Crashed and burned with a woman I liked a lot recently and don't know what to make of

[ccas93]

Crashed and burned recently with a girl that I was with for a few months. We are both 26. we hit it off instantly, she started making moves quickly on me on the first date. The first month she's saying all this lovey-dovey stuff to me, messaging me the whole time she was on a week's vacation and talking about plans should do together months in advance. Seemed like she wants a relationship. Then she starts a new job but we start sleeping together 5 nights a week (mostly her inviting me over). But, she got distant with me eventually she broke up with me in person recently (lots of crying). Here were her reasons:

 

1. -I have feelings for you and we are growing attached

2. -not ready for a serious relationship due to her new job, her fiancee dumping her back in March, the death of her beloved aunt

3. Exhausted for work after long sex sessions SHE wanted - I was ok with going to bed

4. "I can't give you want you want" - (I didn't want much more than what we had, other than commitment)

5. she thinks I have serious feelings for her since apparently I look at her like I love her, tell her she's beautiful and doesn't need make up, and that I'm lucky when I kiss her

6. kept telling me when she sees me in person she doesn't want to leave me and she couldn't look at my face when telling me this stuff

7. kept telling me I have so much going for me and to look for "what I want" in other girls

8. She also kept saying stuff like "I want to be part of your life still" and "I'm not going anywhere" but I told her I wasn't down to be just friends since we couldn't keep our hands off each other... even when we were breaking up we still held each other and made out at one point

 

I just don't understand why someone would dive headfirst into something with me and then back out and give me all these reasons. I feel like I should have been told a lot of this on the first or second date. It's been almost four weeks now and we haven't spoken once. Not even a social media like. I think the No Contact is good but I still feel hurt and confused.

[oldtruck]

She met someone at or through her new job that she likes better.

[ccas93]

I wish I could say she met someone else at her job so I know what the hell happened. But I know she didn't.

Edited September 9, 2019 by ccas93

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

Sounds like a lot of the excuses my recent ex laid on me. Now, there was a bit of an age gap between us and she was younger than your GF. But it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and that she needs to work on herself a lot. Does she have a solid history of dating? What was her emotional upbringing like? Does she know what she wants out of life? When did you start dating and how long was she with her ex fiancee like. They say rule of thumb is 1 month for every year a person was in a relationship for them to mourn and move on. I say you have to factor in more if there was a lot more involved - living together (in reality or practically), engagement, etc. If she was with him for let's say 3 years and they were engaged, she would probably need 4-6 months to be back in a healthy spot. I wouldn't invest more time or energy till she's more coherent and such.

 

Responses to her reasons:

1. She's either afraid of getting hurt again or she doesn't like feeling tied down (at least at this stage in life) with people expecting anything from her.

2. People can make time for a relationship if they want it. Please see my comments above about the impact of her last relationship

3. Sounds like she's all over the place. Never let anyone blame you for something they did (especially what they initiate)

4. Have you even told her what you want?

5. Sounds like she's not used to a healthy, mature relationship. A lot of younger women think hearing these things for the first time is a sign you're a putz or easy pickins or just too sweet for them if they didn't grow up in a house full of love and support and/or their relationships have all be unhealthy

6. That's just weird. It sounds like she's trying to get you to do the breaking up and/or walking away because she doesn't have the stomach for it

7. She's afraid of being the one to dump you.

8. Toxic

 

Dude - sounds like you need to let this one drop. If you feel, and you have the right to feel it - like you can't be friends - then just let her go. It sounds like you were a rebound and she doesn't have the courage to be the one to drop it. You may end up the villain in her story - but better be that then to continue to invest only to get hurt more in the end when she decides to truly leave/check out.

[schlumpy]

I understand why you want to know.

 

Start with her friends and find out who her EX-fiancée was. Ask him why he dumped her. Your answer to her behavior may be right there.

 

Consider that people who are quickly into relationships can also just as quickly drop out of them. So this could also be an issue with her personality or mental makeup. No curing that.

 

You might be better off just leaving it as a mystery. I'm not sure there are any satisfactory answers to discovered

.

Edited September 9, 2019 by schlumpy

[Watercolors]

 

I just don't understand why someone would dive headfirst into something with me and then back out and give me all these reasons.

 

I feel like I should have been told a lot of this on the first or second date. It's been almost four weeks now and we haven't spoken once.

 

Not even a social media like. I think the No Contact is good but I still feel hurt and confused.

 

I'll tell you why this happened to you. Because you were always just an "option" to her. Never a priority. People who make excuses like she did, do it when they are bored and want to leave the relationship behind. All her crying dramatics were to distract you from her very emotionally cold agenda. You were duped by her from the start.

 

She "love bombed" you the first month because she has very narcissistic qualities. She craved attention and you were an available source for her. So, she tapped your emotional stores by "love bombing" you constantly. Happens to the best of us, especially those of us who are empathic, kind people. We're like walking targets for emotional vampires. She definitely fits that label.

 

Also, she future talked you. A huge red flag. You two BARELY know each other long (doesn't matter that you started sleeping together that soon) and she's talking about a future with you to emotionally hook you so that she can manipulate you later in the relationship.

 

All her crying hysterics were a facade -- to distract you from holding her accountable for her sudden behavioral changes and excuses. Instead of being honest with you -- that she wanted out b/c she's no longer interested in being with you -- she put on a big show of emotion to simply distract you from having an adult conversation with her.

 

Never ever rush into anything that quickly or fall for all of that love-bombing tactics again. Huge red flag if the next gal you date does the same thing.

 

Do not be friends with her. She just wants to keep you on the back burner as her "back up." You deserve better. She has issues, that's clear. Don't take them on as yours to solve. Just walk away from this and chalk it up to a learning experience that you don't want to repeat.

[ccas93]

Wow. Thanks so much for the insightful responses.

 

Watercolors - I agree that I was just an option. I think she thought I was a player and she would just be an option for me too. I told her I felt duped and that the relationship felt like fool's gold during the break up. I think you totally are right about some stuff about love bombing and feeding her narcissistic side. I was OK with her love bombing me during month 1 because I wasn't taking her seriously at first. I teased her lot and didn't care if she was talking to anyone else (in the sense that the thought of that didn't make me at all jealous). But then feelings happened :/ It was definitely a learning experience!

 

Scooby - she's done a lot of dating but has a very "girl like" attitude about her. She was with her fiancee for two years and apparently he was cold and unavailable toward her a lot, but also said stuff occasionally like "you're the future mother of my children" But, I guess he just walked away from her one day with out saying much at all. I'm definitely not the villain in her story - it was obvious she was the one who felt like the bad guy.

 

I'm also physically 100% her "type"

Edited September 9, 2019 by ccas93

[crispytoast]

I'd agree with Watercolors here.

 

Also I've had female friends tell me that it is kind of a turn off if the guy is saying how he's "lucky to have her". Like from our end it may sound like a complement but it's basically devaluing yourself and saying that you aren't worthy of her. Either you're both lucky to have each other or better yet you are both awesome people and deserve each other.

[ccas93]

crispytoast - I agree, I felt like a chump when I said the "I'm lucky" stuff but when I would look at that face, 100% I felt lucky to be kissing her :/ it would just slip out

[snowboy91]

I'm going to give her a lot of benefit of the doubt here. At the very beginning when you hit it off, she was certainly very attracted to you. She then realised that she wasn't emotionally ready for another relationship so quickly, but things with you were already moving really fast. So she's trying her best to break up with you while trying not to hurt you too much.

 

As for what to make of it? You don't want to be with someone who isn't ready emotionally to be with you. I'd let this one go but don't take it personally - you did everything you could.

[ccas93]

Snowboy - I appreciate that side of looking at things too. I liked her a lot so it's nice to hear something that isn't vilifying her as well.

[crispytoast]

Hey it happens friend. Something to keep in mind in the future though. In the meantime, get some adrenaline going, refresh those endorphins and keep on keeping on.

[Lotsgoingon]

I just don't understand why someone would dive headfirst into something with me and then back out and give me all these reasons. I feel like I should have been told a lot of this on the first or second date. It's been almost four weeks now and we haven't spoken once. Not even a social media like. I think the No Contact is good but I still feel hurt and confused.

 

Are you serious? You can't understand why she would dive first into something with you ... and then back out?

 

Well here we go: her lack of balance, clear instability (I don't mean clinically) was evident in the fact that she dived so deeply in with you so quickly in the first place. You might be a "rebound" relationship ... she just used some time with you to ease the pain of her breakup in March.

 

She just rode a temporary high or hormones ... and sometimes people do this ... to see if throwing themselves into a relationship will help them get past the pain. They don't necessarily know this consciously, but that's what's going on.

 

By the way, all of her reasons ... are fake reasons ... Anytime you tell someone "you're a great person" ... that means you have no interest in being with them anymore.

 

The "I want to be part of your life" ... is just another way of her foolishly attempting to let you down easy ... when there is no way in fact to let someone down easy.

 

Her words are the equivalent of the now discredited "it's not you, it's me."

 

Don't take her words seriously. Just keep your distance and keep moving.

 

I'll share an observation ... The way you describe your time with this woman, it's all her initiative ... from the first date and the fast touching ... to her inviting you over 5 nights away ... The way you write this story, you're just going along for the ride. And if you dig into your heart ... you will probably see that indeed you weren't so sure about this woman, but since she seemed to be going wild for you ... then you said, "what the heck! I'll go along with this ride."

 

Your disappointment is a chance for you to reset and understand that any time you date anyone ... YOU want to shape the speed, the space, the touching all of that. And you want to be sure that YOU are into this person. It's a odd lesson: dating someone because they are interested in you almost never works out--unless you are interested in them beyond their interest in you. And look, confident people don't need to lovebomb.

 

New job and an aunt's death ... omg dude. Those are the equivalent of the elementary school kid who gets up rubbing his eyes and says, "Ma, my stomach hurts. I want to stay home from school." Think dude: would you lose interest in someone because of a new (possibly better) job? And if you're really feeling good with someone, you so want them to be around as you're grieving over a family member's death.

 

A lesson. You went along passively for the ride. You let her control things and set the pace ... you took way too seriously all her b.s. You never owned your part in this relationship ...

[scooby-philly]

Wow. Thanks so much for the insightful responses.

 

Watercolors - I agree that I was just an option. I think she thought I was a player and she would just be an option for me too. I told her I felt duped and that the relationship felt like fool's gold during the break up. I think you totally are right about some stuff about love bombing and feeding her narcissistic side. I was OK with her love bombing me during month 1 because I wasn't taking her seriously at first. I teased her lot and didn't care if she was talking to anyone else (in the sense that the thought of that didn't make me at all jealous). But then feelings happened :/ It was definitely a learning experience!

 

Scooby - she's done a lot of dating but has a very "girl like" attitude about her. She was with her fiancee for two years and apparently he was cold and unavailable toward her a lot, but also said stuff occasionally like "you're the future mother of my children" But, I guess he just walked away from her one day with out saying much at all. I'm definitely not the villain in her story - it was obvious she was the one who felt like the bad guy.

 

I'm also physically 100% her "type"

 

I didn't mean villain in that way but others said it better...shes in over her head and farther than she can tolerate at this point and isn't able..for whatever reason...to be calm and direct about it so shes unlove bombing you to quote watercolors here

[ccas93]

lotsgoingon - very good response too - def can't say I disagree with you! You accurately described my part in this relationship. I was very passive and uncertain about her at first, and yes, then was like "what the heck" LOL you pretty much hit the nail on the head. That said, I DID find her extremely attractive and end up legitimately liking her.. it just took a little bit.

 

scooby - I understand what you're saying and appreciate all the perspectives I'm getting. I've posted about this on two other sites and this has been by far the best responses I've gotten

Edited September 9, 2019 by ccas93

[Lotsgoingon]

lotsgoingon - very good response too - def can't say I disagree with you! You accurately described my part in this relationship. I was very passive and uncertain about her at first, and yes, then was like "what the heck" LOL you pretty much hit the nail on the head. That said, I DID find her extremely attractive and end up legitimately liking her.. it just took a little bit.

 

scooby - I understand what you're saying and appreciate all the perspectives I'm getting. I've posted about this on two other sites and this has been by far the best responses I've gotten

 

Lots of us get on roller coasters like this ... well because of an invitation and free tickets and yes, the ride is great while it lasts ... But then we end up thrown into dirt onto your behinds. I certainly met people like this one ... sometimes I was smart. Sometimes not.

 

It's seductive and tempting to go along with people just became THEY seem so confident and clear ... and seem like they know what they're doing and indeed for a while it's fun ... But seriously, don't dare be hard on yourself. This woman seems harmless ... there are really troubled,, dangerous people who act like she acted. So you got involved with a safe person, as far as that goes.

 

Great lesson for you ... in trusting your own feelings ... Someone right for you ... will go at a pace that feels comfortable to you ... and you'll feel comfortable speaking up. She won't need to love bomb you and yet she'll make her interest quite clear ... and you will great about this person, not just about the fun, but the person as well.

 

You now officially have a great dating story that you will one day be able to share and compassionately laugh at yourself (and at her and her pace) with friends. You should write down all her lines ... and one day you'll be able to crack up and crack others up sharing those lines as part of your story with friends.

[ccas93]

So true. Great way to look at it and learn from it. As for laughing at her and myself, I actually was laughing at her pace for the first 4 dates. I thought she was a little over the top and ridiculous and sometimes would poke fun at her... but it was a lot of fun and she grew on me, SMH. Hopefully, once the thought of her having sex with someone else stops bothering me, I'll be laughing about it all soon.