d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 Give him his space. Back off. Let him come to you but have really low expectations. Don't be hanging out waiting for him to fix this. If he's making you unhappy by his behavior & confusion words / actions, make yourself happy by voting with your feet.
kendahke Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 He really came to visit me but started an argument about our relationship...ugh. What am I supposed to do now? Best defense is a good offense tack... What are you supposed to do now? Figure out if you want this going forward for the rest of your life. If you don't, then dump him. He's lost respect for you--no sense in sticking around for more arguing and abuse. If you do, then figure out a way to not let his immaturity ruffle your feathers because there is more of that to come. 1
kendahke Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 He said he doesn't want to break up. He told me he didn't want to be with anyone else. I guess not--he'd then have to train a new girl to put up with his nonsense... You need to ask him why he doesn't want to break up when all he seems to have to offer are arguments and fighting. Who even does that? Who wants someone around just to fight and argue with him? Someone who's not mentally balanced, that's who. But I can tell that he's acting differently towards me. I don't want to break up, but if he's acting like this, I don't know how we're supposed to move forward... You do understand that you don't need his permission to dismiss him, right? Some things aren't meant to move forward--sometimes, people run their stuff so far to ground that there is no way to recover anything. This is one of those things. 1
Author nothingsintheflowerz Posted September 16, 2019 Author Posted September 16, 2019 His last message: "This just needs time. I know it is painful and I'm sorry if it seems like I dont love you. I do"
ExpatInItaly Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 I think you should brace yourself for the very likely possibility that a break-up is coming. It seems he is leaning towards ending it but having a hard time mustering up the courage to do so.
Allupinnit Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 Any time a boyfriend said he needed time and space it's because they were contemplating breaking up with me. I'm sorry. I'd go NASA on him and tell him to reach out when he's worked through everything in his head. The worst mistake I made was not being able to stay away. We weren't broken up officially, so it didn't feel right and I wanted to know where I stood. Limbo is the worst.
Highndry Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 His last message: "This just needs time. I know it is painful and I'm sorry if it seems like I dont love you. I do" This guy is a drama queen. What a joke.
Author nothingsintheflowerz Posted September 16, 2019 Author Posted September 16, 2019 This guy is a drama queen. What a joke. Can you please elaborate on why? I might have rose-colored glasses ..
preraph Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 What did he say he was unhappy with besides you smothering him?
Highndry Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 Can you please elaborate on why? I might have rose-colored glasses .. Why? Because he knows exactly what he's doing to you, yet still doing it. He's not acting like a man, he's an emotional vampire. He's punishing you and acting like a child. I would break up with this clown to set him straight. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 Can you please elaborate on why? I might have rose-colored glasses .. Hold on this guy says he loves you and he wants space. He comes by and criticizes you. He demands space and lays out a list of what YOU have to do to make the relationship worthy. He's hot and cold and cold ... and then warm ... he's just throwing words at you. You don't see the drama? Drama is the opposite of clarity and decisiveness. I'm going to give my best guess here. He's a guy who like a lot of guys ... is wimpy about breaking up ... so instead of just breaking up cleanly, he's trying to let you down easy. So he throws in all these statements about how much he likes you (that's supposed to make you feel better). You are taking his b.s. words and that's all they are--b.s.--way too seriously. Pay attention to his actions and how you feel. Do you feel good after he leaves? Do you feel secure that he loves you and is gonna be with you? You're putting up with nonsense ... This guy is a immature. I say that as someone who used to do exactly what this guy did. He's immature and deliberately confusing ... cause he doesn't have the guts to say he wants to break up. The smart women who encountered my b.s.--they hit pause, retreated and avoided wasting time with the younger me. If you go along with his continued b.s. and nonsensical contradictory statements, you are going to feel truly burned, scalded. Dump him ... feel the ache and disappointment. That ache will be far less than the bitter ache you'll feel when he finally decisively dumps you ... and you realize that all of his words were b.s. There is no such thing as ambivalence ... ambivalence about dating us is a problem. It means they are not fully on board and the only way a serious relationship survives is if both people are totally on board. Quit taking his words so seriously. You ever been to a used car lot? You take those guys' words seriously? Don't mistake some few hours of comfort with this guy ... for commitment and seriousness. Let me guess: when he spends time with you, he wants sex. Things feel kinda good ... and then he's back to his confusing b.s. of liking you ... but not .... loving you but ... I like the relationship but ... Dump him yesterday. Or yes, this drama, this chaos, this seesaw ride, will continue. If you're up for that fine. But you are going to be thrown off the ride or you're going to look up and he's gonna be gone. 1
Author nothingsintheflowerz Posted September 26, 2019 Author Posted September 26, 2019 Update: Space has mostly ended (I don't think we'll ever go back to the level of communication we were at before) and we are together! He told me last night that when I graduate from grad school, I can live with him and we also discussed having children. Things aren't perfect but I'm really hoping everything goes smoothly from now on. We are doing much better/less arguing. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Glad you are doing better & less arguing. Since you are long distance now, do not go from being apart to living together. Live near each other & date conventionally for the 1st 6 months at least. You will need to get used to each other again & to learn to balance the relationship & life. When you are LDR that precious little time you have together necessitates that life gets put on the back burner while you are together but IRL you still have to do the laundry, go grocery shopping, work etc. It's not quite the same fairytale quality as the stolen moments. As for any discussions about children, you are putting the cart before the horse. What about marriage? What about how they will be supported? Who will stay home & care for them or who will pay for daycare. It's not as simple as he makes it out to be.
elaine567 Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Discussing children and living together "in the future" can be a way of keeping a woman hooked. "He must be serious about me, we discussed children..." Not necessarily... some guys even have children with women they are not actually serious about... No mention of marriage? Here he has essentially moved the goal posts to make things better for him and you are "complying" with the new rules. Step right back out of the emotional turmoil and forget about HIS need for space, ask yourself is this the life YOU want? I know you must be glad he came back, but he is not the only man in the world..... How long till he needs "space" again? You are going to be on tenterhooks waiting for the sword to fall.. 2
smackie9 Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Things may seem OK now but if you don't address those issues that led to the break, it will happen all over again. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Update: Space has mostly ended (I don't think we'll ever go back to the level of communication we were at before) and we are together! He told me last night that when I graduate from grad school, I can live with him and we also discussed having children. Things aren't perfect but I'm really hoping everything goes smoothly from now on. We are doing much better/less arguing. He's manipulating and b.s.-ing you ... and himself. If he was into you, he would simply let him soak in the enjoyment and wonder of your presence and he would be focused on having fun with you right now. The "we'll move in this later" statement ... when 5 minutes ago he wanted space ... is a sign of a guy in his head ... and his head is disconnected from his real feelings. He thinks he should invite you to live with him. You want someone who is overwhelmingly enthusiastic and present right now--not in some alleged future date. Why would you be suckered for this? It would be like my auto mechanic botching a repair on my car ... and when I go to him to complain ... he tells me he's going to offer some great discounts in two years ... and then me taking his statement as a sign of confidence. You guys have fixed nothing. He's just worn you down. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Please proceed with caution here, OP. I don't mean to rain on your parade, since I know how much relief you are probably feeling now that things seem to be getting back on track. However, relationships that have these quick turnarounds are sometimes running on wishful thinking and fantasizing rather than true ability to problem-solve and manage conflict. Going from wanting space and him being annoyed with the relationship to talking children in such a short time-span would have me concerned. How did you two go from one extreme to the other so fast? 4
kendahke Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Update: He told me last night that when I graduate from grad school, I can live with him and we also discussed having children. First, you two need to live in close proximity to one another before you start living together. Your relationship, being a LDR, is mainly one where it's in a constant "honeymoon" phase--and that's not realistic because relationships don't stay in perpetual honeymoon phase. You've yet to experience him sick and whiny, him stinking up the bathroom, his clothes all over creation, not cleaning the kitchen or whatever human foible he's got and he you. Jumping straight into living together when you've had considerable logistical distance for most of your time involved with him is not a good idea. You need to have your own place there where he is until you two have gotten past the 6 month mark--that's usually when the "real him/real you" have decided to either go forward or shut things down. Leave the children talk until marriage talk has taken place, unless you want to be a single mother--because there's nothing to tell you right now that he's going to stick around once "I'm pregnant" lands on his head... and you want to have a far more solid foundation than living with a boyfriend for this endeavor. I know too many women who got pregnant behind a boyfriend who wanted them to have their children and the guy up and walked out, leaving the women to raise children without their consistent involvement. Just last week, he wanted space. Going strictly from what you wrote, seems rather wishy-washy and directionless... 3
Beendaredonedat Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Update: Space has mostly ended (I don't think we'll ever go back to the level of communication we were at before) and we are together! He told me last night that when I graduate from grad school, I can live with him and we also discussed having children. Things aren't perfect but I'm really hoping everything goes smoothly from now on. We are doing much better/less arguing. Well, I figured that him asking for space was more about breathing space than it was an actual break. That being said... Don't jump into any living arrangements right away. I agree with Donnavain... you really should move to your own apartment before jumping into a live in situation with him and get a job before you move so that you aren't beholden to him to survive. Be the fine, independent, confident woman that you are and the rest, if you two are compatible enough to make a go of it, will fall naturally and organically into place. Glad to hear you're a tad more emotionally settled then you have been.
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