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when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

mrlee123

By mrlee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

I would figure this thing out with your ex and be done with it before getting too involved with anyone else. Adding more responsibility to a situation that's already jammed with yours and your ex's feelings is going to complicate things for yourself. You're fresh out of a breakup. You haven't let go of your hope. You're still not done with your ex and she is still in the picture. You haven't felt the full weight of what it's like to be cut off by her or what it's like to cut her off..yet. You have to be months into the silence, to understand the kinds of things you will experience. You don't want to be experiencing those things while you're with another woman. If that other woman is looking for a longterm relationship which I assume she is, then she's expecting forward momentum..even if she and you agreed to take it slow. If she feels like things are not progressing with you, she's going to move on to someone who's willing to give her what she wants, and you're going to get cut. You cool with that and have you thought about whether you're ready to give that her that kind of commitment, while you're sorting this mess out with your ex?

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Yeah, i need my ex to know that im not gonna wait around a long time though.. and she cant dip in and out when she wants and she needs to communicate more with me... i need to somehow get that point across without repeating myself and being negative.

 

How would i approach that on sunday? Do i just act all chilled and not pay attention for a while... or just ojt her straight again and say its either work with me or i dissappear forever.

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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You just found out your x isn’t irreplaceable.

 

There is no one and only, soulmate. There are many who could fit that bill.

 

Under your circumstances if leg the x go whether the other girl works out or not

 

Reality and clarity are good things

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Yeah, i need my ex to know that im not gonna wait around a long time though.. and she cant dip in and out when she wants and she needs to communicate more with me... i need to somehow get that point across without repeating myself and being negative.

 

How would i approach that on sunday? Do i just act all chilled and not pay attention for a while... or just ojt her straight again and say its either work with me or i dissappear forever.

 

If you truly are ready to send this message (and I doubt you are), cancel plans totally with your ex and tell her you met someone new and want to go out with her and see if anything develops with her.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Here's my take about this entire situation and this thread. I hope you read it and I hope it finds you well.

 

Everyone originally told you to go NC and let her figure her feelings out. You didn't want to do that and you didn't do it and after omitting certain details, you eventually confessed to it. So now, your ex is using you to help her figure out whether she wants to be with you or not and she gets this privilege because you didn't cut her off. Correct?

 

So given all that, I will analyze your situation and give you another solution.

 

She wants time to figure things out. If you notice, it's the same thing she requested before which was a "friendship" with you. She's just selling it t you in a different way because you rejected the original approach. There are still no boundaries, still no answers, still no promises and this is still a giant playground for her to do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants it.

 

The dilemma you're in is you want a relationship without all this bullsh*t but if you give her an ultimatum, you're just putting pressure on a girl who wants to take it slow, which defeats the purpose of her request, setting you up for immediate, guaranteed failure. This is how she's trapped you into doing what she wants.

 

There is an impasse here, and you will have to compromise to get passed it.

 

To preserve your sanity, you need to respect yourself. To respect yourself, you need to give yourself a deadline on how long you'll be willing to drive down this this directionless, answer-less road. I mention a grace period where you chill out and watch what she does with the time and space and emotional generosity you're giving her because through your own eyes, you'll see whether she uses that time to sort her head out or whether she uses it mess with you some more. You should give her more time than you would be okay giving her because it'll give you the resolve you need to leave if nothing happens. The kind of time I'm talking about is 2-3 months of grace. Either it might work out if you're lucky..or she might leave or you might leave...or nothing happens and this still is up in the air.

One way or another, you get your answers..but after your grace period is done, you walk away from this and you don't look back again. No 3rd chances.

 

..if you don't want to cut her off because you want to see if there is a chance, then you have to be willing take some emotional damage to see what happens. There are no guarantees that you will get the result you want. If you don't want to do that, then stop and cut this off.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Thank you for that beach, she already knows i dont want to be friends and she has asked for me to give her time.

 

Shes said shes not rushing and taking the chilled approach and yes i agree with you i should not keep stating down terms and saying that i want a relationship.

 

2 months sounds long but i guess in that timeframe i will see what happens. Shes making an hour drive tomorrow to see me so i guess shes making effort in that sense. After those 2 months if i get no clear direction of where this is going i will tell her... because i will need something from her.

 

Il have to see if we keep meeting i guess...

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Should i tell her at some point tomorrow.. you have until just before xmas to give me a direction in where this is going... otherwise im gone forever.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Should i tell her at some point tomorrow.. you have until just before xmas to give me a direction in where this is going... otherwise im gone forever.

 

Well, you know you don't mean that, so......

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balletomane Established Member

balletomane

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MrLee, what you're doing now (agreeing to meet with her socially) is friendship. You aren't in a relationship with her. You aren't even casually dating. You have just agreed to hang out with her. What is that if not being a friend? You're telling her one thing in words, but your actions are saying the opposite.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Should i tell her at some point tomorrow.. you have until just before xmas to give me a direction in where this is going... otherwise im gone forever.

 

No. Vocalizing that is giving her an ultimatum which puts a deadline on a girl who just told you she wants to take it slow. That deadline is for you and for you only which you keep in your head. Do not explain anything to her. She needs to feel like she's free to figure it out. If 3 months pass by and there's still no decision, then you say goodbye and you walk away. I would have cut this off by now but since you want to try it out with her again, then go at it 100% and properly.

Edited by Beachead
Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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Should i tell her at some point tomorrow.. you have until just before xmas to give me a direction in where this is going... otherwise im gone forever.

 

 

Absolutely NOT. Do not mention a thing about the relationship when she comes over. You know what you do? You have a good time then you take her to bed. Then, when she's leaving, you tell her you enjoyed the time and then you leave the ball in her court. You ghost her until she contacts you. When she does, you keep things short and to the point, which is nothing more than firming up a next meeting. Somehow I think you're going to blow this whole thing mrlee. You're way too emotionally invested in this gal. She dumped you.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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You have no real chance of a successful relationship with a different woman as long as this one is anywhere in your life.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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So she came to mine yesterday, like 10 min after arriving we had sex ?? it was passionate... we went for food, watched a movie at mine and relaxed and it was great. We had fun... she told me thank you for everything and that she enjoyed it. She did not stay over..

 

Shes going on holiday with her mom tomorrow.. so i wont see her for a couple weeks now. I didnt bring up the past or anything like that with her. I guess my challenge now is the communication part, need to learn how to just tone it down and stay to the point. Arrange to meet up but i do want to know which direction this will go in at some point. I guess asking before xmas will be fine..

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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I think by a certain point im gonna adapt the f*ck it approach and not care what anyone thinks and if i dont feel her making an effort etc.. then i will ask where she sees us going because if theres no direction im done.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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There is/was no forward direction and you were/are not done...

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fromheart Established Member

fromheart

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So your FWB. THat's what she wants. Is that what you want?

 

Sorry to break this to you, but there'll probably be other men when she's on holiday.

 

Make sure this situation is mutual, or you will be reduced to the role of a plastic, disposable dil'o.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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What's happening with the new girl?

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Shes still in the picture...

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Shes still in the picture...

 

She's not going to stay in the picture when she finds out you are boffing your EX.

 

At some point fairness dictates you make a choice.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Shes still in the picture...

Tell her.

It is not fair to build up her hopes when you just had sex with your ex and are desperate to get her back...

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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I think by a certain point im gonna adapt the f*ck it approach and not care what anyone thinks and if i dont feel her making an effort etc.. then i will ask where she sees us going because if theres no direction im done.

 

You feel this way right now because you think you have her. When she starts to drift again, this self-assured feeling that you're in control will quickly dissipate.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Posted (edited)
I think by a certain point im gonna adapt the f*ck it approach and not care what anyone thinks and if i dont feel her making an effort etc.. then i will ask where she sees us going because if theres no direction im done.

 

Well..thing is you just finished having a great time with her yesterday and you have another girl you're keeping on the backburner. So for the moment, your confidence is high, your anxiety is low, everything appears great..and you're riding that high right now.

 

You haven't yet experienced a real silence from your ex yet. Up until now, she's been available despite breaking up. It's a whole other story knowing you'll never hear from her again because every available line of communication she could use to contact you has been severed. Add that to not having another girl to bounce to, after the breakup, and what you have is unforeseen pain and anxiety that comes as you progress through NC that you haven't experienced yet. You don't have any idea what you're in store for yet, hence you have no idea how you'll react to it or deal with it.

 

Because of that, you're liable to be emotionally sporadic until you do go through this and actually get through it. For that reason is why I strongly advise you not to mess with this other girl. You're just going to drag her into your emotional baggage. I'd tell her the truth and let her go, so that atleast she has a choice in decided what she wants to do. Not to mention this is respectful which shows you care about her and if she sees that in you, it means she's a good catch, and if things don't end up working out with your ex, she may just let you have a second chance, if she's still available. Having said that, should you choose to do this, don't expect a reward for good behaviour. The right thing to do usually isn't easy to do, and most often than not goes unrewarded. Although you might lose her, you salvage your integrity and you will sleep well at night knowing you didn't screw with another person..that is if such things are important to you.

 

Or..you can do what most people do out in the world..take the easy road and juggle both. It would be the smart play if all you care about is being in a relationship, since this gives you a better chance of landing in one, whether it's with your ex or with this other woman. I wouldn't do this though.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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You feel this way right now because you think you have her. When she starts to drift again, this self-assured feeling that you're in control will quickly dissipate.

 

All of this.

 

Brace for the spiral back down, OP.

fromheart Established Member

fromheart

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All of this.

 

Brace for the spiral back down, OP.

 

And then he'll be back on her again, receive the same advice but still do things his own way.

 

Your getting good advice OP, but you refuse to apply it.

  • 3 weeks later...
preraph Established Member

preraph

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Posted

So is she back from vacation yet? It's been over two weeks.

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