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when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

mrlee123

By mrlee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Neither one of you is crazy. It's probably best to get out of the habit of referring to your ex as "crazy." Going forward, such references about an ex to new potential romantic partners will likely raise a red flag about you.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Maybe im not the crazy one afyer all... lol

 

I don't think anyone has called you crazy.

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

I'm happy for you man but this girl has shown she is capable of abandoning you when life gets a stressful. Life will get stressful again..for her, for you. What is she going to do then? She's not very communicative about her problems..she avoids discussion and leaves you alone to figure it out on your own. I know that because you had to jump on here and talk to a bunch of strangers to figure it out. It's good she owned up to her mistakes but bare in mind, behavioural habits are deeply rooted and takes effort and time to change. Both of you will have to actively work on the behaviours that naturally annoyed eachother and caused the breakup. Otherwise, you two will be on your way to a second breakup.

Edited by Beachead
Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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It's time for her to put up or shut up. If I were you, mrlee, I'd only consider a dinner at your place followed by a romp in the hay. Anything short of that, and you're being played.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Yeah im worried she will do this again.. i think she is as well.. as she doesnt understand her own mind.. which she has actually said... see what happens i guess

Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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Im still undecided really.. she knows how she made me feel and ive told her i dont wanna be friends. To be honest im wary of starting it again in case this happens all over again....

 

I don't think you are undecided. From everything you have posted, it's obvious you are going to meet her.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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And from your posts on here its like you never believe what i say? I said i believed she was messed up with a lot going on.. you said shes not and was never going to want to try again or have anything for me... based on what she told me last night your assumptions were wrong.. but thats ok, youre speaking from maybe other experiences. End of the day i know her... i know how she thinks at times which is why i always thought she was making rash decisions... which she admitted to doing.

 

I dont know if i will meet her yet, if i do she has to know clearly that she WANTS to meet me and that she cannot mess me around again. I will see what happens..

Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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And from your posts on here its like you never believe what i say? End of the day i know her... i know how she thinks at times which is why i always thought she was making rash decisions... which she admitted to doing.

 

I dont know if i will meet her yet, if i do she has to know clearly that she WANTS to meet me and that she cannot mess me around again. I will see what happens..

 

I'll be honest, you're right, i don't believe what you say because you have done many things that you said you wouldn't do. You said you wouldn't talk to her again and you have. You said you wouldn't respond to her messages and you did. I comment here on what i pick up from your comments. I get the impression that you like her reaching out you, that you are secretly elated that she wants to meet you but you're playing it cool for the moment. We all know that you will actually meet her, and so do you.

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

Yeah im worried she will do this again.. i think she is as well.. as she doesnt understand her own mind.. which she has actually said... see what happens i guess

 

That's the thing. All this time you've been focused on her coming back but you didn't think too much about that worry or doubt you'd feel if she did come back. She did ultimately damage your trust and that does have implications, because now you don't trust her loyalty. That means you'll be second guessing the things she says or does because you're insecure about the relationship. Insecurity can lead to smothering which will lead to her feeling trapped and consequently irritated..and then..fights. Add that to the pre-existing problems you two must have had that lead to the breakup..and it's that not hard to see that the both of you will have to put some conscious work into this.

 

In any case, you'll know what's up with her when you see the way she'll treat you when life gets tough and stressful again. Hopefully when that time comes, she proves she's serious about this.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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She wants you in her life, but I'm still not hearing her say she wants you as her boyfriend. You say she knows you don't just want to be friends, but that hasn't stopped her in the past from carrying on with just wanting to be friends. I say try to have sex with her and see if she's serious or just still trying to be just friends. Asap.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Hey guys... so were meeting on sunday, staying over in a hotel together and doing stuff. She says she misses me, feels weird when she doesnt talk to me and that ive cheered her up lately. Also said how she wants to take things slow and have fun together.

 

Ive laid down all my points... she knows how shes been. Im still angry though, not sure how thats going to go away anytime soon... just going to ride with it and see how it goes.

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

Alright man. Be careful. I don't think she's genuine tbh. I think she ended it with you for a reason but you backing off, threw her off, and triggered separation anxiety in her and now she's currently operating from that anxious state. 1 month apart isn't usually enough time to work on any problems that led to the breakup which means it's likely, whatever turned her off before, is still there. I think once she gets her fill of you, she's going to burn you.

 

I seriously hope to be wrong and hope you come back with a success story though.

 

Make sure you stand by your terms, talk about things that need to be talked about and don't let her stonewall you like she did before.

 

Goodluck.

Edited by Beachead
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Hey guys... so were meeting on sunday, staying over in a hotel together and doing stuff. She says she misses me, feels weird when she doesnt talk to me and that ive cheered her up lately. Also said how she wants to take things slow and have fun together.

 

Meeting in a hotel to "do stuff" is not taking things slow. This may be a booty call but she's still giving you breadcrumbs & mixed messages. I don't see meaningful reconciliation here because this woman is well aware that she has you by the short hairs. You are thinking with the wrong head.

 

I think this is going to be a waste of your time & money. Who's paying for the hotel? If she's not coughing up money for this, she's using you.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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I believe it was Jerry Seinfeld who said breaking up is like tipping over a Coke machine. You don't do it in one motion; you have to rock it back and forth a few times.

 

I agree with beachead that she panicked when she felt she was losing you, but that isn't the same as reconvening because the issues that led to the breakup have been resolved. Do not be surprised if in a few weeks she gets more distant again.

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Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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Meeting in a hotel to "do stuff" is not taking things slow. This may be a booty call but she's still giving you breadcrumbs & mixed messages. I don't see meaningful reconciliation here because this woman is well aware that she has you by the short hairs. You are thinking with the wrong head.

 

I think this is going to be a waste of your time & money. Who's paying for the hotel? If she's not coughing up money for this, she's using you.

 

 

I disagree. A meetup for sex is going to work in his favor as long as he doesn't get all needy. He needs to treat this as a single date with sex, not a relationship, then go dark after and let her come to him. Women don't do the FWB thing as well as men. They just don't. They catch feelings way more than we do.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Women don't do the FWB thing as well as men. They just don't. They catch feelings way more than we do.

 

But he already has feelings, so he is not the typical unaffected guy in a FWB arrangement, he is in deep...

Also this girl dumped him, she may be able to treat this as a simple date with sex, a lot easier than he can.

This could be the typical "make a fwb out of the ex", which is never a good idea for the one with the feelings...

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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A meetup for sex is going to work in his favor as long as he doesn't get all needy.

 

Eh, if it were that simple, far more pining exes would have their former flames back.

 

It is possible for women to have sex with an ex and not want to reconcile. Regardless of his perceived "neediness" or lack thereof. I wouldn't bank on this one wanting to come back afterwards, OP.

 

Be careful not to get your expectations too high.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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If she stays over that is..i dont know if she will yet.. wel see and ill let you all know how it goes.

 

She wants to take it slow and develop something.. she knows im not taking any crap anymore. She said shes nervous to meet me so wel see what happens.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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What proof is there that you're not taking "any crap" anymore other than you saying it?

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Just curious... if shes hesitant to stay over with me as she wants to take it slow... how do i approach that?

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

I'll tell you how to approach that..you do what you think is best in that moment and make the best decisions you can make given what information is available to you. I could give you pointers but honestly, if you can't carry out a relationship without worrying about how she might react to what you say or do because you're afraid of doing the wrong thing..then you're not being yourself around her AND she's going to pick up on your fear and insecurity because you will project it. You want to know that this girl likes you for who you are.

 

I know it sounds cliche and seemingly non-helpful to you but...be yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I disagree. A meetup for sex is going to work in his favor as long as he doesn't get all needy. He needs to treat this as a single date with sex, not a relationship, then go dark after and let her come to him. Women don't do the FWB thing as well as men. They just don't. They catch feelings way more than we do.

 

Some women can do FWB. I do agree with you that men can more easily distance themselves emotionally. There is something about taking another person inside your body that fosters a connection.

 

That said I have very real doubts that mrlee123 can remain detached. He sees this as the 1st step to reconciliation & he's gonna chase her, to his detriment.

 

She wants to take it slow and develop something.. she knows im not taking any crap anymore. She said shes nervous to meet me so wel see what happens.

 

Ha. Let me translate for you. Because you agreed to finance this cockamamie plan you are already taking crap from her. She has you wrapped around her finger. This "slow" business is her boosting her own ego, knowing she can make you dance to her tune. She enjoys the fact that you are still pining for her but she doesn't want you back because she no longer sees you as a strong confident man; rather you are being the proverbial doormat & she's walking all over you.

 

Just curious... if shes hesitant to stay over with me as she wants to take it slow... how do i approach that?

 

I wouldn't have agreed to this in the first place. You are either 1). back together; or 2). she's DTF & you two will enjoy this hotel room on a FWB basis or 3). you should cancel the whole thing & stay home. Seriously you will have more fun with your right hand. This is going to destroy you when she keeps pulling your chain.

 

I just see so much hope & longing in you but I fear that she's playing games. Please be careful.

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@Donnivain

 

Ha. Let me translate for you. Because you agreed to finance this cockamamie plan you are already taking crap from her.

 

Has he mentioned that he's solely financing this hotel? I don't recall him saying.

Edited by Beachead
preraph Established Member

preraph

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Why is there even a hotel room to begin with? Why can't you just go to her place or she come to yours? What is going on? Next are you going to tell us you both still live with your parents?

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Has he mentioned that he's solely financing this hotel? I don't recall him saying.

 

He didn't say she was paying for it. He did say he didn't know if she was staying over but I got the sense he was so . . . .

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