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when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

mrlee123

By mrlee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Nope ive never threatened anything to her... i told her i dont understand how going to a funeral makes you feel vulnerable and needy to want to go on tinder... and then said for her to do what she wants... she just said exactly, im me so i dont need to answer to anyone so im good.

 

I just said whatever do what you want, i know now you will never want to try with me again and you rather see other guys. She then replied with all the best.

Edited by mrlee123
Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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You're blowing it, mrlee. The only thing there was to say to her, if anything at all, was "I told you to never contact me again unless you wanted to rekindle. You are not respecting my wishes and if you contact me again I will be forced to block you." It's time to show some balls instead of this weak sauce crap you're pulling. Be a man.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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She knows i know her intentions now... so obviously all my hope is gone. I just find her excuses ridicuulous... using vulnerability and needyness from a funeral to go on tinder? And then saying i dislike her and always mad at her which is why she didnt come to me? Then this morning taking a different approach and sayi g she doesnt have to answer to anyone.

 

Shes full of crap... my mom says ive had a lucky escape lol

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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She doesn't give a crap about you, OP. She cares about protecting her own image and not looking like the bad gal here. She saw your buddy on Tinder and knew it would get back to you, so she scrambled to make up some ridiculous excuse. If she cared about you, she would have heeded your request to not contact her unless she wanted to reconcile. See how she bulldozed right over that, too? This is all about her.

 

Using a funeral as an excuse to be "needy" and "vulnerable" and go on Tinder is downright pathetic and disrespectful.

 

Perhaps now you are ready to block her. You are not able to respond to her without compromising your own dignity, as you did here: "I just said whatever do what you want, i know now you will never want to try with me again and you rather see other guys."

 

What sort of response did you really expect to that?

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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I agree that excuse is BS, she knows now that i know she rather see other guys... she says shes happy with her life right now and being alone but then goes on tinder...

 

I said to her do whatever you want and she said at least we both know where we stand.

She said to me she wants fun not seriousness so again that shows she just wants to hook up... even though she said she doesnt have time for sex lol

 

I never expected her to turn into someone like this.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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It's a tough wake-up call, no doubt about it. I'm sorry you're feeling so down about it.

 

I hope other dumpees will too learn something from your story here, which is that dumpers rarely mean it when they swear they are going to stay away from dating for a long time.

 

The end of a relationship inevitably means they are open to other options.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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All this has shown to me now is that shes on the lookout for other guys... she said last night she was on it due to needyness and vulnerability from a funeral.. but then this morning says shes happy with her life at the moment and wants fun not seriousness. It has shown to me her true colours and stuff she told me of how her ex acted is how shes acting now... shes selfish and doesnt care about me and threw crap at me last week saying she wants to be alone for a long time. One day this may hit her and shel realise how shes acted. Karma always comes around..

schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

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I never expected her to turn into someone like this.

 

She never "turned" into that person Mr. Lee. She was always that person. You couldn't look past your own needs to understand that.

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balletomane Established Member

balletomane

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I'm sorry you're hurting and shocked. As I wrote earlier, I am also dealing with a recent unwanted breakup, and I can relate to the pain. However, no matter how much pain you're in, it's important not to lose sight of the basic fact: your ex broke up with you. This means she is perfectly free to go on Tinder and date whoever she likes. You are experiencing this as selfish and a betrayal because you hadn't accepted that it was over.

 

It would be much, much easier for you to accept this if you set solid boundaries. I am no longer in contact with my ex. I really hope we can be friends again one day but until I'm able to see him with someone else without wincing that won't be doable. I'd just be setting myself up for more hurt. It's over. Done. You won't start healing until you can recognise the same.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Its more the fact of her telling me last week she was staying single for a very long time.. then when she gets caught out last night she tried to justify it a s how she couldnt come to me... then this morning using a more aggressive approach by saying she doesnt have to answer to anyone and not caring... and how she wants fun not seriousness.. one day she will realise her actions..

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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That is crazy, using a funeral as an excuse to feel needy and go on tinder? What does that achieve.... and then her syaing i dislkie her and alway mad at her? I have shown no anger towards her... shes crazy!!

 

i dont understand how going to a funeral makes you feel vulnerable and needy to want to go on tinder....

 

 

Let me explain human nature to you. In the face of death it's very common for people to do something life affirming. One of the easiest things to do is have sex. Yeah, I'm serious. Death makes people crave that intimate human tough. What your EX is experiencing is perfectly normal.

 

I understand that that fact that she's seeking that comfort from somebody who is not you is maddening but that doesn't alter the impulse.

 

She's kind of mean & selfish to tell you about it. But she also said that she felt like you were always angry & that she can't talk to you. If she felt like that before it's your answer as to why she broke up with you. If she only developed that sense after the break up, of course you are no going to be emotionally available to her after she hurt you.

 

Her friend's death is a complicating factor in all of this. Despite your hurt, showing compassion for that loss is the high road.

 

In your shoes right now, despite all my advice to go NC, I would probably offer to meet her to talk about her friend's death & offer comfort. If you do that you can't talk about your relationship. All you can do is listen to her grieve. Frankly I don't think you are in a frame of mind to pull off such a selfless act right now so leave her alone.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Its more the fact of her telling me last week she was staying single for a very long time.. then when she gets caught out last night she tried to justify it a s how she couldnt come to me... then this morning using a more aggressive approach by saying she doesnt have to answer to anyone and not caring... and how she wants fun not seriousness.. one day she will realise her actions..

 

She hasn't done anything wrong that she has to "realize." She handled things poorly by allowing you to have hope by making statements about being alone, but I suspect that was because you were so needy and she was trying to be as gentle as possible, not realizing how much you were latching on to every little morsel of hope.

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Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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Its more the fact of her telling me last week she was staying single for a very long time.. then when she gets caught out last night she tried to justify it a s how she couldnt come to me... then this morning using a more aggressive approach by saying she doesnt have to answer to anyone and not caring... and how she wants fun not seriousness.. one day she will realise her actions..

 

What??? Look, i get that your angry about her being on Tinder but that's her choice and her life. It's not your business. You're acting like you're mad because she didn't consult you first. You don't have the right be angry about it and villify her for it. She isn't doing anything wrong. She told you she wants to stay single for a while but she's entitled to change her mind. She's right when she said she doesn't have to answer to anyone, and she especially doesn't have to answer to you.

Edited by Maddie82
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Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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She somehow could tell your friend saw her on Tinder and thinks she needs to make up this crazy excuse.

 

If they are broken up she doesn't need excuses. Why would she worry about OP finding out about it if they aren't even together?

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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If they are broken up she doesn't need excuses. Why would she worry about OP finding out about it if they aren't even together?

 

I would guess it's because she wants to be seen as honest about "being single for a long while." She doesn't want him to know the truth.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Shes full of crap thats what she is... ive never shown needyness to her or been angry.. ive given her space and stayed understanding. Shes then thrown weak excuses to justify it... all i did was ask why shes on there when she said she was never going to entertain anything like that for a long time. Im done with her and not messaging anything to her now. Shes shown her true colours and repeated actions that she said her ex did to her.

Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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This is why we have all advised you to BLOCK her.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I'm glad that you are moving forward & away from her. I'm sorry the impetus was so brutal.

 

ive never shown needyness to her or been angry..

 

It's not about what you did. It's about what she perceived.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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all i did was ask why shes on there when she said she was never going to entertain anything like that for a long time.

 

So you asked her?

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

If there's one thing she has done wrong is continuing to stay in contact with you despite your requests for her to stop. That's it though.

 

The blunt truth is, she broke it off with you, the relationship was over prior to this, she's single and justified to do whatever she wants. Therefore, she is not at fault for going on a dating site. I don't know why she feels the need to justify herself right now or why she even promised you when or if she'd date again...she shouldn't have to. It's actually none of your business what she does in her spare time now.

 

You believed her, because her explanation and promises were easier on your heart. Because you were naive. Because you weren't ready accept your relationship was over. Because you were in denial. Everybody warned you that your breakup wasn't about her busy with her new job. It was about her wanting to be with someone else. And everybody warned you that you were seeing what you hoped to see, rather than what was. All that's happened here is your fantasy fell apart on you and you're facing a rude awakening. You're not upset with her. You're upset with yourself.

Edited by Beachead
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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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One day this may hit her and shel realise how shes acted. Karma always comes around..

 

Why would that be?

She saw you as a friend, she lost feelings, she dumped you.

She is now moving on.

That is how it works.

What on earth has karma got to do with it?

 

Truth is at this stage of the break up you should not be party to this. You hung around and hung around and now you are paying the price

When someone dumps you. they mean business and it is only a matter of time before they seek to replace you.

That is the reality.

If you don't want to witness the inevitable conclusion, then you make yourself scarce.

That is the benefit of NC.

 

From the very first moment you refused to believe she had actually dumped you.

Your ego was too big.

She made her intentions abundantly clear, we all told you that...

Now you are sore at her because you now realise she has in fact dumped you and she is not coming back.

 

You now need to accept, grieve, heal and move on...

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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What actions do you feel she needs to realize, OP? What will karma get her for, exactly?

 

I agree that she shouldn’t be continually reaching out to you. But she’s not doing anything wrong by being on Tinder. She doesn’t owe you an explanation. Even if she told you last week she wanted to be single for a long time, she isn’t beholden to that. It’s her prerogative to change her mind.

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Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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One day this may hit her and shel realise how shes acted. Karma always comes around..

 

Karma for doing what? Not getting back with you and going on tinder? Apart from not respecting your wishes of no contact, she hasn't done anything wrong. This tinder thing has gotten you all bent out of shape because it actually hit you that she is actually moving on and it makes you angry. I can tell from a your comments that you secretly believed that she would come crawling back. But she isn't.

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Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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So you asked her?

 

 

Shes full of crap thats what she is... ive never shown needyness to her or been angry.. ive given her space and stayed understanding. Shes then thrown weak excuses to justify it... all i did was ask why shes on there when she said she was never going to entertain anything like that for a long time. Im done with her and not messaging anything to her now. Shes shown her true colours and repeated actions that she said her ex did to her.

 

Yep. mrlee hasn't heeded a word of advice here, so much so that his whole "no contact" charade was just that - a charade. mrlee is not being honest with everybody here about his contact with this woman.

 

mrlee, not only have you shown excessive neediness to her, you've proven to be excessively weak and unable to control your actions. You would have been well-served to listen to all of the sage advice here. It would have saved you more heartache. But you, mrlee, seem to like to continue to take the hammer to your black and blue finger over, and over, and over, and over again.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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And you need to stop playing word games when she says she's planning on staying single for awhile. That means she isn't planning on marrying anytime soon, not that she's going to not date. That means she is not interested in marrying you and is going to date other guys. It's all very clear if you'd stop refusing to just twist everything to conform with what you hope.

 

We all agree she's a selfish narcissist for not leaving you alone once you told her (if you did indeed tell her) not to contact you unless she wanted to be together in the romantic sense again. But you invite it because you tend to stay involved in her life, just like this Tinder thing.

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