elastica Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 OK I do realize this might seem like a ridiculous question... but here it goes. I briefly dated a guy about three months ago. It fizzled out. I thought we both liked each other a lot but he was "too busy" to see me at one point, I backed off and lost interest by the time he came back around. We kept messaging less and less, and eventually stopped communicating. We ran into each other recently and long story short, went for a coffee and a week later to see a show. The connection is great, I find him very smart and attractive. I have never been in a situation like this, dating someone I previously dated. Here is what bothers me. Throughout the last two dates, in his communication, he pretends that our previous dates never happened. I know this sounds like a minor thing, but it actually bothers me more than I`d like it to. He acts as if it had been erased from his memory. He tells me the exact same stories in the exact same way, like he did before, while I am just sitting there smiling, thinking "I already know that!" On our last date I wanted to tell him that he told me these stories already but luckily, I had enough self-control to keep my mouth shut. I keep thinking what is the matter with him, does he have such a bad memory? Or is it nervousness? Defence mechanism? He is in his early thirties. He is a very sweet guy and I like him a lot. I am afraid, if I ask him why does he keep repeating himself, he might feel very uncomfortable. He does seem a bit nervous sometimes, blushes a lot when I pay him a compliment. Our previous dates have not been brought up in conversation at all. I wanted to discuss it of course but now I think I should just let him lead and wait for him to "remember". Am I over-thinking this?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 Does he remember you even went out on dates? Is his personality different this time? Was he possibly on drugs before? (Or now)
scooby-philly Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 There's too many unanswered questions here for us to help. Provide more information and we can do our best. 1. Why was he "busy" previously? A family situation? Busy at work? Perhaps he just doesn't remember what he told you? 2. Is he just a story teller? Maybe he tells the same stories over and over again to everyone, not just you. 3. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. Maybe he's just a little scared as a dater and he sticks to the same stories early on that get good reactions I think #1 is really important though. You could be very easily over analyzing this - you have to either politely tell him or wait and see if maybe it changes once he feels comfortable with you.
greymatter Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 If it is bothering you, I don't understand your hesitance to say something. I am a direct person. If I wanted to say something, I would, e.g. "oh yes, I remember you mentioning that when we went out before." 1
Author elastica Posted September 8, 2019 Author Posted September 8, 2019 Does he remember you even went out on dates? Honestly, I don`t know. Is his personality different this time? Was he possibly on drugs before? (Or now) So far his personality is the same and I am pretty sure he was not on drugs.
Author elastica Posted September 8, 2019 Author Posted September 8, 2019 1. Why was he "busy" previously? A family situation? Busy at work? He said he was busy at work, busy with different family member visiting each weekend, his car breaking down.... To be honest I though he was slowly ghosting me. As soon as he got a new car he sent me pictures of it and asked me out again. By that time I had decided he`s been in the man cave a little too long for my taste. 2. Is he just a story teller? Maybe he tells the same stories over and over again to everyone, not just you. Interesting point, I will pay attention to this. 3. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. Maybe he's just a little scared as a dater and he sticks to the same stories early on that get good reactions He does come across a little shy.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 How old are you guys? 50+ might be forgetting what he's already told people.... I'm 46 and do that..... 1
scooby-philly Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 He said he was busy at work, busy with different family member visiting each weekend, his car breaking down.... To be honest I though he was slowly ghosting me. As soon as he got a new car he sent me pictures of it and asked me out again. By that time I had decided he`s been in the man cave a little too long for my taste. Interesting point, I will pay attention to this. He does come across a little shy. Your response to #1 speaks volume. If he's been "in the man cave a little too long for my taste" - then why are you agreeing to still see him? Trust your gut.
preraph Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 Because he tells those stories to most of the women he ever goes out with, he can't remember if he has or not. Plus there is the scary possibility that he is just a very repetitive person who will do this to the end of time. There are lots of people like that. One of my old bfs was like that. It drove most of his friends nuts and certain stories drove me nuts as well. And guess what, when I saw him 25 years later, he was still saying those same things. So this may be his big flaw. 1
Author elastica Posted September 8, 2019 Author Posted September 8, 2019 How old are you guys? 50+ might be forgetting what he's already told people.... I'm 46 and do that..... We are both in our thirties. 1
Author elastica Posted September 8, 2019 Author Posted September 8, 2019 Your response to #1 speaks volume. If he's been "in the man cave a little too long for my taste" - then why are you agreeing to still see him? Trust your gut. Yes, at that time I felt like he wasn`t making me a priority. I didn`t know whether he was doing the slow fade or genuinely busy, and the uncertainty was driving me nuts. I can`t explain why, but this time around I feel a lot more casual about him. He is quite attracted to me and seems to enjoy my company a lot. If he needed man-cave time, I would gladly give it to him. I realized I might have been the one who overreacted in the previous situation.
Author elastica Posted September 8, 2019 Author Posted September 8, 2019 Because he tells those stories to most of the women he ever goes out with, he can't remember if he has or not. Plus there is the scary possibility that he is just a very repetitive person who will do this to the end of time. There are lots of people like that. One of my old bfs was like that. It drove most of his friends nuts and certain stories drove me nuts as well. And guess what, when I saw him 25 years later, he was still saying those same things. So this may be his big flaw. This is what I am scared of because it is driving me nuts. I really hope he is just nervous.
preraph Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 He's on his best behavior this early, so if he's driving you nuts now, it will only get worse. 2
Gretchen12 Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 Even if you met him in real life, he could be doing online dating, in which case he'll be telling the same thing to each woman he meets. This is something I notice that happens to people who do too much OLD. It changes their behavior. If this guy has a bad memory or is repetitive, he will start repeating/forgetting in a few weeks so you can just wait and see. If he tells the same story again next week, then it's not because he forgot he went out with you before. Also, sometimes people repeat a story because they enjoy telling it and reliving it. They actually know you've heard it before, they just want to tell it again. As for his memory, does he remember things you've told him? 1
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 What was wrong with saying something about it on the first date? Kinda silly to just sit there and go through him tell you the same stories over again. How embarrassing for him. As time goes on he’s going to find out about it. May turn into a not so cool situation. 1
schlumpy Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 Why not just assume that that he is so enamored by your charms and by your mere presence that it's scrambling his thoughts. Enjoy the moment. If he's still telling you the same stories a month from now then you have a problem. 1
preraph Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 A lot of people are repetitive because they get stuck on certain things. I have been really bad at it certain times when I had things on my mind or was trying to heal from something. And I like to tell stories too, so if the subject comes up, I will tell it. At my age I usually know who's heard it though. But I still may bring it up, remembering. 1
healing light Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 (edited) My mom does this to me because she really likes her stories, and she will shush me and tell me a story I've heard 50-100x before (literally) because she wants to laugh over it all over again. If I paraphrase it back, she gets mad and still the full story will be rolled out, so if I interrupt her it just prolongs the process. Haha! I have picked up the habit of retelling some stories 2-3x with a few of my close friends if I find them particularly funny, odd, or amusing and the topic at hand is relevant. Usually, I just don't know if they will remember (I've had a great memory but my experience tells me not to expect that from others), so if several months or a year has passed and the topic of convo leads me there... My ex was one of the few people to point out I had told him something the year before, but he was extremely attentive to everything I said. I kind of laughed to myself and was a little embarrassed (I knew I had told him it before) because I guess I just never expected him or anyone to remember/listen to me that closely. Everyone else either doesn't remember (they laugh like it's the first time they've heard it, or even ask me questions through laughter like it's the first time they've heard it) or just doesn't interrupt to tell me they'd heard it before. There have been some really important, big things I've told friends before and they have zero recall of it when I mention the topic again several months later and expound with updates as if they have all the backstory, so I have to stop and fill them in from ground zero. It's hard to know what people will or won't recall, I err on the side of them not remembering. Anyway, if these stories have emotional significance to him or he finds them funny, that might account for his repetitious storytelling. I had a best friend in college who was a huge storyteller, thrived on being the center of attention, loved drama, etc. and he would occasionally pull the same stories out from his arsenal for reaction. What I find odd is the very short amount of time of repeating many stories since you've known him, especially since I would guess the convo didn't just lead you there to hear all of them again. This makes me believe they might be his "go-to's" on dates like others suggested. When you bumped into him again and started going out with him again, did he immediately recognize you? I would find it really odd if he didn't remember you from just a few months ago. If he didn't, I wouldn't even know how to explain that... Edited September 8, 2019 by healing light 2
IslandSanctuary Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 Seems unhealthy to me. Why would you go backwards? If it didn't work out the first time around what makes you feel things will be different this time? If things between me and a woman 'fizzed out' then that would be it. I make people that could be a potential relationship a priority and expect the same in return. I wouldn't bother with anything else.
preraph Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 Old memories and stories are great entertainment to oneself and when you can share them with others. The more crazy stuff you did when young, the more you have to laugh about when old.
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