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when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

mrlee123

By mrlee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Now shes asked if id be happy doing no strings attached ??? as right now she wants fun not seriousness.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Now shes asked if id be happy doing no strings attached ??? as right now she wants fun not seriousness.

 

Oh yeah that sounds like the best idea ever. :rolleyes:

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Now shes asked if id be happy doing no strings attached ??? as right now she wants fun not seriousness.

 

How did you reply to that?

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Oh, yeah, because this is SO much fun. What fun having sex with her and then knowing she's going out with other guys later in the week. Fun, fun!

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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I havent yet... she just said shes sorry for everything and that she just fell out of love.. she would see me again but respects me as a person and friend.

 

Said the whole reason she went on tinder was because her head was messed up and she was scared if her mum died shed have nobody tk support her.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Said the whole reason she went on tinder was because her head was messed up and she was scared if her mum died shed have nobody tk support her.

 

Hope she includes that gem in her Tinder profile.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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What happened to "too busy working to see you"?

 

By support her, meaning emotionally or financially? Or both?

 

So by "just have fun," ask her if that includes sex. If not, she's still just trying to be "just friends" for her own convenience.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Earlier I said just deleting her number would be sufficient..but this girl continues to message you and continues to disregard your well-being in favour of her own. She's operating off of her own anxiety right now and it's wounding you. So now I say block her. There's nothing to be gained here.

 

Also, Elaine567 said this earlier. Something you should think about.

 

Truth is at this stage of the break up you should not be party to this. You hung around and hung around and now you are paying the price

When someone dumps you. they mean business and it is only a matter of time before they seek to replace you.

That is the reality.

If you don't want to witness the inevitable conclusion, then you make yourself scarce.

That is the benefit of NC.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I havent yet... she just said shes sorry for everything and that she just fell out of love.. she would see me again but respects me as a person and friend.

 

No, this isn't really true.

 

If she respected you, she would not be asking you for no-strings sex when she knows you still want to date her. That is the opposite of respectful.

 

She is thinking only about herself here. You would be crazy to get involved with her again like that, so I sincerely hope you tell her to go fly a kite.

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Yep. She says she respects but look at what she just asked of you. A FWB, no strings situation from you who's heart she broke, and who hasn't had any real time to grieve over the breakup because she doesn't care about giving him space to heal. It's anything but respectful. You two are not friends. Her words are fruitless.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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But was she even referring to sex -- or just have fun, no strings, no sex? He should ask her if she means sex.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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I dont know if she means no strings sex or just no strings as in just hanging out... she said this morning she doesnt have time for sex lol.. plus now shes apologised and said she fell out of love... she wont ask to meet... even though shes said this i dont think she will.

 

She said her head was messed yesterday... its all just weird..

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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She said her head was messed yesterday...

 

And today.

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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Lee, I think you need to ask yourself what you're getting out of continued contact with her, because I'm not seeing anything other than pain.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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she said this morning she doesnt have time for sex

 

That's a good one. And then she follows that with "no strings, just fun" so yeah, just her trying to make you remain friends with her so she has someone's shoulder to cry on and doesn't have to feel the consequences of a breakup. Think of it. She had already lost attraction for you before she broke up. But she stayed a while anyway, so to her, this isn't much different except that you don't get to make demands to have a real relationship and she can go out and be on her own and date whenever she wants.

 

You should counter "doesn't have time for sex" with "Well, sex is ALL I've got time for now, so...."

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Lee, I think you need to ask yourself what you're getting out of continued contact with her, because I'm not seeing anything other than pain.

 

That's all I'm seeing as well.

Maggiemay1 Established Member

Maggiemay1

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MrLee,

 

Your story isn’t adding up.

You said she contacted you and told you she went on tinder for 20 minutes.

Yet she didn’t mention tinder until you did!

Why did you?

That’s why she responded to you in the manner she did, she is correct in that she doesn’t have to answer to anyone including you.

 

She has zero respect for you, her friend whose mother died , her own mother.

 

This is going to be the longest breakup in history if you continue to refuse to block her.

 

She is using you for the attention and drama she craves.

 

Her mother is not dying nor sick , yet all she cares about is who will support her if she does die! How self centred and pathetic is that!?

 

Look where not blocking her has got you!? Nowhere!!

You still haven’t started going through the breakup process , back to square one, the day she dumped you !

 

Block her!!!!

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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How old are you two? This is really juvenile on both sides.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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she said this morning she doesnt have time for sex lol..

 

"Lol" is right. She is full of crap.

 

Look, you have learned the hard way she will lie to you in a feeble attempt to preserve your feelings. You can assume she will damn sure make time for sex when the right hottie comes along.

 

You can continue to engage if you want, but know it's going to then hurt you that much more when she meets a new guy and stops looking to you for attention. That is what will happen here. She isn't going to change her mind about not being in love with you and come back to you. man.

 

I'll echo Blanco's sentiment that this is all starting to become quite immature.

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balletomane Established Member

balletomane

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Lee, there are things here that don't quite add up. At first you made it sound as if your ex had contacted you out of the blue to tell you about going on Tinder. Later you reveal that you had asked her about it. I get the feeling that you're omitting details that you feel won't go down well here or that don't reflect well on you. If you have the insight to recognise that these things are problematic, you have the insight not to be doing them.

 

You've said earlier that you're not strong enough to stop contacting your ex. But strength is something that you develop over time, not something you either have or you don't. You could develop yours by not asking your ex any further questions or sending any replies, as a first step, if you aren't ready to block her. Make the choices that will help you to build yourself up as opposed to choices that keep you hurting and obsessing over the wound.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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He keeps picking at the metaphorical scab, it feels kind of good, but it just means it will never heal...

He doesn't want it to heal over, as that means she is gone for good and he doesn't want to accept that.

 

That pain is comforting, without it he has to face he on his own and he has to make his own way in the world without her.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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He never did answer my question if he's threatened self-harm ever, which would make her feel she needed to check in on him (suicide blackmail).

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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He never did answer my question if he's threatened self-harm ever, which would make her feel she needed to check in on him (suicide blackmail).

 

He did answer. He said he hasn't ever done anything like that.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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No ive never threatened self harm and never thought of that...

 

Honest answer... i dont want you all making me feel worse by saying how stupid i am and how im pushing her further away etc etc... as much as some of your words help me they also hurt me.. but i will be honest as tk what happened.

 

My friend showed me a screenshot of her on tinder, i was shocked as i never thought id see that since she said she was staying single for a very long time last week. I emailed her as i didnt have her number to ask why she lied to me as i saw she was on there.... she then whatsapped me to explain why... her first excuse was that she went to her best friends moms funeral and she felt vulnerable and needy, but then 20 min after downloading it she deleted it as she realised shes not ready fkr that and hasnt got the energy for it. I told her well why didn you feel like you could talk to me, and she said because i dislike her a lot and always mad at her.. (which im not)

 

I then explained i dont dislike her... the next morning she took a more aggressive approach, by saying she doesnt have to answer to anyone. I then said that her being on tinder shows to me that she lied last week and that she wants to see other guys.. she then said all the best and i said wow. she then said to me you clearly dont know me, i dont have time for sex... i then said well you clesrly dont know me thinking i dislike you. Later that night she asked how i found out she was on tinder, i told her how and she said fair enough, well thats in the past now. I then asked her to be honest and explain why she went on it and she said because her head was messed up and going to her friends moms funeral made her feel like if she lost her mom then shed have nobody to support her. I then said well did you not listen to what ive told you before if that ever happened.. i would help you through it all and be there for you.. she then said its not that she doesnt want to see me again.. and then asked if id be happy with no strings attached.... i said well thats what we were before we got together wasnt it and we always had fun to which she agreed.

 

She then said thank you, i really do appreciate it and i apologise for hurting you, i guess i just fell out of love. She said i never said that i dont want to see you, i respect you as a person and like you as a friend. I then replied by saying well if its fun you want then message me and we can see where it leads but you need to think of the support ive given you and what ive said i will do for you instead of making rash decisions.. especially when you say your head is messed up. She then read that last might and didnt reply.. so i guess the no strings attached thing wont ever happen.. i dont think she has the strength to want to see me again.... and im not expecting messages. Ive deleted her again off whatsapp so i cant text her.

 

I know all of you guys think im stupid, deluded, weak, and sometimes your comments hurt me or make me feel crap. Which is why i probly wont look at this now for a while... i know i need to do stuff that you guys say.. im sorry. Ive never felt like this before... but i dont know mayne NC long term will work for both of us...

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