when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

September 10, 2019

They have a season ticket for football games so if they do t go its a waste. I havent heard anything recently so ill keep it like that...

September 10, 2019

She texted me to say her friends mom has passed away.

September 10, 2019

I get what you're saying abotu not answering though, if i dont she will immediately think im ignoring and playing a game. Then she will go into stubborn mode and do the same...

That's the whole point. This is what needs to happen otherwise you'll never let go.

September 10, 2019

That’s very sad for her friend. I assume you didn’t know her friends mother?

Did you know the friend?

I’m unsure as to why she is telling you though. She chose to break up with you which also removes you as someone to console her.

Simply reply sorry to hear that.

September 10, 2019

I knew her friend yes and i replied by saying im sorry to hear to which she said its ok.

September 10, 2019

Sounds like she is slowly but surely nudging you into being just friends after all.

September 10, 2019

Which is why i feel like I need to tell her clearly i dont want that... but obviously i dont want to do that today when shes just had this news.

September 10, 2019

I knew her friend yes and i replied by saying im sorry to hear to which she said its ok.

You have offered your condolence. She accepted that. That’s all you can do.

Instead of her telling you , she should be there for her friend. But she is making this about her.

There will always be a reason for contact post break up , like you say her upcoming birthday , this recent news, but at the end of the day, she is still sticking to her guns re breaking up. And using you as a friend. Which you clearky don’t want.

Don’t let her recent upset cloud you.

If you want to reach out and offer your condolence to the friend , by all means do so. But leave your ex out of it.

September 10, 2019

Yeah i mean i dont want to say anything else as this news is raw today.. but if she carries on small talking me i was thinking of saying something along the lines of...

Remember that ive told you i dont want to be just friends, im here for you if you worry or stress about anything but i want to be more than friends and start like the beginning again.

September 10, 2019

Remember that ive told you i dont want to be just friends, im here for you if you worry or stress about anything but i want to be more than friends and start like the beginning again.

I highly recommend that you don't say anything else to her and let her be. Don't contact her and block her. She already know's your feelings on this but she keeps messaging about things that have no relevance to you. Time to block her and finally move on. Don't add fuel to the fire. Walk away from it.

September 10, 2019

@mrlee123

Again, Stop explaining to her. Stop responding to her messages. She's not paying attention to your explanations, she is reading your actions. She knows what you said but she doesn't care because you're not enforcing your own rules. You've established no boundaries. You've only responded to her everytime she's contacted you so you've taught her nothing except you're just as available to her out of a relationship, as you were in relationship.

She's a selfish person for doing this as well but you can't control that. You can only control your part.

The situation with her friend's mother..if you want to offer your condolences to her friend, do it directly to her and not through your ex. Otherwise, it doesn't matter if it's her birthday, or if it's the holidays, traumatic events etc. ..don't engage. As cruel as it sounds, this is about respecting yourself and establishing boundaries between you and her so things don't get ugly. This is crucial to your well-being.

If you can't do this, I promise you, things are going to ugly with her and it's going to hurt you. The worst part, you'll only have yourself to blame.

- Beach

Edited September 10, 2019 by Beachead

September 10, 2019

How long has it been now since you've seen her in person?

Also, I'm wondering, when she was with you, was she complaining that she spent so much time with you that she had no time to see her mother and friends?

September 10, 2019

..... Remember that ive told you i dont want to be just friends, im here for you if you worry or stress about anything but i want to be more than friends and start like the beginning again.

This is essentially agreeing to be her friend, and looks like she has taken you up on your offer to be there for her no strings attached. She just wants to be friends, she doesn't want a relationship with you. Continuing to engage her and "be there for her" in a not a boyfriend capacity is showing her exactly that while you say you "don't" want to be just friends, you technically don't mind it.

September 10, 2019

Its been like 2 weeks, this will be the third since ive seen her in person. Of course all last week she will have seen my stories on social media so known what i was doing. Last time i saw her we were on a date and it was brilliant. Then i went to her parents house and we went for a walk. That day when i got home and realised she had her ex on social media and confronted her about it is when she went mad and then she started the job so thats when it got bad. When she was with me in person she never complained about anything. But now she doesnt have me on social media...

September 10, 2019

I dont know.... im hurt, confused, im everything with this situation... shes always been very hard to read, and I know with certain things she shuts people out and keeps stuff in.

I've told her why I deleted her off social media to which she thanked me for being honest and said she understood. She said shes sorry for it all and it wasnt just me shes shut out. I explained I wanted to date slowly like the beginning, maybe I didnt word it as in to say dont talk to me at all unless thats what you want. But she does know what i actually want. Shes explained shes very stressed with work and shes busy, she was like this last year with College work and she was constantly going over the top to try and be the best at what she does..

So now shes small talking me in the morning on her way to work via text or phone (has the past 2 days). I dont know what kind of affect me deleting her had, I guess my main worry is if I ignore these random calls or whatever then she will be gone forever like nothings happened. As she has numerous things to focus on to keep busy, why would she think of me? This is why i feel like i need to tell her tomorrow or sometime for her to be clear that i dont want to be just friends. Obviously I wont do it tonight due to her freinds circumstances with her moms passing.

Not wishing anything on her birthday on saturday could send her a message that im serious i dont know. She knows im brilliant, she knows the benefits of having me so I dont know what to do.. send her a text to make it clear i dont want to be just friends or just leave it, not reply.

September 10, 2019

I dont know.... im hurt, confused, im everything with this situation...

Then you shouldn't be talking to her in this state of mind. You'll be operating from insecurity, pain, confusion..and overall weakness. This is another example of why you need put distance between you and her. You're vulnerable..and you're inexperienced in dealing with people like this. You're prioritizing her feelings over your own. In other words, you're not respecting yourself.

Shes always been very hard to read, and I know with certain things she shuts people out and keeps stuff in.

How does that make you feel when it happens?

I've told her why I deleted her off social media to which she thanked me for being honest and said she understood. She said shes sorry for it all and it wasnt just me shes shut out. I explained I wanted to date slowly like the beginning, maybe I didnt word it as in to say dont talk to me at all unless thats what you want. But she does know what i actually want. Shes explained shes very stressed with work and shes busy, she was like this last year with College work and she was constantly going over the top to try and be the best at what she does..

And how did you feel about it when she did it back then?

So now shes small talking me in the morning on her way to work via text or phone (has the past 2 days).

Interesting how available she's made herself now that you took her off of social media and attempted no contact. I wonder what happened to "being busy."

I guess my main worry is if I ignore these random calls or whatever then she will be gone forever like nothings happened. As she has numerous things to focus on to keep busy, why would she think of me?

Exactly. You're not actually facing your breakup right now. You're in denial about it. You say you're worried about losing her. I'd say you're worried that you won't be able to build a fulfilling future without her. In other words, you don't believe in yourself. So you find any reason to stay in connection to her because losing her means you won't matter.

This is why i feel like i need to tell her tomorrow or sometime for her to be clear that i dont want to be just friends. Obviously I wont do it tonight due to her freinds circumstances with her moms passing.

Not wishing anything on her birthday on saturday could send her a message that im serious i dont know. She knows im brilliant, she knows the benefits of having me so I dont know what to do.. send her a text to make it clear i dont want to be just friends or just leave it, not reply.

When we break up with someone, we go through a lot of different emotions. Amongst them, insecurity, anxiety, fear. They're all unpleasant. We'd rather run away from them and dive into a lie, than face the miserable truth. She is in essence, a narcotic that you've grown addicted to. You are an addict looking to get your fix and you deceive yourself in order to get it. By having a chat with her, you get to fulfill those needs.

September 10, 2019

Shes always been very hard to read, and I know with certain things she shuts people out and keeps stuff in. - Obviously with this im not a fan, and I have told her.. the most closest person to her and her best friend is her mother, its only her she tells everything.. and she recognises this and has said for now its only her that she wont shut out.

I've told her why I deleted her off social media to which she thanked me for being honest and said she understood. She said shes sorry for it all and it wasnt just me shes shut out. I explained I wanted to date slowly like the beginning, maybe I didnt word it as in to say dont talk to me at all unless thats what you want. But she does know what i actually want. Shes explained shes very stressed with work and shes busy, she was like this last year with College work and she was constantly going over the top to try and be the best at what she does..

When she was busy back then it was fine, I was understanding and as we didnt have any problems i left her to it and we just spoke on the phone before bed or something.. maybe texted a bit so I was fine with it all..

So now shes small talking me in the morning on her way to work via text or phone (has the past 2 days). - Its easy to talk on the way to work or a short text - but I get your point in how now shes doing it.. shes done it the past 2 days anyway so I dont know what I'll get tomorrow.. if anything.

I watched this video on youtube earlier.. what do you think?

I guess i dont know weather to just tell her look, im not being just friends with you.. or to just remain calm, take it as it comes, not always be available and play it cool and sometimes when she texts just respond with humour... i dont know whats the best way. I know all of you say ignore and go NC, thats the direction I think im heading into.

September 10, 2019

Talk means nothing much.

You told her but you're actions don't back it up.

So in essence you've accepted what she's giving.

She's already gone but you're affraid to let your fantasy (you created of her) go.

Until you stop playing yourself you'll stay where you are.

September 11, 2019

I think there are a couple of things that stand out to me here.

1. Her "Busy" -- just doesn't add up... shes not a single mom with multiple jobs, or taking care of ailing parent or other high-stress, extremely time consuming lifestyles --- Starting a new job or focussing on career in general is seldomly a genuine excuse to end a relationship. Sure, slow it down or put it on pause with "honey be patient while i focus on this .. i dont want to lose you" . .. but not an end.. unless you simply dont value it.

2. When you said shes busy because of her birthday, her Mom's season's ticket football game and vacation with Mom.. it was hard not to want to reach through computer and gently shake you:) --- These couldn't be less 'busy' activities when it comes to making time to see you before or after. Her Birthday?? .. we're busy on our birthday WITH the ones we love and care about.

3. The Ex --- I get you believe firmly she doesn't want to get back with him and likely she doesn't. However, i think shes thinking about him in some way... it seems you bringing up him being on her social media really struck a chord with her -- Unless she was just looking for an excuse to break it off. I still think its odd he was what set her off... At the very least, shes been thinking about him in a way that may have conflicted with how she felt about you.. Ie you were too nice, easy, in with the family.. and she longed for a little danger/drama of that '*******'.

I think you backing away IS the only way. Im a stubborn girl like her but you better believe that would drive me crazier /make me think of the man / respect him more than if hes always available when i call him. If she is attracted to you AT ALL .. you going dark will elicit the biggest reaction from her, period. WHat you're doing now is too nice.. too boring for a girl like her.

Finally -- -If you can, stop saying to her "like in the beginning" (relating to how you want it to be if you go back together) to her.. -- it just sounds so needy.. like you're begging her to listen to your sales pitch on 'how it will be' if she comes back. She knows if she came back (and that she can SO easily.. she knows you're waiting in the wings) that you'd accept any of her terms anyway.

Right now, anything you say doesn't hold much water to her.. your only course of action is ACTION... Disappearing cold.. I wouldn't even tell her why. Let her wonder/ figure it out / obsess..... No more Mr Nice guy/ worrying about 'upsetting' her... its not working for you.. your best bet *IS* upsetting her by disappearing from her life.

September 11, 2019

Thank you for your advice, i appreciate it.

Can you please word something for me to send her if she reaches out?

If i was to say something id expect her yo just be short and say ok no problem, all the best and then go cold.. or even just say ok lets end it because this is not going to work and i di t want anything right now.. because she is that stubborn...

At the moment she said her friends moms death has hit her hard. Thats because she loves her own mom so much and does everything with her, so the thought of losing her own mother has hit her hard.

September 11, 2019

Or like you said... just blank her and not reply and not wish her a happy birthday... nothing..

September 11, 2019

Or like you said... just blank her and not reply and not wish her a happy birthday... nothing..

This is exactly what you should do. Absolutely nothing. Walk away. Block and delete her number, then get on with your life. I guarantee you wont hear anything from her again.

September 11, 2019

You can't say you don't want to be friends and then act like a friend...

She dumped you, she rejected you, she doesn't get to play fast and loose with your feelings.

Cut her off. Go N/C.

If she wanted you in her life she wouldn't have dumped you.

If she does decide she wants you, then she will find you and make that very clear.

You are in a break up, so act like it, stop trying to act as if you are still in a relationship with her, you're not...

If you carry on this path, one day you are going get a text that says,

Her:"Went out last night with Mike, he's my new bf..."

You: WTF!!

or

Her:"Sorry but me and my ex are back together, thought you should know".

You: WHAT!!! I thought you hated him...

or

Her: "Going on holiday next week, Dave got us some cheap tickets..."

YOU: Who the hell is Dave?

September 11, 2019

I don't know how you can keep saying she's too busy with a straight face when she's spending so much time just with her mother

it's not like it's mandatory to go to football games and vacations with your mother. It sounds to me that she's got plenty of time but she'd rather spend it with her mother than with you so what does that tell you.

You're right. I'm starting to wonder if it really is HER MOTHER that she's making time for or someone else. It's odd that a young woman would rather spend time with her mother than a man she's interested in.

September 11, 2019

You're right. I'm starting to wonder if it really is HER MOTHER that she's making time for or someone else. It's odd that a young woman would rather spend time with her mother than a man she's interested in.

Yes but she is not interested in him, is she?

She dumped him.

People do not dump those they are interested in, in case they may lose them to someone else...

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