when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[Maggiemay1]

 

If i was to say something id expect her yo just be short and say ok no problem, all the best and then go cold.. or even just say ok lets end it because this is not going to work and i di t want anything right now.. because she is that stubborn...

 

At the moment she said her friends moms death has hit her hard. Thats because she loves her own mom so much and does everything with her, so the thought of losing her own mother has hit her hard.

 

She would not reply the way you predict out of stubbornness. Her reply would be because she broke up with you weeks ago. And stands by it because that’s what she wants, stubborn or not.

 

But since yuu already know what her reply would be, then what’s the point in messaging her?

 

As for her friends mothers death, I didn’t want to seem insensitive , but what has that got to do with you? Are you going to the funeral? Would you have known about it if you hadn’t heard via your ex?

[mrlee123]

I wouldnt have known if she hadnt of told me and no i wont be going to the funeral.

 

She has a strong relationship with her mother to.which i cant explain... they go to these football.matches because if they dont then money will be wasted on the season ticket. I will take what you say on board and go quiet.. i just wasnt sure weather to tell her straight i dont want to be friends.

[assertives]

No need to say more. Just block her and move on with your life. Take the time to heal and then find someone who can reciprocate your feelings and actually wants the same things as you do. Your ex frankly have been pretty consistent about what she said/want and her actions actually do match what she said about not wanting a relationship and only wanting to be friends. Look at your own actions and what you are saying, these are the behaviour of someone who is into her, and wants a commitment. Contrast it with her actions, words and attitude, does it model/resemble yours? Actions of one who is into you and wants a commitment? Clearly, she's not interested. You can't have a relationship if only one party is interested.

 

Perhaps you find her "hard to read" because you are hanging on to the image you have of her and the relationship and are choosing to read more into her actions/words than there is. It is clear as day that she's not into you for awhile even before breaking it off. There's no point in making her regret what she has lost in giving you up. Regrets isn't going to foster the love and commitment which is what you'll need to go the distance in a relationship.

 

The good things you've done for her, the way you've treated her right, the good experiences you've shared together, are probably what made her love you as a person/friend but not as a spouse or a significant other because she's not feeling the spark. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you really can't make someone want something they don't want.

[preraph]

I wouldnt have known if she hadnt of told me and no i wont be going to the funeral.

 

She has a strong relationship with her mother to.which i cant explain... they go to these football.matches because if they dont then money will be wasted on the season ticket. I will take what you say on board and go quiet.. i just wasnt sure weather to tell her straight i dont want to be friends.

 

And that's fine, but the point being she's too busy for YOU. She's not.

[Beachead]

mrlee123,

 

I apologize in advance for my post. It will be direct but I hope it finds you well.

 

Although you're hearing what people are saying, I'm not sure it's actually clicking with you as to why you should stop talking to this girl. You have hope she'll change her mind because your ego is unwilling to accept that this person you got to know could do to you the things we are describing AND because facing a future without her is uncertain and unsteady and it scares you. So you hold onto tight to situation that is bad for you. You excuse her poor treatment of you.

 

Your hope suggests to me that you disrespect the thought process that has gone into her decision to break up with you. She didn't decide it impulsively OP. She assessed her relationship with you thus far; everything that you are as a person and what you bring to the table and then she decided it wasn't for her. It took her months to pull the plug.

 

Attempting to manipulate your responses and your interactions with her in order to recapture her interest will not make any difference at this point. But if you require hope in this regard, then I will say this again: Your best chance of getting her to notice you again (But understand the odds are not in your favour) is to withdraw your presence. She cannot miss you if you are around. She cannot appreciate what you brought to her life if she doesn't experience your absence.

 

All in all, this girl has dumped you and has not shown any indication of going back on that decision. You should focus on your own emotional health now..not to win her back. But because you realize being brokenhearted and miserable will blind you from potential relationship and life opportunities coming your way in the future. It'll blind you from all the good in your life. Because people who are insincere, will have a destructive impact on the way you see your life and yourself. Because you know you deserve better and that you want to realize a future with someone who wants to be with you.

 

You should not be going NC for her. This has nothing to do with her. I understand how you feel. You feel abandoned. You're scared. You're confused, you're lost, you're hurting. I been through 3 breakups in my life. 2 of them with girls who've done to me what she's currently doing to you. It's far too common.

 

But the sooner you throw your middle fingers up at this situation and walk, the smoother this process is going to be. You mentioned you were afraid to lose her from your life. She's already gone mrlee123. There is more than one way to leave a person and she emotionally left you a long time ago. You've been on your own for awhile now. Coming to acknowledge this and accept it is not easy and will take time for you.

 

You may have to do this your way to make sense of what it is we're trying to tell you.

 

- Beach

Edited September 11, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

Despite all the best advice, you just don't get it, so you're going to have to learn the hard way. You are like putty in her hands, taking her every call, being her friend even though you told her that's what you didn't want. You have shown her that you're weak and unable to enforce boundaries, and that makes you even less attractive than you were before. Women want a man who is strong and sure of himself.

 

The only way to handle these situations when a woman goes cold and breaks up is with a simple:

 

"ok, if that's what you want then that's what you'll get. I'm sorry you feel that way and if you have a change of heart you know how to reach me. Until then, please do not ever contact me again. Good luck."

 

Then you disappear off the face of the earth. You don't take their calls, you don't wish "Happy Birthday," you don't do any of the weak nonsense you're engaging in.

[django]

You need to seriously consider that there is someone else in her life. She's absolutely right that she has a new teaching job and it will eat up a lot of her time. I'm a teacher, and I know what the workload is like. I also know what the psychological toll of teaching can be: constant scrutiny from 100+ kids, many of them quite eager to express displeasure or scathingly criticize you, long nights of preparation, intense self-doubt, the list goes on. I can tell you that given the choice between taking on this task alone or with the support of someone I love, I would choose the latter every time. You need to have good things in your life in order to survive this job, especially your first year.

 

Believe, the things she's telling you are things many men have heard when the women they love meet someone else. It's a script that runs to prevent the truth from coming out, because the truth will hurt someone and (perhaps more importantly) the truth will in all likelihood eliminate what they consider the next best option. Would you stick around in any capacity knowing her confusion was more about her interest in another man than the conflict between her career and what you had with her? No? She knows that too.

 

You might not need to cut her out entirely, but you are definitely single, and chances are excellent that the woman you love is lying to your face. She's not making any sense to you now because words are cheap, and her behavior is not congruent with what she says. Starting a new job is tremendously stressful, and stressed people usually reach out to those they love. I would be very surprised if she was not involved with someone else.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

i just wasnt sure weather to tell her straight i dont want to be friends.

 

In your case, I think it's fine for you to text her that you don't want to be friends and that you will be blocking her so you don't receive any more of her breadcrumbs (and yes, I think I'd even use that word!). The next time she texts you: "This will be the last text I respond to, FYI. I'm not interested in a casual friendship with you. For my well-being, after I hit send, I will be blocking your number. I wish you well."

[Maggiemay1]

I wouldnt have known if she hadnt of told me and no i wont be going to the funeral.

 

She has a strong relationship with her mother to.which i cant explain... they go to these football.matches because if they dont then money will be wasted on the season ticket. I will take what you say on board and go quiet.. i just wasnt sure weather to tell her straight i dont want to be friends.

 

Well there you go!

She didn’t tell you about the death of her friends mother for your sake , but from a selfish angle.

 

Having season tickets with her mother to football isn’t a sign of a strong relationship with her mother , it simply suggests they share a mutual interest.

And her not going is not about wasting money , anyone that purchases a season ticket does so because they WANT to secure a seat for every game.

They are not choosing to go simply because they paid for it!!

 

It’s time to block her, no notice or explanation is required.

She might be relieved you did , because I think her contact with you is because she feels somewhat guilty.

She might be surprised that you have the strength to do so and if for some reason that makes you more attractive to her , she knows where you live.

 

Do it already.

[mrlee123]

Shes promised me theres nobody else so I got to believe her on that. Thank you all for your advice and im sorry if ive made you repeat things youre telling me. I am going to tell her i dont want to be friends and then completely cut off communication. I dont see any other way... so i guess i will see what happens. I havent heard from her today anyway but if i do thats when i will tell her..

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Does that mean you're going to block her?

[elaine567]

I would be very surprised if she was not involved with someone else.

 

You may be right, but I think if she had another serious love interest she wouldn't be bothered throwing bread crumbs in his direction.

[Marc878]

You don't need to tell her again. Learn to ignore.

 

That's your problem you keep communicating whic is the opposite of what you told her upfront.

 

Your actions don't match your words

[Beachead]

Shes promised me theres nobody else..

 

Not yet anyway..but there will be.

 

Her choice to leave you means she is consciously choosing to embrace something new with someone new, whether it's happened already or not. They'll fall in love. And just like you didn't want her keeping in touch with her ex, he won't want her keeping in touch with you. She's going respect his wishes because she is committed to a future with him. You are the past. She will not jeopardize her future for the past. She'll discard you completely or put so much distance between you that your connection to her will feel like a fraction of what it used to be. The pain and frustration of that will make you eventually leave. So ultimately, promises like this will be broken because they don't carry any longevity. At some point it's validity expires. Staying in touch is only a means to remain in denial about this outcome and prolong the day you have to face it.

 

The choice you have is between saving yourself from the entire soul sucking process by leaving now or going through it and eventually being forced to ultimately let go at a later date. One way or another, it ends there. If you choose to stick around, you will come to discover that what you two share afterwards will never be what it was nor what you want. It'll will always fall short and it'll break your heart everyday. This is precisely why when a person dumps you, the only thing you should do is wish them well and walk away. Don't let them coerce you into remaining in their life. It only benefits them. This isn't easy to accept or apply which is exactly whatever energy and strength you have left should be used to mend your broken heart, far away from her presence, in a place where you are free to cry and express yourself. You need you right now.

 

It's on her to reach you if she wishes to get back together again. Nobody can make her change her mind but her.

 

I went through these things my friend. I was a guy who believed I could stay friends with exes or girls I had feelings for that rejected me or vice versa. I learned it's not possible in any immediate future. One must rid his feelings and hope first and learn to live without the person, in order to approach them again as someone who needs and wants nothing from them. Takes a long time. Grief and recovery is slow.

Edited September 12, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

Well its 100% done now... and before i say anything i dont need anyof you to say i told you so, you shouldnt have done this or you should have done this, its over, blah blah.. i know i messed up and i know its over. So keep all that to yourselves please. Its hard for me to write this as it is...

 

So we spoke on the phone last night, she said shes just focused on her career right now, wants to spend time with her family and go to football matches on the weekend. The spark of our relationship has gone and she feels it should still be there after a year. She said i should move on as she doesnt want me waiting around because she doesnt think her feelings will change anytime soon. Of course she doesnt know in future but right now she doesnt think she will. She just doesnt want a relationship with anyone. She then blocked me off whatsapp and said she did because she needs a break from me and doesnt want to receive any long messages. I would not have sent any of those anyway! Said dont worry your still in my life. But i feel now as shes blocked me and thats it.. done forever. I never expected her to do that... on the phone she did admit that she always makes rash decisions..

 

She can still call me or regular text... but this is where i now try to move on.. if she reaches out again i totally ignore. Im hurt and i never saw that coming...

 

Thanks everyone for the advice...

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP, I know that was hard to hear.

 

The thing is, it was already done for good when she ended it. This is just confirmation of that fact. She realized she couldn't keep reaching out to you as friends because it was sending you the wrong message and unfair to you and your healing - so here we are now. She doesn't have romantic feelings for you anymore and thus needs to put distance there now as she sees you still had hope left.

 

This is where the tough part of truly letting go starts. You'll get there. Ultimately, it was better for her to be completely honest now so that you can work toward accepting that your story with her has indeed come to a close.

[Maddie82]

I'm sorry you're hurting and i hope that gave you some closure. I wish you all the best for your future.

[mrlee123]

Thanks.. im just hurting and finding it hard to accept my life wont include her. She unblocked me off whatsapp now but didnt day anything and i wont say anything either.... its just crazy how back in april she wqs talking about being with me forever... now shes like i dont want a relationship with anyone in the near future... who knows maybe she will reach out again... but i doubt it..

 

I worry a lot as well that im going to be alone for a long time, im 28, i dont want to go years of being single and not settling down and having fun with someone. Really hurts and i cant stop thinking about it. My friends live an hour away and are tied down themselves so its not always i get to see them. Low point this...

[Marc878]

Bud, what you're gonna find is this isn't the end of the world. At 28 you're just beginning. When one door closes another opens. This is over she is just trying to let you down easy. Don't be surprised to find there was someone else. There usually is.

 

What you should learn from all this is never chase. It just lowers your status.

 

You probably won't take the advice but you should block her on everything.

 

You still have some hopium addiction going on. Which will keep you from moving on.

 

Shes told you and shown you what you need to know. Believe her.

[stillafool]

My goodness you're only a 28 year old man so of course you will meet plenty of other women. Your chances of being married, it that is what you want is 100%. You already have a home and are on the right track for any young woman looking to settle down. Why would you think this is it for you?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She can still call me or regular text... but this is where i now try to move on.. if she reaches out again i totally ignore. Im hurt and i never saw that coming...

 

 

I think you'll feel better sooner if you block her from even being able to call her text. If she wants to contact you badly enough, which she probably won't, she knows where you live.

[stillafool]

I agree. You need to BLOCK HER so you aren't holding on to the hope that she will contact you again. Also stop checking her social media and what she's doing. It's time to let her go.

 

Why do you not answer the questions about blocking her?

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

I want to focus my attention towards something that you should know on your road to recovery.

 

You have an aversion to being single because you have expectations that you should be with someone. I bet you probably compare your life to the other married or engaged people around you in real life and on social media and you think, why not me? I'd also wager you fear being alone and think something is wrong with you if you are. Because of those things, you're current self is liable to get into a new relationship for the wrong reasons. I challenge you to spend time on your own for a year or two and concentrate on doing the things you've always wanted to do. The joy in single life isn't the same as being with someone but there are things in it that you cannot get with a partner. Discover what that is by living it for awhile. When you find your smile again on this journey, you'll be ready to date again. You'll be healed. By then, you will not be likely to lean on someone else to complete your life, but rather to enhance it.

 

Regarding the change in her behaviour from April, let me tell you this. The Last person I was with, declared her love for me. She often talked about a future. 2 weeks after that, she went back to her ex and dropped me from her life. She married the guy inside of a year and moved far away not long after. If that wasn't tragic, the person before her also told me she loved me before she dropped me as well via whatsapp, while overseas, studying medicine. I learned some very valuable lessons. Get to know yourself so that you know what you want and don't want. When you get back into a relationship, you'll therefore have a much better grasp of the behaviour you're willing to accept and will know when to walk away. People say a lot of things, so take words lightly and pay attention to the actions.

 

- Beach

Edited September 13, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

Yes beach youre right... i guess im worried.. just wanting to do fun things and share it with someone on things like xmas, weekends, new years.

 

Also the reason i cant block is because something inside of me just wont make.me do it.. im sorry but i just cant.. i know.you think im stupid. In time maybe i will.. but for now i cant... i dont have her on social media.. ive deleted our photos, all i have is her number.. now shes unblocked me on whatsapp shes on there.

[stillafool]

So, she's made it clear that she's let you go but you've decided you're going to hold on anyway?