when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[schlumpy]

Later that night she asked how i found out she was on tinder, i told her how and she said fair enough, well thats in the past now.

 

One last bit of advice Mr. Lee.

 

Never reveal your sources.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

you need to think of the support ive given you and what ive said i will do for you instead of making rash decisions...

 

She told you she fell out of love with you, so you can say this until the cows come home, but it won't change her feelings, and that is why she didn't respond. What could she say? This is your rationalization for why she should still love you. I'm sure she appreciates those things, but she is no longer "feelin' it."

[fromheart]

The first thing people are told when they come on here, is to go NC after being dumped. Many don't follow this and then unfortunately, we see them get hurt more.

 

She's been on tinder for a while man. You didn't need to know that. That's why you go NC when you've been dumped. That's why, if you want them, you say contact me if you'd like to get back together but I'm not interested in friendship. Then NC.

 

We can help you go through this is the most painless way possible, but you have to take on board our advice.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

The hope and denial is strong in your post man and because of it, you haven't really understood or accepted anything anyone has really told you.

 

Look at this.

 

I told her well why didn you feel like you could talk to me, and she said because i dislike her a lot and always mad at her.. (which im not)

 

i would help you through it all and be there for you.. she then said its not that she doesnt want to see me again.. and then asked if id be happy with no strings attached

 

After all the advice you were given, you'd still say this. Why do you think she didn't confide in you? Because she doesn't know what you are anymore. You're not a boyfriend and you're not a friend. You are giving her mixed messages because you're telling her you don't want friendship and to leave you alone, but then you ask her to confide in you during tough times..which is a friendship. You are unknowingly and indirectly communicating how confused your mindset is. Her confusion is bouncing off of your confusion and you are both plunging deeper and deeper into a hole of drama and fights.

 

and then asked if id be happy with no strings attached.... i said well thats what we were before we got together wasnt it and we always had fun to which she agreed.

 

This girl was yours. Now she isn't. This is a demotion from your current heartbroken perspective and you know it but you refuse to admit it, because then it means you'd have to cut her out and you don't want that. No..you want to hold onto her for as long as possible, even if the connection you have to her is a fraction of what it used to be. You're not going to be okay with no strings attached. You want her, she doesn't want you, you're only sticking around because you hope to get her back. That's not friendship. That's insincerity..fakeness..you lying to yourself. In taking this deal with her, you are telling her, you'll be around at her convenience, knowing she no longer loves you, knowing she will go around dating other men..all because you're too messed up right now to even show yourself some respect. Again, this contradicts what you told her earlier about leaving you alone unless she was serious.

 

I then replied by saying well if its fun you want then message me and we can see where it leads but you need to think of the support ive given you and what ive said i will do for you instead of making rash decisions.. especially when you say your head is messed up.

 

You are in no condition to be there for her when you are wounded because of her. You're lying to yourself so that you don't to have to face reality. So you've convinced yourself that everyone here is full of crap and that your ex who broke up with you didn't know what she was doing..that you can still win her back. Anything to keep you living in your fantasy. People are hurting you because they're telling you what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear and you don't want any part of it, because you cant bare the thought of a future without your ex.

 

i dont know mayne NC long term will work for both of us...

 

One way or another, this ends with the two of you realizing that keeping in touch won't work for either of you. You are neither a boyfriend or a friend. You are placeless. NC didn't just come out of nowhere. It evolved because it people realized things naturally progressed to it. Sure, you two might be okay here and there for now. You have her back, she's in your life. That's good enough right? But then, you'll realize you won't hang out the way you want to or talk the way you want to. She's always going to be on her toes, wondering if she's leading you on. She won't be herself with you and you won't be yourself with her, because you're holding back what you want. You think her telling you about her dates are going to make you feel better? Just hearing from her right now upsets you as it is.

 

And one of these days she'll meet someone she actually likes and they'll fall in love and he won't want you around because you're an ex. Guess what she's going to do..she's going to respect his wishes! Because he's her future and you're her past. Where do think you're going to end up in her life?

 

Don't disrespect yourself by lying to yourself. I've been here, I've done this. You're going damage yourself tremendously.

Edited October 4, 2019 by Beachead

[Marc878]

OP only wants to see what he wants to see.

 

He'll have to wallow awhile.

[mrlee123]

Some good advice beach

 

Yeah.. she ssid no strings attached but today didnt ssy snything.. so it wont happen..

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

.. so it wont happen..

 

So we're back to this....

[Blanco]

Some good advice beach

 

Yeah.. she ssid no strings attached but today didnt ssy snything.. so it wont happen..

 

It shouldn't happen because you don't want it to happen. You're giving her far too much control over the situation and over your own life. I understand how this might feel better than dealing with her truly being gone for good, but it's only delaying the inevitable. It's only leaving you to twist in the wind, because she's been given full control over everything.

 

You don't want no-strings attached if it won't lead to reconciliation. There's no shame in admitting it. It's the truth. But that's exactly why you shouldn't want to do it. You two are looking at NSA with opposite intentions: For you, it's a transition to reconciliation. For her, it's a transition to the next romantic person in her life.

[assertives]

I'm not sure what's there left to say or even hope for. She's said it clear as day that she's fallen out of love, she no longer loves you as a romantic partner nor want a relationship with you. There's no two ways to interpret that. One can't order to love. It's time to close the chapter, block her and take active steps to begin healing. It doesn't matter how good you were to her or not. Sometimes, someone can have all the desirable qualities one would want in a partner, but you can be just not attracted.

 

Just take a look on another post here in this forum where someone talked about being in a relationship with an amazing woman with so many common interests, goals and values, but yet, was just not into her. It happens. There's nothing wrong with that and nothing to "reflect" or think about.

 

It's not a "rash" decision to not want to continue the relationship because you have fallen out of love with someone. It would have been a rash decision to continue in a relationship with someone past the "expiry date" of the relationship just because you treated her better than her ex. It would not have been fair to you or her. You both deserve to find someone better suited for you (and her) and equally into you as you are into them.

Edited October 4, 2019 by assertives

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah.. she ssid no strings attached but today didnt ssy snything.. so it wont happen..

 

It might.

 

But then when she meets a new guy she wants to date, you're going to be yesterday's news.

 

You're only setting yourself up for even more pain, OP. You're learning this the hard way, and I have the impression you will keep doing this until she disappears. It's going to hurt like hell.

 

Brace yourself for that, and keep your friends close. You will need them when you are cast aside for good by her, man.

[mrlee123]

Why ask for no strings attached, say your head is messed up for going on tinder and then not talk though??

[Maddie82]

Why ask for no strings attached, say your head is messed up for going on tinder and then not talk though??

 

All the more reason to leave it and block her.

[elaine567]

YOU are her EX, why are you telling her off for going on Tinder? It is NONE of your business.

 

SHE is now a free agent, BUTT out.

 

Rash decisions??? Who do you think you are?

She rejected you, she sees you as a friend, maybe a friend with benefits, though I guess that was your idea..., but she doesn't want you back as a bf.

Take the hint.

[mrlee123]

I didnt tell her off.. i asked her why she was on it when she told me last week she wants to be alone for a long time... maybe if you would have read what i said youd understand..

 

End of the day i will say/ask whatever i want.. if you think im out of order then dont comment on this thread.

[elaine567]

I read exactly what you wrote, you miss the point.

It is none of your business any more what she does, she is your ex... It is not as if she is the mother of your kids and you have a vested interest in what she gets up to, she is just your ex gf.

You break up, you stop speaking and she is then history, that is how it is supposed to work.

She lied so as not to upset you and if you keep badgering her she will keep lying...

She WILL be looking for a new bf, of course she will, she just doesn't want to tell you that.

She fell out of love with you, so you are no longer in the running.

You have to accept that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Why ask for no strings attached, say your head is messed up for going on tinder and then not talk though??

 

To soften the blow for you. As Elaine said, you need to "take the hint."

[assertives]

I didnt tell her off.. i asked her why she was on it when she told me last week she wants to be alone for a long time... maybe if you would have read what i said youd understand..

 

End of the day i will say/ask whatever i want.. if you think im out of order then dont comment on this thread.

 

You know, because she doesn't owe you an explanation/her true intentions/motives wrt dating? She doesn't owe you the "truth" you are no longer her boyfriend. It's the same way you don't owe any of us here on this forum an update or explanation. Remember how she said she doesn't have to answer to anyone. She can choose to marry someone tomorrow/sleep around/date around, whatever, because she can. You cannot hold her "accountable" to what she said about not wanting to/no interest/no time to date/have sex, etc. That's just a cursory remark you make to let an ex down gently or an easy out of a potentially difficult or unpleasant conversation. It is not a promise or a commitment or even a representation of the "truth".

 

You can certainly say/ask whatever you want. I personally feel there's no right or wrong way to heal. Different people approach healing differently, some choose to rip off the band aid, while others, choose to hang on and die a little on the inside everyday, yet some do a combination of both. People here can give you advise and encouragement based on personal experiences, but at the end of the day, if you prefer to hang on, wallow a little, die a little on the inside everyday, before you get there, I'd say hey, it's your life, pick whatever makes you feel you wouldn't look back and have regrets.

Edited October 4, 2019 by assertives

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

What do you want from her mrlee? Perhaps that the question you should be asking yourself.

Edited October 4, 2019 by Beachead

[Maddie82]

I was ask the same as beach. What do you want exactly Mrlee123?

[preraph]

I didnt tell her off.. i asked her why she was on it when she told me last week she wants to be alone for a long time... maybe if you would have read what i said youd understand..

 

End of the day i will say/ask whatever i want.. if you think im out of order then dont comment on this thread.

 

You can't tell people not to comment just because you don't like the comment.

[mrlee123]

Elaine.. ok, im sorry if i seemed rude.. i didnt mean it. I know youre trying to make me see sense and i think right now i see i have no other choice but to try get through life without her in it. Thank you for your comments.

 

Im just finding it unreal how she changed like this and went from saying one thing to another and confusing me and hurting me. She said the other day she wanted no strings, today she told me she doesnt... and just wants to be friends. She would co sider seeing me but only as friends, shes going to Italy with her mom this month and said shes busy up until that. Im not gonna ask to see her..

 

She also said shes free to see other guys if she wants, which fair enough ok she is as shes single but daid shes not ready right now. Her saying that hurt..but oh well.

 

This is the end of the road with her now... theres no way back. Thank you all for your comments and i have definetly learned a few things here i promise.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This is the end of the road with her now

 

Very true. Although I have my doubts that you actually believe that.

[preraph]

Well, her going on vacation will at least give you some time to stop waiting and waiting for the next communication from her. At least I HOPE she doesn't try to be your penpal while on vacation. If she does, she hasn't a lick of common sense.

[Blanco]

Im just finding it unreal how she changed like this and went from saying one thing to another and confusing me and hurting me. She said the other day she wanted no strings, today she told me she doesnt... and just wants to be friends.

 

But she probably hasn't really changed. What's changed is the dynamic between you two. You've known her as a romantic interest and a girlfriend and so in a lot of ways, you're anticipating and expecting her to respond in a manner that aligns with that.

 

It's not even probably a conscious thing on your part because this breakup was unwanted by you, so things from your perspective haven't changed much. You still love/care about her, want to be with her, etc. You still very much see her in the same way as you did when she was your girlfriend. It's OK. I've done the same thing myself. It's hard to make that extreme shift in perspective when your feelings toward the person haven't changed.

 

I think she's been selfish in some respects, but I can also empathize with her. She's confused. She knows she doesn't want the relationship anymore, but the thought of losing you entirely from her life is likely hard for her to accept. Thus, you get her suggesting NSA or friendship, because those are ways you remains part of her world. However, you'll be wise to decline since it's not what you want. AND, once she has better processed the breakup and met someone new, she's going to probably lose most interest in this idea of being "friends" with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

She said the other day she wanted no strings, today she told me she doesnt... and just wants to be friends. She would co sider seeing me but only as friends, shes going to Italy with her mom this month and said shes busy up until that. Im not gonna ask to see her..

 

She also said shes free to see other guys if she wants, which fair enough ok she is as shes single but daid shes not ready right now. Her saying that hurt..but oh well.

 

Perhaps she already has met up with another guy, mr.lee, and doesn't want to totally stuff it up by sleeping with her ex.

 

And even if she hasn't, the one thing that has remained consistent is that she isn't trying to rekindle an actual relationship with you. Even offering no-strings whatever wasn't exactly a promising sign. There really is nothing more to talk about.

 

You can see that keeping in touch with her is only resulting in more heartache for you. I hope that you will use all these new revelations about her to propel you in implementing real No Contact, for a long time.