zuir1 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Me and my gf have been going out for 3 years now. Lately she has been under alot of stess! ALOT! Most of it comes from her family because they hate me, y the hate me is not important its just theres no way for them not to, anyway that stresses her, school, and us barely able to see eachother or talk. She calls me crying sometimes saying how stressed she is. But lately she has been acting differ around me, she barely kisses me or seems like she wants to be with me. When i ask her if she still wants to be with me she gets mad and starts crying yelling at me that if she didnt she wouldnt be going through everything and that i mean the world to her. But shes a senior and im already graduated, on jan 24 i leave to the airforce, and our plan is around aug when i get back is to live together on base and have a future together. But she thinks I might cheat on her when im gone and still shes just weird around me now. I cant talk to her cause she tells me that were arguing, I know were not but shes so stressed everything i tell her she takes the wrong way, i have tried a million things to the family, to straight talking to her. I asked her today if she wants space and she says that would be good. But we barely talk or see eachother as it is....another thing that stresses her is my insecurity, she always around guys that like her and try things, and the problem with that is she cant tell anyone that were together cause her parents would find out, so no one knows about us until she graduates in may. So she wants space but I dont know how to go about it..and i feel that she'll change during this time of "space" My question is how exactly do i go about giving her "space"? and is there any ideas i should do? and I really dont think she has realized that im leaving for like 6 months, i dont think its sunk in her head yet...what should i do about all of these things? Oh and were not broken up, were not even close to breaking up, just to let everyone know
Jayhawks Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 When a women wants space the relationship is over. You can't work on improving it when the parties are not together. It sounds like you both have major trust issues so if a counselor is not in the cards for your relationship I would get used to being without her.
Author zuir1 Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 When i say space i meant she is happy to be around me and wants to be with me its just by me always asking, whos that guy, whos this, where r u going, blah blah blah then she gets stressed from me 2. she just wants me to stop
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 When someone asks for 'space', you have only one option if you want to preserve any chance at all at staying together: give them their space. 'Space' means that she needs to be away from you to re-evaluate the relationship and decide whether or not she wants to continue it with you. "Space" means just that. Any and all contact and times for seeing each other should be left entirely up to her, while you stay in the background available for when/if she wants to contact you. If she does all the contacting, then she will be working at a pace that is most comfortable for her. If you do anything to see her or contact her, or push the 'space' issue she will see this as a threat to her 'space', and the 'needing space' will turn into a full out 'break'. You'll need to understand that nine times out of ten - 'space' and 'break' are just rest stops on your way to the breakup, and given what you have posted I see little or no reason to see her 'space' as nothing more than a soft breakup. It might be easier to let her know you have changed your mind about that 'space' and that you think it would be best if you broke up instead. If there is a future for you two, you won't find it by trying to keep this relationship limping along. Best to make a break, put this relationship behind you and start over completely new again some time in the future if it is meant to be.
Author zuir1 Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 When I talked to her yesterday she started to cry alot cause she thought i was gonna break up with her, then she felt better knowing that i wasnt. and it was my idea today that we take a break not hers, i just want her to go back how she use to be when everything was ok, cause wen the parents use to like me and ppl knew we were together we didnt have 1 problem, now no one can know and its one big secret.
slubberdegullion Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Perhaps there should be a dictionary that interprets womanese to plain English. "Give me my space" = "This is over, but I don't want to hurt your feelings so I'll just string you along until you get the message."
Jayhawks Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Do you actually think that giving her space or a break is going to get things back to the way they were? If you can't work it out together then maybe it is best to break up. You have jealousy issues to work out and she can't handle your controlling ways. Do you think you can change? Do you want to put in the time to make your relationship work? It will take work, not hoping things will improve with a break.
SuperMonk Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 The relationship is over, it's time to look for other females to ravish.
housebaby Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 The way it sounds to me, is that she is losing the intensity of her feelings for you - but isn't ready to accept that it's over (to herself, and especially to you). It sounds very confusing and conflicted - she probably doesn't know how to deal with it (especially if this is her first real relationship) It's really hard to maintain a relationship when your family or friends disapprove, and it doesn't get better after "grad". A person's family is (usually) the most important relationship in their life...and if you are causing a wedge, it makes it hard to be involved. See, usually a family will see the things that the people involved in the relationship don't/won't. I think "LucreziaBorgia" is right. It's a soft breakup. She needs the "space" to see if she's emotionally strong enough to break it off. She probably knows that she has to do it, but isn't in the acceptance phase yet....maybe moving to a military base isn't exactly the fairy tale ending she wants (ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT YOUR HAPPY ENDING???). She probably wants to experience freedom before being on lock-down with a man who she may lose in battle...it's not really an easy life. Maybe you should just let it be, and accept that it's over.
Mary3 Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Space means : its over. I would not look at it as a * break * and waste time waiting for that person to come back around....because she is already gone...
GuySimple Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Space…Space refers to the blank line in your little black book where her name use to be.
Cecelius Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 and her emotional responses about her fear of you breaking up with her are just that -- it is not that she necessarily wants a relationship for all time, she just doesn't want to lose her security blanket NOW. Lastly, chances are that one of the other dudes has been getting some shellacking lately from her. Good girls that you want to be in a relationship do not hang around with dudes, especially not when she knows they want or would want something from her.
housebaby Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Good girls that you want to be in a relationship do not hang around with dudes, especially not when she knows they want or would want something from her. Not true. That is totally relative to the situation. My very closest and best friends are "dudes" and if the person I am with is insecure about that, then it isn't going to last very long...although, if I am out flirting with guys that I just met .. then I'm not seriously into my relationship...and it's pretty much over if I am seeking sexual attention from strangers.
Cecelius Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Not true. That is totally relative to the situation. My very closest and best friends are "dudes" and if the person I am with is insecure about that, then it isn't going to last very long...although, if I am out flirting with guys that I just met .. then I'm not seriously into my relationship...and it's pretty much over if I am seeking sexual attention from strangers. I will say again what I said before: good girls will not hang with guys who want something from them [other than friendship], especially when the girl knows it.
housebaby Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 True. But if a girl/guy isn't getting the attention they want from their significan other - they are bound to seek it out elsewhere. I don't think it's an implication of weather they are "good" or not, but it certainly signals that they are no longer feeling the attatchment to their lover. Basically, when it's over its over.
Cecelius Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I understand -- It is okay to cheat (or if it is inevitible) if you don't feel "connected" anymore
housebaby Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I don't think it's ok to cheat - that's a personal decision. Usually, if I am unsatisfied .. I just end it all togather. If this girl is afraid to end it, but still wants to feel attractive and wanted, I can empethize with her...but if it were me feeling the "disconnection" I would say good-bye and walk away with a clear conscience. This doesn't mean she's cheating - but she is lacking something and if things don't change she may very well just cheat...or end it. Either way it doesn't sound good.
Mary3 Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 Housebaby : with that additude you wont have a boyfriend who will tolerate you hanging out with guy friends and putting them before your relationship. I'm not saying its wrong to have guy friends but if I get involved in a serious relationship and my bf is bothered by it then you can bet I will decide if he is more important than they are... I was once in this situation and he put his ex first and voila ! breakup.... Right now I have a few guy friends but a special person could come and of course I cant continue to see them and him. Unless they understood he is more important and he has to come first. Its your Priorities that count...
housebaby Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 If I am with a guy - he will either understand or not...and I could care less if I lose him over this (it's only happened ONCE). That says they are insecure to me - and I just won't deal. This is one of the very first things I will tell a guy I am getting serious with - because if he has a problem, it's pointless. These friends of mine aren't just your "guys I know"...they are long-time very close friends who have been there for me (good and bad). They have been there to support me in the worst times, and shared with me the best. I'm not just going to throw away very meaningful deep friendships over some guy who can't accept that. I never said I would put them BEFORE my relationship, but they will definitely be a HUGE part of it. I would rather the guy blend well with my friends and become part of the group (which a few have). My friends know me very well - and have always made my boyfriends feel welcome and comfortable around them...and unless someone is very insecure, they will see that these are meaningful to me/them and that they will always be a part of my life. Lastly, if you knew the history...you would understand why I want my friends part of my life more than some guy who is too jealous to see what a good thing they are for my life.
Cecelius Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Having male friends is one thing, but it is not in my picture for a g/f to be hanging out with dudes who have banged her or are hanging around waiting to. every girl I've ever dated who had a large male constituency -- there was always at least one of those "friends" who got pissed and jealous that she now had a b/f. That kind of drama I can live without. If that's not your situation, then more power to you.
Mary3 Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I can understand how you think you are absolutely right and any man that comes into your life needs to accept your male friends or pi** off...well okay, thats great and hope all works for you. I wonder what percentage of men would be okay with that. ,.....?
housebaby Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I can understand how you think you are absolutely right and any man that comes into your life needs to accept your male friends or pi** off...well okay, thats great and hope all works for you. I wonder what percentage of men would be okay with that. ,.....? What's right for me is not what's right for everyone. I'm not saying that everyone should be like this - but I am saying that I am like this. Maybe I wish everyone was like this...that's all. Actually - for me - there was only 1 out of 8 boyfriends who couldn't accept this...and he was ditched so fast I hardly saw him fly by. Having male friends is one thing, but it is not in my picture for a g/f to be hanging out with dudes who have banged her or are hanging around waiting to. every girl I've ever dated who had a large male constituency -- there was always at least one of those "friends" who got pissed and jealous that she now had a b/f. That kind of drama I can live without. I don't hang out with any exes (or even really talk to them). None of my friends have/want to "bang" me, or even think of me in that way - that's a common ignorance among people (guys who are a friend to a girl just want to get in thier pants/date them). To each his own, and my situation may be rare...but it's reality for me. I would definitly choose my friends over a guy who can't accept my lifestyle 'as is'. Most of the guys I've dated have been able to hang out with us AS A GROUP and were fine with me doing things with my friends BY MYSELF. They knew that there was nothing sexual/beyond friendship with them..and that I was all about my man (at the time). If not - good bye charlie!
LonelyKay Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 Sorry to say, but she probably isn't thinking of this as a relationship anymore. I told my ex (we were together for 6 years) that I needed space and I moved out. I kept asking him if he still loved me and if we were still dating, etc. Because, basically, I didn't want to feel all alone. My space = break up. Maybe your case is different, but probably not. I loved my ex with all my heart, and it was hard on me to ask for space, but I just didn't feel like I was in love with him anymore. I also was acting different when I was around him, stressing out, crying, not wanting him to kiss me, etc...so the signs are all there. Sorry:( It sucks.
mixwell Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 Yeah space means its over.. she is just crying and acting like she still wants you because she doesn't want to be alone but doesn't want you.. As soon as another guy shows interest in her watch how fast she will stop crying and giving a crap about you.. Trust me it happened with my ex g/f that I was with for 7 years !! Its like you don't even know the person.. ANyways stop wasting your time.. She wants space so just initiate no contact and start looking for other girls.. Don't let her tell you that she still wants to be together and this and that because she is just keeping you there as a security blanket until she finds a man for herself. !! Seriously listen to us and don't be an idiot and try to hold on to this !! If I would have listened to this advice when I was going through my ordeal with my ex I would have been better off a lot sooner !! Peace
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