When your boyfriend says he needs space...

[ExpatInItaly]

What were you arguing so much about prior to him asking for space?

[nothingsintheflowerz]

What were you arguing so much about prior to him asking for space?

 

Honestly, I would say 90% of our conflict was trivial. The 10% involved arguing about the impacts of our past relationship history on our actions now. There was a lack of trust. We both were cheated on in our last relationships. I think I resented him for treating me well and going above and beyond because deep down, I didn't feel I deserved it. He doubted that I cared for him. So I was super self-deprecating and it got on his nerves. I was irritated that he always felt the need to talk himself up and brag, like he didn't think I knew how amazing he is and was. My insecurities got the best of me, and he seemed to have his guard up to the point of fault.

[d0nnivain]

Does anybody think a man or woman would ask for space if they were really into the person and didn't want to lose them? .

 

The OP said she & her BF were messaging & talking throughout the day. That is exhausting & can't be maintained if one has a job.

 

Then she said the BF is trying to open a new business. To launch a new business requires 16+ hour days. He doesn't have time to coddle her through multiple texts throughout the day. He needs space / time / freedom to launch his new business. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about her. It does mean he's an adult with responsibilities. He is asking her to show him that she can prioritize her own studies & not be pestering him all day. That doesn't mean he wants to break up now. He is coming to see her. It is a warning that if she doesn't learn to be independent that he will walk because she is smothering him.

[Maddie82]

This is definitely over. Space is a softer way of saying he wants to break up. He lives 2 hours away and its a long distance relationship, how much more space does he want? Time to move on lovely.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

This is definitely over. Space is a softer way of saying he wants to break up. He lives 2 hours away and its a long distance relationship, how much more space does he want? Time to move on lovely.

 

No but thanks.

[olivetree]

Sounds like you both used the time apart to see the issues you were having more clearly.

 

Do you have a plan so that you don't repeat the same behaviours, or perhaps more patience for each other when you do?

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, I would say 90% of our conflict was trivial. The 10% involved arguing about the impacts of our past relationship history on our actions now. There was a lack of trust. We both were cheated on in our last relationships. I think I resented him for treating me well and going above and beyond because deep down, I didn't feel I deserved it. He doubted that I cared for him. So I was super self-deprecating and it got on his nerves. I was irritated that he always felt the need to talk himself up and brag, like he didn't think I knew how amazing he is and was. My insecurities got the best of me, and he seemed to have his guard up to the point of fault.

 

In my experience, a lot of trivial arguments are usually masking deeper unhappiness, frustration and resentment from one or both parties. It's as if you're having an allergic reaction but just keep scratching the itch rather than rooting out its underlying triggers.

 

So, what would say were the triggers for these seemingly trivial issues? For example, you say you talk yourself down a lot, which irritates him. You also feel he boasted. It sounds to me like you were both fishing for compliments from each other, looking for reassurance. You sound resentful for expecting to give praise when perhaps you feel he wasn't doing the same for you.

 

You also mention that there is a lack of trust. What caused conflict there? Opposite-sex friends? Nights out on the town without each other? Or?

 

I think it's important to really sit down and figure out both what each of your respective hot buttons are and how you're going to navigate this relationship different before exhausting each other and calling it quits.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Sounds like you both used the time apart to see the issues you were having more clearly.

 

Do you have a plan so that you don't repeat the same behaviours, or perhaps more patience for each other when you do?

 

I don't have a plan and I think we need one I've mostly been relying on the hope that by being apart, we will have more of an appreciation for each other when we are together.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

In my experience, a lot of trivial arguments are usually masking deeper unhappiness, frustration and resentment from one or both parties. It's as if you're having an allergic reaction but just keep scratching the itch rather than rooting out its underlying triggers.

 

So, what would say were the triggers for these seemingly trivial issues? For example, you say you talk yourself down a lot, which irritates him. You also feel he boasted. It sounds to me like you were both fishing for compliments from each other, looking for reassurance. You sound resentful for expecting to give praise when perhaps you feel he wasn't doing the same for you.

 

You also mention that there is a lack of trust. What caused conflict there? Opposite-sex friends? Nights out on the town without each other? Or?

 

I think it's important to really sit down and figure out both what each of your respective hot buttons are and how you're going to navigate this relationship different before exhausting each other and calling it quits.

 

I think we have the tendency to project our stress onto one another. We both have short tempers and small things would get to us even without malice involved.

 

The thing is, when I compliment him, he gets even more arrogant and says "I know, you don't have to tell me that." I don't know what that's about but I don't like arrogance in men and that turned me off of complimenting him all the time like I did in the beginning.

 

I think my lack of trust comes from an insecurity due largely to my past experiences. I just don't trust people, particularly men in my interactions, to treat me correctly without wanting something in return. When we met, I was a broke college student and due to an abusive living situation after I graduated, he asked me to move in with him after only 4 months of dating (I know that sounds crazy). We've been through a lot together and he never expected anything in return besides me just doing the best I could with my ambitions (which he has said to me even now). I found it difficult to accept that I was worth loving, to be honest. He said recently he trusts me more than he did before, so I believe he's healed a lot from being cheated on since we met.

 

I definitely want to discuss this with him but I also feel like I have the tendency to talk a little too much about the issues we have. I think I need to figure out how to make our conversations about maintaining our relationship more productive for him.

[BC1980]

I don't have a plan and I think we need one I've mostly been relying on the hope that by being apart, we will have more of an appreciation for each other when we are together.

 

He could miss you or realize he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It could go either way. One thing about taking space is that doing so doesn't solve the problem. Space simply removes you from the problem so that you minimize and forget what the problem was. If you get back together, you eventually face the problem again.

 

Space is also on one person's terms, which causes a lot of resentment. He is in total control.

[Beendaredonedat]

Exactly. Does anybody think a man or woman would ask for space if they were really into the person and didn't want to lose them? Of course not.

 

Read post #7

 

Besides, he's not asking for a break he is just asking for some space. There is a big difference between the two.

[Watercolors]

He could miss you or realize he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It could go either way. One thing about taking space is that doing so doesn't solve the problem. Space simply removes you from the problem so that you minimize and forget what the problem was. If you get back together, you eventually face the problem again.

 

Space is also on one person's terms, which causes a lot of resentment. He is in total control.

 

The bolded 100%.

[greymatter]

The thing is, when I compliment him, he gets even more arrogant and says "I know, you don't have to tell me that." I don't know what that's about but I don't like arrogance in men and that turned me off of complimenting him all the time like I did in the beginning.

 

Have you considered that what you perceive as arrogance might actually be insecurity? Perhaps when he says "I know, you don't have to tell me that" it's because he doesn't want to feel that you think he *needs* to hear that he is "great" in whatever ways you are complimenting him. Unless he really is arrogant, in which case, not sure why you can see yourself with him.

 

I think every poster here is on your side and only wants the best for you. If I'm wrong and he is truly there for you and wants a long term relationship, that would be welcome news. Time will tell. Right now he is giving a clear message that he needs to focus on things other than you. Regardless, the two of you have to stop arguing over petty things and grow up a little, because those issues are relationship killers and will make both of you really unhappy with each other. and nothing good will come of it.

[Highndry]

Read post #7

 

Besides, he's not asking for a break he is just asking for some space. There is a big difference between the two.

 

 

I already read your post and find it completely irrelevant. It's like saying "my grandfather smoked for 70 years and never got lung cancer, so cigarettes don't cause lung cancer."

[d0nnivain]

I think we have the tendency to project our stress onto one another. We both have short tempers and small things would get to us even without malice involved.

 

* * *

 

I think my lack of trust comes from an insecurity due largely to my past experiences. I just don't trust people, particularly men in my interactions, to treat me correctly without wanting something in return.

 

* * *

 

I definitely want to discuss this with him but I also feel like I have the tendency to talk a little too much about the issues we have. I think I need to figure out how to make our conversations about maintaining our relationship more productive for him.

 

I cherry picked 3 concepts out of your post to show you where you are going wrong & why your Bf is running for daylight.

 

He's your BF, not your emotional punching bag. If you are having a bad day, don't talk to him until you calm down so you can be sweet. Unload to your friends or your mom, not your guy. Go running. Join a gym & punch a heavy bag. Howl at the moon but do not unload on him.

 

If he's having a bad day & spews a face full of upset at you, be nicer to him. Don't respond in kind. Instead say I'm sorry your day sucked. Can I do anything to make it better or do you just need me to listen while you vent?

 

Do not initially expect to get the same supportive response from him when you are upset. You have to condition him to having received it from you in order to get him to give you this support. It will take years. Read a pop psychology book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Women like to discuss issues over & over. Men solve problems. You are never going to get him to talk the way you talk to your friends. Stop trying.

 

You have an admitted lack of trust. That is your issue, baggage you dragged in from prior relationships. You are being inherently unfair, punishing him for the sins of some jerk you dated in the past. Stop. Assess him on his own merits not your past bad experiences. When you start believing in him & the relationship your insecurities will diminish & many of these stressors / problems will disappear.

 

Stop discussing this with him for a while. Do not talk about your relationship any more unless he brings it up. Just BE in the relationship. Have fun, enjoy each other. Stop dissecting your relationship. You are talking it to death & annoying the bejeezus out of him. Come on here & post. Talk to your friends but hush already.

 

If you can chill things will get better. He doesn't really want to be away from you but he does need his days to be filled with work not relationship drama & he wants peace. You should be his refuge not a source of stress / conflict

[kendahke]

My boyfriend of a year and a half recently told me he needs space.

Does 'space' usually mean he just is softening the blow of an imminent breakup? How do I prevent this breakup from happening? Thanks so much in advance.

 

Well, it certainly means he's re-evaluating your relationship.

 

Thing is: there is no such thing as a break. Either you're working on resolving your problems together or you're broken up. Nothing that is neglected survives. (Space = break... I'm not going to split semantic hairs)

 

You can't prevent anything from happening. He's an adult with a right to determine how his life will unfold--you have no say-so in that. If he doesn't see value in continuing with you, then he's not going to do that. Could be the fighting you two engaged in gave him something to rethink.

 

What you have control over is how you act with the information you've got. Frankly, I wouldn't be waiting around for him. If he wants space, direct him to the Oort Cloud.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Do not initially expect to get the same supportive response from him when you are upset. You have to condition him to having received it from you in order to get him to give you this support. It will take years. Read a pop psychology book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Women like to discuss issues over & over. Men solve problems. You are never going to get him to talk the way you talk to your friends. Stop trying.

 

You have an admitted lack of trust. That is your issue, baggage you dragged in from prior relationships. You are being inherently unfair, punishing him for the sins of some jerk you dated in the past. Stop. Assess him on his own merits not your past bad experiences. When you start believing in him & the relationship your insecurities will diminish & many of these stressors / problems will disappear.

 

Stop discussing this with him for a while. Do not talk about your relationship any more unless he brings it up. Just BE in the relationship. Have fun, enjoy each other. Stop dissecting your relationship. You are talking it to death & annoying the bejeezus out of him. Come on here & post. Talk to your friends but hush already.

 

If you can chill things will get better. He doesn't really want to be away from you but he does need his days to be filled with work not relationship drama & he wants peace. You should be his refuge not a source of stress / conflict

 

Thank you so so much for your honest and helpful insight! Breaking it down makes it feel a lot easier to navigate...I have so much work to do on myself and I never considered in this year and a half how I could change, rather than just what the relationship was. I definitely have to read that book!

 

I also feel as though I've been so afraid to just believe that he loves me, I've pushed him away. The experiences I've had in the past are definitely not worth ruining my current one with him! We've shared so many special times at this point that there's so much more to base him off than comparisons to someone else.

 

I will definitely come here more than talk to him about it from now on. I realize all I want is for us to actually enjoy each other's company again. I've been told I'm an overthinker...I need to learn to just live in the moment.

 

Without going into too much detail, I have a condition that I take medication for and that helps me cope with my unwanted, obsessive thoughts. I don't like taking it and am frankly horrible with taking pills so I have been on and off, but he said there's a noticeable negative difference in our relationship when I'm not taking it. He even said it was selfish for me not to take it because it affects our relationship.

 

Ever since he asked for space I've been taking it and the improvement even just from last week has been huge. I just know I'm horrible at sticking to it so I think for the sake of the relationship and for my own consciousness I need to find a way to keep up with it.

Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[nothingsintheflowerz]

You can't prevent anything from happening. He's an adult with a right to determine how his life will unfold--you have no say-so in that. If he doesn't see value in continuing with you, then he's not going to do that. Could be the fighting you two engaged in gave him something to rethink.

 

What you have control over is how you act with the information you've got. Frankly, I wouldn't be waiting around for him. If he wants space, direct him to the Oort Cloud.

 

I totally agree...I don't want to allow him to just be in control, me at his whim. We actually spoke again last night and he told me that he wants to work things out but the improvement between us needs to be huge and pretty much completely fixed to continue forward. But working on myself, and really anyone working on themselves takes time! I told him I'll do my best to make things work for the better.

Edited September 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kendahke]

he wants to work things out but the improvement between us needs to be huge and pretty much completely fixed to continue forward. ...working on myself, and really anyone working on themselves takes time! I told him I'll do my best to make things work for the better.

 

He's put you on notice that you need to fix things before he seriously considers throwing in 100% with you.

 

I'd suggest you find a therapist to teach you the tools you need for effective communication.

 

And go on youtube and look up and binge on Terri Cole videos. She's a licensed psychotherapist who is incredible with her insights. It's a good place to start.

[d0nnivain]

Because you have been able to identify the issue you are on your way to resolving it.

 

Give him his space. Be upbeat when you see him & talk to him about anything other then the 2 of you. Obsess all you want here but be circumspect around him.

 

It's tough. My husband is a quiet guy. The silences used to unnerve me. I had to learn that to him silence means all is good, he's calm & happy. I kept trying to fill up the silences with words & conversation which stressed him out. It's a learning opportunity & a balance.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

He really came to visit me but started an argument about our relationship...ugh. What am I supposed to do now?

[ExpatInItaly]

What was the argument about, exactly?

 

As I mentioned before, it sounds like there's a lot of resentment built up on his end and it's come to a head now.

[healing light]

In this case I actually think space means space. If you guys are connected via texting and messaging and on the phone all day long, omg, that would drive anyone nuts. How do you get anything done? It sounds like both of you are exceptionally busy, as well.

 

 

I agree with most everything d0nnavain says down to the John Gray books.

 

 

Right now I would keep it positive and light as much as you can, do not initiate contacting him as much, let him come to you.

[d0nnivain]

He really came to visit me but started an argument about our relationship...ugh. What am I supposed to do now?

 

At this point you are supposed to recognize that your relationship is ending & that a break up is inevitable.

 

Sorry.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

He definitely seems very resentful towards me and said I can't expect for things to go back to normal immediately...but said he doesn't want to break up. Which really confuses me.

 

The argument came out of nowhere. He somehow found some weird connection to what I was talking about to discuss how annoyed he was about the relationship.

 

Outside of that we had a good weekend. We visited his family that lives in the city I'm in, too. He told me he didn't want to be with anyone else. But I can tell that he's acting differently towards me. I don't want to break up, but if he's acting like this, I don't know how we're supposed to move forward...