when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[ExpatInItaly]

Excellent choice not to contact her.

 

You won't get the response you're hoping for and will likely just wind up feeling even worse. It's not worth it.

 

It will take time to get used to not having her in your life, but as most of us can attest, you learn a new "normal" after a break-up as you slowly adjust to filling your mind and life with other people and experiences.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Wanting to contact her is normal. Think of yourself as going through with withdrawal from a drug. Although it makes you feel great when you use it..it will ultimately destroy you. That's what she's comparable to now; coke, Heroin. She became toxic to you after leaving you. It's just what happens after a breakup.

 

Therefore, if you have anything on there that reminds you of her, you need to at the very least, transfer it off of your phone. The same goes for any gifts or things that are associated with her. Pack it all up and get it out of your sight. These things will only serve to exacerbate the heartbreak you already feel and will prolong your suffering in this whole process.

Edited October 1, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

I definetly wont contact her.. i cant now as i dont have her number... unless i email her but i wont. I keep seeing online the 30 day NC rule... and if i dont hear anything to just send something simple like.. oh i saw this photo of vegas on tv.. reminded me of us.. and to just initiate contact from there.. i dont think thats a good idea though so i will leave it completely.

[preraph]

Yeah, that would be crazy.

[Beachead]

I definetly wont contact her.. i cant now as i dont have her number... unless i email her but i wont. I keep seeing online the 30 day NC rule... and if i dont hear anything to just send something simple like.. oh i saw this photo of vegas on tv.. reminded me of us.. and to just initiate contact from there.. i dont think thats a good idea though so i will leave it completely.

 

Yea stay clear of that crap. I used to read the numerous articles and blogs and the "Get your ex back" videos all the time. I nearly bought what some of those people were selling. It's bad advice. They know you are a person on the receiving end of a fresh break up. They know you're in pain and desperate for relief and they know because of that, you're vulnerable enough to buy into their false hope that you can get your ex back if you follow their prescribed steps, drizzling some truth into sales pitch to make their advice sound legit. F*ck all that.

 

When exes break up with you, you proceed on what you know right in that moment. If you feel you are blaming yourself, remember that you're human and you make mistakes. You're not always going to say the right thing or do the right thing. You can't be perfect and you can't pattern your behaviour to their every need. It's unfair to demand that of yourself because it's impossible. You gave it your best at the time in that relationship. If you want closure, just remember, it doesn't matter why they left. All that matters is, they left. Knowing you gave it your best in the relationship, believe there is nothing more for you to do except give them what they want and walk away. You're not going to convince them to change their mind on a decision they spent atleast a couple of months sitting on. It doesn't matter why. All that matters is, what you two shared was not enough to convince them to want to stay.

 

With that being said, the best advice I've come across for grieving breakups was always about turning my attention from my exes, back to myself. Focus on rebuilding your life in ways that can grow you in all angles; spiritually, academically, physically. Things that give you more experience. Things that challenge you to work on you weaknesses. Things that help you meet more people just like you to remind you that there are people out there who want to be around you. Overall, the more you get to know yourself, the more accurately you'll choose things that are right for you which means you're going to feel more at peace with your life. In time, all that work you put in is going to give back to you and heal you.

Edited October 1, 2019 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

I definetly wont contact her.. i cant now as i dont have her number... unless i email her but i wont. I keep seeing online the 30 day NC rule... and if i dont hear anything to just send something simple like.. oh i saw this photo of vegas on tv.. reminded me of us.. and to just initiate contact from there.. i dont think thats a good idea though so i will leave it completely.

 

No, don't bother with that.

 

The 30-day thing is a gimmick that helps sell "get your ex back" programs; it gives the heartbroken some sort of tangible hope to hold on to, but it's arbitrary. When someone is done with a relationship, contacting them after 30 or 42 or 67.5 days isn't going to make any difference. And if she's not truly done, well, you'll hear from her anyway. She knows you're open to reconciling. If you haven't heard from her in a month, you can assume she hasn't changed her mind in that period, so reaching out is rather pointless.

 

And really, if the 30-day Rule actually worked (followed by "lighthearted, casual contact" to "slowly rebuild attraction" while not putting any pressure on her- right? all these programs are the same), we'd be hearing about a lot more success stories on these forums. A quick board search for that term would likely turn up plenty of posts from people here wondering about the same strategy, with few positive follow-ups. There is a reason for that.

[mrlee123]

Wow... and now i find out shes on tinder... after her telling me shes staying single for a very long time, doesnt want to be in a relationship and focusing on her job... that majorly hurt me..

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Wow... and now i find out shes on tinder... after her telling me shes staying single for a very long time, doesnt want to be in a relationship and focusing on her job... that majorly hurt me..

 

And how did you find that out?

[mrlee123]

My friend showed me a screenshot

[ExpatInItaly]

Ouch.

 

I'm sorry, OP. Let this be the confirmation for you that this is well and truly over.

 

Unfortunately, a lot of dumpers will insincerely insist they are not going to be looking for anyone else any time soon. They have the misguided notion that saying something like this will be less hurtful for their ex, when they don't realize that exes often still harbour hope that maybe they will come back after they're done "focusing on themselves" for a while.

 

It hurts a lot to realize they were not being totally honest.

[Beachead]

Wow... and now i find out shes on tinder... after her telling me shes staying single for a very long time, doesnt want to be in a relationship and focusing on her job... that majorly hurt me..

 

Now you know why you should never hang onto the words of an ex after they've dumped you. The sad reality is more people just like yourself are going to go through it tonight, tomorrow, the day after, next week..next month, next year etc. It's that common.

 

Atleast now, through the pain in your heart, you'll remember that when someone who dumps you tells "I won't date anyone for a long time" ..to not pay any attention to it. Matter of fact, you'll be wise to not pay attention to any promises they make because it doesn't apply to tomorrow. The only thing you need to remember in that moment is you did your convincing in the relationship and despite everything you two shared, she ended it. She ended it because she ultimately felt what you brought to the table wasn't for her. And ending it with you is ultimately a choice to be with someone else.

 

It doesn't matter why. It just mattered that she did it.

 

So going forward (And I hope you don't have to experience another one of these situations in the future) no matter how badly your heart wants you to stay and work it out and find explanations..don't. Take the breakup with a smile, give her what she wants, believe you did everything you could in the relationship, and walk away and never let a person screw with you.

Edited October 1, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

Yeah only last monday she told me.. 'believe me im staying single for a very long time' i genuinely believed her too.. so if shes either on there to f**k other guys or date and play the field see how it goes... im shocked she lied to me like thar as she never has before. Its also given me doubts now to wearher shes bene tslking to other guys before... even though she says she hasnt. But i never expected this to happen especially so soon... unreal and i know now its well and truly done.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm sorry, Mr. Lee

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

ts also given me doubts now to wearher shes bene tslking to other guys before... even though she says she hasnt. But i never expected this to happen especially so soon... unreal and i know now its well and truly done.

 

I wouldn't bet against it. Some people do open up to other people as they start to detach from the relationship, in preparation to slide into something new but it's hard to say. I will tell you this again though: the only reason she's able to do this is she did her getting over you IN the relationship itself. The decision to break up happens months in advance. It's a slow burn over time. A back and forth thought process of weighing out pros against the cons of leaving happens. If it's what they realize she want, then preparing for it is the next step. For most, it doesn't feel good to be in something you know is wrong for you and then have to lie to a person, knowing down the road you'll have to hurt them. People feel guilt so in her case, by the time she ended it, it was a relief. At the same time, dumpers don't always know if they're doing the right thing so they have doubts which she probably had. Both guilt and doubt is what she needed to soothe after she ended it. This is why many exes stick around for a month or two post-breakup. They're making it right for themselves. Dumpees like yourself take it as hope.

 

Coming from that position, it's certainly easy to see how she can jump onto dating site and get going quickly after. I don't think she's looking for a relationship. I think she's rebounding. In any case, it's not your concern anymore.

[preraph]

Well, I'm sure she is staying single for a long time. That doesn't mean she won't date and have sex. "Single" just means not getting married anytime soon. She didn't lie to you. Now you're just being melodramatic.

 

You knew you were broken up, so I really can't believe you're pretending to be shocked that she is putting herself out there to date other guys.

Edited October 1, 2019 by preraph

[Blanco]

I posted this last week:

 

People say that and that usually goes out the window when the meet someone worthwhile. Not saying you're not worthwhile, but very few people will pass up exploring a relationship if someone enticing enough comes along, regardless of what they've said they plan to do (i.e. not get into a relationship for a while).

 

When someone dumps us, we need to just assume that they will start exploring new people and potential relationships soon after, even if that isn’t the case, because it’s going to usually happen sooner than later.

 

You have your answer. Block her number and move on. Also inform your friends you don’t need any further updates about her.

[mrlee123]

Omg you wont believe this....

 

She whatsapped me saying she literally went on tinder and after 20 minutes deleted it as she realised shes so not ready for that. Said she went to her best friends funeral today and she felt vulnerable and needy which is why she went on it.said she couldnt come to me as i dislike her a lot and always mad at her??? Like wtf !? Ive never acted like that to her. This is crazy

[schlumpy]

Mr. Lee:

 

Do not respond. Only respond if she knocks on your front door. Require that she make a real effort or you will be right back where you were before.

[mrlee123]

That is crazy, using a funeral as an excuse to feel needy and go on tinder? What does that achieve.... and then her syaing i dislkie her and alway mad at her? I have shown no anger towards her... shes crazy!!

[Blanco]

She chose the end the relationship. She doesn't want all of you, she shouldn't be able to choose the parts of you she still gets access to. You're not her therapist.

 

It's clear she isn't going to respect your request for no further contact if it's not about reconciliation. You need to show that you aren't all talk and have stronger boundaries, and just block her. You're never going to move on if you give her a space to pop back up every few days.

 

She's not crazy, but she's not being respectful of you right now. Don't participate. Block her, otherwise prepared to remain stuck in this loop until she finds someone new. And she will find someone new. I assure you.

[preraph]

All that happened there is she found out you knew she was on Tinder. Someone told her they showed it to you or that someone else did and that you went nuts.

 

 

And again, she knows where you are if she ever wants to have sex with you again. And she knows you want her. So how long has it been now? It's at least a month at this point.

 

Love how she's trying to guilt you for not wanting to just be friends with her on her terms now.

[Beachead]

And again she breaks contact and disregards what you've asked for and now she's trying to guilt you for taking care of yourself.

 

You can keep her deleted but just know she'll keep at this and everytime she does this, she's going to upset you just like she did the last time and just like it did now. In the process she'll keep you dwelling on what she said, what it could mean and what you should do about it etc. The end result, stopping you from healing and moving forward.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Omg you wont believe this....

 

She whatsapped me saying she literally went on tinder and after 20 minutes deleted it as she realised shes so not ready for that. Said she went to her best friends funeral today and she felt vulnerable and needy which is why she went on it.said she couldnt come to me as i dislike her a lot and always mad at her??? Like wtf !? Ive never acted like that to her. This is crazy

 

She somehow could tell your friend saw her on Tinder and thinks she needs to make up this crazy excuse.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That is crazy, using a funeral as an excuse to feel needy and go on tinder? What does that achieve.... and then her syaing i dislkie her and alway mad at her? I have shown no anger towards her... shes crazy!!

 

I don't think she's crazy, but she is immature. She seems way too focused on coming out of this smelling like roses, which is not even necessary since she did nothing wrong in breaking up with you.

[preraph]

Does she have some reason to think that you're a danger to yourself or something like that that would make her want to convince you she's not dating or still wants to be friends to be sure you're not suicidal? Have you ever threatened anything like that with her? I keep getting the feeling we're missing some info.