I ended it with her: second thoughts?

[Waffle Man]

Hi, I'm stuck...

For 4 months I've been dating a younger woman. I started seeing her shortly after her ex broke off their engagement.

 

At about the three month mark she started to feel confused about her (natural) feelings for her ex. And he began trying to get her back around the same time. She didn't shut him out. When I discovered she was having daily contact with him behind my back, I shut her down. We broke up. A week later she came back to me and said it was over with them. I was the guy she wanted. She promised she wasn't in touch with him. She lied.

 

A month or so later, she started to get confused again and was obviously in touch with him. She broke her own code. So, I ended it for a second time.

 

It's been very painful and she has been contacting me for the last couple of days since I took action. She wants to talk. I suspect she doesn't want to feel like a bad person or something guilt related like that.

 

In a sense, I've used NC because I refuse to see her and I'm pretty cold. I ask "what do you want?" when she calls and I refuse to communicate beyond insisting that she not contact me.

 

Here's the rub: I still love her, but I know this is the right thing to do. I know she'll hurt me again if I give her access. How do I cope with second guessing myself? I want to stay strong, but I obviously miss her dearly. Maybe its just the sex, but...

 

Thanks

[westernxer]

Tell her to leave you alone for awhile, or just bang her and tell her afterward.

[Waffle Man]

Well, thanks for the feedback. I think telling her to stay away for a while is best. Sex with her may be the thing I'm addicted to...It is likely the thing that makes it so hard to turn my back on her.

[slubberdegullion]

Let me get this straight:

 

You started seeing her right after her engagement was broken;

In spite of your wishes, she kept in contact with her ex on the sly;

After being caught, she lied about it;

You broke up with her twice because you couldn't trust her;

Now she may want you back.

 

Sure, you'll probably have feelings for her for quite a while. But the fact (as it's laid out here - no pun intended) is that you cannot trust her based on her past behaviour.

 

Good riddance.

[Waffle Man]

Thanks, guys!

Good riddance seems right. How do I cope with her contacting me? Ignore it? There's so many ways to get in touch with somone. To be honest, with each effort she makes, I find it harder to be a proper bastard about it. I miss her and want her back, but I want her back without her baggage. How do I stay strong?

 

Waffler

[Mary3]

Go into NC mode asap ! That means no calls, texts, visits, flowers , anything .

 

And stick with it.

 

Get your dignity back.

[hooghie]

I feel for you Waffle Man!

 

It sounds like you are already strong since you have been able to stay away from her despite your feelings.

 

Please remember how she treated you and make mental or even written reminders to yourself of everything she did to hurt you. Only talk to her if you need to let her know why you cannot be with her. Let her know she hurt you and lied to you and ask her to stop contacting you.

 

She may truly be sorry this time, but I doubt she'll ever respect you the way you deserve to be respected.

 

good luck and stay strong.

[Waffle Man]

Thanks for the insight. It is so hard to do this. She sent me a really intense stream of consciousness e-mail and I'm pretty busted up. I did NOT respond. The good news is that she knows she has some work to do for herself and that she knows it will be nearly impossible to ever convince me that I should believe in her or us--even if she reckons she "fixed her problems". Which, either way, should take quite a few months at best. So that's pretty much my target for NC. I should have healed and moved on by then. Any pointers on how to resist the urge to contact somebody while you still love them? It seems like cigarette addiction in a way.

 

Thanks

[georgiagirl76]

The best way to fight the addiction is to put a buffer in between you and her. Let me try to explain- put a system in place- such as have an agreement with a friend that you will call them any time you get the urge to call her. Or you will post here if you get the urge to write her or respond to her. A lot of times the urge is an intense one but does fade with moments passing. This helps you make sure that you don't make a mistake based on some quick emotions. Just a suggestion.

[stowe]

keep up NC all the way -- whenever you get "weak", try to focus on why you left her in the first place...and ask youself "do I really want someone who treats me like this?" you KNOW you're better than that! even if you're to get back with her, i doubt that you woule ever feel secure in the relationship....again, is that what you want?

 

personally, anyone who toys with my emotions like that doesn't deserve me...

 

good luck & stay strong!

[Waffle Man]

 

I just screwed up big time! She called me and I answered because I wussed out. I told her I couldn't talk and hung up... A good save you say? Nope, I called her back a few minutes later and we got into it--sort of. I let her know that I wanted her to stop calling me, and she wanted me to know that she just needed some time to figure things out. I said you have all the time in the world. Then she slipped into, "maybe we'll get back together" mode. I explained that that was not possible so I let her know that I was moving on, she needed to "please leave me alone and never contact me again if she respects me." She claimed to respect me and love me and I told her that I hope she has a happy life. She then asked if I really meant that she should "So you mean *never* contact me forever?" And I said "Yes. Never contact me." She said that our souls were intertwined and that we would be back together again someday. That last thing she said seems totally cruel and patently false. How could she do this to me if she felt like we were soulmates. Is it just me or does she sound like the most rotten person since, since--I don't know who! She just sucks, right?

 

So-starting-NC-again-starting-now! God, I can be such a wuss sometimes.

 

Thanks, guys!

[Waffle Man]

I will try to post when I feel weak. Or call a pal when I feel week. Good idea.

 

Thanks again, gang!

[Mary3]

Hey Waffle you are human. I think you are doing an EXCELLENT job !

 

You hit the nail on the head when you said " I should have gotten over her by now " but the reason you didnt is because she messed with your head LONNGGG after she should have left you alone.

 

It happened to me once too}

 

Your DIGNITY is what you want back. Your mind quieting itself. Your peace of mind.

 

Block all forms of her....from changing your phone number to blocking mails. Do what you gotta do !

[Waffle Man]

Thanks for the support, Mary3.

 

But I don't think I said I should be over her by now. This is still week one. It will take much longer, but... Obvioulsy, there's some urgency to my situation. I'm fighting tooth and claw to get free because she is a dangerous one.

 

I think I said that I should be over her after a few months. Maybe that's optomistic, but I've been here before (not as intense because I'm so hung up on her physically) and it takes me about a few months to get my act together after a break up. At any rate, after this recent NC slip-up on the phone, I actually feel much better. Like maybe a form of closure happened for her and I sensed it. She may get that I'm serious about being left alone. At least she understands for the time being, so maybe I'll catch a reprieve.

 

This will sound weird, but: It was like I had a chance to accept that I wasn't coming back. Like I allowed myself to live in the present and envision my future without her--and I was fine with it, actually.

 

But she'll be back. I need to reach escape velocity pronto! When she realizes what she wants, I want to be crystal clear with myself that I don't want her back. I'm fighting hard...

 

You guys are really helping out. THX

[Mary3]

I reread your post and you said you should be healed by then ( 2 months ). I misread what you said. Gotcha

[Waffle Man]

The thing that I can't figure out is why I've allowed myself to be abused like this. I'm a very confident guy, I almost always have girlfriends or SO's and I like myself. I've never really put up with abuse before. I guess one big issue is that I always felt that physically, she was too good for me. She is a known film actress and stars in a TV show. I'm a good looking guy, but only moderately successful. I'm a bit of a roughneck, surfer philosopher type guy--but I don't think she ever appreciated that because we rarely talked philosophy and she wasn't the outdoors type. I never really understood why she was with me. Now I suspect that she saw good, honest guy who was safe and felt like I could be a crowbar to pry her from her ex-fiance.

 

I mean, the abuse, it was bad. Confession time: In one of our fights, after we got back together the first time, she slapped me. I'm ashamed of this because I didn't know what to do about it. It never occured to me to hit her back--and it really didn't hurt. I was just totally nonplussed.

 

Why would a good man like me allow this to happen, and worse, continue to love her.

[stowe]

Waffle Man,

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, please... Consider it as one of those "lesson learned" moment in life. If anything, I congratulate you for staying so storng so early in the stage. I didn't mention this in my last post, but I went thru 2 YEARS of what you're going thru once, a while ago. My ex left me for another chick after 3 years of dating, so I broke it off completely (like I had a choice), but what did I do? I TOOK HIM BACK EVERYTIME he came running back crying, professing his love, etc. because I loved him and (thought) he loved me. I had to hit the rock bottom (sleep deprivation, not eating, drinking...a major depression in a nutshell) to realize the "truth" = IF he really loved me and cared about me like he said, he would not have put me in the situation in the first place! As soon as I realized that, it seemed logical to take myself out of the equation...afterall, you have control over YOUR own action. Believe me, I know it's NOT easy...I know you love her & it's easy to make excuses of the situation, but the truth is, it is ALL one sided. What about you & your feelings?

 

Stay strong -- YOU'RE WORTH MORE THAN THAT!

[jms]

man, i totally know how it feels. You know that being broken up is the right thing, but you feel like something is missing and you'll never get it back. I like the "phone a friend" advice, I think I may try to arrange something like that.

[Waffle Man]

:mad:

 

She woke me up at six a.m. with a phone call from a private line. I guessed it was her, but my curiosity, fact I was sleeping (and rationalization that it could be an emergency) confused me into answering. We talked for 30 minutes. She told me she couldn't sleep. She continued to tell me that she loved me and didn't want to lose me and she wants me back and needs her space and wants to think but needs me back--and all that kind of TOTAL BS!

 

I told her there would be no getting back together ever. I want to move on without her and even if I wanted her back--which I made clear I don't--I would never forgive her or trust her, and what kind of relationship is that?

 

She said she loved me again. I asked her to please respect me and allow me to heal and she said with some mock finality: "Okay. I'm sorry. I'll never call you again."

 

We hung up. Anybody want to take bets that she calls back again?

 

So why do I still feel like I miss her and want her back even though she's clearly being a manipulative, selfish little brat? Is changing my phone number over reacting? Or do I secretly like having her call and knowing that she misses me more that I miss her?

[jms]

Man, sounds to me like she just wants to try and retain you as a viable option while she looks for someone else.

[Waffle Man]

You don't think she's just trying to keep me a viable option until she decides whether she wants her ex-fiance or not? I guess I really hadn't thought of a third guy in the picture. Possible I guess. Maybe the ex-fiance is a smoke screen? She'd ahve to be a true master if that's the case.

 

Either way, I'm trying very hard to eject myself from this whole mess!

[westernxer]

She doesn't want you if she needs space. Good job on rewriting the rules.

 

Never date someone on the rebound...

[Waffle Man]

Westernxer

 

You mean she did a good job on re-writing the rules? I'm confused.

[Waffle Man]

I mean--Westernxer--are you saying that I’m casually re-writing the rules of NC by taking her calls. I suppose that’s fair enough, but at least I’m sticking to my guns. I’ll admit that it is messing with me to lot her get any kind of airtime in my head. But I think even the strongest proponents of the NC thing know how hard it can be. She didn’t dump me. I’m not trying to get her back. She’s coming after me. I don’t call her, I don’t e-mail her. I’m messing up letting her contact me, but isn’t that harder than resisting the urge to contact them. The heart wants what the heart wants. I wanted her and I can’t shake it no matter how vile I see her acting.

[stowe]

i think what you want back is what you HAD with her, and not necessary HER. another guess is that it's the male "ego" thing..."i must win & have her" kind of thing...