh, again she was open , shame.

Edited September 11, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

You put your lack of dating out there on Bumble. This makes it fair game as a conversation topic.

 

I don't know who told you just to let the woman talk, but this is about the worst advice ever. I had someone (a boss) do it to me once (when I was resigning) and it was the most excruciatingly awkward conversation. If someone did it to me again, I think I'd have to ask them "do you have nothing to say?"

[basil67]

Are you by any chance on the autistic spectrum? I might be way off the mark but is has crossed my mind a few times.

 

Calm, you're one of many (myself included) who have suggested it over the years. It's apparently not something ZA wishes to explore.

[ZA Dater]

^^^^ agreed.

Even the most sociable will find it hard to keep a one on one conversation with a complete stranger going for 2 hours over a dinner table.

 

Women can be very sympathetic to hard luck stories and tales of tragedy, but being unable to get a date does not engender much sympathetic emotion at all.

It is a pity party and that is not seen as a good thing in a date...

To then advertise it, IS just weird.

Who wants to date a guy apparently no-one else wants?

She came I guess to satisfy her curiosity and get a free meal...

 

ZA

Self sabotage is a real thing.

 

I don't consider disclosure to be sabotage. They pretty much figure it out anyway so it makes no difference to the ultimate outcome. Fact is nobody does want me, I cant just pretend that isn't the case.

 

The way I see it I might as simply be who I want to be on dates, the outcome will always be the same so I might as well go and dare I say it just have 'fun" without bothering to put too much effort into the actual outcome.

 

There was no common ground here at all, vast cultural differences which could not be overcome and honestly, there was nothing about her which suggested I'd want to see her again.

 

Even if I did, a lack of manners would have been enough reason not to see her again.

 

Ultimately she wasn't what I want and compared poorly to other dates I have had this year, I do have a ranking system in place so I can try and make sure I am trying to better each date.

[ZA Dater]

Calm, you're one of many (myself included) who have suggested it over the years. It's apparently not something ZA wishes to explore.

 

 

 

The answer is I am not.

 

 

I just meet very few people who interest me and hold my interest. I'd love to have been one of those super popular guys who can get ladies I want but everything with dating is a struggle.

 

 

Reality is there is a big gulf between what I like and what likes me so there is never likely to be enough compromise for me to accept someone who doesn't wow me. The same is true of everything I do, it has to wow me to some degree.

[PRW]

That's ridiculous. First meetup absolutely should be light- meet at a diner, or a bar, or a coffee shop and have casual convo.

 

Doing dinner dates on the first meetup, is for the most part a complete and utter waste of time and money.

 

You're going to spend the rest of your life in the friend zone (but you're probably one of those that thinks that's ok). Not preferring a "dinner date" as a first date is one thing,...calling it ridiculous and an "utter waste of money" means you don't have a clue.

 

I am convinced there's a large pool of women on dating sites who will go out with a naive guy simply for the free meal, and this date sounds exactly like one of them.

1. Don't be a naive guy.
   
2. Don't offer dates to women you are not willing to pay for if you never see them again.
   
3. Stay the hell off dating sites, Online Dating is just a cancer on the dating world.