ironstick Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 Hello all, I am in need of some advice. Here's the story. Last January I started talking to this girl in Brazil (I'm in the US) through OLD. We hit it off pretty well and quickly were chatting every day for an extensive amount of time. After a few months we started thinking about ways to actually meet each other in person, even if we knew it would take time and planning to overcome the geographical distance between us. Fast forward, lately we have been making serious plans about meeting in person. We decided to meet at equal distance somewhere in Europe, to make it fair. That's where the trouble starts. After checking the airfare and lots of back and forth speculation, she stated that she could only afford to pay for the plane tickets and basically needs/wants me to pay for her stay expenses. At first I accepted, but after sleeping on it, I became uncomfortable about it and backed down. I don't mind paying for a coffee, or a dinner. Now affording a stay for someone I don't really know is risky. I am guessing she might think that I am rich since I live in the US, but I am not. I recently graduated from college for a second career and make more money now, but had to live on savings for a couple of years. On the other hand, though she lives in a "developing" country, she definitely is not from a favela. She is 37, Asian, is a physical therapist, and still lives at home. Her father was a dentist. She is well traveled, and is a though she's not a millionaire, she certainly belongs to the middle class. What do you think? Thank for your input.
schlumpy Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 I'm fairly risk averse so I was relieved when you said you backed out. If you want to meet her then insist on meeting her where you have more control. Fly her to your city and have her stay with relatives while you get to know each other. That would make sure that no one else was tagging along with her to enjoy a nice vacation on some on else's tab - namely yours. I know, I'm very suspicious. If she refuses, ghost her.
scooby-philly Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 OP, It is 100% normal to feel the way you do. The problem with long distance dating at the very start is you have no context for analyzing this other person. Maybe she's everything she says she is - maybe it's a scam. Think of this the same way you would loaning money to a family member - if you can afford it and really want to - then do it (though make sure you put yourself in a situation to control things as protection). If you can't or just feel like you need to know them better then just politely decline. As the first response mentioned - why not have her come to the USA? Unless she can't get a VISA or it takes too long - or try the Caribbean or Mexico. Plenty of places to meet "in the middle". And from an overall standpoint - try dating a little closer to home - especially if you don't travel a lot.
Author ironstick Posted September 9, 2019 Author Posted September 9, 2019 We talked about meeting in Europe since it's where I am from. I thought it would be a good way to travel and meet up with her, killing 2 birds with a stone. It's not halfway, but it's the same distance for each of us. I believe she's who she says she is (I checked). My concerned is really that she is the kind of girl who expect men should pay.
Sunlight72 Posted September 9, 2019 Posted September 9, 2019 My concern is really that she is the kind of girl who expect men should pay.Oh. Well if you don't like that, then that is a big deal. Yes, from what you've written, it is a good guess that she is a woman who expects a man to pay at least more of the time, if not all of the time. I mean the way you worded it, she's 37, a professional, and lives with her parents. Hmmm. Certainly there could be any number of reasons, but a likely reason is that she likes be taken care of financially. So, since that is the case, do you want to go forward with 'dating' her? I'm no expert, but my impression is that both asia and latin america have a strong cultural belief that the man should lead, pay, decide. If you're not interested in that dynamic I think you've found a woman who will be disappointed in you, and you will feel taken advantage of by her. I think this is just the first glimpse of reality, and now you can decide if you want more or not. I strongly second the post above that recommends you date closer to where you live. This would have become evident in the first and second time you met casually, with only the cost of a parking meter or uber ride to get to the rendezvous. Now, you're months and months into an imaginary connection where neither of you even knows if the other can enjoy sitting with you and not be on their phone for 10 minutes, brushes their teeth regularly, or has a habit of arriving 20 minutes late for everything or canceling at the last minute. I know, it's easy for me to say, but from the outside, this is what it looks like to me. Not to mention, she (or you for that matter) could have a kid or 3 that is not brought up until later.
scooby-philly Posted September 9, 2019 Posted September 9, 2019 And to add to the thoughts I shared about dating locally, which were just echoed by last poster: Long distance relationships are tough by nature. I just got out of a two-year ldr with someone who lived just two hours away. It's one thing if you met in real life and were trying to date from 3,000 miles apart. But if you've never met this person, then you can't really get a sense of who they are. You really only learn about a person by seeing them in different contexts/settings. Is there a reason you're talking to someone from Brazil in hopes of being in a relationship with them? Are you looking for a relationship based on mutuality, where things are discussed and you operate as a team? If so, then the previous poster's words are true - a lot of other cultures around the world aren't based on an equal partnership between the sexes. Not that it's 100% true - but it's a major point to consider if you want someone who isn't locked into gender based roles if you want a true partnership.
BC1980 Posted September 9, 2019 Posted September 9, 2019 A long distance relationship with someone in a different country would be incredibly hard to maintain. It's one thing if you live a few hours away and one person is willing to relocate, but living in a different county is different. I don't really blame either of you for not wanting to spend a lot of money to meet. That's really what it comes down to. Are you willing to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars to meet a person you might not even have chemistry with?
kendahke Posted September 9, 2019 Posted September 9, 2019 What do you think? She is a he (read: scammer) sitting in an internet cafe in Ghanna trying to steal your money. 2
Author ironstick Posted September 10, 2019 Author Posted September 10, 2019 She might be many things, but a Nigerian scam poser she isn't for sure lol
mortensorchid Posted September 10, 2019 Posted September 10, 2019 I was relieved when you said you slept on this and backed out. This smells - no, STINKS - of a scam happening. Have you talked to this person on a video call (ex. Skype)? If they won't do that, something is fishy. It's really not a good idea to go any unreasonable distance for an OLD. Need some examples? I have a few: 1) Russian mail order bride - A buddy of mine was getting back into the dating world after his divorce. 10+ years ago he met this woman online who said she was from Russia and traveled quite a bit. He paid her airfare for her to come here. When he showed up at the airport, no one was there to meet him and I think his bank account was cleaned out. Had I or anyone else known, I'm sure someone would have warned him. 2) A pathetically lonely / unstable woman - A gal I knew from high school was OLDing and traveling out to California MULTIPLE times to meet guys she met online. Looking back, she may have lied to them - she may have told them she was going to be in CA to begin with for another business or personal reason - and flew out to meet them. Whatever happened happened for this weekend, at the end of it she asked them when they were coming to her hometown to meet them. And they said no because they weren't sure how they felt about this and they were not about to go cross country just for an OLD. Which was/is understandable on their parts. One of these guys she went out to meet there told her a week later than he had met a woman he was sitting next to on an airplane and was going to be with her from now on. Long story short, she ended up moving to CA (I think that was her plan and she wanted to meet someone to eventually be in a relationship with and marry), when these relationships didn't happen the way she wanted them to she turned to drugs and alcohol. She refused to friend me on Facebook because that would take away from her chances of meeting men, and once hung up on me because some guy was calling her. Some of these guys she threw me over for ended up stealing her money and valuables on their way out, she would cry about it. Years later she called me wanting to be friends when she was thrown out of a house and ended up being on the street for a few weeks. I rejected her, she could sell her crazy somewhere else. She died at age 46 this year of a pulmonary embolism. So the message here is DON'T DO THIS. It's just an OLD and you'll end up spending a lot of time and money and effort. Ask to have a Skype session with her, if she says no, she's scamming you. 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 10, 2019 Posted September 10, 2019 I see that you want to "make it fair". The questions is, will you also be staying in a hotel? If you two will be getting separate hotels then you should each pay your own hotel. Why should you pay for both? If you will be staying with family or friends in Europe then you're not making it fair. I don't actually think it needs to be "fair" but you are making such a big deal of "fairness" by meeting in Europe to make it equal distance. (Btw airfare does not really go by distance) So if you proposed to meet somewhere in Europe where you have a place to stay for free but she doesn't, and you asked her to fly out to Europe to "make it fair", then I think you are a bit sneaky. 1
kendahke Posted September 10, 2019 Posted September 10, 2019 She might be many things, but a Nigerian scam poser she isn't for sure lol Last January I started talking to this girl in Brazil (I'm in the US) through OLD. Have you seen "her" in the flesh in real time with your own eyes?
Author ironstick Posted September 11, 2019 Author Posted September 11, 2019 Have you seen "her" in the flesh in real time with your own eyes? We facetimed quite a few times. She was who she said she was. Also I don't think Nigerian scammers speak Portuguese, either. That said, I agree with you it doesn't mean it is necessarily someone "interested".
kendahke Posted September 11, 2019 Posted September 11, 2019 We facetimed quite a few times. She was who she said she was. Also I don't think Nigerian scammers speak Portuguese, either. So the answer to my question is "No, I've never laid eyes on her in the flesh". People can manufacture anything--and understand: the US is the only country where knowing more than one language isn't encouraged. Most other countries on the face of the earth, people speak more than one language; and even some enterprising Ghanaians/Nigerians know Portuguese. Don't be that naive.
Author ironstick Posted September 15, 2019 Author Posted September 15, 2019 UPDATE We've been talking about the whole meeting situation, I told her that I felt uncomfortable paying for her stay, and she mentioned me visiting her in Brazil. I feel a little uncomfortable traveling there.
justwhoiam Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 We've been talking about the whole meeting situation, I told her that I felt uncomfortable paying for her stay, and she mentioned me visiting her in Brazil. I feel a little uncomfortable traveling there. What about meeting up in the Dominican Republic or Puerto Rico? Or even better, Miami? All 3 destinations are around $500 from Sao Paulo (not sure where she's at). Miami could go as cheap as $400. While flying to London would mean around $1,200 just for the flight... I spend like $400 from Europe to the U.S., so she'd be spending three times that. That's not fair. The average wage is $675 in Sao Paulo, which is a city. If she lives in a smaller town, she might make less than that. Now that explains while she's living with her parents. Also, maybe she's a freelancer, which means she doesn't have a steady income. Whatever her situation, think about how much you make in a month and double it, and think that you're asking her to pay that just for the flight. I say if you really want to give it a go, propose Miami, I'm sure you'll be able to afford a Holiday Inn for a few nights within your budget.
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