when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[Blanco]

I think you should have responded just to see what she was getting at. Sort of a last chance deal, where if she was just making idle conversation, you could just say something, "I'm accepting your decision to end the relationship, now please respect my decision to no longer talk to you unless you are interested in revisiting the relationship."

 

Outright ignoring her is fine if you just have given up any hope of reconciliation (which I think is fine, by the way). But if that's the path, then you should just block her number, because it's going to trigger you to hear (and not hear) from her.

[Highndry]

Outright ignoring her is fine if you just have given up any hope of reconciliation (which I think is fine, by the way).

 

 

That's the thing - she knows he's ignoring her, so it's only going to serve to drive her away if anything. Nobody likes to be ignored, and contrary to all that BS that says if you ignore somebody they will come back, the opposite is actually true. That's why I said it's best to acknowledge her, but to reset that boundary by telling her to not contact him unless she is interested in rekindling the relationship.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's the thing - she knows he's ignoring her, so it's only going to serve to drive her away if anything. Nobody likes to be ignored, and contrary to all that BS that says if you ignore somebody they will come back, the opposite is actually true. That's why I said it's best to acknowledge her, but to reset that boundary by telling her to not contact him unless she is interested in rekindling the relationship.

 

I agree, she may be in need of OP to reset the boundary! I doubt he wants to do that, though, because he's still hoping she comes back.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it's a poor move. In your case, a "thanks for inquiring, but I told you I don't want to be friends. Unless you're contacting me because you want to resume our relationship, please do not contact me again" would get you exactly where you want to be. No more guessing why she's contacting you, etc.

 

I agree with the above.

 

I'm quite sure he won't do it, because he's not ready to even put the thought of ending contact for good in her mind (or his), but it would be the best course of action here.

[mrlee123]

she said the reason she hasnt said anything all week is because shes been really busy, then said reason she texted me on friday was that she was just being polite...

[ExpatInItaly]

You evidently don't have the strength right now to be direct and tell her to stop unless she is interested in reconciling, so unfortunately, you can expect more of the same breadcrumbs here and there.

 

Her random contacts are going to keep giving you false hope, and it will prolong your healing. You are going to feel even worse one day when those contacts stop coming, or you hear she's met another guy. You don't need the added and unnecessary distress that comes from keeping in touch at this time.

[mrlee123]

youre right.. i dont have the strength, I guess its because I keep thinking she will just go ok cool, all the best and thats it.. but im at that point now where im going to say it...

 

should i tell her this:

 

It takes a few seconds to send a text or call but never mind, ive told you already if you want to meet me or talk properly then you know what to do...

Edited September 22, 2019 by mrlee123

[ExpatInItaly]

should i tell her this:

 

It takes a few seconds to send a text or call but never mind, ive told you already if you want to meet me or talk properly then you know what to do...

 

No, there's really no point. She knows it doesn't take long to send a message or call. She doesn't contact you regularly because she simply doesn't have the desire to do so anymore.

 

If you are afraid of the response you'll get if you send something like Blanco suggested, ("I'm accepting your decision to end the relationship, now please respect my decision to no longer talk to you unless you are interested in revisiting the relationship."), then I would not reply at all.

 

Understand that whether or not you send her that is unlikely to change the outcome for you. It will simply expedite or prolong the inevitable fade-out from her.

[Maggiemay1]

 

should i tell her this:

 

It takes a few seconds to send a text or call but never mind, ive told you already if you want to meet me or talk properly then you know what to do...

 

OMG! Do NOT send that. It’s very weak.

 

She knows exactly how long it takes to send a text , a few seconds as you said, and in the past week she has spent a few seconds thinking of you in stark contrast to your time spent here thinking and talking about her.

 

Send the message high and dry suggested or send nothing.

[elaine567]

Her "politeness" is keeping you on the hook, so you need to either block her and go complete NC, or you decide to accept this friend status and realise that her texts are no indication she wants to resume the romance.

Men in general tend to think a woman being friendly means she "likes" him in a sexual/romantic way.

It is not true.

Women can be platonic friends with exes (and other men), all day and all night.

A man once placed squarely in the friend zone, has very little chance of being anything more.

You need to accept that she moved you out of the boyfriend zone and into the friend zone.

That is a huge deal and something you seem to not want to see or understand.

There was no animosity here during the split, so she is just being nice to you.

You can't spend your life in hope she is going to change her mind.

[Marc878]

she said the reason she hasnt said anything all week is because shes been really busy, then said reason she texted me on friday was that she was just being polite...

 

Breadcrumb. You just reset the NC clock

 

If you want a fairy tale ending buy a book or rent a movie.

[mrlee123]

Took the courage to say what you guys have been saying and she replied with

 

Fair enough, lets leave it then....

 

 

Damn that hurt..

[ExpatInItaly]

It hurts, no doubt.

 

But it would've hurt a lot more had she kept contacting you, you got your hopes up and convinced yourself for another few weeks or months that you might reconcile, and then learned she never had any intention of getting back together.

 

This needed to happen sooner rather than later, for your own peace of mind. It sucks, but I don't believe the outcome would've been any different had you not said anything. She sees you as a friend.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

It hurts but remind yourself, she put you in a position to have to do that by disregarding your wishes the first time. If she's a good person, from here on after, she'll respect your wishes and leave you alone, knowing you two want different things.

[mrlee123]

She first said we can meet up for a catch up sometime.. thats when i said what needed to be said and now shes just left it.

 

So yeah, guess ill never speak to her again.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She first said we can meet up for a catch up sometime.. thats when i said what needed to be said and now shes just left it.

 

So yeah, guess ill never speak to her again.

 

What did you say? And have you blocked her?

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

So yeah, guess ill never speak to her again.

 

That's her doing, not yours.

 

A friendship is it's own thing but once you start a relationship, it becomes a part of the relationship. It integrates and it becomes tied to sex and higher levels of emotional intimacy. It can no longer function alone because it's connected to all these other parts of a relationship that work in unison to define what you two are together. When she dropped the relationship, she therefore lost the friendship. That's just the way it is. Having said that, I won't say it's impossible to ever have one again, but I will say it's just not likely. Only after the two of you have parted ways for a long time and you have had sufficient time to build a life and find joy and laughter in it without her..can you accept her back into your life without any expectation, bias, insincerity. You'd have to let her go completely and not need her anymore to do this. By then, you just won't care all that much because you'll be content without her. Reintroducing her back into your life, will therefore require you to really go out of your way, and likely risk feeling things you don't want to feel again with her.

Edited September 22, 2019 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

She first said we can meet up for a catch up sometime.. thats when i said what needed to be said and now shes just left it.

 

So yeah, guess ill never speak to her again.

 

The truth is that most exes eventually drift apart from each other to the point of natural No Contact, OP. It seems unimaginable now, because it's still so fresh and you have yet to really process it, but as time passes you will learn to live without her. It will, one day, seem normal to not have her as a feature of your daily emotional landscape.

 

I have a couple significant exes in my past, guys I had years-long, live-in relationships with. We split up for various reasons and it was very alien at first to imagine not talking to them anymore. Slowly, after the logistics of moving out had been sorted, we stopped talking to each other. There was no big falling-out, no final dramatic goodbye - we just went about living our lives and kept each other less and less updated until finally it just fizzled out completely. There was just no reason to stay in each other's loops anymore. It's been years since I spoke to either one of them now, and I'm perfectly fine with that. All of us have moved on and dated or married others. I wish them well and would say hi and make polite conversation if I randomly happened to bump into them but that's about it. It's often the way it goes with break-ups. You will need time to reset yourself.

[mrlee123]

No I havent blocked her on whatsapp, and im not going to so stop telling me to block her.. she knows I dont want to be friends so she wont contact anymore as it will be too awkward. She doesnt even want to speak to me about anything now... so shes just going to leave it and move on... its just hurting me that she just quickly said ok lets leave it, after how good we have been in the past.

 

So I deleted her number and I cant check on whatsapp now to see if shes online or anything... ive blocked her on social media but thats it. I dont have her number anymore.

 

This is where we no longer speak, because shes shown now that she doesnt want to.. i hope in time she will regret this decision and I will have moved on.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm sorry you're hurting . Breakups suck, no doubt about it .

[preraph]

She won't regret it. If she thought she would, she'd have stayed. Actions speak louder than words. There isn't some brain thing where years later you wake up and go, "Oh, no, I broke up with my boyfriend and now I just realized it."

 

Five years from now, she will be thinking of it as "It was what I had to do at the time. I wasn't happy. It wasn't enough."

 

But good for you for finally telling her no to being friends. If you'll give up this fantasy that she'll change her mind in the future, you'll heal much faster and move on to better things.

[Beachead]

@mrlee

 

Blocking her on social media and deleting her number off of your phone is enough. I hope she has the respect to leave you alone. Some do after such a conversation but some don't. I know you'll wish to hear from her, but if you're able to think clearly, you'll realize you don't want to hear from her again if this is what she wants. Her being around you as a friend, would be like having a dead version of her around. An emotionless, passionless person who looks like your ex but is nothing like who you remember to be. It wouldn't be like anything it was. And then you'd want nothing more than to get away from it.

 

It's all a lot to process right now I know.

 

Healing is a slow and arduous process back to yourself and that's why you shouldn't let meaningless interaction with her into your life and mess with you. It'll set that process back and make it harder. Disrespects the struggle.

 

You didn't ask for this. She did. So it is what it is. There is no going back and if you stay stuck here, you'll rot inside. So your only choice is to face reality and make that road back to recovery as smooth as possible.

 

The good news, you'll find yourself again and you'll be a wiser person for it.

[mrlee123]

i know some of the mistakes i made during the relationship... like getting into a routine, sometimes being negative and stressing over pointless things which I have learnt from.

 

I get reminded of her everyday and when i watch football games of my team i think of her as she goes to them... its hard. Its just crazy of how good I was and how everything was great to her telling me how it was great etc.. to then not having her ever again. But i just got to accept it now, and hope to god I will get better and in time find someone else..

[preraph]

Just because you weren't the right longterm partner for her doesn't mean you won't be for someone else or that you're defective. It sounds like it was fun for a while and then it ran its course for her. At some point she knew this wasn't for her longterm.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

A lot of people out there do a flawless job of speaking nicely when all is well, and they feel great. That is, until things life get tough and unideal and the stress and time exposes the other feelings they've been keeping from you and they fall short of their promises. That is when you see just how strong the bond is. Words are cheap.

 

What matters is how they treat you when life gets tough. Do they communicate with you? Do they keep you in the loop in such a way where you know you're good with them. Have they proven through doing, that they are trustworthy, reliable and inspire your loyalty where you don't think twice about questioning them.

 

..or do they just flip out on you everytime, emotionally close off, walk away from a discussion that needs to be had, avoid dealing with real issues., are only good to you because you're the only one in that relationship who compromises 100% of the time because you feel uneasy, unsettled..as if if you don't do that, you'll lose them?

 

I know you think your relationship was perfect, but her leaving proves in her eyes, it wasn't. You just didn't know that. I think in the coming months, you're going to see your relationship in a different pair of eyes and you're going to see the little cracks and kinks that were around, that you brushed off as nothing but indicated larger upcoming problems.

 

For now, cry it out and let time and life show you.

Edited September 22, 2019 by Beachead