when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[mrlee123]

We were going to get a hotel due to us going to this place for the day.. but the weathers crap so we aint going. Now shes coming to my house for the day.. im not dure she will stay over, she doesnt know either as she doesnt k ow if shes ready and said she will decide on the day. She doesnt wanna feel pressured... so wel see how it goes. Il let you all know.

[d0nnivain]

Talking at your house seems like a better more fiscally responsible plan.

 

Prepare yourself for her not staying over.

[preraph]

Well, she certainly doesn't sound excited about the prospect. Doesn't that bother you? Doesn't she have any girlfriends to talk to? Why is she so desperate to keep you listening to her that she might be willing to have sex when she clearly does not want to? Is she just codependent?

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

She doesnt wanna feel pressured...

 

If she's in this state of mind, a face to face in the silence of your house may make her more nervous and feel more pressure. It might direct the conversation to topics that probably should be avoided..initially atleast. You want to lighten the mood and soften her up and then bring her to an environment like this when she's more relaxed.

 

I'd keep the outing short and sweet. 2 hours together tops. Make up a story about how you have something to do in the morning and stick by it, to show her you got other things going on and she's being squeezed in. This will make her feel like you're not putting too much emphasis on this outing which may take the pressure off. Don't push for sex. Don't even push for a kiss. Expect nothing. Just make the most of those 2 hours and try to have fun.

 

I suggest an activity like mini-golf, bowling, archery, axe throwing etc. Also, bars are starting to bring back arcades so if you both enjoy something like that, give it a go. Doing something fun and active that'll get the two of you talking about something neutral will act as a buffer for any awkward silences that come up during conversation or any awkward feelings she may feel..and that might take the pressure off/ After that, you two can grab some take out and head back to your place and eat and just enjoy the remaining amount of time you have together.

 

Once your 2 hour mark is up, shut the night down. See how she reacts at the end of the night, make a note of it, an then see what she does in the coming days. If this sounds like how you would approach a first a date..you're right. That's how I'd approach your situation...as of you two are starting anew.

 

- Beach

Edited October 22, 2019 by Beachead

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

she knows im not taking any crap anymore.

 

Really? Does she really know that? Because you don't even seem to know that.

[preraph]

Taking it slow to me is just putting off the inevitable. I think the last couple of months has been slow enough. Now we're just waiting to see if she's so desperate to be able to just talk to him that she will sleep with him for the privilege. She might. Once.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP. I see disaster written all over this.

 

My strong sense is that she's a bit bored and lonely, and she'll pull way back again once she gets that itch scratched by you. I don't think she's coming back for the reasons you're hoping.

[schlumpy]

Mr. Lee,

 

Is this a normal relationship for you? Is what you experiencing now similar to what you had with other women?

[d0nnivain]

mrlee

 

Do you have a game plan here? I suggest that when she comes over you welcome her into your home with a beverage & a snack. Once consumed or rejected, suggest a walk / hike. You need to build some activity in here to minimize the awkwardness.

 

You are going to have steer this discussion & admit some vulnerability without being clingy.

 

In your shoes, even as the woman, I would open with Qs about her new job. Allegedly her inability to balance that job plus a relationship started all this so ask how she plans to balance both now. Ask her what she thinks the future of your relationship looks like & what her time table is. Ask about the potential to date others -- you need to know what she's thinking on this score. If she's not fully with you & only you, don't even bother trying to repair this.

 

I suspect she's open to this discussion because she's lonely & it's easy to come back to reliable old you. She's not here because she genuinely wants to reconcile. This relationship has been broken & it's unlikely that it will ever be a strong as it once was.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Key thing to remember here is she originally wanted to "friends" so that she could do what she wanted, when she wanted, how she wanted so that SHE could figure out what SHE wanted from you, while keeping you around at her convenience. You didn't let her do that so she compromised a bit because your presence is still important to her. What her intentions are..I don't know but I am almost positive, she will attempt to steer this situation towards that place again, simply because of the pressure she feels. You need to know what you want, what she wants and what the status of your relationship is, without putting too much "pressure" on a girl who is feeling pressure...and that is going to be a difficult job.

 

If she's feeling the way she does, then talking about this stuff too soon, may chase her away. So it may be necessary for you to stay off of the topic for awhile and give her and yourself 2-3 month grace period. This means, you'll have to compromise and give her what she wants for the short-term. That means, no boundaries. No rules. Risky stuff man. I mean trying to not make her feel pressure and taking this slow puts you exactly where you been trying to avoid ending up, with her. I advise seeing what she does with this time you've given her.

At some point, you're going to find out where this is going but for now I think you should just concentrate on enjoying the night. Softening things up. keeping it short and sweet.

 

This is the way I would approach it.

 

- Beach

Edited October 23, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

I would not bring up anything relationship at all. Again, I would treat this as a meetup for sex and nothing else. If she balks, send her packing.

[mrlee123]

Agree with your comments so thank you

 

She has said right now she wants to take it slow, build soething and develop into something over time without labeling and pressurizing it. She wants to enjoy and have fun with me. She said today she doesnt feel pressured by me, she knows im not gonna be just a friend and has asked me to be patient with her.

 

Last weekend she was all chatty, said she missed me, was sorry for everything and thanked me for talking to her. Said she missed a lot about me and facetimed me and i cheered her up as she was down. Said a lot of things have affected her. Since she went back to work on monday shes gone distant again, barely talks over whatsapp etc or reads a message and doesnt reply. So im staying quiet.

 

Yes i had a game plan, if she comes over i was going to have some snacks ready, then we agreed we would go to the hotel near me as they hace a nice sauna, hot tub and bar which does nice food. We were going to go there and back to my house for a chill. I would talk about her job etc... but now im not sure she will come over due tk the lack of communication etc but that might just be me overthinking. I feel meeting would reignite something... she goes on holiday with her mom o n tuesday so maybe that will clear her head i dont know. Right now shes just short and small talk...

 

She did day today that yesterday she was busy and that she doesnt pay attention to her phone as much anymore. I dont know.. this all seems hard work to me, its like.shes bi polar!! If we dont meet sunday then i will tell her to not bother again and go see someone.. im fed up of this hot and cold attitude.

[elaine567]

Hot plus cold = lukewarm .

Luke-warm is never good.

[Highndry]

You're way too available. I would have told her I'd talk to her when we meet up, and wouldn't even respond until then.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

she knows im not gonna be just a friend.

 

We all beg to differ. She knows 100% you will settle for just being a friend. You've proven that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You're way too available. I would have told her I'd talk to her when we meet up, and wouldn't even respond until then.

 

Yes. Waaaaayyyyy too available. Your words to us here don't match your actions with her at all.

[mrlee123]

Noted, il make myself less available and see what happens.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Noted, il make myself less available and see what happens.

 

No you won't. You're too afraid of pushing her away.

[mrlee123]

Have some faith in me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, mr.lee.

 

I wish I could say something more positive about her recent interactions with you and this ill-advised plan to hang out.

 

But her words and behaviour all strongly suggest that she is lining you up as her filler until she meets a guy she wants to date seriously. No pressure, no labels, blah, blah, blah - she's intending on keeping her options open while she has you around for company. You are going to think you two are building something, while she is just biding her time until a new prospect shows up on her radar.

 

I don't think this is going to end well for you at all, and you will get your heart broken all over again.

[mrlee123]

Right, im gonna tell you something now.. you will all think im crazy and that ive dine something i shouldnt have but oh well.. you all give good advice and d its nice to talk you all.

 

So in the past month i met this other girl, think i mentioned it somewhere on here. Shes better looking than my ex, laid back, no drama, likes me for me, talks to me at any time and nothings forced, compromises, hell shes even cooked for me and paid for a meal. So weve been seeing eachother now.... its going well, i like her. Shes a bit quieter than my ex personality wise, but shes easy going. The only thing that plays on my mind with her is that she has a 2 year old kid, the dad doesnt do anything with her kid.. and ive expressed this to her and she told me theres no pressure, as meeting her kid is a long way off and will happen when i feel ready. She gets a lot of help from her family too that look after her kid twice a week therefore she can easily make arrangements with me. Shes stayed at mine a couple times and its been great... this is why ive not given my ex much attention the past few weeks.

 

Neither of them know whats going on with me... after all i never thought id meet up with my ex again. But with this new girl thats the only hurdle for me thinking long term... how can i adapt to her having a kid... but its a long way off.

 

My ex.. for me all this crap has stressed me out. And eapecially how shes unpredictable.. she was never like this before. So my plan was to just play it cool and see how it goes and pans out. This new girl we aint in a relationship, we both agreed to take it slow and see how it goes and just enjoy our time together before getting into something properly.

 

My ex, yes i miss her or how she was and i miss her family. Call me a bad person or whatever... but just felt like telling you all whats really going on..

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You're not a bad person at all. I'm glad to hear that!!

[balletomane]

You are behaving in exactly the way you perceive your ex as behaving. You've said that you think she's confused, inconsistent, "bipolar" - and yet your own behaviour has been equally erratic, if not more so. You told her that you wanted a relationship, but then said you were willing to just have fun/NSA. You told her you couldn't just be friends, but then told her to count on you for support in tough times. You got upset to see her on Tinder after she had broken up with you and ranted about how karma would get her, but you yourself have been sleeping with another woman whilst posting on here about how to get back with your ex. You've consistently done the opposite of everything you initially said you were going to do. Given your habit of leaving out key info and context (for example, not telling us at first that you were the one to ask your ex about Tinder, and making it sound as if she'd approached you to talk about it), I'm wondering how accurate your portrayal of your ex's behaviour is. I'm starting to think you might be projecting your inconsistent erratic behaviour onto her.

 

Although you say you haven't been giving her much attention over the past two weeks, your descriptions of your behaviour say otherwise. If this is how you carry on when you think you're not giving her much attention, it's no surprise if she was feeling smothered in the relationship itself.

 

You need to stop fixating on your ex's actions, take a look at your own, and decide what you really want. Once you know that, you can consider whether what you want is reasonable/viable, and the best way to go about realising it. At the moment you don't seem to have any sense of purpose or direction, and that is what will save you from further hurt.

[Highndry]

I think it's great news, mrlee, and I wonder why you would even want to entertain the idea of seeing the ex again. You know what I would do? I'd tell the ex that you have met somebody new and would like to explore the possibilities with her, so you won't be meeting and "good luck."

[mrlee123]

She said to me today shes coming on sunday.. shes taking the chilled approach as she doesnt wanna rush into anything.

 

I dont think me stating terms over and over will do any good though as it creates negativity. I need to go there have fun and just act like im chilled i think.