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when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

mrlee123

By mrlee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

Something the both of you need to get out of you vocabulary is "friends" and "Friendship". There isn't any of that in what you two have right now.

 

You want her. You have feelings and your feelings corrupt your actions and make you biased. You are currently doing things with an outcome in mind and you're heavily invested in that outcome; if you talk to her, if you're there for her, if you spend time with her, then she will realize she made a mistake and love you again.

 

You are not her friend. Friends don't have ulterior motives.

 

On her side, she doesn't want you. She knows she is ultimately going to date and it can lead to more. She knows, all this talk with you is bad for both of you. She knows you want her and she's always going to be on her toes, second guessing what she says to you and what she does with you because she doesn't want to hurt you. She will never be herself for fear of leading you on as a result. She doesn't want to accept this right now because it's hard and that conflict in her mind is why she makes no sense to you and says stupid things like the following:

 

Im just finding it unreal how she changed like this and went from saying one thing to another and confusing me and hurting me. She said the other day she wanted no strings, today she told me she doesnt... and just wants to be friends. She would consider seeing me but only as friends,

 

She is not YOUR friend. You two are not friends. Friendship is not possible right now. In the distant future, yes. But now? No.

 

All these conversations post-breakup should never have happened, but it gives you an excuse to stay connected with her, despite it being horrible for you. It's like a drug addict who can't stop heroin or coke. Stopping gives them withdrawal symptoms. Getting a quick fix, takes it all away. Short-term relief, long-term suffering.

Edited by Beachead
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preraph Established Member

preraph

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^ Yeah. For God's sake, don't ever do drugs, because you have an addictive personality.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Yeah well these past 2 days shes took a more aggressive approach.. like she doesnt Care or has any reason to talk.. which i get. This is why i am confident in not hearing from her again now... especially after how she was yesterday. She wants to see other guys.. (eventually) and not me.

 

I did treat her right and got her to do new things... maybe one day she will think about all of this and ill have moved on. For me the main things i miss was her personality, how she was so confident and funny around new people and she always helped me. Obviously the sex was amazing lol and i miss her family as all of them were good to me as well. I guess this is a learning curve..

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Every single post, you put something in there that maybe someday she'll realize how great you were and want you back. It's a fantasy. I'm sure she appreciates what she liked about you already, but it wasn't enough for her. Hopefully it will be enough for some other person, though.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Maybe it is a fantasy, maybe its not... impossible to tell how she may feel in future.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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So after weeks of being broken up with, told she doesn't see you any way besides a friend (not attracted enough to have sex with you) and going on Tinder, you're all ready to just go back to the way it was if someone could wave a wand and make her attracted to you again?

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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This is why i am confident in not hearing from her again now.

 

How many more times are you going to say something like this?

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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This is why i am confident in not hearing from her again now.

 

Why do you keep repeating this?

 

As I said before a couple pages ago, you say this in nearly every single post you make. I am curious what the reason is behind this pseudo-mantra .

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Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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Maybe it is a fantasy, maybe its not... impossible to tell how she may feel in future.

 

 

You keep repeating this over and over again. You're in denial.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Why do you keep repeating this?

 

As I said before a couple pages ago, you say this in nearly every single post you make. I am curious what the reason is behind this pseudo-mantra .

 

The vibe it gives off is that of a "reverse jinx," in that by saying it, the opposite will happen.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@ExpatinItaly

 

I'd agree with Blanco. The OP is subconsciously attempting to jinx the outcome he doesn't want by repetitively stating its likelihood. This way, what he hopes to happen may happen. It's a coping strategy.

 

All in all, he wants people to tell him exactly what he wants to hear and exactly he's hoping for. If anyone tells him otherwise, either they don't know what they're talking about or they don't know for sure. And when she dumped him, he took her to be confused. But everything else she told him; all her explanations and how she won't date for awhile, he took as gospel. Conveniently, the one thing she tells him that he doesn't like she must be confused about.

 

So, it's all been twisted around to fit his narrative because he's not ready to face her departure from his life. Can't help someone who's not ready for it.

He's going to have to learn the hard way.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Great assessment, Beachead. You are wise.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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The vibe it gives off is that of a "reverse jinx," in that by saying it, the opposite will happen.

 

Yes, I realize this. I was hoping to hear mr. lee's take on it, from his own perspective.

Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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Maybe it is a fantasy, maybe its not... impossible to tell how she may feel in future.

 

This screams that you have hoping she will reconsider and get back with you. Guess what? She won't so its not impossible impossible to tell how she'll feel. She's pretty straight about how she feels so obviously that is definitely not going to change..

Maggiemay1 Established Member

Maggiemay1

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Maybe it is a fantasy, maybe its not... impossible to tell how she may feel in future.

 

HER future of which you will not be a part of.

 

You keep saying maybe she will realise how great I am etc etc etc

 

She already realises this! And has realised that you are not the guy for her.

The realisation she came to is in the past already NOT the future.

 

Have you blocked her yet???

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Latest is that she says shes having s tough time at work hence why shes kept herself to herself and wants to meet me as friends sometime... and asked me not to hassle for more... even tho i havent

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Latest is that she says shes having s tough time at work hence why shes kept herself to herself and wants to meet me as friends sometime... and asked me not to hassle for more... even tho i havent

 

Well, it's obviously entirely up to you if you want to do that. You told her you weren't interested in being just friends. Has that changed?

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Nope its not changed and it wont which is why i wont meet her as friends... she will have to ask me anyway, as she will never know when im near her for work...

 

Why randomly text me this at 11pm? Havent heard fro. Her since last friday.... i guess she may be bored or have an element of guilt... why would she even want to meet me as friends?

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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why would she even want to meet me as friends?

 

To make herself feel better for breaking your heart.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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For her own selfish purposes -- because you're someone who will read her texts at 11 at night, for one. She wants you to be her girlfriend.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

Nope its not changed and it wont which is why i wont meet her as friends... she will have to ask me anyway, as she will never know when im near her for work...

 

Why randomly text me this at 11pm? Havent heard fro. Her since last friday.... i guess she may be bored or have an element of guilt... why would she even want to meet me as friends?

 

To soothe her guilt. To keep you around because she's scared to be alone. To keep you on the backburner as a safety net, while she finds someone else. But more importantly, because you basically told her to. You told her it was cool to have a no-strings deal with you. Told her to count on you when she has problems. So here she is, contacting you because you've told her to. In doing so, you've shown her she could dump you and still have you in her life. She doesn't care about you but worse, you don't care about you.

 

She messages, you receive it, it affects you, you analyze and dissect it and you suffer. She has your heart and mind held hostage and you're the one who gave her the power to do it. So the "why" has been addressed many times, you just don't want to hear it because it hurts you. Being irresponsible with your heart is going to burn you in the end. Not us. Not her. You.

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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You're going to drive yourself insane trying to dissect every little thing she does or says. You're not far enough removed from this emotionally to not project what you want from this on to her words and actions. Her reaching out last night is a good example.

 

Because you want her back, you want her getting a hold of you last night to be some sort of sign that she's reconsidering. She's not. Trust me.

 

You really, really, really need to cut ties with this woman. You have a long healing process ahead of you, but I assure you that leaving the door wide open for her to pop up whenever she feels like it is only going to lengthen that process, if not extend it indefinitely.

assertives Established Member

assertives

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Latest is that she says shes having s tough time at work hence why shes kept herself to herself and wants to meet me as friends sometime... and asked me not to hassle for more... even tho i havent

 

You have been though. Maybe not in the way you thought but you certainly did.

 

I emailed her as i didnt have her number to ask why she lied to me as i saw she was on there....

 

the next morning she took a more aggressive approach, by saying she doesnt have to answer to anyone. I then said that her being on tinder shows to me that she lied last week and that she wants to see other guys... I then asked her to be honest and explain why she went on it....

 

You were questioning her and holding her "accountable" to her actions and decisions as if you were someone she's committed to in a relationship. She's not answerable to you.

 

I then replied by saying well if its fun you want then message me and]we can see where it leads but you need to think of the support ive given you and what ive said i will do for you instead of making rash decisions..

 

Not only that, you have also guilt-tripped her and dismissed/minimised her feelings wrt not wanting to continue in a relationship with you by chalking it up to her not knowing better and is just making a rash decision.

 

Why randomly text me this at 11pm? Havent heard fro. Her since last friday.... i guess she may be bored or have an element of guilt... why would she even want to meet me as friends?

 

Because that's what she wants. She literally said she liked you as a friend.

 

She then said thank you, i really do appreciate it and i apologise for hurting you, i guess i just fell out of love. She said i never said that i dont want to see you, i respect you as a person and like you as a friend.

 

I really suggest you go back and read your previous post again. The answers are actually all there but you are choosing to not see it.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Why randomly text me this at 11pm? Havent heard fro. Her since last friday.... i guess she may be bored or have an element of guilt... why would she even want to meet me as friends?

 

Probably because whatever guy she met on Tinder isn't responding to her.

 

She wants attention. That's all this is. It has nothing to do with feelings for you.

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