when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[mrlee123]

Yes on whatsapp you can see whos looked

[d0nnivain]

mrlee123

 

You are right. We don't know you or her. But collectively we do know something about human nature & we have the advantage of a perspective not clouded by emotion & longing.

 

You are understandably heartbroken & you want so much for things to be back the way they were when you two were falling in love & you were happy. We get that. It's human nature.

 

That said, your hope breaks our hearts for you because having been there ourselves we know that the longer you hold on, the more you delay your own healing. Still it's your life & your choice. If you don't want to block her, don't. But understand you looking at her social media is like you picking a scab. It just causes the wound of your broken heart to reopen & bleed again. Do consider unfollowing her so her posts don't pop up in your feed. This will help you put distance in here & steel your heart against recurring damage.

 

Everybody's healing path is different. Honestly, I have never had to break up in the age of social media. I can't imagine the pull of the temptation to see what the EX is up to & hold out hope that it's so easy to reach out.

 

When you are ready to let go, when you finally accept this is over, you will then be ready to move forward .

[mrlee123]

I dont have her on any social media and now i wont be able to see her on whatsapp unless she messages me. Last week i guess i was stupid..putting statuses of myself up so she would see me... she looked.. but she hasnt messaged since last Monday. Now im not going to do any statuses i will be completely gone so who knows.. i made my stance last monday so if she messages it will be relating to that. However like I said i dont think she will now.

[thecrucible]

I dont have her on any social media and now i wont be able to see her on whatsapp unless she messages me. Last week i guess i was stupid..putting statuses of myself up so she would see me... she looked.. but she hasnt messaged since last Monday. Now im not going to do any statuses i will be completely gone so who knows.. i made my stance last monday so if she messages it will be relating to that. However like I said i dont think she will now.

 

You must be in a lot of pain emotionally. I really feel for you. I think it's hurting you because you're making conscious decisions. Try to do what you would do anyway, don't do anything because of her. If you let go, it will help you I promise. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, you'll be too busy enjoying yourself hopefully. I recommend you take a break from social media. Even put a status up to say you're taking it break if it helps. When you come back to it, you might feel differently. Who knows? It's okay to take a decision which is best for you...you don't have to feel guilty about not talking to her.

[mrlee123]

Thank you.. yes i am in a lot of pain. I only had her on whatsapp and was making statuses so she wouldnt forget me and see me... obviously it didnt make any difference.. but now that ive deleted her off that i wont do anymore statuses... i wont be able to see her unless she messages me. So yeah i dont know if she will think of me when i dont do any statuses and go completely silent.

 

I just expected her to give me an answer to my stance last monday.. as i asked her clearly if she ever saw herself trying with me ever again and she just didnt reply. Then i just said look of you want to try slow then you know how to contact me and i said i dont want to be just friends... she didnt reply so i guess thats her answer and way of dealing with it. So its gone forever now unless she unexpectedly contacts me sometime.

[Highndry]

I just expected her to give me an answer to my stance last monday.. as i asked her clearly if she ever saw herself trying with me ever again and she just didnt reply. Then i just said look of you want to try slow then you know how to contact me and i said i dont want to be just friends... she didnt reply so i guess thats her answer and way of dealing with it. So its gone forever now unless she unexpectedly contacts me sometime.

This is all very weak, mrlee. She has given you your answer many times. It's as plain as day. She broke up with you. What part of that is not resonating?

 

As men, we need to remain strong no matter the situation. In this instance you gave away all your power and self respect and were left bargaining with her as evidenced by your own words. This is actually repellent for women. They like strong men who know their own value.

 

In the future, the ONLY thing to do when a woman breaks up with you, whether you want her back or not, is to accept it and completely disappear from her life. Should she have a change of heart, you will hear from her. Even if she did, why would you take back a woman who broke up with you? It's almost always a mistake because she will do it again.

[Blanco]

That's one of those situations where even if she had given you an answer, it wouldn't be of any real help for you. Her actions have shown she's done with the relationship. And if she had said "maybe" in response to whether or not she sees a future with you, then all that'd do is keep you on the hook indefinitely.

[mrlee123]

No matter what happens ive learnt a few things.. mistakes that ive made..

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Keep reminding yourself she's gone and she's never coming back. It's painful I know but it's important to do so. Write it down whenever or wherever. It will keep you grounded and focused on what you know for sure right now. Your mind wants you to remain connected to her. It wants you to choose the easier route. It wants to seduce you into this fantasy of "If I stay silent, she'll learn her lesson and will come back." It may or may not be true but one thing is for sure..it's a maybe and maybe's are not good investments, especially with matters of the heart.

 

Because she may or may not contact you again, and even if she does, it may or may not be with intention to get back with you and furthermore, you don't even know when that contact will come. Could be tomorrow, next week, next month..next year. Maybe 5 years from now. You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow with her. You can't plan for it because all you have are assumptions and hopes and zero answers

 

To keep your life and this recovery process as simple and as straight lined as possible, you must kill your hope and focus on what you know for sure. Live in the now.

Edited September 28, 2019 by Beachead

[Maggiemay1]

shes been looking on my whatsapp statuses this week so ive not completely disappeared have i... now that i have through deleting her whatsapp she wont see anything.

 

Ive not said im not trying to move on... i am. But if she does come back then wel see what happens.. but like i said.. im not expecting it.

 

I don’t know anyone that changes their whatsapp status , because no one cares about it or even sees it. And if they did look , you can’t even tell that they did! Unless they comment on it! Which she clearly hasn’t because you have kept us updated on her contact with you.

 

What are you actively doing to try and move on?

What have you done differently in the past month that didn’t revolve around her (deleting her, not contacting her , talking on here about her etc ) ?

What are you doing differently for yourself? Because that’s the effort required to move on and so far you have not given any indication that you are at least trying?

[Maggiemay1]

 

I just expected her to give me an answer to my stance last monday.. as i asked her clearly if she ever saw herself trying with me ever again and she just didnt reply. Then i just said look of you want to try slow then you know how to contact me and i said i dont want to be just friends... she didnt reply so i guess thats her answer and way of dealing with it. So its gone forever now unless she unexpectedly contacts me sometime.

 

She did give you an answer , previously, last Monday yuu simply asked the same question again.

 

Her silence was not “her way of dealing with it” , she just simply got tired of repeating herself.

 

My best guess is that she has blocked you, because she realises silence is the only way for you to start dealing with things.

 

It seems to me that it’s no longer about you not contacting her , but that you can’t.

When we all along tried to give you the power you have now inadvertently given to her.

 

Her silence was not willpower , it was intent.

 

Sorry!! We might not know you and her personally , but we know the situation all too well. I was in her shoes not that long ago and I blocked him eventually because he just couldn’t get it.

[mrlee123]

Like i said before.. if you do a whatsapp status you can see whos looked on it because it tells you.. so if i did a photo of.myself on there i can see ehen shes viewed it. To try and move on ive been visiting friends more, going out, joined a new gym with a sauna and hot tub... yet still i want her to.message me again lol but i know now she wont... my friends tell me to get on tinder and get dating again.. and that i will find someone better... but with that they just wont be her so it will mess my head up. See how it goes..

[mrlee123]

No she didnt block me.. its only yesterday i deleted her... when you block someone your profile photo wont show and you wont be able to see if theyre online... she has been all week at times.. so i know she hasnt blocked me.

[elaine567]

Everything she has done is with intent.

She as the dumper holds "the power".

She made it crystal clear she was done, that she only saw you as a friend but you refused to see it that way. You have tried to spin it to try to control the situation, concocting excuses to protect your ego, but to no avail.

 

You are very slowly getting the message that you are not in control here. You cannot dictate the feelings of another. They have their own agenda

I guess she thought that as the split was fairly amicable, she could keep in touch, but as you saw that as "hope", she has had to give up on that idea.

The "ultimatum" you gave her has not had the desired effect you wanted.

You tried to give her a "choice", the relationship or "nothing".

As SHE dumped YOU, it was a no-brainer for her, and she chose "nothing" which was no real surprise as that is what she was telling you all along, you just refused to listen.

 

You do not want to block her as you are scared that will ruin your chances of reconciliation and you want to keep a channel open in case she changes her mind.

Truth is if she changes her mind, she will come and find you, blocked or not...

It is the last vestige of "control" you have, so you are holding on, though it is actually doing you no favours...

By keeping a channel open and by putting a condition on contact, you are in constant alert mode, hoping and praying that this is the day, she will want to reconcile...

You have made a rod for your own back.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

my friends tell me to get on tinder and get dating again.. and that i will find someone better... but with that they just wont be her so it will mess my head up.

 

Or maybe it won't!

[d0nnivain]

. To try and move on ive been visiting friends more, going out, joined a new gym with a sauna and hot tub... yet still i want her to.message me again lol but i know now she wont... my friends tell me to get on tinder and get dating again.. and that i will find someone better... but with that they just wont be her so it will mess my head up. See how it goes..

 

You are slowly accepting this is over. Go at your own pace.

 

Getting together with friends & keeping busy are good things.

 

You are in no state of mind to be on Tinder. Unless you are going to use it for it's original purpose: a ONS, don't bother. You're head isn't in the game yet. Do yourself a favor & stay away from dating for the rest of the year. You can see how you feel about on New Year's Eve. For now just lick your wounds & try to make sense of what happened.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Right now, you're fresh into a breakup. You carry hope. You're just beginning to accept things and work through it. I don't think those are the best emotional conditions to be dating, unless you're looking for a quick night. But then again, using sex to help you deal with the pain of losing someone else, is essentially the same as turning to drinks and weed to cope. All in all, you'll only distract yourself from this grief and prolong your dealings with it to a later date. Suppressing emotions won't make them go away. They'll find some other way into your personality and will affect your behaviour and your choices which will eventually be projected onto your dates in ways you won't realize. You might compare them to your ex. You might expect them to behave like your ex. You'll grieve your ex while you're with someone new. You won't really be all there etc. Dating most often can lead to something more and when it does, discovering all this then breaking an unsuspecting girl's heart won't make you feel any better.

 

For that, I say dating adds more variables and other people's feelings to your already difficult situation thereby complicating it even more. I advise simplicity. Hang with friends and family, do things that build you. Grieve this out and seek support when it gets hard.

Edited September 29, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

Thanks guys... i guess i just didnt understand when she didnt reply to me when i asked her if she never sees herself wanting to try slowly with me again... im out the picture now as she wont see any statuses from me anymore. I also feel so stupid for being negative with her at times and not being upbeat and fun at times which is why we got into a routine.. ive learnt this though. If anything else happens i will let you guys know... but i doubt anything will.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

That's totally normal; looking back at the relationship and reflecting on it. It's a sign your mind is beginning to work through things. What your relationship really was and who she really was is a unsolved puzzle at the moment to you. But piece by piece, you're going to build it and you'll eventually start to make out the big picture with the kind of clarity and perspective you hadn't discovered before. Only time and space can afford it, so lets hope she does return to you insincerely and interrupt the whole process.

Edited September 29, 2019 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks guys... i guess i just didnt understand when she didnt reply to me when i asked her if she never sees herself wanting to try slowly with me again...

 

Because she doesn't want to have an uncomfortable conversation.

 

That's an awkward question to ask, though I know many dumpees do. If she says yes but doesn't mean it, it gives you hope where there might be none. If she says no, she knows it will hurt you and she will feel guilty. There's no sense asking a question like that.

 

Let me put it this way: if she genuinely thought there might be a chance in the future, and wanted to work on things, she would have let you know. Her silence is your answer.

 

I realize it still hurts a lot and is hard to digest. You will need plenty of time to do so. I wouldn't advise getting on Tinder yet; you're not in the right head space for it and it will likely make you feel worse when you wind up comparing every date to your ex. Let yourself heal more before trying to date again.

[mrlee123]

I get that its an awkward question to answer.. but shes always been the type to be honest and say it how it is.. which is why i find it weird that she didnt respond..

 

Like i said through the week she saw statuses of me.. now she wont ever see any again as im disappearing. Shes stayed silent for a week now, so its highly unlikely shel reach out.

[Maddie82]

I get that its an awkward question to answer.. but shes always been the type to be honest and say it how it is.. which is why i find it weird that she didnt respond.

 

She didn't respond because that was her way of telling you that she is done. No word since. It's done.

[ExpatInItaly]

I get that its an awkward question to answer.. but shes always been the type to be honest and say it how it is.. which is why i find it weird that she didnt respond..

 

Like i said through the week she saw statuses of me.. now she wont ever see any again as im disappearing. Shes stayed silent for a week now, so its highly unlikely shel reach out.

 

You repeat this - or something very similar - at the end of almost every post you write. You write that she won't reach out again, you're sure you won't hear from her, she's unlikely to get in touch, and so on. All variations on the same thing. I realize that you're trying to steel yourself for enduring silence from her, while at the same time barely masking the hope that she will prove you wrong and contact you. But words are powerful. I am not sure that constantly repeating this is helpful to your healing at this point; it puts too much focus on the slim chance she might text you, which means you're not really looking at the bigger picture.

 

The bigger picture is that the relationship wasn't working for her. Whether it's because she lost interest, found someone new, got overwhelmed or whatever other reason - she found the option of being single more appealing than continuing to date you. A single message from her isn't going to change all of that. It isn't going to suddenly mean that things would fall back into place, and not fall apart yet again. And the truth is that she has already told you how it is. You're asking the question a different way (by asking if she ever sees any chance in the future) but she's already let you know that it's over. She doesn't want to repeat herself.

 

Try not to concentrate so much on not getting a message from her. You're assigning it too much importance, when in the grand scheme of things, it would mean little as far as relationship viability goes.

[mrlee123]

Fair point.... i will take your advice on board.

[mrlee123]

Not gonna lie i do want to break NC lol... and say i apologise for not understanding etc and that i miss her and email her a photo that appeared on my phone this morning of us in vegas this year....

 

But no way will i do that.... theres no point, i guess i just hate the feeling if her gone from my life..